Reasons Mommy Drinks (8 page)

Authors: Lyranda Martin-Evans

BOOK: Reasons Mommy Drinks

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½ ounce tequila

INSTRUCTIONS

Pour the coffee in a mug, add the coffee liqueur and tequila, and stir. Enjoy your much-needed caffeine fix hot and steamy, just like that night on the beach with Ernesto. Or was it Todd? Not important. Vacation flings don’t count toward your “number.”

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

The time has come for Mommy’s mandatory “bring the baby to the office” trip. Mommy carefully scheduled the visit around your nursing schedule, as her lack of skill with the Hooter Hider would inevitably lead to a traumatic nipple-flashing-the-CFO incident. Mommy’s in-box has been overflowing with emails about how excited everyone is to meet you, although she knows they’re actually just dying to see how much of her baby weight she’s lost. None of her business casual wear fits, so Mommy had to truck it to Banana Republic yesterday to buy a half-price polyester dress she’ll never wear again and take her MAC Studio Fix out of hiding. Mommy will put on her best “really interested” face as she’s updated on the latest office politics and fiscal-year market share progress, while secretly dreaming about the
Downton Abbey
episode on her DVR. As you’re passed around from one colleague to the next, she’ll also try to block out what she recently read about keyboards being five times germier than toilet seats. Mommy really hopes you don’t cry, unless it’s when she’s caught in conversation with that guy from accounting who can’t read social cues.

INGREDIENTS

½ ounce pineapple rum

½ ounce light rum

6 ounces lemon-lime soda

INSTRUCTIONS

Chill a cocktail glass and fill it with ice. Add all the ingredients and stir. Enjoy while celebrating the fact that you can wear pajamas 24/7.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

When Mommy was pregnant, she was basically living in a Pantene commercial with her long, luscious locks. For some wonderful reason, nature offsets swollen ankles and stretch marks with thick, lustrous hair. It was a Rapunzel-fest. But now it’s
Meet the Klumps
in her shower drain. She’s finding hair everywhere—her clothes, the furniture—and her hairbrush looks like a hamster got caught in it. Today she found a strand wrapped around your pinky finger, cutting off your circulation. Apparently Mommy is losing up to five hundred strands a day. She feels like G.I. Jane’s flabby postpartum sister. Remember when Sinead O’Connor shaved off all her hair, then went postal on
Saturday Night Live
and tore up a picture of the pope? Lack of hair can make women go crazy. Maybe Mommy should go to the salon and get a fresh new do with all her massive amounts of free time. HA HA HA HA HA. Mommy’s choices now are to just hack it off or buy an array of scrunchies. Mommy’s laughing on the outside, but on the inside, those tears are shed as fast as each much-missed strand.

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces gin

Splash of lemon juice

Dash of Tabasco sauce

Slice of chile pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine all the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake well, strain into a glass, and garnish with a pepper slice. Enjoy with a nice hat.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

When one of Mommy’s parents does something that makes her blood boil, at least she can vent freely to Daddy, knowing that he’ll always take her side. When Daddy’s parents are around, it’s a different story. Mommy feels compelled to play the part of perfect mother, doting wife, and competent household manager, not to mention hostess extraordinaire. This would be challenging in the best of times, but it’s virtually impossible when Mommy is hormonal and sleep deprived, particularly when Grandma can’t help but insert her opinion every five seconds. Though Mommy appreciates that the stove is finally being used, she longs to be passive-aggressive with Daddy, watch back-to-back episodes of
Homeland
, and not have to dress you in a fuzzy bear bodysuit because Grandma is convinced you’re on the verge of hypothermia
in July
. Meanwhile, ever since Grandpa accidentally walked in on Mommy breast-feeding, he will no longer make eye contact. With anyone. Sometimes Mommy thinks it’d be easier if Daddy’s parents lived on a remote island off the coast of Mozambique, but when you roll over for the first time, Mommy can’t wait to Skype them with the news. If only they understood The Internet.