Reawakened Secrets (7 page)

“Like you said, love turns even the smartest people into idiots.”

“I never said that. I don’t love him anymore. After the way he abandoned me, how could I?”

“Lie to yourself if you want, but don’t waste my time with it. If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t give a damn how he feels. What the hell is wrong with you? At the hospital, you’re the most disciplined and thorough surgeon I’ve ever seen. You’re as unflappable as a fucking bulldozer. In your personal life, you’re . . .”

“What? I’m what? Go ahead and spit it out. You might actually have an aneurism trying to hold it in.” He studied me for several seconds before raking his hand through his hair. Then he leaned back in his chair. I bounced back and forth in mine, waiting. “Well?”

“You don’t need me to beat you up. Looks like you’re doing enough of that yourself. Is he really worth it?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know he left you and didn’t look back for ten years. If Alice hadn’t woken up, he probably wouldn’t even be here now.”

Damn, the undeniable truth of his words didn’t just hurt, they killed. “Look, this is not just about Jackson. He and Alice were good to me. The other kids whispered about me behind my back or laughed in my face every chance they got. Whenever Jackson and Alice were around, I was blissfully invisible and all the craziness went away. Jackson and Alice never treated me differently because I didn’t have money. They never let anyone else do it, either.”

“Kids are cruel—big deal.”

“Oh, come on Adam. My childhood was not some after-school special. It was so much worse than you can imagine. I guess it’s easy to dismiss it if you don’t have to live through it. I think I did a good job covering how much it hurt with a bad attitude and a big mouth. I hid from it with my school work and my best friends. I knew that, in the end, it would be worth it because it would get me where I wanted to be, which is here.”

“Dozer, I know bullying is bad, but it’s a fact of life. I was teased in school. I was laughed at and called a nerd. Nobody’s laughing now,” he said with a self-satisfied grin. “That’s just a normal, shitty part of growing up.”

“You’re right. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Besides, it wasn’t just the kids.”

“Not just the kids? What does that mean?” Adam leaned forward in his chair, confusion clear on his face.

All sorts of bad memories competed for the top spot in my head, but I knew exactly which one hurt the most. “My worst day of school was in high school—the end of my senior year, actually. The principal called me to his office. I thought it was to announce me as valedictorian. I knew I was at the top of the class. Even though I was graduating early, Jackson was the only one even close to my GPA. But, the PTA was pushing for the honor to go to someone else; a well-rounded student who was also active in extracurricular activities. Volunteering at the hospital and the shelter didn’t count because it wasn’t a contribution to the school like cheerleading or track.” I took a few sips of coffee to wash down the bile crawling up my throat.

“I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was still shocked. It was the first time I felt I would never be good enough no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t even put up a fight. I expected that kind of thing from the other students, but not the adults, or at least not the teachers. Grades were supposed to be cut and dried. I had worked hard and been so proud to be able to graduate with Jackson and Alice.” I sighed, disappointed by how much the memory still affected me.

“I tried to hide it from them, but they just wouldn’t let it go. I think it was the first time they had ever seen me cry. I went to school early the next day. I was too embarrassed to face them. Jackson and Alice showed up with both of their fathers and went straight to the principal’s office. I still don’t know what they threatened him with, but it worked. Since they were the two richest families in the school, it wasn’t much of a surprise that Principal Barnaby crumbled like a fortune cookie. By lunch time, I was officially the valedictorian and had three glowing letters of recommendation for Yale in my hand. I really appreciated what they did, but there was no joy in it anymore.”

I looked up and saw everything I expected in his eyes, the shock; the pity. “Dozer, I don’t care if they’re both Jesus reincarnated to anoint you as their faithful disciple. You’ve worked hard to be where you are, but you’re about to blow it.”

“I’m not-”

“Listen to me,” he interrupted sharply. “Settle this mess and do it fast.”

“Wow! That sounds so easy. Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

I scrubbed my hands across my face and tried to battle back the frustration and hopelessness. “You just don’t get it. Jackson and Alice: it’s not so easy to hurt them. I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how I will ever be able to do it. So you tell me, Adam, what now?” His lips pressed together in a tight line. He was trying so hard to be good. His face was turning red, and I swear to God he looked like he was going to pass out from a lack of oxygen any second. “Just say it.”

