Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (51 page)

When we work with Entitled patients, we are always looking for the
leverage.
Why should they change? How is the lifetrap hurting them in their personal and work lives?

Consider carefully what the lifetrap is costing you.

As we were writing this chapter, we kept commenting upon a certain sense of futility. We recognize that few people with the Entitlement lifetrap will ever read this chapter. People with this lifetrap rarely want to change. They usually do not read self-help books. They resist going to therapy. Instead, they blame others for their problems and fight to stay the same.

If you are an exception—a person with an Entitlement lifetrap who is reading this chapter—it is probably because your lifetrap is proving so costly to you that you cannot ignore the issue anymore. Your spouse has asked for a divorce, your lover is about to abandon you, or you are about to lose your job. Something has happened to throw you into crisis.

We realize that many of the patterns associated with Entitlement that we discussed earlier in this chapter do not really matter to you. You probably do not care, for example, that your Entitlement is unfair to other people. You do not care that you are bringing other people pain. You are self-centered. You care only about yourself. This is a great drawback in terms of building motivation.

We have divided this change section into two parts. The first part is directed toward those of you who have the lifetrap and want to change.

However, we believe that the majority of people reading this chapter are victims of entitled people. That is, you are not entitled yourself. You are reading this to try to
understand
an entitled person—your lover, spouse, or parent.

We have included a section for you too.

These are the steps to changing your lifetrap.

HELPING YOURSELF OVERCOME ENTITLEMENT PROBLEMS

1. List the advantages and disadvantages of not accepting limits. This is crucial to motivate yourself to change.
   
2. Confront the excuses you use to avoid accepting limits.
   
3. List the various ways that your Limits problem manifests itself in everyday life. Fill out the Limits Chart.
   
4. Make flashcards to help you fight your Entitlement and self-discipline problems in each situation.
   
5. Ask for feedback as you try to change.
   
6. Try to empathize with the people around you.
   
7. If your lifetrap is a form of Counterattack, try to understand the core lifetraps underlying it. Follow the relevant change techniques.
   
8. If you have self-discipline problems, make a hierarchy of tasks, graded in terms of boredom or frustration level. Gradually work your way up the hierarchy.
   
9. If you have difficulty controlling your emotions, develop a „time out” technique.
   
10. If you have Dependent Entitlement, make a hierarchy of tasks, graded in terms of difficulty. Gradually start doing the things you allow other people to do for you. Start proving to yourself that you are competent.
    

1. List the Advantages and Disadvantages of Not Accepting Limits. This Is Crucial to Motivate Yourself to Change
. In terms of the disadvantages, be sure to list: the harm you are causing others; the possibility that friends and family will withdraw from you; the possibility of being fired or
not being promoted; the possibility of legal action against you; etc. If you have impulsivity problems, be sure to consider the likelihood that you will never reach your life goals if you fail to tolerate frustration better.
Be sure to include any negative consequences you have already experienced.

Here is the list Mel composed:

ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF MY ENTITLEMENT

ADVANTAGES

1. I get things my own way and I like that.
   
2. I take what I want—money, women, my comforts.
   
3. By getting angry, I can usually get people to do what I want.
   
4. I can control most people and I like that.
   
5. I feel special.
   
6. I am special and shouldn’t have to follow the rules.
   

DISADVANTAGES

1. Katie is threatening to leave me.
   
2. People get angry at me a lot or avoid me.
   
3. People are afraid of me at work; they don’t like me.
   
4. I don’t have many close friends. A lot of people get mad at me after a while and stop associating with me.
   

1. List the Advantages and Disadvantages of Not Accepting Limits. This Is Crucial to Motivate Yourself to Change.
In terms of the disadvantages, be sure to list: the harm you are causing others; the possibility that friends and family will withdraw from you; the possibility of being fired or not being promoted; the possibility of legal action against you; etc. If you have impulsivity problems, be sure to consider the likelihood that you will never reach your life goals if you fail to tolerate frustration better.
Be sure to include any negative consequences you have already experienced.

1. List the Advantages and Disadvantages of Not Accepting Limits. This Is Crucial to Motivate Yourself to Change.
In terms of the disadvantages, be sure to list: the harm you are causing others; the possibility that friends and family will withdraw from you; the possibility of being fired or not being promoted; the possibility of legal action against you; etc. If you have impulsivity problems, be sure to consider the likelihood that you will never reach your life goals if you fail to tolerate frustration better.
Be sure to include any negative consequences you have already experienced.

You might note that, predictably, Mel did not include any items in the „Disadvantages“ list about the pain he causes others or the injustice of his Entitlement. This would be the fruit of future work in therapy.

Get images of these bad events occurring, to make the consequences feel more real. Imagine your loved one abandoning you, your job lost. For example, one of Nina’s items on her „Disadvantages“ list was, „Raymond might leave me and I won’t know how to take care of myself.“

THERAPIST: Close your eyes and get an image of what that would be like. NINA: (Pause.) I see myself on the phone, calling my mother, calling my friends, trying to get them to do things for me. It’s humiliating. I feel like I’m begging. It makes me angry, angry at Raymond. But no matter how angry I am, I can’t get him back.

Try to comprehend the cost of your Entitlement
before
the negative consequences occur. Between the impulse and the action, insert
thought.

