R.I.L.Y Forever (7 page)

“Jules, I wish I’d known how you felt. I wish things had been different and I could’ve found a way to reach you, to help you. Why did you feel responsible for Ella’s attack? You had nothing to do with that.”

“I… It’s complicated. Never mind. That’s not important,” she said and averted her eyes.

“It is important. Why did you blame yourself? It makes no sense. I know you were young and traumatized, but—”

“That doesn’t matter,” she said cutting him off in a tone that brooked no argument. “What I’m trying to tell you is your parents were right. Ella’s attack brought home the point your parents were trying to tell us from the very beginning. We were different. We were never going to work and you deserved better. You and your family didn’t need scandal and that’s what I was, a hot bed of scandal.”

Ethan ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his forehead. This was an old argument, one that held no water at all and she damn well knew it.

“Julia, you knew I didn’t care what my family thought. I loved you and would’ve done anything to help you. I guess I never convinced you of that.”

“Yes, you told me over and over again. You didn’t care about your family or what they thought. But I cared. I, who hardly had a family, knew the value of a family and cared for both of us. I wanted you to have the life they wanted for you. I wanted you to go to Duke like they wanted and like you wanted, not follow me to Holy Cross. In the end I had no choice anyway.”

“What do you mean you had no choice? I don’t get it. What am I missing?”

Her eyes met his and locked. He saw the indecision and doubt. She was trying to decide what to say, choosing her words and picking her way through the rubble of the past. In the end, she closed her eyes and shook her head. Her shoulders slumped. She was done. She was exhausted, toasted. He wasn’t going to get one more word out of her.

“It doesn’t matter now,” she said and gave a big sigh. “It’s all in the past anyway. Some things are better left there.”

“I don’t want any secrets left between us. Whatever it is, you can share it with me. Let me help you cast those demons out of our lives forever.”

For a long time, she searched his eyes. With another heavy sigh, her big green eyes filled with sadness, she said, “No, Ethan, you’ve made your peace with the past and we’re going to keep it that way. Now I know you’re no longer angry with me, in time, I’ll find peace too. Let’s bury the past and never unearth it again.”

Chapter Six

Saturday turned out to be a cool, rainy spring day and Lilly, who normally woke up happy, was in a cranky mood. Julia stayed up late after Ethan left, first cleaning, then talking to Aimee for hours, and finally tossing and turning for the rest of the night. She was sleep deprived and hung over and, like her daughter, was in a foul mood.

Julia dragged through her morning routine in a haze. As she fed, bathed, and dressed Lilly, the events of the night before replayed over and over again until her head ached. It was an emotional evening and although she hadn’t told Ethan the entire truth, it was a relief to share some of it with him. She came close to telling him everything, but for all sorts of reasons, one of them being she was a coward, she couldn’t do it. She hoped the explanation she gave him was enough. It had to be.

After convincing Ethan she was too exhausted to talk any further, he left and she opened another bottle of wine and called Aimee. Aimee was a fantastic listener. In her usual silent, yet supportive manner, she let Julia talk herself in circles until she found her way to the question she needed to ask and needed to answer. Why hadn’t she told Ethan everything when she was given the chance? The truth was simple.

She was terrified.

She had every intention of telling him everything, but when the moment came, she was seized, bound and gagged by terror. What if he didn’t believe her? What if he did and was furious she didn’t tell him? What if this time, he was the one to walk away?

Twenty-two years ago she did what she was directed to do. She broke all ties with Ethan and kept her mouth shut. By doing so she kept herself and Ella safe from any further harm. Now their lives had collided and, like always, she would do anything to protect the people she loved. Many people, Ethan being one and Lilly being another, could still be hurt if the truth came to light. Because of that, when it came time to lift the veil and reveal the ugly truth, she couldn’t do it. Right or wrong, she made the decision to hold back.

Julia settled Lilly in front of
Sesame Street
and filled the largest mug she could find with coffee that claimed to be “bold and vibrant.” She sat at the kitchen table and relived the day she said goodbye to Ethan. Two days after Ella was attacked, she was released from the hospital with two broken ribs, a broken arm, and so many cuts and bruises it was impossible to catalog them all. Julia drove her home and after settling Ella in bed and giving her medication for pain, Julia penned Ethan a letter severing all ties with him.

In the letter Julia explained she wouldn’t be returning to school for the last few weeks, but would finish out the year at home while taking care of Ella. She said she had plenty of time to think as she sat by Ella’s hospital bed and she came to the realization his parents were right. They
were
too different and nothing could change that. She wanted to start fresh in college and he should go to Duke and do the same. As she came to the end of the letter, she sobbed and her hand shook as she wrote the final sentence, the one she knew would hurt him, the one she knew he would read over and over again and then let her go.

