Run to Me (27 page)

‘Luke! Stop it,’ pleads Abby. ‘He didn’t do
anything wrong. Please, Luke. Not like this. Please.’

I can hear him puffing above me, his feet
planted by my sides, and his fists trembling with anger. I look out at him,
from behind my arms, like some kind of cowering idiot. It’s no wonder, then,
that I get pity thrown back at me. He shakes his head, really slowly, and drops
his hands.

‘For fuck sake, Abby,’ he says, stepping back.
‘He’s just a
kid
.’

Twenty One

Nadine is almost in tears, for me, when she
opens her front door.

‘I’m so sorry, Abby.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ I say, even though that
is obvious.

She hugs me and takes my stuffed bag out of my
hands. I’d had about ten minutes to pack after Paul dragged himself off the
grass in our front yard. Any longer and Luke might have literally thrown me out
with his bare hands.

‘Sit, sit,’ says Nadine, fussing around me and
pushing me towards the lounge. I collapse onto it and pull my knees up under my
chin.

‘This is actually happening, isn’t it?’ I ask.

Nadine drops my bag on the carpet beside the
television and settles onto the leather footstool right in front of me. She
doesn’t say anything. She simply nods.

‘He was so angry. I mean, I know he has every
right to be. But, Nade, I’d never seen him like that. He went after Paul pretty
badly.’

Nadine holds her words back but I recognise the
expression on her face.

‘Paul hasn’t done anything wrong. He doesn’t
deserve to be beaten up.’

‘I know, Ab. But still, they’re men. That’s what
they do.’

‘Yeah, well I don’t want men fighting over me.’

‘What
do
you want?’

My face creases up. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well,’ she begins, running her hands down the
length of her thighs. ‘You’ve done this thing and Luke knows. What do you want
to happen now?’

I close my eyes and lean my head on my knees.
There is only one answer in my mind.

‘As crazy as it sounds, I think I want to be
with Paul.’

Nadine gives me a frustrated smirk. ‘It’s hardly
crazy given what you’ve risked for him.’

‘I didn’t risk my marriage. I buried it.’

‘So this is really it with Luke then?’

‘He won’t forgive me.’

‘Do you really want him to?’

‘I suppose not.’

‘So you did this just to break up with Luke?’

‘No. Not just that.’

‘Oh, no. I forgot about the sex with the young,
hot guy.’

This makes me laugh. Nadine laughs too and we
both grab hold of each other’s hands.

‘It’s not funny,’ she says through it all.

‘No.’

But we keep going, until I’m as laughed out as I
am cried out. I lower my legs and sit up straighter on the lounge.

‘I need to call him,’ I say.

‘Now?’

‘Yes, now.’

She gets me the phone, and leaves, patting me
gently on the shoulder as she passes. He picks up on the second ring.

‘I’ve been sitting practically on top of the phone
since I got back. Are you OK? Where are you?’

‘I’m at Nadine’s. Are you OK?’

‘A little sore, but I’ll survive. So you left,
then?’

‘Yes.’

‘Can I come there? To Nadine’s?’

‘It’s not a good idea.’

‘Why?’

‘I just don’t think it’s right, Paul.’

He pauses and I can hear him breathing. It seems
strained.

‘I’ll speak to Nadine,’ I say, to soothe him.
‘Maybe tomorrow, after school?’

‘All right.’

‘Paul?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thank you. For being there, today.’

‘I didn’t like seeing you like that.’

‘I’m OK.’

‘I know. But don’t cry, OK? And I’ll see you tomorrow.’

I hang up and lie down on the lounge. Over the
rest of the evening, Nadine brings me soup, and cups of tea, and just sits with
me while I stare at the television. Nothing goes in; I only have Luke’s words
running over and over in my mind – he’s just a kid, he’s just a kid. I picture
Paul lying on the grass, hiding behind his own arms, bracing himself to be
punched again, and I wonder how I could have gotten us all into this situation,
and if I am going to be stupid enough to let Paul stay in Jungilla with me.

