Restraint (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (23 page)

After a few minutes Ezra hoarsely
whispers, “Whose is she?”

I
automatically reply with, “You don’t know my secret.” However, his stormy gaze screams that he does. On the spot, I understand that Ezra does know me… all of me… except for this. His stalking didn’t gain him this.

“
I do now,” he incredulously says. “Is she from the man that raped you or did you have a child later on in life?” His face is a blank, emotionless, expressionless.

“
How did you know what I meant?” I whisper. Ezra hopelessly stares at me in reply and shakes his head. “I had a child from my rape-”

I cut off the rest of my sentence as I watch E
zra rock back and forth in a trance-like state. He keeps repeating the word
monster.
His face pales as it drains of blood. Ezra makes the most pitiful sound I’ve ever heard come from man or beast.

“Ezra
, are you alright?” I shake him, but he doesn’t notice. He’s borderline catatonic. I should be the one freaking out. It was my secret to tell. I was the one freaking out just moments ago. But seeing a strong man reduced to a mumbling mass of panic, yanks me from my own miseries. I drag Ezra to my lap and wrap my arms around him. He feels so cold to my touch that I’m frightened for him. He is supposed to be the strong one. He is our rock, the foundation that supports Aaron and Cortez and Kayla… and I’d hoped he’d support me. But if he falls apart, none of us stand a chance.

“I don’t
understand why you are so upset… please calm down,” I beg him. My voice warbles from worry.

“How can
you live as if nothing happened? How are you not insane? How can you raise that monster’s child?” His voice is filled with disgust and self-hatred.

“Ava i
s not a monster’s child,” I hiss. “She is
my
child, and she’s perfect.” My voice wavers from anger. I try to push Ezra from my lap but he tightly holds on. “What kind of man are you to say that about a child to her mother’s face?” I furiously accuse.

“Ava?” Ezra sharply shrieks. “Her name is Ava? It’s not about the girl or you… it’s about that monster,” Ezra twists the word until it sounds more menacing than the word Satan.

“There were circumstances I never told anyone,” I defend my daughter and her father. “He wasn’t a monster.”

“What do you mean- circumstances?”
He hopelessly asks. The words are muffled from where he’s pressing his face into my lap. “How could her father not be a monster?”

“I- I never told the whole story about that day. I always omitted one vital piece of information.
I just… the truth was worse than I could handle. To this day I can’t remember the minute details. But… Oh, God, Ezra,” I desperately cry, finally ready to admit the truth I’ve kept hidden for almost twelve years. “I was run down by four men- three of them where very young, younger than I was… and one of them was just a boy, I almost see him as a child. I protected them when I gave my statement. I said the boys just held me down because the man made them, and that they ran while he raped me. I lied.”

“I know,” Ezra admits.
“It’s in your records that the monster said his son went first. Is it the son’s child or the Monster’s child?”

I
suck in a gasp of air at his revelation. I didn’t know that Ray Hunter confessed that. I don’t know why I thought he’d protect his child. He probably tried to push the rape off onto the boy. My secrets weren’t as hidden as I’d hoped.

“Ezra,
I don’t like that you read my files,” I angrily hiss. “I haven’t even read my files. I just… I just couldn’t handle reliving it, seeing my violation on paper. Knowing that an account of what happened is out there for public record and that you read it, it feels like another violation. I would scream about boundaries, but that’s not important right now,” I warily say. “My daughter is not a monster, and she wasn’t created from my rapist. Ava’s father is the son,” I reveal.

Ezra squeezes me tighter
, as if he lessens his hold he will break apart. He’s breathing hard and his heart beat rapidly against my palm. He’s quaking so hard that my body rocks from the force.

“How do you know it’s his?”
Ezra asks, lips barely moving as he speaks.

“
Raymond Hunter never finished… he never finished inside me,” I stammer out, simultaneously ashamed and relieved. “He was interrupted when he figured out the boys escaped, and he immediately chased after them… He never finished.”

