Restless Hearts (2 page)

Three months earlier

“Thank you for the dance.” Sarah’s dance partner returned her to the group of young women who’d gathered well away from the orchestra. She smiled graciously, unable to remember his name. She’d only agreed to dance with him to get away from the incessant gossip from the cluster of unattached women. Lewis hadn’t partnered her for about half an hour, even though he’d brought her to the dance. She’d reluctantly agreed to attend the St. Valentine’s dance after her mother had overheard Lewis asking her for the second time, and urged her to attend.

She sighed as she scanned the dance floor for a sign of her fiancé. Becoming engaged to Lewis had been a mistake, but she’d accepted his proposal out of desperation, devastated by her father’s refusal to endorse her application to medical school. She and Lewis were good friends, but there was no romantic spark between them, even when he kissed her, his lips dry and cool.

“We haven’t seen much of you recently.” Lydia Carmichael eyed her over her fan. Sarah thought the fan was ridiculous; it was February and not the least bit hot.

“I’ve been busy,” she said, wondering why Lydia had singled her out. “Helping my father with his practise.”

“Euuw.” The expression on Lydia’s face made her distaste clear. “Cleaning up after sick people!”

Sarah wanted to crack her over her head with the ridiculous fan. “No,” she said evenly. “Not exactly. I assist him with many of his small surgeries.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Lydia rolled her eyes dramatically, more for the benefit of the other women than for Sarah. “I forgot about your determination to break into the medical profession.” She tapped the folded fan against her chin and narrowed her gaze. “It won’t work, you know. Women will never be accepted.”

Up until recently, Sarah would have agreed. But things were changing. Slowly, to be true, but they
were
changing. The trouble was, the changes were unlikely to help her anytime soon.

“Oh, haven’t you heard?” Sarah tried to keep the triumph out of her voice. “Elizabeth Blackwell was graduated from medical school just last month.”

Lydia’s eyes widened, but she recovered quickly. “One woman! Oh yes, I read about that. Wasn’t that a mistake?”

Sarah acknowledged the comment with a tip of her head. “Perhaps her initial acceptance was a mistake of sorts, but she graduated at the top of her class.”

“Really.” Sarcasm dripped from Lydia’s lips and she looked to her friends for support. “Commendable, I’m sure, but one woman graduating from medical school is hardly a trend.”

Sarah’s temper was reaching the boiling point, but she bit her tongue. “True, but attitudes are changing. Especially since the New England Female Medical College opened in Boston last year. I consider that to be real progress.”

“And are you enrolled?”

The spiteful question almost brought tears to Sarah’s eyes, but she refused to show weakness. “Regrettably not. My father wouldn’t approve. And now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go outside for some fresh air.” She turned on her heel and walked away, head held high. Let them talk about her. She didn’t care what they said, but attitudes like Lydia’s didn’t help bring about the important changes that were needed before women could find liberation.

Once outside, she pulled her shawl around her shoulders and stepped into the shadows behind a rose trellis. It was too cold to stay out here for long, but the change in temperature would cool her down in more ways than one. She took several deep breaths and was about to go back inside when she heard a soft moan. Was someone in pain? Did they need help?

She was about to step out of the shadows when she heard a man’s voice. “Oh, Lewis. I can’t live like this, knowing you’re going to marry Sarah. I thought you loved me.”

And then the familiar voice of her fiancé. “I do love you, Stephen. You know that.”

Uncomfortable spying, and yet mesmerized by the conversation, Sarah looked around the corner of the trellis. Lewis was tenderly holding Stephen’s face, and as she watched, he kissed the other man fully on the mouth, deepening the kiss until the other man moaned with need. The sight was oddly arousing, and disturbing at the same time. Lewis had never kissed her that way, and now she knew why.

“When can we be together again?” The man called Stephen was touching Lewis intimately, and Sarah looked away. “It’s been too long.”

“I don’t know, but please be patient. I’ll talk to Sarah soon. I promise.”

Sarah didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until the patio doors opened and a laughing couple stepped outside, music spilling out behind them. She slipped through the open door and stood quietly for a moment, composing herself. She’d heard about men who preferred other men, but she hadn’t known any. At least she didn’t think she had... until now.

Her initial shock was soon replaced by relief. She didn’t want to marry Lewis, or anyone else at this point in her life. They’d met over ten years ago, and grown up together, but she blamed herself for the situation they were in now. She should never have gone along with their family’s expectations that they would one day get married.

The engagement ring felt tight on her finger and she looked at it sadly. She’d accepted his proposal during the Christmas season, knowing even then that it was a mistake. At the time it had seemed like the only way out. Her father had refused to endorse her for the medical college and here she was, twenty two years old and would soon be considered too old for marriage. Especially now, with the pool of available men shrinking, as many headed west to find gold and excitement in California.

Lewis’s family owned a cartage business, and they had been talking about expanding. The idea of moving away from Boston appealed to her, and she’d told herself that by accepting his proposal she could make a new life. She would come to love him eventually, she told herself. At least they were friends.

But now everything had changed. She managed to avoid the other guests and sought out a quiet corner where she could think. It wasn’t a question of
what
she should do now. That much was clear. The question was, when should she confront Lewis?

“There you are.” Startled, she looked up to see him standing in front of her. “Are you all right, Sarah?” He’d known her long enough to discern that something was wrong. She wished the best for him in his difficult life ahead, but she would have preferred that he wasn’t so perceptive.

“I’m fine.” It was an automatic answer, and she retracted it almost instantly. “No, I’m not, Lewis. I’ve developed a bit of a headache. Do you mind taking me home?”

