Refuge (41 page)

“Here.” I smelled the gunna paste before it
touched my lips, and I raised a hand to push it away.

“Trust me; you’ll be glad for it
tomorrow.”

It took only the suggestion of the whopping
hangover I was going to have in the morning to make me open my
mouth and take the horrid paste. I shuddered as I swallowed it. I
thought I heard a soft chuckle, but I was too wrapped up in my
misery to care.

“Okay, let’s get you off this floor.” Before
I could say anything, he picked me up like I weighed nothing and
carried me into the other room where he set me down on a soft
leather couch. I huddled with my head on the armrest, and I felt
the couch dip when he sat at the other end. For several minutes,
neither of us spoke and I tried to come up with something to say to
him.

“Were you coming to see me?”

I nodded mutely without looking at him.

“And you had to get drunk first?” Was that
amusement in his tone? I wanted to make a retort, but I couldn’t
after the way he had taken care of me.

“The trainees had a party,” I rasped. My
throat was raw from throwing up.

“Were you coming to invite me?” There was no
mistaking the humor this time.

“No, I – ” Now that I was here in front of
him, I had no idea how to say what needed to be said. More than
that, I didn’t want to say it. I couldn’t bear the thought of never
seeing him again.

“Take your time.”

I couldn’t take my time because then I’d
never get it out and he deserved better than that.
Be strong and just spit it out. It’s
the least you can do for him.
“I wanted to let you know that
. . . that you’re free. I’m going to break the bond.”

“What?”

I looked up at the shock and anger I heard in
his voice. His mouth was set in a straight line, and for several
seconds raw hurt glittered in his eyes before he looked away. I bit
my lip in confusion. Why was he upset? I was giving him what he
wanted.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m handling this all
wrong.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said stiffly. “I don’t
think there is an easy way to do something like this.”

My throat tightened so painfully I thought I
was going to suffocate. Why hadn’t Tristan warned me how much it
hurt to break the bond? How your lungs constricted until you could
barely breathe, or about the ice that filled your veins until you
knew you’d never be warm again. If Nikolas felt half the pain I did
right now, it was no wonder he could not look at me.

“This is why you were upset in training
today.”

“No, that was something else.” I couldn’t
talk about Nate now, not unless I wanted to totally lose it. There
was only so much pain I could handle at one time.

He was quiet for a long moment, and when he
spoke, his voice sounded cool, distant. “What made you wait until
now to tell me? We see each other every day.”

I decided to tell him the truth even if it
killed me to say it. “I-I overheard you talking to Tristan tonight.
You said you wanted to break the bond.”

His head whipped toward me and his eyes
narrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“You told Tristan you were miserable and that
you didn’t want this to happen.” I swallowed painfully. “I didn’t
mean to listen, and I only heard bits of it. And then Celine said .
. . ”

His voice grew hard again. “What did Celine
say?”

“She said it wasn’t fair to hold you to a
bond you didn’t want, and that you were too honorable to break it.”
A fresh wave of misery swept through me and hot tears spilled down
my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him
anymore. “I’m s-sorry. I never meant to h-hurt you.”

“Damn it.” Nikolas slid across the couch and
pulled me to him, and I went willingly into the comfort of his
arms. “Celine had no right to say that to you. And you
misunderstood what you heard me say to Tristan. I told him I never
wanted you to find out the way you did, and that I would rather you
break the bond than see you unhappy because of it.”

“You don’t want to break the bond?” I asked,
more confused than ever.

“No.”

My breath caught. What was he saying? “You
don’t?”

I felt his body tense slightly. “Do you?”

How did I answer that question? Did I want to
explore whatever this was between us? Yes. Was I ready for a
forever thing? No. How did I say yes to one and not the other?

“You don’t have to answer right now,” he said
tenderly. He was protecting me again, putting my feelings before
his own, and his selflessness brought on a fresh bout of tears. His
arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry you had to learn about it all
this way. The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt.”