I don’t sleep at all on Sunday night. I replay
the last few months in my head, every single moment, especially the ones where
I had the chance to do something different. But it doesn’t matter anyway; I
keep making the same choices and oddly enough I am happy with that. I know I’ve
done this terrible thing to Luke, but a part of me, too big a part actually,
feels relieved. Like I’ve somehow dodged a bullet. Maybe
this
is my
chance, right now, to have something that’s real. Maybe this is my chance to be
who I’ve always denied.

I lie there, staring at the ceiling, thinking
about everything, until the sun starts to peek round the edge of the floral
curtains and streak across the checked bedspread. I lie there, as Nadine
potters around the kitchen, has a shower and watches the news. I lie there,
until she is standing over me with a steaming mug in her hand.

‘Get up. Time for work.’

I nod, and smile, and drag myself around the
house, getting dressed, and gathering up my notes. I was supposed to mark a pile
of assignments over the weekend, but they are still in my work bag, untouched.
I pull on my woollen coat and beanie and follow Nadine out to her car.

‘So Paul will be here later?’ she asks as she’s
unlocking her door.

‘Yes. Is that OK?’

She snorts. ‘I’m not your mother, Abby!’

‘But it’s your house.’

She just shrugs and hops in the car. ‘See you
tonight.’

I watch her pull away and part of me considers
running back inside the house, but then I realise – there is nothing left to
breakdown over. I am unburdened. For now.  

When I arrive, the school is bustling as normal.
Dozens of students are huddled under the awning near the canteen. Some are
warming their hands by rubbing them together and then blowing into them, while
others down plastic cups of coffee. Even now, after weeks of him not being
here, I still search the crowd for Paul’s floppy hair.

Todd spots me, and calls out, as I’m nearing the
staff room. He’s looking fairly usual today as well – grey tracksuit with a
bulky army jacket to ward off the cold. As he nears me I force a smile.

‘What’s up?’ he asks, as we hug.

I look at him and I just know I’m going to spill
everything. It’s as though I need to say it aloud, one final time, so it
cements it once and for all; this decision I’ve made.

‘I need to talk to you for a minute,’ I say.

He nods and I glance around. This would be
better done in private but I can’t seem to hold it in. I open my mouth and the
truth pours out instantly.

‘I’ve been having an affair with Paul and last
night Luke found out.’

A multitude of emotions runs across Todd’s face,
one after the other. I spot disbelief, and anger, pity, and then the worst of
all – disgust.

***

Nadine is pretty cool, I’ll give her that. She
even lets me stay, when I finally manage to get there on Friday night. The
Chief had me locked down since the weekend. He wasn’t too impressed when he saw
my face on Monday morning. I look worse than when McFadden had his go; my whole
face is one giant bruise, from my eyes to my jaw. The Chief reckoned he was keeping
me in for my own safety and I don’t know. After the stunt he pulled in front of
McFadden the other night, I kind of want to believe it might actually be true.
Maybe The Chief is going soft himself.

Either way, I don’t like leaving Abby high and
dry. So after four nights in, I bail on the ‘for your own safety’ deal and head
over to be with her. At least the last few days have given my face time to heal
somewhat, so I don’t look like a dog’s arse when she answers the door and falls
into my arms.

I make small talk with Nadine, who seems to be
squaring me up for a fight; one that never comes. The whole time Abby stands
beside me, staring at my floppy hair.

‘Todd hates me,’ she says, once we’re finally alone.

We’re in her bedroom, away down the hall from
the lounge, and the whole place smells like honeycomb. That scent is Abby all
over and it brings up picture after picture in my mind, of all the moments I’ve
spent with her.

‘He wouldn’t listen,’ she continues. ‘Wouldn’t
let me explain. He’s disgusted with me, Paul. Really disgusted. I saw it in his
face.’

‘But he didn’t actually say that, right? I mean,
maybe just give him some time…I don’t know…’

‘No,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘He’s really
angry. The only reason he hasn’t told the school is because you’re not a
student at Whateley anymore.’

‘Doesn’t he know we started before I left?’