“I sorry, but I want my freedom. I want my wings to fly. If you love me, let me go, let me soar. Please don’t hold me back, let me fly.”

At first, Ethan was hard to convince, but Julia wouldn’t accept his calls or his gifts and wouldn’t open the door when he came by. She told Aimee the whole story one evening as she sobbed in her arms while Ella slept in a drug-induced fog. She needed to share her sorrow with someone and Aimee was the only other person on earth she trusted. She begged Aimee to help her convince Ethan they were done and he had to move on.

Aimee was hard to convince. She’d watched as Julia fell in love with Ethan and knew how much Ethan meant to her. But she relented and did her part to convince Ethan he and Julia were through. In time, Ethan stopped trying to contact Julia, until the day of their high school graduation.

Under Julia’s watchful eyes and loving care, Ella healed. She was a remarkable woman who was unflappably optimistic and observant. No matter how peppy Julia acted, Ella knew there was something wrong with Julia, especially when she didn’t see Ethan lurking around. For two and a half years, wherever Julia was, Ethan was sure to be. Ella loved Ethan and she was troubled when Julia and Aimee froze him out. No matter what she said or did, both girls were tight-lipped. His absence was remarkable as was the sheer misery on Julia’s face. Ella couldn’t comprehend what happened and no matter how often she tried to question her, Julia refused to talk about it.

After Julia’s high school graduation ceremony, Ethan approached Ella and Julia asking to speak with Julia. Ella didn’t wait for Julia to refuse. In a firm voice she said, “Julia, enough! I raised you better than this. You go listen to what that boy has to say and you deal with your troubles once and for all. I may be aging, but I am neither blind nor deaf. I am tired of hearing you cry every night and tired of seeing dark circles under your eyes. Child, stop running and go be the person I raised you to be. Go, do the right thing for both of you.”

Turning her attention to Ethan, Ella continued. “Son, I have no idea what you did or even if you did anything to cause this, but you too must deal with this mess. I love you like you were my own and because of that, I’m interfering. This is your chance. I’ve bought you some time. Put an end to this nonsense and don’t make me regret it.”

Ethan kissed Ella’s check and led Julia to the creek behind the school. They stood at the edge of the creek under a great willow tree where they often picnicked and talked for hours. Julia’s heart hammered in her chest. She was panicked and terrified they would be seen together. She ached to be in his arms and hated herself for the pain she saw in his eyes, pain she’d inflicted. She refused to look at him or speak to him knowing she wasn’t strong enough to do either.

She stayed silent, barely able to hold herself up as she shook with both fear and longing. When she sat on a rock but refused to meet his eyes, or answer any of his questions, and flinched when he touched her arm, he gave up. For a long time, he stayed silent, his breathing ragged, his hands ripping at his hair as he paced. Finally, he calmed and when he spoke, she could hear the defeat and utter resignation in his voice.

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this, ending us like this. I don’t know what I did wrong and I don’t believe a single word of what you wrote in that fucking letter … not a single word. I love you, Julia. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be a part of me.” Then, he gave her the locket, turned, and walked out of her life.

Julia put her coffee mug down and reached for the locket. She opened the wings and read the inscription. It still had the same effect it had the first time she read it. Her body warmed all over and her heart soared with the knowledge at one time, someone had loved her, not because they had to, but because they chose to. Someone had loved her for who she was, the way she was. That person didn’t want to change her because she wasn’t good enough. To that one person, she was perfect the way she was. It was a heady feeling to be loved that way. Yes, Ella had loved her, but she was her parent, not her lover.

Julia stood and made her way to the kitchen for another mug of coffee. She shook her head and glanced at the clock on the stove. Matt would be arriving in thirty minutes. Enough of the past. She had to deal with the present. What in the world was she going to do about Matt? She had to call Lexi for some guidance.

Although it was a Saturday, Lexi would be difficult to find. The woman was always on the run. When she wasn’t working, she was coordinating a charity benefit, volunteering at a shelter of some kind, or taking a class at the fitness center. Lexi was still a mystery, a contradiction, to Julia. She was young, beautiful, well spoken, and accomplished, but also the busiest, loneliest, and saddest person Julia knew. She often hid behind her attorney cloak or put on a big smile for the world to see, although her eyes told a different story.

Given Lexi’s crazy lifestyle, Julia was surprised when she caught her at home.

“Hi, how are you and the world’s cutest baby today?”

“Hi, Lex. We’re both a bit grumpy, but fine. You?”