Minutes passed before I could compose myself
to speak again. “Why didn’t you tell me about the bond back in New
Hastings?”

“If I’d told you the truth back then, you
never would have come here, and I needed you to be safe.” His voice
was thick with emotion, making him sound vulnerable for the first
time since I met him.

“Tristan told me the bond makes you
overprotective. Maybe you would feel different if we broke it. You
wouldn’t have to worry about me all the time.” I didn’t want to
suggest it, but I didn’t want to be his weakness either.

He pulled me closer until my head was tucked
under his chin and his warmth chased away the chill that had
invaded my body. I closed my eyes and let his familiar scent fill
my nose. “I’ll always care about you. Don’t you know that by
now?”

I nodded against his chest.

“What are you thinking?” he pressed gently.
“Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I
whispered hoarsely. “I mean, we’ve been fighting since we met, and
I know you weren’t exactly happy to meet me in the first place. My
life is a mess and I’ll never be a warrior like . . . Celine.” The
other woman’s name left a sour taste in my mouth, but I had to put
it out there. I would never be glamorous or sultry or whatever it
was that men liked about Celine. I didn’t want to be any of those
things. I might be confused about a lot of things in my life but I
was also happy with who I was. What if Nikolas wanted something I
wasn’t and he didn’t realize it until it was too late?

“Sara, I don’t want you to be like
Celine.”

“But how do you know what you want? How do
you know if what you feel comes from you or from a Mori thing you
have no control over?” I wanted to ask him what the bond felt like
to him, to help me understand my own emotions, but I couldn’t put
the question into words.

I felt him sigh. “My Mori and I share our
minds and emotions, but I always know the difference.”

“I’m so confused. I don’t understand any of
this. It’s like I have no control over my life anymore. I’m
scared.” How did I explain that it wasn’t being with him that
frightened me? That the bond would change us and I was afraid of
losing me, who I was?

His hand began to stroke my hair. “I felt the
same way at first.”

“You were scared?” I couldn’t keep the
disbelief from my voice.

He chuckled softly. “It scared the hell out
of me when I saw you in that club and felt something between us.
I’d never experienced anything like it, and I wasn’t prepared to
feel that way for anyone, let alone an orphan I found in a bar. I
wanted to stay with you and get far away from you at the same time.
I tried to leave, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you in the hands
of that vampire . . . ”

A small shudder passed through him, and I
laid a hand against his chest. After a minute, I felt him relax
again.

“You said you were confused and scared at
first. You aren’t anymore?” I held my breath while I waited for his
answer. I desperately wanted to know what he was feeling, where he
saw this thing between us going.

“No, I’m not. Yes, it started with my Mori in
that bar, but it wasn’t long before I realized there was more to
you than you let people see. You drove me nuts when you were so
stubborn and reckless, and you have an uncanny ability to find
trouble. At the same time, I couldn’t help but admire your
independent spirit and how fiercely protective you were of your
friends. You were an untrained orphan with no apparent abilities,
standing your own against a Mohiri warrior while defending two
werewolves and a troll. You were something to behold. I didn’t want
to feel anything more than responsibility for you, but you made it
impossible not to.”

His admission left me reeling. Nikolas had
never opened himself up to me this way, and his words rang with
sincerity. He was telling me that it was me and not my Mori he had
been drawn to, and he didn’t sound like a man who was being pulled
into something against his will. My world shifted to fit this new
reality where Nikolas and I were more than friends. We were past
that place now, and there would be no going back. I didn’t want to
go back.

“I felt something too when we met. It was
like I knew you somehow even though we’d never met. My life was
turned upside-down that night in more ways than one. Then you came
to see me and I resented you for telling me what I was and for
changing everything. I did some pretty stupid things and I hated
that you were right about them. I hated that you wouldn’t go away
and let me be the way I used to be. I thought you were arrogant and
bossy and determined to drive me insane.”