“Not at all. I’ll have the carriage brought around, and we can leave immediately.”

* * *

Lewis looked over at her several times on the way home. He appeared to be getting up his nerve to speak, while Sarah looked straight ahead, gathering herself for what was to come.

When they pulled up in front of her father’s residence, he fidgeted, making no move to get out.

“Lewis.” She turned to him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.”

The look on his face was almost comical. His first reaction had been joy, then a puzzled expression took over.

“Why, Sarah?”

Light flickered from the lamp at the gatepost, and she looked into his eyes. “I saw you with Stephen tonight. I overheard what you said.”

The blood drained from his face and he seemed to shrink back into the depths of the carriage.

“It’s all right, Lewis. I understand.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “We never should have become engaged in the first place.”

He looked up, and for a moment she thought he might cry. “Do you hate me?”

“Of course not. We’ve been friends too long for that.”

Hope flared in his eyes. “Then you won’t tell anyone?”

“No. I’ll tell my family that we won’t be marrying, but that we want to remain friends.” She removed the ring from her finger and handed it to him. “Here, take this.”

He reached for the ring and she held on, reluctant to sever the connection they’d shared for so many years. “You really need to be more careful when you and Stephen are in public together.” She released her hold on the ring. “What will you do?”

He gave her a hopeful grin. “This is all very sudden, but maybe Stephen and I could move together to Philadelphia when we expand the business. No one knows us there.”

Sarah nodded. “That could work.” She raised a hand to his cheek. “Be careful, Lewis, but be happy.”

He nodded wordlessly, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. Sarah got out of the carriage and walked to the front door. She didn’t look back.

* * *

“You’re home early.” Sarah’s mother looked up as Sarah removed her shawl and stood at the entrance to the living room.

“Yes.” Sarah pressed fingers to her temple. “I developed a bit of a headache.” She glanced toward her father’s chair by the fire. “Has father been called out?”

Bridget Howard sighed. “No, he turned in early. He was up most of last night trying to save that young child who was run over by a carriage.” She raised her eyes. “The child died this morning.”

Sarah squeezed her eyes shut and said a quick prayer. A dedicated physician, her father was still saddened every time he wasn’t able to save a patient. She liked that about him; the fact that he didn’t adopt an aloof air, the way some other physicians did when dealing with death. His compassion was one of the reasons she’d been taken completely by surprise when he’d refused to support her application to medical school. Another reason was that she’d been helping him treat patients in his office for as long as she could remember. She’d thought he understood where her interests lay.

Her mother’s voice brought her out of her reverie. “Shall I make you some warm milk, my dear? It might help you to fall asleep.”

Sarah smiled at her mother. Bridget Howard was the core of this family. Sarah’s father may be the breadwinner and the titular head of the household, but nothing worked in this family without her mother.

“No thanks, but I would like to talk to you for a moment. Devon is out, I take it?”

Bridget nodded. “Yes, your brother is out with his friends. I do wish he’d settle down, but...” Her voice trailed off.

Sarah sat down on the footstool by her mother’s chair and plucked at the folds of her skirt. Her mother was going to be disappointed, but it would serve no purpose to delay.

“Mother, Lewis and I aren’t getting married. We decided tonight.”

Her mother’s gaze went to her left hand.

“I returned the ring.”

“But surely....” Her mother frowned. “This is rather sudden. Surely you can patch things up.”

Sarah held her mother’s gaze and made a decision. “Mother, Lewis is in love with someone else.”

Bridget put down her embroidery. “Why that’s preposterous.”

Sarah felt her lips twitch in a wry smile. Her mother was right; it
was
preposterous. “Mother, Lewis is in love with another man. I found out tonight.”

Her mother’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. Sarah watched as she looked around the room, her gaze finally coming to rest on a set of crystal candlesticks on the mantelpiece. When she finally spoke, her voice seemed to come from a long distance. “Your father is going to be so angry when he hears about this.”

“No he isn’t.” Sarah reached out and took both of her mother’s hands. “Because we’re not going to tell him the details. As far as he’s concerned, I changed my mind.” Sarah watched as her mother considered her statement.

“I promised Lewis I wouldn’t tell anyone, and now I’m asking you to help me keep my word.” She smiled. “Please understand, mother. Lewis and I are friends. I genuinely like him, but quite frankly, I’m relieved not to be marrying him.” She felt like she’d been deprived of oxygen for a long time, and had finally been given permission to breathe. She gave her mother’s fingers a gentle squeeze. “I want something more than that in my life. I thought I’d be in medical college by now. That wasn’t to be, but I refuse to accept that my life is over. I don’t want to marry someone just to be married. I want to have a life that means something. I want to have some adventures.”

Bridget Howard’s face softened and for a moment she was somewhere else as she gazed into the fire. “I can understand that,” she said quietly. “When I was young, I had the chance to go to England for a year, but my mother wasn’t well and I chose to stay home and take care of her. I’ve never said this to anyone, but I always regretted that I missed that opportunity. That was before I met your father, of course.” She looked at her daughter and exhaled slowly. “I know you’re deeply disappointed with him right now, Sarah, but he’s a good man.” She picked up her embroidery and stared at it, as though wondering who had created the intricate pattern. “And while I’m being frank, I might as well tell you: there were harsh words between us about your medical training, but your father was adamant.” She shook her head. “There was only so much I could do.”

Sarah rarely heard her mother speak so candidly and it took a few moments for the words to sink in. “I didn’t know that. Thank you for sticking up for me. That means a lot.”