Reasons Mommy Drinks (7 page)

INGREDIENTS

5 ounces cranberry juice

1 ounce club soda

Cherry

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a tall glass with ice. Pour in the cranberry juice and club soda, and stir. Impregnate with a cherry.

NOTE

Break out your maternity jeggings and a basketball and enjoy this mocktail for old times’ sake.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy feels like shit. Mommy wants to turn off all the lights, crawl under the duvet, and die. Before you were born, Mommy could call in sick and
still get paid
. But now that she’s on maternity leave, when Mommy feels like she’s been run over by a truck she can’t even take a minute off, let alone a whole day. She’s desperate for even twenty minutes of sleep, but she can’t get it because you’re teething, or you’re constipated, or you’re just being an asshole. In between cold sweats, Mommy reaches for her surefire OTC cocktail, SudafedBenylinNyquilTylenol.
WARNING: Nursing mothers are screwed as meds will adversely affect milk supply
. NOOOOooooo. In that moment, Mommy has delusions of getting relief by snorting bath salts. At least she’ll get to rest when you take your morning nap. Oh, you’ve dropped your morning nap today? Awesome. This is Mommy’s fault for not getting the free flu shot given to pregnant women when she had the chance.

NOTE

Countries across Europe have been using it as medicine for years and they always know what they’re doing! (
cough
Greece
cough
)

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy used to love having sex with Daddy. When you eventually ask, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” she will be tempted to respond with the truth: a trip to Agent Provocateur, a remix of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing,” and a bottle of red wine. And in the early days of pregnancy, it was still game on, thanks to raging hormones and a growing rack. But CLICHÉ ALERT: Now that she’s a Mommy, her sex life has taken a nosedive into nonexistent. She looks at her Track My Sex Life app with dread when she realizes it’s been weeks since she put out and Daddy’s getting cagey. Even though it looks like Picasso’s
Femme en Pleurs
down there, he’s still really into doing it. Maybe it’s because her boobs are porn-star huge. But if he tries to touch them after you’ve been gnawing on them all day, she will totally go for it! If the definition of
go for it
is “lose it.” On top of which, Mommy hasn’t picked up her Venus Embrace razor in three weeks, and her last bikini wax was just before you were born.

INGREDIENTS

⅓ ounce Amaretto

⅓ ounce coffee liqueur

⅓ ounce Irish cream

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine all the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well and strain into a shot glass. Make another for your partner and enjoy simultaneously. Just like old times!

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Some women at Mommy Group complain that their babies are not sleeping through the night. “My Liam wakes up once in a twelve-hour period! We’re going to have to hire a night doula.” What. The. Fuck. Not only will you not sleep through the night, you’re up every two hours. Mommy has been forced to replace actual restorative shut-eye with caffeine and carbs. She was going to max out a college savings plan so you could go to Harvard, but at $10 a pop for a Venti and an artisanal cheese scone, it looks like you’ll be going to the First Choice Haircutters Academy. To add insult to injury, after desperately attempting to nurse you to sleep last night, you puked Linda Blair–style down her threadbare Bravado bra. Mommy was too exhausted to do anything about it, so she spent the night in someone else’s vomit. Memories of spring break in Cancún. Although being up all night then was by choice. (And awesome.)

INGREDIENTS

5 ounces hot coffee

1 ounce coffee liqueur