Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1) (9 page)

Suddenly, the urge to go to Jason and get some answers was overwhelming. She wanted to slap his face. Scream at him. Ask him
why
. Hold him and pinch herself so that she knew this was not a cruel dream. Fate, if there was such a thing, had brought her here. Or was it divine intervention? Was this all part of God’s mysterious plan?

Whatever it was, she couldn’t eradicate the deep-seated feeling that this was
meant
to happen. It was time. Time to face the demons that had haunted her since she was eighteen years old and suffering a broken heart at the hands of the man she loved and trusted more than anything in the world. The only thing she had to ensure was that, no matter what he said, she would be guarded. She wouldn’t let him in.

Not this time.

Not again.

Grabbing her fleece, she checked her appearance. Her eyes were red and her face a little puffy from crying. She scooped her hair up into a scruffy bun on the top of her head, realising she looked a little bedraggled. But she decided it didn’t matter, seeing as she wasn’t out to seduce the man. She just wanted answers, nothing more. Despite his physical appeal, he had changed and she didn’t know him anymore.

Before she could give both sides of her psyche the chance to argue the point and make her change her mind, she walked out of her door, grabbing the little torch that hung on the hook by the window as she passed. She closed the door softly behind her and walked as quietly as possible along the pathway to look for the break in the trees that Jason had mentioned.

Gravel and twigs crunched under her feet as she made her way through the eerie quiet of the night. A few moments later, the gap leading to the walkway stood before her. The cabin was homey looking. Appearances suggested that he actually
lived
here on site. There were solar lanterns hanging all around and some skirted the property on spikes in the ground. There was an orange glow coming from the window. She stood silently contemplating whether she was about to make a stupid, catastrophic mistake. Going down this road could be the answer to all her questions, but it could also shatter the fragile pieces of her heart that remained.

As she stood looking at his home, she saw him. He walked over to the window as if he sensed her presence. She ducked behind a tree so that she could still observe him without being seen. He was bare-chested just like he’d said he would be. His hair was loose once again, and as he looked out, his shoulders slumped and his head dropped.

He’d been looking for her.

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart ached. She waited for him to walk away from the window, and deciding she couldn’t go through with it after all, she closed her eyes for a few moments, willing her heart rate to calm, and then she turned to walk away.

“Don’t go.” His voice cracked as he spoke and she jumped.

It appeared that he had softened a little since she’d arrived. She wondered what had changed. Perhaps his arrogance was dissipating. He had seemed angry to see her when she had arrived at the camp. Accusatory even. Today, he’d been hell bent on embarrassing her with his dirty talk, but now it seemed he’d changed again. She couldn’t keep up with his moods. Mercurial didn’t even cover it.

She wasn’t ready for a confrontation and this could easily turn into one. She had
no clue
what to expect.

Turning around she came face to face in the dim light with the man she had once loved. “I can’t do this, Jason. Not now…maybe not
ever
. I shouldn’t have come.” She turned away once again.

He made a grab for her. “Please…please. An hour of your time. I know I don’t deserve it, but just hear me out? Please?”

She closed her eyes once again as the tears came. The familiarity of his voice made her chest ache. She turned to gaze up at him again. “Ten minutes…that’s all I can give you. And after tonight it’s over…for good.”

Chewing on his lip, he nodded reluctantly, released her arm, and turned to walk toward his cabin. She followed.

Once inside he closed the door. “Can I offer you a drink? I have wine…or beer…or I can make—”

“Wine would be good. I think I need something strong.”

He smiled. “I have a nice single malt?”

“Wine, Jason, thanks.” His name falling from her lips seemed strange. It wasn’t a word she had uttered often in the last ten years, although she had thought of him daily at first. The thoughts became less frequent, but the dreams were relentless.

She was often haunted by dreams—or nightmares—where he slipped away from her as she tried desperately to grab for him. Or where he told her he didn’t love or want her anymore, breaking her heart into a million tiny fragments. Sometimes she had dreams where he made love to her. Those were the most torturous dreams for a young woman to experience. At the age of age eighteen, he was the
only
man she had ever considered giving her virginity to, but it never happened. He left before she could give him that most precious gift.

Clearly an unwanted gift at that.

She watched as he poured two glasses of Pinot Noir from an expensive looking bottle and handed one to her. “Please…sit.” He gestured to a leather sofa, and she did as he had asked.

Smiling, she glanced around what she could see of his home. “It’s very cosy…your cabin.”

He returned the smile warmly. “Yes, small but perfectly formed as they say.”

They remained in silence for a few minutes. He came to sit beside her in all his shirtless glory and took her hand. She flinched and he let go.

“I want to start by saying how sorry I am—”

She scrunched her face. “You’re
sorry
? Oh well, that’s it then. It’s all fixed. I’ll be going now.” She cringed at the bitter sound of sarcasm falling from her own tongue, but she still put her glass on the side table and stood to leave, affronted by his audacity.

He stood too, slamming his glass down angrily, slopping some of the contents over his hand. “No!” He walked to block the doorway. “I won’t let you leave…not yet…not until you’ve heard me out.”

She closed her eyes and clenched her fists in front of her body. “Jason…I
can’t
do this. How many times do I need to say that to you? All I want to do right now is to get on a train and go back to London and forget I ever came here.”

