Run to Me (21 page)

‘This is my final year. You want me to graduate,
don’t you?’

‘Don’t pull that shit with me. You’ll help at the
site and maintain your marks, or you’ll have me to deal with.’

‘I can’t do Tuesdays and Thursdays.’

‘I know when running finishes and if you’re not
in the door by five-fifteen that’ll be time added to your sentence. And you
know I’ll be here, waiting.’

Like I could forget.

He waves his arm to dismiss me, like I’m a
naughty child. I stomp loudly up the stairs and slam the bathroom door. If he’s
going to treat me like one, then I’ll act like a child. Not the most mature
reaction, I know, but man he gets me riled up. And he enjoys it too, that’s
what really pisses me off. I know Abby said I’m not to blame, but if he gets so
much pleasure out of tormenting me then it must be something I’m doing, right?
Or is that the opposite? Maybe he’s just so twisted that it doesn’t matter what
I do. I can’t ever win.

I’m not going to that building site every second
day, I can tell you that. No bloody way. How’s he going to check up on me from
his spot on the couch anyway? I can get Mike to cover for me, I’m sure of it. No
way I’m spending my afternoons there. I’ve got a whole lot of other ideas for
the coming weeks, and they all involve me being horizontal, or on my knees,
with Abby.

She pretty much chucked me out earlier, but I
don’t think that’s the end of it. There’s no way I’m giving up the chase, I
know that much. She might try to play the sensible card, try to call a halt to
things, but I know she doesn’t mean it. At least I hope she doesn’t.

After my shower I call Matt. He goes off at me
practically straight away.

‘Where have you been? Your mum called here last
night looking for you. I said you were taking a shower.’

‘Thanks dude. I owe you one.’

‘So where were you? I thought maybe McFadden got
hold of you or something.’

I laugh. Even with the constant reminder on my
face, the McFadden fight seems like ages ago. I suppose a lot has happened
since then.

‘I was with Abby.’

‘Serious?’

‘Yep. Went round there after the fight. Just got
back now.’

‘You stayed there? What about her husband?’

‘Away on business.’

‘How convenient.’

‘I thought so. I wasn’t going to pass up that
opportunity.’

There is silence on the other end. Finally Matt
coughs and says ‘So how was it?’

‘Bloody spectacular. You thought she was hot
with her clothes on...’

‘Yeah?’

‘Unbelievable. She’s got an arse that won’t
quit, and the tits...ohh baby.’

We both laugh.

‘So what are you going to do now?’ asks Matt.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well you’ve scored there so is that it? Is it
over now?’

‘No way. I’m definitely going back for seconds.
Or in this case fourths.’

‘You did it three times? In one night?’

‘Twice. Then another time today.’

‘Jesus. So she must be as horny as you, huh?’

‘I reckon. She said sex with her husband is
nice
.’

‘And I bet you tried to outdo him.’

‘Of course.’

‘So that’s the reason you reckon?’

‘Reason for what?’

‘Her reason for hooking up with you. She needed
a good lay.’

For a moment I feel like someone has stuck a
jackhammer in my gut. If that was her reason, did I deliver? I’m still not
convinced I gave her my best work.

‘Yeah maybe.’

Matt picks up on my tone. ‘You OK mate?’

‘Sure. I just want to see her again, you know?
It can’t end there.’

‘But what about her husband? Does she really
want a full on affair or what? And what happens if the school catches you?’

Ever the practical Matt, shitting on my parade.

‘Well you’re not going to tell them, so how
would they?’ I say.

‘You’ll just have to be careful.’

‘Yeah I got it. I’ll need your help though. I’m
going to need some serious cover over the next few weeks. Especially with me
meant to be at the site as well.’

‘Really?’

‘Ohh yeah, I haven’t told you yet. So cop a load
of this.’

***

Spending Sunday alone, waiting for Luke to get
back, probably wasn’t one of my brightest ideas. By nightfall I’d worked myself
into a frenzy, worrying that he’d be able to suspect something just by looking
at me. When he did get home, after nine thirty, I was in bed pretending to
sleep. I’d put my sleep mask on, and a wet towel on my forehead, in the hope of
convincing him I had a migraine.

He banged around in the kitchen for ten minutes,
opening and closing the fridge, washing his hands in the sink and calling my
name. After a while I heard him tiptoe into our room. He sighed when he saw me
and muttered something under his breath. I lay still and he left, closing the
door gently behind him.

