Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (53 page)

Second, we assume that
there are several basic „needs“ or desires that will lead most of us to be happier if they are satisfied:
the need to relate and feel connected to other people; the need for independence, for autonomy; the need to feel desirable, competent, successful, attractive, worthwhile—to be „good“ people among our peers; the need to express what we want and feel to others, to assert ourselves; the need for pleasure, fun, creativity—to pursue interests, hobbies, and activities that gratify us; and the need to help others, to show concern and love. We will discuss these needs in more detail later in this chapter.

A third core assumption in the lifetraps approach is that
people
can
change in very basic ways.
Some people are skeptical about this process. They believe that our basic personality is determined by the end of childhood, or even earlier by our genetic makeup, and that major personality change in adulthood is impossible or unlikely. We firmly reject this idea. We see people change every day in very fundamental ways. However, we acknowledge that changing core patterns is extremely difficult. Our inherited temperament, along with our early family and peer experiences, create very powerful forces that act against change. However, while our childhood histories create strong obstacles to change, they do not make change impossible. The more destructive these early forces, the harder we will have to work to change lifetraps, and the more support we will need from others.

A fourth assumption is that we all have strong tendencies to resist core change. This belief has important implications. It implies that
it is highly unlikely that we will change basic lifetraps without making a conscious decision to do so.
Most of us operate on automatic pilot, repeating habits of thinking, feeling, relating, and doing what we have practiced over our lifetime. These patterns are comfortable and familiar, and we are very unlikely to change them unless we make a concerted, deliberate, and sustained effort to do so; if we wait for fundamental change to happen on its own, it almost certainly will not. We are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past and legacy of our parents and grandparents unless we make intentional and prolonged efforts to alter them.

A fifth assumption is that most of us have strong inclinations to avoid pain. This is good and bad. The good news is that most of us gravitate toward experiences that bring us pleasure and gratification. The bad news is that
we avoid facing situations and feelings that cause us pain
,
even when confronting them might lead to growth.
This desire to avoid pain is one of the most difficult roadblocks to change. In order to modify core lifetraps, we must be willing to face painful memories that stir up emotions like sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. We must be willing to face situations we have avoided much of our lives because we fear they will result in failure, rejection, or humiliation. Unless we face these painful memories and threatening situations, we are doomed to repeat patterns that hurt us. Most of us shy away from painful feelings; many patients leave therapy rather than face these emotions. People become addicted to alcohol and drugs to avoid these feelings. We must commit ourselves to facing pain in order to change.

Sixth,
we do not believe that any one technique or approach to change will be successful for all people.
We believe that the most effective change approaches will be those that integrate and pull together a variety of different strategies. In the lifetrap approach, we draw on cognitive, behavioral, experiential, inner-child, psychoanalytic, and interpersonal techniques to help you change. Because we are combining several powerful change agents, we believe that more people will be helped with this therapy than by other therapies that only utilize one or two of these interventions. We strongly urge you to seek out approaches and therapists that combine several models, instead of just one or two. Although we do not expect to help everybody with our lifetrap approach, we hope to be more successful than single-technique treatments.

Our final assumption about change involves the need to create a personal vision. Change is not just the absence of lifetraps. We must each discover who we want to be and what we want from life. We feel that it is vital to have this direction before going too far along the change process. We want you to look beyond the elimination of your individual lifetraps to an image of what will lead you finally to feel fulfilled, happy, and self-actualized.

Many of us go through life with only a fuzzy sense of where we are going. This explains why many of us reach middle-age or retirement feeling disappointed and disillusioned. We have never had a broad set of overriding goals to guide us. It would be like playing football without knowing where the goal posts are, or getting on a plane without knowing its destination. It is crucial for each of us to have such a blueprint.
The eleven lifetraps are obstacles to reaching our goals; they do not tell us what each of us uniquely needs to be happy.
Once you develop a set of life goals, you can begin to plan specific steps to get there. We urge you to approach change in a strategic way, not haphazardly.

To create a personal vision, you must discover your
natural inclinations,
which include those interests, relationships, and activities that inherently lead us to feel fulfilled. We believe that each person has an innate set of personal preferences. Perhaps the most vital task we can undertake in our lives is to discover what these inborn desires are. Our best clues to recognizing natural inclinations are our emotions and our bodily sensations. When we engage in activities or relationships that fulfill our natural inclinations, we feel good. Our body is content and we experience pleasure or joy.

Unfortunately, many of us are trained as children to disregard our natural inclinations and to do what is expected of us: We are forced to be tough when by nature we are sensitive; we are forced to pursue medicine, when our natural preference is for outdoor activities; we are forced to be conventional when by nature we are unconventional; we are forced to act in routine ways when by nature we prefer stimulation.

We could go on and on with examples of how parents and teachers, with the best intentions, encourage us to disregard our basic natures. Naturally, we cannot selfishly pursue only what we want to be happy. We must find a balance between the needs of society and our own personal fulfillment. We are not advocating a narcissistic philosophy of living. However, many of us have been overtrained, oversocialized. We have been pushed too far in the direction of doing what others expect.

Many of us must reverse this process in order to change. We must discover who we are. We must find out what makes us happy, without relying solely on what makes the people around us happy. Although we cannot, of course, develop this vision for you, we can guide you through the questions you have to ask yourself. We have already discussed the core needs that can lead us to happiness. (This was the second assumption in our philosophy.) Now we will go through them in greater detail with you.

