Rebel Kiss: A Historical Romance Novel (Scottish Rebels Book 1) (12 page)

“Anna.  I didna
leave ye.  Well, I suppose that I did, but I didna ken what else tae do!  One
moment ye were kissing me and then next ye were telling me that we canna have a
future together.” Rowan reached up and raked his hand through his unruly
chestnut hair.

“I was so
confused, Rowan.  I’ve never kissed someone before…and I had all of these
feelings, and you made me feel…” she broke off, exasperated and hurt by his
actions.

“I didna ask for
this, Anna!  I didna ask for whatever it is between us.  Hell, ye act like this
is my fault.”

“It is completely
your fault!” Anna snapped, exasperated.  Never in her life had a man caused her
to lose all rational thought.  Here she was, betrothed to marry another man and
with one kiss, Rowan Murray had caused her to lose her convictions.

Rowan shook his
head from side-to-side, clenching his teeth together.  He was thankful that
Anna was seated in front of him and that he would not have to look into her
lovely hazel eyes as he spoke the truth that resided in his heart.

“Anna,” he
started, gripping the reins a bit too firmly in his left hand.  “I need tae ken
the truth.  I need tae ken why ye willna have me.  I can see it in your eyes
that ye feel the same way that I do.  And Christ!  When ye kissed me I ken that
ye felt it.  Why are ye turning away from me, Anna?”

Anna bit her
bottom lip and stared straight ahead.  Tears stung at her eyes but she refused
to let them fall.

“I ken that I have
nothing tae offer ye,” Rowan continued, this time more controlled.  “But I
would make ye happy,” he whispered.  “I may be but a simple farmer’s son, but
if there is one thing that I do know, it is how tae love.  I would love ye,
Anna.”

“I know that you
would,” Anna whispered, her heart breaking.  She took in a fragile breath and
closed her eyes.  “All of the things that you said are true, Rowan.  I feel
whatever it is between us, deeper and truer than I’ve ever felt anything in my
life.  And when you kissed me, I’ve never…I’ve never felt anything like that,”
she whispered, her mouth turning up into the faintest hint of a smile.  And I
know that you would make me happy, probably unbearably so,” Anna said softly. 
“But Rowan,” she whispered, her voice wavering.  “I am betrothed to marry another
man.”

Anna’s words hung
between them, sickening in their implication.

Rowan felt as
though the wind had been knocked out of him.  His breath hitched in his throat
and for a moment he felt as though he might be sick.

 “Yer promised to
another?” Rowan asked numbly.  “Ye are betrothed tae be marrit?” he whispered
as the sickening truth sunk in.

“Yes,” Anna
whispered hollowly.  She stared straight ahead and made an extra effort to
straighten her spine so that she was not leaning back against Rowan.

“Saints, Anna,”
Rowan said.  “Why did ye no tell me?”

Chapter Nine

Close to
nightfall, they made camp at the edge of a small stream, having found a grove
of trees nearby to tether the horses.  Rowan built a crackling fire and Malcolm
passed out the remainder of the bread that he had purchased from the inn. 
Quinn had stalked off into the forest, giving the excuse that he was going to
try his luck at fishing the stream.  Anna knew that he wanted to be alone with
his memories, now understanding why Quinn often chose to be by himself,
retreating from the group.

Anna finished her
supper and warmed her hands by the fire, thankful for its protection against
the chill in the night air.  Rowan had not spoken to her since they had made
camp, but she could feel his eyes burn across her skin from time to time as he
looked up from his bread, studying her when he thought that she wasn’t
watching. 

Anna knew that
Rowan was working hard to deny the attraction that he felt towards her in the
same way that she was fighting the response that he evoked every time he looked
at her. 

Rowan knew the
truth now.

And it hung
between them, heavy and real.