He leaned down to say in a husky voice, “If
this is a declaration of love, I’m not getting a warm fuzzy feeling
about it.”

“I’m not finished,” I blurted, totally
flustered. He just
had
to use the L-word. I was so not ready to go
there yet. “Even when I was angry at you, I knew everything you did
was to protect me and I always felt safe with you. It was strange.
I didn’t trust people easily, but I trusted you almost immediately.
But I don’t think it was until that day at the cliff, before you
showed up, that I realized I felt something more. I was alone and
expecting to die, and all I could think about was the people I’d
never see again. I thought about you.” I took a deep breath. “And .
. . I did miss you when you left me here, and it hurt because I
thought you were glad to be free of me.”

“I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I
should have waited a few days for you to settle in and told you I
was leaving for a while.”

“What do we do now . . . about this, us?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I mean . . . ” I took a minute
to think about what I wanted to say. “When Tristan told me about
the bond, I was upset that you kept it from me, and I admit I kind
of freaked. Don’t take this the wrong way after what we just
shared, but we’ve only known each other for a few months. I like
you a lot, but how are we supposed to know if we want to spend
forever together. Forever is a long time.” I groaned inwardly.
God, how lame am
I?

“You like me a lot?” he asked in a teasing
voice.

My faced burned, and I was glad it was hidden
in his shirt. “Sometimes.”

He stroked my hair again. “Forever
is
a long
time, but we don’t have to think about that right now. Let’s just
take it slow and see what happens. Just promise you’ll talk to me
if you have questions or doubts instead of listening to other
people.”

“I promise,” I said hoarsely.

“Good. Now, do you want to tell me what was
bothering you in training today if it wasn’t this?”

“Nate can’t come for Thanksgiving.” I told
him about my call from Nate yesterday, and his hand moved down to
rub my back comfortingly.

“I’m sorry. I know how much you were looking
forward to his visit.”

“It won’t be the same without him.” I sniffed
back another round of tears. “God, I can’t stop crying
tonight.”

“Then it’s a good thing my shirts don’t
shrink when they get wet,” he said, making me smile.

I hiccupped and Nikolas laughed softly. He
shifted slightly, and his lips brushed the top of my head. My heart
swelled and I wrapped my arms around him. For the first time in a
long time, I felt no anxiety or fear. I had no idea what was going
to happen tomorrow or next week, but right now I felt warm and
happy. My Mori sighed softly, and I realized I had never sensed it
being this quiet and content.

“Do you feel better?” Nikolas asked, his hand
rubbing my back in soothing circles that were making me sleepy.

“Yes, but I’m never touching tequila
again.”

His chest rumbled with laughter. “If I’d
known you were going on a drinking binge, I would have told you
that Faeries have very little tolerance for human alcohol, unlike
the rest of us. Looks like you inherited that trait from your Fae
family.”

“Great, now you tell me. Some trainer you
are.”

“Actually a good trainer lets you make
mistakes at first so you learn never to repeat them.”

I made a face even though he couldn’t see it.
“Then you are the best trainer ever.”

Nikolas chuckled. “How did you ever get by
without me?”

“I have no idea.”

I AWOKE SLOWLY inside a deliciously warm
cocoon that I never wanted to leave. Blissfully happy, I sighed and
snuggled against the source of the warmth.

“Good morning.”

It took several seconds for the voice to
register in my brain. My eyes shot open and the first thing I saw
was sunlight pouring through a window. The second thing was the
wide chest beneath my cheek. I blinked a few times, trying to clear
my muddled head, and I soon wished I hadn’t when I realized where I
was and, more importantly, whom I was sprawled across.

“Morning,” I mumbled, too embarrassed to
move.

A hand moved against my back. “How do you
feel?” Nikolas asked in a husky morning voice that made my stomach
quiver.

Last night came rushing back, and I
remembered every humiliating detail of my time on his bathroom
floor, followed by our conversation and him holding me on the
couch. What I did not remember was falling asleep or how I had
ended up in my current position.