Raking his hand through his hair, Adam took a deep breath before letting loose. “Dozer, if I were being honest, I would say fuck him. And I mean that literally. Fuck him right out of your system until you can see what an asshole he is. Then punch him in the nuts and hit him right between his eyes with the revelations you just shared with me. That’s what he deserves.”

My mouth dropped open and a strangled “Adam,” passed through my stunned lips before he continued.

“But since I promised to be sensitive to your girlie feelings blah, blah bullshit, I guess I’ll just say—tell him the truth. Don’t fuck around and wait. Do it now, today, yesterday if you could.”

And that little nugget of goodness was Adam in a nutshell. How he still shocked and endeared himself to me with shit like that was a mystery, but, somehow it worked for me. I think it was because he was real, and that was something I only had with Jackson and Alice until Adam.

“Tell him the truth—check. Anything else, Master Yoda?”

“Yeah, you know how much I believe in you. You’re my mini me. I wouldn’t share all the magnificence that is me with you otherwise. But, this is your one and only chance. Leave your personal shit at home. As soon as you step one foot in this hospital, your patients’ lives better be the only thing on your mind. Otherwise, you’ll be off my surgical rotation. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Now let’s go cut someone open.”

My surgery was finally over. It felt good to have one success for the day. High on a sense of accomplishment, I ambled to the nurses’ station to get the chart for my next patient. Taking up an entire corner of the counter was a massive bouquet of sterling roses. Without a doubt I knew the first strike had been launched. I’d always admired those exact roses in the Haven Hill Estate garden. Jackson, Alice, and I had spent countless hours playing hide-and-seek there. The flowers, their aroma, and the authentic crystal vase were all spectacular.

This was a direct hit. I felt myself sinking toward a surrender I craved, but could never have. I shouldn’t have expected anything less. Years of friendship gave him an unfair advantage. It would be too freaking easy for him to break my weak ass down.

I’m not sure how long I stood in front of the nurses’ station before the on-duty nurse placed a card in my hands. Feeling a little uneasy, I smiled and thanked her for the delivery. I opened the envelope and sighed in consternation at the simple yet expressive message inside. It was as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.

It was a quote from Gandhi:

“That’s one good-looking guy you’ve got chasing after you, honey,” the nurse said, breaking my trance. “He waited here for hours while you were in surgery.”

Oh no, Jackson had made this delivery in person. I looked around at the other nurses and registered their envious glances. They would probably be mooning over him for days.
Try a lifetime.
A sudden thought caused my heart to jerk and drop to the pit of my stomach as I scanned the hallways again. Perhaps he’s still here.

Feeling completely defeated, I went to the locker room to take my break. As I darted to my refuge, I had no choice but to accept how spineless I was being. I was out of sight for now, but I knew I couldn’t hide forever.

Jackson must have charmed every nurse on staff, or maybe it was his personal shopper slash assistant. On and on, his tokens of reconciliation continued. Flowers, always sterling roses, arrived in impressive bouquets by the dozens or one at a time. I hated how much I loved them. Meaningful trinkets, chosen to inspire heart-warming childhood memories, also found their way to the nurses’ station, my locker, and even the deep pockets of my lab coat. Every gift was accompanied by a quote expressing some pointed emotion geared toward forgiveness, friendship, or love.

My unbearable pursuit by Jackson Montgomery became the most entertaining sideshow of the week. Nurses, interns, doctors, and surgeons alike seemed to wait with almost as much anticipation as I did to see what would come next. They all mistook his absent, unorthodox courtship for romance. Because I had nowhere to put all the flowers, I passed them on to all of Jackson’s admirers or my patients. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but the small quote included with each offering was endearing. I couldn’t bear to dispose of them, and my locker portfolio was filling up. My very favorite of the lot was,

I knew it was just a matter of time before he showed up in person, but I was still unprepared when it finally happened. Over a week had gone by with the ceaseless onslaught of gifts. Nonetheless, I went to work and to see Alice every day without getting even a glimpse of Jackson. I was surprised to learn Alice hadn’t heard from him either. Then, just like that, he was there.

Jackson sat in the cafeteria, completely engrossed in his smart phone. A small smile graced his lips just as I walked through the door. I screeched to a halt, like my heart that stopped beating before trying to leap out of my chest. Adam, who was right behind me, almost knocked me over. He gave me a pointed look and whispered, “Big girl panties” in my ear.