A log cracked in
the fire, popping loudly as it sent a cascade of sparks heavenward.  Anna
glanced over at Rowan.  He sat wrestling with his thoughts, twisting a piece of
rye grass between his fingers.  Anna’s pulse quickened as she thought of how
Rowan had openly admitted his feelings to her this afternoon. 

I would make
you happy.  I would love you, Anna.

The knot in Anna’s
stomach clenched tightly.  She tore her eyes away from Rowan.

She was
betrothed to another.

Anna looked over
at Malcolm to see that he had curled himself into a fetal ball.  He was fast
asleep with his back resting against a fallen log.  Anna stood, and took the
blanket that was covering her lap over to Malcolm.  Kneeling down, she spread
the blanket carefully over him and tucked it in around his sleeping form.  She
bent her head to his and placed a soft kiss on Malcolm’s forehead before
standing up and quietly backing away.

Rowan realized
that the corners of his mouth had involuntarily turned up into a slight smile
as he watched Anna care for his little brother.  He quickly wiped the
expression from his face so that Anna wouldn’t see it.  Anna sat down a few
feet away from him, resuming the act of warming her hands over the fire.

“Here,” Rowan
said, startling Anna as he tossed her his blanket.  “Ye’ll get cold.”

“Thank you,” she
said, still looking into the fire.  “Should we look for Quinn?  It’s so dark. 
He might be lost.”

“No, he’ll be
fine.”  Rowan said sternly, urging Anna not to worry for his brother.  He
reclined onto his back next to the fire, eyes still open, looking up at the
stars through the boughs of the trees.

With a look of
determination on her face, Anna silently stood up and took the blanket over to
Rowan.  She lay down next to him and spread the blanket over them both as she
curled up next to him, resting her hand on his chest and her head on his arm. 
Anna didn’t care if Rowan was speaking to her or not, and in that moment, she
didn’t care that she was betrothed to Jonathan Arbor.  All that she needed
right now was to touch Rowan, to feel the comfort that being close to his body
provided, damn the consequences.

 The bleakness of
her impending marriage was setting in.  What if she was not attracted to
Jonathan in the way that she was to Rowan?  What if she never again was to feel
as the lightning that coursed through her veins with just a touch of Rowan’s
fingers to her skin?  Knowing that she must carry through with her marriage to
Jonathon, Anna wanted to feel the responses that Rowan evoked so easily just
one more time. 

She was playing
with fire, and she knew it.

 Rowan exhaled
slowly, fighting for his composure as Anna settled down next to him.  He stared
up at the night sky, refusing to look at her.  “Anna, ye must stop this.  I’m
not as strong as ye think that I am.  Please doona do this tae me,” he gritted
through clenched teeth.

Anna felt Rowan’s
muscles tense under her touch as he fought to steady himself against her close
proximity.  She fitted herself against his body, moving her head onto his chest
and closing her eyes as his warmth flooded her body.  His skin radiated heat,
and his masculine smell calmed her as she rested her cheek on his chest.  Anna
ignored Rowan’s protests and focused on his breathing.  The feeling of his
chest rising and falling slowly beneath her cheek calmed her as did the cadence
of his steadily beating heart.

 Anna felt the
resistance leave Rowan.  He mumbled a Gaelic curse under his breath. His muscles
relaxed and he relented.  Rowan fitted his arms around Anna to pull her up
against his chest.  They lay quietly for awhile, eyes open, lost in thought. 

Anna enjoyed the
safety that Rowan’s arms brought her.  She reveled in the warmth and the
arousing smell that was distinctly Rowan as she snuggled against him.  She was
relieved that Rowan had not pushed her away. Anna knew that she should distance
herself from Rowan.  Lord above, she had tried.  She knew that she should guard
her heart, but she could not force herself to stay away from him.

“You ken that we
canna continue down this path, Anna,” Rowan whispered against her silky hair as
he closed his eyes, still fighting to have the strength to push Anna away. 
Fighting to do what he knew was right even though holding Anna felt so good.