And I
thank God for that every day.

Ezra
sprawls onto his back on the tile floor, an arm covering his face. “Anymore shit I don’t know?” he asks in disbelief, and I can’t reason out why it’s such a big deal for him. But Ezra prides himself on control. This is information he didn’t have, so he doesn’t have control.

“
Seriously, are you trying to intentionally kill me?” Ezra humorously says as he wipes tears from his face. He releases his patented heavy sigh. Ezra reaches over and yanks me into his arms, and just holds me. Neither of us speaks as we seek mutual comfort. It’s not about sex or a game or BDSM, it’s just connecting to another human being, understanding their pain and wanting to remove it. But sometimes it’s about dwelling in the pain together- nothing bonds like mutual torment. Master Ez or Ezra, whatever you call him, he is my strength. I feel lighter. Just saying the words out loud lifted some of the weight from my soul. We remain in each other’s arms for a long while.

“Take Katya
back to her apartment and lie with her while she sleeps, okay?” Ezra rubs soothing circles on my back as he talks to someone who just entered the bathroom. I don’t have the energy to care who.

“Are you sure that’s best. It should be you.
Katya may freak out on me.” Aaron- it’s Aaron’s gravelly deep voice. I relax further, feeling safe.

“A new development just
materialized and I must fact check it immediately. Just hold Katya, make sure she can smell your scent. Comfort her, the last hour has been a stressful one,” Ezra makes the understatement of the year.

“What is more important t
han her?” Aaron sounds furious.

“A mini-her,
” Ezra freely spills my secret, as if it is his to tell. Aaron’s stunned gasp echoes throughout the bathroom.

“Okay,
” Aaron breathes, “I see your point. What’s this about scent?”

“
Some things are ingrained inside Katya’s psyche. We may sound different or look different, but we smell the same.”

“What?” I garble out, but the fading panic attack mixed with my revelation and the earlier stress, I’m quickly fading out. It’s either sleep if off or pass the fuck out. The mind can only handle so much shit, and sometimes it quits before the body is ready.

“If that’s true, shouldn’t it terrify her?” Aaron incredulously asks in a tight voice.

“Yes, I’ve empl
oyed it a few times to calm her, so she would sleep. Katya associates it with safety. Please, take her,” Ezra begs. “It’s killing me because I want to be with her, but this cannot wait.”

Chapter
Twenty-Three

Aaron
is becoming a master caregiver, and I feel guilty for putting him through it. It’s not his responsibility to coddle my ass, but he’s doing it like a champ. I’m showered, fed, and tucked into bed with Aaron leaning against me.

I’m resolved. No matter what I remember, what is thrown at me- I will not breakdown again. What I did earlier in Ezra’s office was inexcusable. Guilt shames me for how I treated Adelaide.
She is a human being and has done nothing wrong. She has been wronged by not only Ezra, but by me. I can deny any culpability up until I figured out that Ezra was Master Ez… but everything after that is all on me. I would love to blame Ezra for allowing it, for perpetuating it. But I am at fault. Only I control myself.

I
had promised myself as I lie broken in the woods that I would never break. I debased myself today, and not in the cathartic sort of way that one achieves through a BDSM scene. I sunk to a whole new low, and I am more ashamed than I can ever admit.

My bad behavior aside, I’m glad I finally admitted the truth, I feel lighter. I just hope that I didn’t confide in the wrong person. Ezra doesn’t have the best track record: controlling, stalking, spying and recording, micromanaging, and adulterous.

My God, I’m so fucking stupid for spilling my secrets to him. No way can he be trusted. I’m not sure he’s entirely sane at this point.

Shaky and unsure,
I take Aaron’s hand in mine and twine our fingers. I need the connection to find comfort. Aaron has been respectful of my space, only leaning against me and not touching my skin. I appreciate the gentlemanly attempts, but I need touch.

“How can you be around all this crazi
ness? It isn’t healthy for you,” I sadly say. Aaron is a big guy, but he reminds me of a teddy bear, sweet and innocent. 