When I woke this morning he was already gone. I
have no recollection of him even sleeping next to me. I am actually relieved
that I don’t have to deal with him for another day. I don’t know what I’m going
to say to him but I know I can’t live a lie. That much was evidenced by my
desire to avoid him altogether last night.

But I should have known Luke wouldn’t let
sleeping dogs lie. There is a note for me stuck to the kettle, where he knows I
won’t miss it. It reads simply ‘call me when you get up. We need to talk.’ No
signature, no declaration of love. I look over at the section of bench where
I’d made my first indiscretion and my stomach flips. I am excited about seeing
Paul today, and scared about making this call to my own husband. Who have I
become?   

 I dial the number before I’ve had a chance to
chicken out and Luke answers on the second ring.

‘How was your weekend?’ I ask him.

‘Busy. And there’s even more for me to do now
that I’m back in the office. How about you? What did you get up to?’

I decide to avoid the question and just get down
to what he really wants to talk about.

‘Listen, I’m sorry about Thursday night. I’m not
sure what happened. It was just a crazy day at work and I’d drunk a lot. Plus
it was probably just hormonal. I got my period yesterday.’

This is an outright lie, but it slips out
easily. And I know why I’ve said it; to buy myself some time. Luke won’t come
near me when I’ve got my period, so I know I’ve got a week without the hassle
of him trying it on. That should give me enough time to sort out this whole
Paul situation.

‘Right,’ he says, and his tone seems a bit
curious. Maybe he doesn’t believe me.

‘Look, I’ve got a busy week. And so do you.
Let’s have dinner, just the two of us, on Saturday. It’ll be date night, like
we used to do.’

He is silent and I know I’ve thrown him.
Reminding him of date night has brought home just how different our
relationship is from where we started out seven years ago. Luke is no fool, he
knows that trying to reclaim the past is a waste of energy, but he must decide
to humour me now because he says ‘Sure, sounds good.’

‘Have a nice day,’ I say.

‘You too. Bye.’

After I hang up the phone I realise I’ve been
gripping the cord so tightly that my nails have dug into the skin on my hand.
There are red half-moon divots all over my palm. I didn’t even feel myself
doing it. The skin is burning now. I turn the cold water on in the kitchen sink
and let it cascade over my hand.

I know I can avoid Luke until Saturday. That is
what our working weeks have become. He gets home late and we hardly ever eat
together. If it wasn’t for the odd occasion of sexual play, you could call us
flatmates instead of husband and wife. All right, maybe it’s not that bad but
sometimes it does feel like we’re two people who barely know each other. Or
maybe that’s what I’m trying to convince myself. It would make what I’ve done
with Paul a lot easier to explain. But I don’t think I can explain it. I fell
for him and I acted on it. The fact that I already belong to another was pretty
much an afterthought. If I’m completely honest, I didn’t care that I’m married.
I wanted to go for this anyway, and that truth scares the hell out of me. It’s
like Nadine said; am I really going to throw away my marriage for a bit of sex?
But what if, just what if, this thing with Paul is more than that?

I speed through getting dressed and driving to
work. I know I’ve just got to see him now, one way or another. As I pull up to
the school I shut off the radio and air conditioning so the only noise inside
the car is the sound of my own breathing. It’s coming in laboured and short, as
though I’m halfway through a run. When my breathing sounds like this I’m
normally at that point where I’m starting to will myself to keep going, to just
put one foot in front of the other and not to let myself stop. It is at this
moment where the critical decision must be made, am I going to pull up and
surrender to the pain, or do I have the guts to push on and see where the road
will take me.

I focus on my breathing, trying to steady it as
I manoeuvre my car up the long driveway, past the oval where I often run beside
him, and over to the staff car park. When I break to pull into an empty space I
see a movement off to my right. Someone has been standing behind one of the gum
trees, waiting. I turn my head and our eyes meet. The trembles are on me in an
instant, spreading out from my stomach to my fingertips. He smiles and starts
moving towards me in a kind of mock swagger that you might see in one of those
old Westerns. I snort with laughter and in that moment I know. This thing with
Paul, whatever it is, is far from over.

Seventeen

I don’t even know how I manage to do it but Abby
and I get it on almost every day in the two weeks after that first time. She
doesn’t even try to deny me which is a surprise, but I just figure hey I must
be doing something right.