“I know,” Anna
admitted, but still did not move away from Rowan.  “It’s just that when I’m
near you, I feel something that I’ve never felt before.  I know that it is
wrong for me to touch you…to kiss you, to provoke you, but I just….”

“Yer no provoking
me, Anna,” Rowan said sternly, refusing to allow her to compare herself to a
common trollop.  “I’ve tried tae deny ye in every way that I ken, but I canna
fight it either.  I feel it too, lass.  I ken that I shouldna hold ye close,
that I should never have allowed myself tae be sae weak as tae kiss ye.  I ken
that yer betrothed tae another man and I hate him for that,” Rowan confessed,
still holding Anna against himself as the words spilled forth.

“I’m so scared,
Rowan,” Anna whispered, her voice trembling.  “I don’t want to marry him,” she
admitted in the darkness, voicing her fears aloud for the first time.

“Then perhaps you
shouldna,” Rowan said quietly as he stroked Anna’s back.  A seed of hope began
to unfurl within him and he felt his heart begin to beat faster.

“You don’t
understand,” Anna protest.  “I have to marry Jonathan.”

“And why is that?”

“I signed a
betrothal agreement back in London,” Anna sighed.

“All of this worry
because of a silly document?” Rowan chuckled.  “Have ye no thought, Anna, that
ye could use the shipwreck tae yer advantage?  This Jonathan may very well
believe that ye went down with the ship, as most passengers likely did.  This
could be your chance at the life that you want.”

Anna turned the
thought over in her mind.  For a scant second the thought was exciting, an
escape that might allow her to avoid marriage to Jonathan Arbor.  And then it
hit her.  The knot clenched tighter in her stomach.

“How could I have
been so stupid?” Anna whispered against Rowan’s chest.  She closed her eyes. 
“I wrote Murdock a letter back at the inn,” she whispered.  “I told him that I
had survived the shipwreck of the
Mary Catherine
and that I was
traveling north.  I missed my opportunity,” she said quietly.

Rowan said nothing
and stroked Anna’s back.  A few moments passed in silence.

“Ye could breach
yer promise,” Rowan said.

“Break the
betrothal contract?” Anna asked.

“Aye.  I doona ken
the laws of the New World, but I suppose that it is similar tae back home.  If
ye breach yer promise of betrothal there is most likely a fine tae pay, but
little else.”

“But I’ve no money
to pay a fine,” Anna said sadly.  She thought of her mother and Stanton Place.  “And Jonathan has paid my mother a bride price already.  She could not
afford to return his money.”

“All is not lost,
Anna,” Rowan whispered as he kissed the top of her head.  “We shall think of
something,” he said as he squeezed her shoulder reassuringly.  “But ye have a
choice tae make,” he began, staring up at the blanket of twinkling stars that
dotted the night sky.

“What choice,
Rowan?”

“Ye need tae
choose the life that ye wish tae live here in the New World.  The choice is
yours, sweetheart.  If ye choose me, if ye choose tae build yer life here with
me, the simple son of a farmer, it will most likely be a hard life.  But I
promise ye that it will be a life filled with love and joy,” Rowan said.  He
kissed Anna’s forehead and closed his eyes, inhaling her sweet scent and
forcing the beating of his heart to slow before he continued.  “Or ye can
choose tae carry through with yer betrothal tae Arbor.  He can give ye a life
that I will never be able tae give ye.”

Rowan’s words
struck Anna to the core.  She considered his words carefully, suddenly realizing
that she did in fact have a choice.  Her mind screamed for her to tread
cautiously.  Thoughts of her mother and Stanton Place came crashing forward. 
But the thudding of her heart reminded her of Rowan.  Her heart begged her to
choose Rowan.

“I do not think
that he will love me,” Anna said softly.  From what Murdock had told her of
Jonathan Arbor, he seemed to be a stern man, not the sort of man that would
love his wife.  Arbor had bought Anna like livestock, paid for her hand in
marriage without so much as a letter passing between them.  Arbor was a
military man in need of a wife to compliment his social position.  Anna feared
that she would become little more than another possession to her husband. 
“Could I truly resign myself to that sort of a life, Rowan?”