“I know and I understand that. Believe me, I do. This isn’t exactly easy for me either. But I think you were meant to come here. I thought… Well, at first I thought you’d come here because you’d
found
me, but I know now that can’t be true. Your name wasn’t on the booking form. I’m guessing you’re here to replace someone?”

“Yes, the original teacher, Mollie, broke her ankle. I was drafted in at the end of last week. I didn’t even
want
to come.”

“I thought as much.” He chuckled. “You were never one for the great outdoors. Well, unless it included a picnic down by the river in our favourite spot. Remember when we used to do that?”

She closed her eyes and nodded, determined to stop the flood of memories trying to invade her mind. “Of course I do.”

His voice softened. “I used to love spending time with you. I really
did
love you. I hope you believe that.”

She snapped her eyes open. “No, no you didn’t. If you’d loved me enough, you would’ve stayed. You would’ve kept your promise to me. We said we would
never
leave each other. Do
you
remember
that
?”

He pulled his lips into a line and inhaled deeply through his nose before speaking again. “Please…please sit down.”

Reluctantly, she sat once again on the leather sofa. Silence engulfed them for minutes that dragged on like hours. He looked like he was calculating his next words, but it was eventually Stevie who broke the silence. “How long have you been here, in Scotland I mean?” She picked up her glass and took a large gulp of wine before placing it back down with shaking hands.

He frowned. “Oh…ahhh…around three years now.”

“Three years? Gosh, what made you decide to do this? You know, run a place like this?”

He ran a hand over his face. “Lots of reasons. I wanted to do something outdoors. And I wanted to help underprivileged kids.”

“That’s very noble of you,” she replied sardonically and immediately regretted it.

He shook his head slowly. “No…not noble. I didn’t do it to be noble. I did it because I realised how shitty some kids have it, and I saw…” He took a deep breath and his words trailed off.

Her interest piqued. “What did you see?”

He let out a long breath. “I saw things that I wish I could
un
-see. But the images are etched on my brain forever.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds as if pained by some memory that had popped into his head.

She gasped. “What? When?”

“It’s a long story, and I’ve only got you here for ten minutes, remember?” He smiled.

“Wasn’t that the whole point? Getting me here so you could explain everything?”

“Yes…no…I don’t really know. I just…I just wanted to be near you again.”

She smiled a cold smile and shook her head. “It didn’t bother you so much ten years ago.”

He clenched his jaw. “No, you’re wrong. It did. I should’ve…” His words trailed off again.

“Look, Jason.” She stood again. “If you can’t even finish a sentence, I may as well just go. This is a waste of time. And I need some sleep.”

He crossed the room and grabbed her arms. “I should’ve made love to you. I should have given you that much.”

She stared at him wide eyed. “What? So you could take my virginity and
then
desert me?” Her acerbic tone left a bitter taste in her mouth.

He let go of her and stepped back, as if she’d slapped him. A line appeared between brows. “No, no it’s not like that. It was
never
like that… I mean, because it was what I wanted more than
anything
, to show you what you really meant to me.”

She clenched her teeth and fought back angry tears as she fronted up to the man who had caused her so much pain. “Hmmm, let me refresh your memory of just what I
really
meant to you. I gave you my time and my friendship for years, Jason. I loved you with my
whole
heart
.  My mum—who was not the wealthiest of parents I hasten to add—spent God knows how much money on a
beautiful
dress so that you could take me to the Leavers’ Ball, but instead of having the best night of my life I was abandoned, Jason. Abandoned by the
one man
in my life who I
thought
I could trust.” Her voice became louder as her anger grew.

“I gave you my heart and would’ve given you my body too…
willingly
. I thought you were worthy of my trust but I was
so wrong
about that, silly me. Because just like my arsehole of a father, you
left
.” She prodded his hard chest with her finger as her voice broke. “So, thank you for showing me just how much I
meant
to you. And I want you to know that I’m
glad
we didn’t add sex into the toxic mix that you dished up to me, you selfish bastard. You didn’t deserve my fucking virginity! Now, I think I’ll go if you don’t mind.” She tried to pass him.

He grabbed her by the arms again. His voice was calm but his teeth were clenched. “Okay…okay…all very fair points. I deserved to hear that.
I get it. I
really
do
,
but you
don’t
understand. I
had
to leave.”

“Really? Well, now it’s
my
turn to leave. I’ve learned from the expert. Let go of my fucking arms. I don’t want to spend another minute in your presence.” Her lip quivered and the threatening tears that she had been fighting betrayed her by spilling down her cheeks, leaving scorching trails in their wake.

Before she could protest further, he pulled her into his chest and cradled her in his arms. He held her tight as she let out the pain and anguish of ten long years without him.

“
Why
, Jason?
Why
did you leave me? What did I do wrong? I loved you so much.” She pulled away and pounded her fists into his chest. “You
didn’t
love
me
! You
can’t
have loved me enough!” He let her hit him until she began to crumple. He caught her and lowered himself to the floor with her in his arms until he was leaning against the sofa with her on his lap. She continued to sob, pouring all her pent up anguish and heartache onto his bare flesh.