2. Confront the Excuses You Use to Avoid Accepting Limits.
Make a list of your excuses. For each excuse, write down why it is only a rationalization, and not really valid. Start to counter the thoughts that maintain your Entitlement.

Here are some excuses Mel collected in the course of our therapy:

EXCUSES FOR ENTITLEMENT

People should accept me for who I am.

I’m not hurting anyone.

Everyone’s making a big deal out of nothing.

I’m special and deserve it.

I’ll never get caught.

I look after myself, and other people can take care of themselves. It’s healthy to get all my anger out.

If I’m clever enough at manipulating, I’ll be able to get my own way.

Nina’s excuses focused more on her lack of self-discipline:

EXCUSES FOR IMPULSIVITY

If it’s boring, why do it?

I can always catch up later.

I’ll work on it tomorrow.

I can get by with my natural talent.

Someone could do this for me better.

Raymond will never really leave me.

Life is more fun when I do what I want.

I can’t help it, it’s just the way I am.

Your excuses help you deny the reality of the situation. If you continue the way you are, you are going to pay some penalty for your Entitlement and Impulsivity. The fact that you are reading this shows that
something
has gone wrong already. Do not let your excuses cloud the negative consequences of your lifetrap.

3. List the Various Ways That Your Limits Problem Manifests Itself in Everyday Life. Fill Out the Limits Chart.
We want you to develop a
very specific
list of the ways your lifetrap is manifested in your life. Ask friends and family members to help. They will be
more
than happy for an opportunity to point them out to you.

Consider various areas of life: At home—with your spouse—with your children—at work—in the car—at restaurants or hotels—with friends. For each area, fill out a Limits chart. This will give you an opportunity to compare your expectations to the norm.

The basic principle behind the norm is reciprocity, or reciprocal interchange. This is best expressed in the Golden Rule: „Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.“

Here is a sample Limits chart, filled out by Mel for the situation, „Selecting a movie with Katie.“

We expect this step to take a long time. This is because we want you to fill out the chart for every area in your life where your Entitlement is an issue. The areas can be subtle; they may not be immediately apparent. For example, when Mel went to a restaurant, the room had to be the right temperature, the table had to be in the right spot, etc. His Entitlement had seeped into every aspect of his life.

If you are in therapy, your therapist can help you make this assessment. As we have stated, family and friends can help. It is important to ask others, because you will be unaware yourself of the many ways you act entitled.

4. Make Flashcards to Help You Fight Your Entitlement and Impulsivity Problems in Each Situation.
Now we want you to struggle against your lifetrap. Whenever you come across a situation you have listed on your Limits chart, behave according to the norm rather than in an entitled, impulsive, or undisciplined way.

Flashcards can help. Make a flashcard for each situation. Use it before the situation to prepare yourself, and during the situation (if possible) to remind yourself.

As you write the flashcard, remember the following points:

WRITING AN ENTITLEMENT FLASHCARD

1. Tune into the needs of the people around you. Try to understand how they are feeling. Empathize.
   
2. Aim toward reciprocity, fairness, and equity as principles to guide your actions with others.
   
3. Ask yourself if your immediate need is important enough to risk the negative consequences (e.g., alienating friends, losing your job).
   
4. Learn to tolerate frustration as a means to achieving your long-range goals. As the saying goes, “No pain, no gain.”
   

Here is an example of a flashcard Mel wrote, for the situation „Feeling attracted to another woman.“

AN ENTITLEMENT FLASHCARD

I know that right now I am attracted to this woman, and I’m starting to plan how to go to bed with her. But doing this will make Katie very angry and very hurt. I don’t want Katie sleeping around, so I shouldn’t either. Having sex with this woman is not as important as my marriage to Katie. If I keep sleeping around, I’ll lose her for sure. I love Katie and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

Mel had come to the verge of losing Katie. The possibility was very real and using the flashcard helped keep it real. Mel’s love for Katie was the leverage that moved him to change.

Keep a checklist for each situation of how often you behave according to the norm versus how often you behave according to the lifetrap. The checklist can serve as an objective record of your progress.

5. Ask for Feedback as You Try to Change
. It is important for you to get the people you trust involved in your efforts to change. Ask friends, colleagues, and loved ones how you are doing. Have they observed any change? What areas do they still feel need improvement?

Entitlement is so much a part of your existence that it is hard for you to see it. Other people can see it more easily. Getting feedback will help sharpen your vision of yourself.

It will also help you gradually understand normal expectations for behavior. What do people typically do for other people? What does it mean to be fair, to have equality in relationships? What are the conventions that people normally follow? Keep exploring these issues. Make explicit to yourself what most people understand already—the implicit rules of society.

6. Try to Empathize with the People Around You.
Your lack of empathy is important in reinforcing your Entitlement lifetrap.

KATIE: It’s like Mel has no understanding of how it hurts me. He thinks he can have affairs and it’s no big deal. No matter how much I cry, it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

THERAPIST: Your pain does not stop him.

MEL: I just don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. Why do you make such a big deal about it?

Mel had a real ignorance of other people’s feelings. This is true of most people with Spoiled Entitlement. Being self-centered is such a lifelong pattern that they are largely unaware of how they are affecting others. A whole aspect of human relatedness is missing for them.

Other people’s reactions are important cues in social situations. They help us decide how to act. Mel interacted without these cues. He was operating in a vacuum. He could not recognize when he was stepping beyond reasonable bounds. He just assumed that if it felt good to him, it was all right.