“If ye choose him,
ye will need tae forget about me, Anna.  Ye need tae give him the chance tae
love ye, for I canna see how he couldna.  With time, it will happen.  He will
give ye all of the things that ye deserve.  He can give ye security.  He will
be able tae give ye all of the things that I canna,” Rowan said against Anna’s
hair as he looked regretfully into the dark night sky.

“And what if I
don’t want those things, Rowan?” Anna said softly.  Her heart beat a reckless
rhythm in her chest.  Anna’s fingers trailed down Rowan’s forearm, relishing
the goose bumps that spread over his skin at her lightest touch.  She loved
that Rowan was so affected by her.  His body responded to her touch just as
easily as her own traitorous body responded to his gentle touch.

Rowan knew that
fighting his overwhelming attraction to Anna was futile.  He was simply not
strong enough to push her away.  He felt that he owed it to Anna to make sure
that she understood all that she was giving up if she chose a life with him.

“I’ve a
proposition for ye,” Rowan said boldly, exhaling slowly in an effort to cast
aside the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.  “Doona make yer choice
just yet, Anna.  Give me tonight,” he pleaded.  “Tonight, I’ll be yours tae do
with as ye wish, tae hold, tae kiss…” he trailed off and swallowed audibly
before mustering the strength to continue, “And then tomorrow ye can make yer
choice.  And if ye choose him, we must force ourselves apart.  We must begin
the process of letting go.”

“Is that not a bit
reckless?” Anna whispered solemnly, savoring the idea of holding Rowan and
giving into the desires that she had been repressing, even if it would only be
for one night.  One night might have to last her a lifetime.

“Aye,” Rowan
whispered, trailing a finger languidly up her arm in invitation.  “I think that
reckless is what we need.”

Anna chewed on her
bottom lip as she contemplated Rowan’s proposal.  Could she really let Rowan go
after kissing him again?  Rowan was silent, his heartbeat the only sound
echoing through Anna’s ears.  She needed time to think.  Indulging her feelings
for Rowan was a perilous leap.

“Quinn told me
about Mairi,” Anna whispered against Rowan’s chest, breaking the silence and
changing the subject.

“He did, did he?”
Rowan said, stroking her back gently.  “So now ye understand why he acts as he
does?”

“It breaks my
heart to think of how he must feel,” Anna confessed, feeling fresh tears well
up in her eyes as she thought of Quinn’s suffering.  “He told me about how you
fought to save her,” Anna whispered, a tear streaming down her cheek and onto
Rowan’s shirt.  “You were very brave.”

“I loved her too,”
Rowan said softly, brushing Anna’s hair back from her face.

Anna held Rowan in
silence, gathering strength from him in the darkness. 

Her heart raced in
her chest and she tried to rein it in. 

You love him. 
Let him in.  If only for tonight.

Give yourself
this one night.

Feel his love
and give him yours.

Rowan stroked
Anna’s hair in the firelight and held her tight against his chest, wishing to
protect her as he had been unable to do for Mairi.  Anna toyed with the fabric
of Rowan’s shirt.  The gentle touch of her fingers on the fabric over his skin
was soothing to him and he felt his tense muscles relax.

“So this is a new start
for you and your brothers,” Anna whispered, reaching up to dry the last tears
from her eyes.

“Ye could say
that,” Rowan said, threading Anna’s hair through his fingers and watching how
the lighter flecks seemed to sparkle in the firelight.

“Do you hate me
because I’m English?” she asked, voice concerned. “Because of what they did to
you?”

“I could never
hate you, Anna,” Rowan whispered, leaning down to kiss Anna’s forehead.   “In
fact, it’s quite the opposite, and I’m not sure what tae do about it,” he
confessed, eyes staring up into the night sky.