“Did it ever occu
r to you that maybe this isn’t just a game. I know that you know who Master Ez is now, but that isn’t what this is about. One connects to the other. One’s sanity is the next person’s sanity.” He cryptically says, saying so very much but making absolutely no sense… and sounding vaguely insane as he says it.

“I don’t understand,
” I mumble out of confusion.

“I know,” Aaron breathes as he
rests his cheek against mine. “Ah, Katya, what are we going to do with you.” He heartily chuckles, a happy yet sad sound. “You shocked us all today. I can’t believe you did that. It was so out of character. What must be going through that head of yours to make you behave in such a way?”

Embarrassed by my own actions, I change the subject. “How did you meet Ezra?”

“When I was twelve, my mother was employed by Diane Zeitler,” Aaron fondly says, “Ezra’s mother. Mom became the housekeeper of ShadowHaven, and we moved in with the family.”

“Tell me more, please. I don’t want to think
about my own mess.” My tone is just short of begging. “Please distract me, Aaron.”

“
Alright, alright,” Aaron warmly chuckles. “Story time!”

“Thank you,” I genuinely say.

“I had a good childhood, chasing after the guys. We did what boys do, played video games, got into trouble, and goofed around. But Ezra and Cortez were inseparable. Cortez didn’t like that Ezra warmed to me so quickly- jealous prick.” Aaron says the word prick with affection lacing his voice. “Cort would snub me and could be kind of nasty towards me. But he got over it. We had a couple of good years together,” he trails off.

“What do you
mean?” My voice is tinged with confusion. “You’re all still together now.”

“Ah, shit.” Aaron rolls over and buries his face in
to my hair. “I see what Ezra means, I remember your smell.” His comment makes me uncomfortable. I try to pull away so I can’t ask Aaron what he meant by that, but he tightens his grip on my hand.

“I got to have fun with them for around three years
. If we thought it- Ezra bought it. If we wanted to go somewhere- we went. We had a lot of fun picking on Divina and Faith.”

“I know you were raised with Divina, but who is Faith?” I ask, but he doesn’t answer me. Must be another relative.

Aaron just talks over my question, as if he has to spill the words or he’ll choke on them. I know the feeling. “It all crashed down when Ezra went missing.” Forgetting all pretenses of boundaries, Aaron engulfs me in a hug. “Cortez went insane, savage. Forty-eight hours of unadulterated torment.” Aaron laughs without humor. “Marcus couldn’t even control him and he controls the universe.”

“Oh, Aaron,” I cry, tightly embracing him back.

“The worst was not knowing where Ezra was- if he was still alive. But we didn’t have to wait too long before we were taken, too. Up until then, none of us had a concept of what real pain and torture was. We learned rather quickly.”

“How long were you gone?
” My voice breaks as I realize that I am not the only one holding an immense wealth of pain. Aaron’s admission validates all that Kimber had told me about her abduction… and Kimber is Ezra. A small comfort that Ezra hasn’t lied with every breath he’s taken, at least some of it was truth.

“A week to the day of Ezra’s abduction
we were rescued by an unlikely person. Cortez and I were only gone for three days, but Ezra endured a week. Ezra, he always gets us what we need, he always protects us, and this was no exception.” There is a soul-deep reverence when Aaron speaks of his master. Nothing ties a greater bind then tragic circumstance. “He had to sacrifice a part of himself to save us from a similar fate, and we used that distraction to escape. Can you believe it was Ezra’s eighteenth birthday? What a way to start his adult life, huh?”

“I can relate,” I whisper.

“Oh, no doubt you can. So, yeah, that was a couple of good years. Yes, pain binds people closer together than anything else can. But our bond is now sick- poisoned, diseased. There is a need that wasn’t there before, and it’s never satisfied… and it’s Ezra’s need,” Aaron whispers in a bone chilling tone, just as I drift off to sleep.