The first area of change involves
relationships.
What is your vision of the relationships that you want in your life? Clarify the ways you want to connect to other people. Consider intimate relationships. What kind of intimate relationship do you want? What is most important to you—passion and romance, a companion, a family? What are your goals in finding a partner? How important is emotional closeness to you compared to sexual excitement?

Relationships are almost always a trade-off. Making intelligent tradeoffs is a problem for many of us, because we are out of touch with our natural inclinations. Very few of us ever find a partner who provides us with everything we need, so we have to make choices. What is most important to you in choosing a partner? What are the less important qualities that would be nice, but which you would do without if you had to? For example, you might find yourself with someone you love and feel close to, but feel less passion for. We do not believe in a concept of the ideal relationship that
should
be right for everyone; you must decide what feels best to you.

What kind of social relationships do you want? What kind of friends? How involved do you want to be in a social „scene“? How committed do you want to be to groups in the community? Do you want to participate in a church or synagogue? Do you want to be involved in the running of schools or in local government? Do you want to participate in support groups? How much do you want to socialize with people at work? These are decisions you will have to make, using your natural inclinations as guides.

The Emotional Deprivation, Mistrust and Abuse, Abandonment, and Social Exclusion lifetraps are the biggest blocks to developing the kind of relationships you want in your life. Conquering these lifetraps will allow you to connect to people on a deeper and more satisfying level. Your relationship vision will guide you in fighting these lifetraps.

The second core area of change is
autonomy.
What is the optimal level of independence for you? Naturally, you want to operate in the world with a sense of independence and competence, with a strong sense of self. But what relative balance of autonomy and connection will make you happiest? For some people, spending most of their time in solitary pursuits is very fulfilling. Other people are happier spending a greater portion of their time socializing and relating than being alone.

Autonomy gives you the freedom to seek out healthy relationships, and to avoid or leave unhealthy ones. You are free to stay in a relationship because you
want
to stay, not because you
need
to. Many people with Dependence or Vulnerability lifetraps feel trapped in destructive relationships. They are afraid to leave and face the world on their own. These two lifetraps are the greatest blocks to developing a healthy level of autonomy.

Autonomy is a vital component in the pursuit of your natural inclinations. It involves developing a sense of identity. You are free to be who you uniquely are. Whether you prefer to be a musician, an artist, a writer, an athlete, a mechanic, a performer, a homemaker, a traveler, a nature lover, a caretaker, or a leader, you will feel free to pursue it. You are not too afraid to venture out into the world. You will not lose yourself in relationships, living your partner’s life instead of your own.

The third component of change is
self-esteem.
Like autonomy, selfesteem provides a
context of freedom.
Instead of being blocked, you are free. The Defectiveness and Failure lifetraps are blocks to attaining selfesteem. Feelings of inferiority and shame weigh you down, causing you to avoid or mishandle opportunities. Your shame is like a heavy black cloud that surrounds you and leaves you unable to move—unable to connect, to express yourself, to get your needs met, to excel.

You want to choose a life that enhances your self-esteem. How can you strive to feel good about yourself, to accept yourself without being overly self-punitive or insecure? What are your strengths and how can you develop them? What are the weaknesses that you can correct?

The fourth area of change is
self-assertion and self-expression.
This involves asking to have your own needs met and expressing your feelings. Asserting yourself enables you to follow your natural inclinations and get pleasure out of life. In what ways can you express who you are?

Subjugation and Unrelenting Standards are blocks to self-assertion. With Subjugation, you give up your own inherent needs and pleasures in order to help others or avoid retaliation. With Unrelenting Standards, you give up your needs and pleasures in order to gain approval and recognition, and to avoid shame. Achievement and perfection become your goals in life, at the expense of happiness and gratification.

Passion, creativity, playfulness, and fun can help make life worth living. It is important to be able to let go sometimes, to include excitement and pleasure in your life. If you neglect self-assertion and self-expression, life feels heavy and you can begin to feel desperate. Your needs and those of the people around you are out of balance.
Change involves allowing yourself to fulfill your own basic needs and inclinations
,
without unnecessarily hurting those around you.

The fifth area of growth, no less important than the other four, is
concern for others.
One of the most gratifying aspects of life is learning to give to other people and to empathize with them. Entitlement may keep you from showing concern for the people around you. It feels good to make a
contribution.
Social involvement, charity, having children and giving to children, helping your friends—these involve a connection to something greater than yourself and your individual life. How can you contribute to the world at large?

Spirituality and religious belief can be important components of feeling part of the world at large. Most religious and spiritual approaches share an emphasis on expanding beyond the narrow concerns of self and family, to the universe as a whole. Many forms of religious experience provide this added dimension and fulfillment.

Consider the areas we have mapped out as you develop your vision of life. The goals of life are probably universal: love, self-expression, pleasure, freedom, spirituality, giving to others—this is what most of us want. However, these goals often collide. For example, passion may conflict with stability, autonomy with intimacy, self-expression with concern for others. You will have to set priorities and choose the balance that feels right for you. We urge you to incorporate elements of these broader goals in your own unique way, in accord with your own unique needs and priorities.

We have developed a term to describe what we consider to be a healthy attitude toward change:
empathic self-confrontation.
Show compassion for yourself, while continually pushing yourself to change. Many people either criticize themselves too harshly when they do not feel they have changed enough, or they are too lenient and make excuses to let themselves off the hook.