“I’m about the same as you guys. Just got dumped by Todd,” Lexi said in a matter of fact tone.

“Oh Lexi, I’m sorry. What happened?”

“It’s the usual. He wants more than I can give. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t call to talk about me anyway. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry, but yeah, I kind of need your advice. I know it’s a bad time and I feel bad asking, but do you have a second?”

“It’s okay, tell me. Distract me from my shitty life, please.”

Julia told Lexi about her conversation with Matt and her growing concern about his on again, off again relationship with his daughter as well as his latest comment about Lilly’s behavior.

“Here’s the thing, Jules. He hasn’t hurt her or threatened to hurt her. Not really. Legally, you still don’t have much to stand on, as shitty as that seems. My advice is you make it clear to him what your expectations are in the future regarding visitation and his interactions with Lilly, how you expect discipline to be handled, etc. Then stand firm. He’s got to know he can’t push you around and if he violates those expectations, there will be consequences.”

“Okay, Lex, I’ll do the best I can. I was trying to keep the peace and hoping this didn’t get ugly. I want Lilly to have a good relationship with her father and I didn’t want to sabotage that in any way. But he sure is making this difficult.”

“Julia, you can’t force him to love his child or to have a relationship with her. That’s up to him. Your job is to protect your child. You’ve let him have all the power here and that’s got to stop if you’re going to protect Lilly and be her advocate. I told you to be reasonable and communicative, not let him run all over you. Come on girl, where’s your backbone? If nothing else, remember I have enough dirt on this man to take him down. If you want me to. Say the word.”

There was no arguing with Lexi. She was right. Julia needed to hear this and was glad she talked to Lexi. She now knew how to proceed and she felt stronger and more capable of dealing with Matt’s bullshit.

As Julia hung up with Lexi, she heard the sound of a car door closing in the driveway. Spine straight and with a new sense of empowerment, she opened the door. Matt was dressed in a charcoal gray suit and tie, attempting to look elegant, but coming off as disingenuous. In her eyes, he resembled a slimy car salesman in an expensive suit. For the life of her, Julia couldn’t see what she’d found so attractive in him. Thank God Lilly didn’t inherit his mousy brown hair or cold blue eyes.

“Good morning Matt, please come in.”

“I don’t have time to come in. Carla is waiting in the car. Is she ready?” Matt said as he glanced back at the car.

As usual, Matt was in a hurry to please Carla. That was too damn bad. There was no way she was going to be rushed or rush her daughter through this reunion. She proceeded as Lexi advised and took charge. She’d been his doormat for too long and that was going to change right now. She squared her shoulders and found her voice.

“If you want to take Lilly today, you’ll come inside and speak with me. We have a few things we need to talk about. This won’t take long, but we will speak before you take Lilly anywhere.”

Julia stood straighter and locked eyes with him. A flicker of surprise crossed his features before he folded his umbrella and walked through the door. Lilly was engrossed in
Finding Nemo
and never once looked up. Julia led him to the kitchen where she could keep an eye on Lilly. Matt passed Lilly on his way to the kitchen, but he never acknowledged her presence and in turn, his child ignored him.

“What’s this about? I don’t have all day,” he said in a curt, cold voice that used to make her nervous and anxious to please him.

“First, keep your voice down. I don’t want Lilly upset. Second, this will be the last time you pick up Lilly for anything without clearing it with me well in advance.”

“This is ridiculous,” Matt grumbled, crossing his arms. “I’m her—”

“Don’t interrupt me, Matt. I’m well aware you’re her father, although I’m not sure if you remember that fact on a regular basis. Here’s the thing, if you want to be in your child’s life, then you will do it consistently so she can build a relationship with you. Not this once-a-month or whenever you remember she exists business. It’s too traumatic for her. If you don’t want to be in her life, it’s your loss. One way or another make a decision, because I’m not going to let you hurt her anymore.”

“Anything else you want to lecture me on?”

His flippant manner irked Julia more than it ever had. He wasn’t taking her seriously. This discussion was about their child, the most important person in her world, but not his. Lexi was on target when she said Julia had to man up and be Lilly’s advocate because Matt never would. He would never be the father, the man, they both needed him to be. Lilly only had her to depend on and if she didn’t get Matt’s attention, Lilly would suffer.

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is, but look alive here, Matt. Perk up and listen up ’cause I’m only going to tell you this once. I do
not
believe in physical discipline. If you or your wife so much as touch our daughter in anger or in discipline, mark my words you will both live to regret it. She is not spoiled. She is two. If you feel she’s too much for you to handle, then leave her to me.”