She looks at me, sheepishly. ‘No.’

I nod. ‘OK.’

Abby is sitting on the bed, the checked doona
pulled almost to her chin, her hair back into a messy ponytail. She looks
tired. I watch her as she talks - the way her face twitches with expression -
and I realise that despite her sadness, and anxiety, I’m pretty happy right
now. I can’t help it; we’re here, alone, and no one is coming to interrupt us.

‘What are you smiling at?’ she asks, coyly.

‘I’m happy. Being here, with you.’

She smiles too and holds out her arms to me. I
settle in beside her, letting her head rest against my chest. She sighs a few
times into my T-shirt. Some soppy, girly music tings out of the small clock
radio on the bedside table and the whole room is way too floral for my tastes,
but I don’t complain. I run my fingertips up and down her arm as we talk.

‘What do we do now?’ she asks.

‘I’m not sure. Will you stay here with Nadine?’

‘I guess so.’

‘Then we’ll have time alone here and maybe I can
find a flat nearby. Less than two weeks ‘til my birthday.’

She lifts her head. ‘Paul, you’re not still
thinking of staying in Jungilla.’

‘
Abby
…’

‘No, listen. I’ve thought about this. It’s all
I’ve thought about. I can’t let you stay. Not now. Not because of me.
Everything is so messed up. I think it would be better if you left and…’

‘What are you saying? You
want
me to
leave?’

‘Of course I don’t, but you have plans. You
should see them through.’

‘What plans? It’s all head-in-the-clouds type
stuff. Can you actually see me going to Europe?’

‘Yes.’

I groan and shift my weight under the doona.

‘It was the best thing I did,’ she says. ‘I
loved it so much. You will too.’

‘You should come with me,’ I say, sparking up.

‘What?
No
.’

‘Why not? Think about it. You and me, travelling
round Europe, free to do what we want.’

She shakes her head, pulls the doona aside and
slips out of bed. I don’t say anything while she paces the room, staring at the
ceiling.

‘It’s only been a few days, Paul. Luke and I…’

‘Luke and you what? You’re not going to stay
with him? You left him, right?’ She keeps pacing, without looking at me.
‘Right, Abby?’

‘Yes, I left him,’ she says. ‘And that was
something I had to do for myself, Paul. Don’t you get it? You need to leave
Jungilla for you. It’s what you want.’

‘If things are over with Luke then we can be…you
and I…’

‘You and I, nothing, Paul.’

She stops moving and we stare each other down.
My heart is beating hard and I know I’ve got a sweat line forming near my
eyebrows. It feels like a dream, a bloody awful one; all this stuff she’s
saying.

‘What do you mean…
nothing
?’

‘We had this great moment in time, but maybe
that’s all it was.’

‘
What
? I don’t get this,’ I say, furious.
‘You’re acting really weird.’

‘Look, I’m trying to make sense of everything.
My life is changing.’

‘I thought that’s what you wanted.’

‘I did. I do,’ she says, nodding.

‘Then what’s the problem?’

She sighs. ‘I’m just not sure if we should carry
this on.’

‘Oh? So now that you’ve dumped your husband you
don’t need me, right?’

I’m fired up now. I chuck the sheets off me and
jam my feet in my shoes.

She reaches her hands out. ‘Paul, that’s not it.
You
helped
me. I got my courage back and I chose what’s right for me.
That’s why you should do the same.’

I throw my arms up. ‘Maybe being with you
is
right for me.’

We stare each other down again, until she shakes
her head and climbs back onto the bed.

‘I don’t want to fight. I’m tired,’ she says.
‘I’m just really tired.’

I watch her snuggle into the pillow and close
her eyes. I stand there, not knowing whether to leave or stay. I’m angry enough
to leave and yet, like always with her, I’m compelled to stick around. I watch
her chest rising and listen to her gentle moaning as she falls asleep. In my mind,
I replay what just happened and still it makes no sense to me. She acts like
she wants me, but then she tells me to go, to leave her. She’s all over the
place and I don’t know what to do about it.