A week before the race she picks me up round the
corner from the site, where Mum has just dropped me off. Mike’s been covering
for me most days, but I reckon The Chief must be a little suspicious given the
fact he now makes Mum collect me from school and take me directly to the site.
I wait long enough for her to drive away and then I hook it out of there. I
don’t even care what The Chief will do if he catches me. All I’ve got on my
mind now is Abby and the next time we’re together. She’s in my mind now even
more than before we hooked up, if that’s even possible.

‘So how was work honey?’ she asks me with a
giant smile when I fall into her passenger seat.

‘Ahh, it’s a tough life but somebody’s got to do
it.’

We laugh, and smile at each other, and then we
drive off. I wait until we are on the outskirts of town before I lean over and
kiss her cheek. She squeezes my thigh and accelerates so we can get there
faster. Reggie unknowingly put us onto the spot, just out of town, where his
family used to picnic over the summer. He was raving about it one day so I road
my bike out to check. It’s perfect for us because we can park the car behind
some trees just beyond the only entrance and that way we can always see if
someone is coming. We’ve been here half a dozen times and never clocked another
person.

I’m raring to go by the time we get there. She’s
got her shortest skirt on and I’ve had my hand up there for the last ten
minutes. When she pulls up we both duck into the back seat and she’s sitting on
me before I even get my trousers down past my knees. I don’t last long today
but she doesn’t seem to care. She bounces up and down on me, and I play with
her, until she screams out. She’s always loud when we’re out here because we
don’t have to worry about neighbours or anyone walking past the gym locker
room.

Afterwards I’m desperate for a smoke, but I’ve
already promised her I’ll quit because she hates it so much. Instead I eat a
Snickers I had left over from lunch and she tells me a story about when she was
fifteen.

‘I didn’t know what I was doing. It was the most
scary experience. I think I just lay there and let it happen.’

‘So what was the lucky guy’s name?’

‘Henry. I knew him from primary school but I
hadn’t seen him in years. All of a sudden he was at my house all the time,
trying to put his hand down my pants. So one day I let him.’

I laugh. ‘How romantic.’

‘Well what about you?’

‘Amanda seduced me. I was just along for the
ride.’

‘Nicely put.’

‘So what happened to old Henry?’

She shrugs. ‘He broke my heart. Like all of my
high school boyfriends. We did it a few times, which were all awful for me, and
then he dumped me. It took me a year to get over it.’

She pouts, pretending to be really cut up about
it, but then she smiles. I lean over and kiss her.

‘Mmm chocolatety,’ she says, licking her lips.
‘And what about you and Amanda?’

‘What about it?’

‘Well she cheated on you, that must have hurt.’

‘Not as much as the roundhouse I copped to the
gut when McFadden came after me.’

‘But she chose someone else over you. What did
that feel like?’

I cross my arms and stare out the window. ‘I
don’t know.’

She doesn’t take the hint.

‘Did you feel betrayed? Angry? Sad?’

I look back at her and shake my head.

‘Indifferent?’ she asks.

‘I felt whatever I felt. I don’t know. It
sucked, OK? Why do you want to know anyway?’

‘I just wanted to know what it feels like to be
on that side.’

She stares at me and I see the anxiety in her
eyes. She starts crying, and looks away, wiping her nose.

‘This is about him, right?’

She nods. ‘I’m sorry, Paul. It’s just...this is
my marriage and I don’t know what I’m doing with you.’

‘We’re hanging out. We’re having spectacular
sex.’

She turns to me and sniffs loudly. ‘Is that
all?’

I sit in silence because I don’t know what to
say.

‘I’m enjoying this so much, and maybe this is
premature, and maybe you’re going to run screaming for the hills when I say it
but...doesn’t this feel like more than just sex?’

I look at her for a long time, trying to get the
words out. Of course this is more than sex to me. I’m crazy about her. But when
I try to tell her I just freeze up.

She buries her head in her hands. ‘Oh, God.
You’re only seventeen, you don’t want this kind of...’

‘I’m not a kid,’ I interrupt.

She looks up at me. ‘I know you’re not. I just
realised that you don’t want to have this conversation. It’s too serious. It’s
too...adult.’

‘So you’re saying I’m not adult enough now?’

‘No that’s not what I said. I just meant we
should drop it for now. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company. I’m just being a
woman, wanting to have the big relationship chat, but this isn’t a conventional
relationship anyway so...’

‘Well it could be.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ll be eighteen soon and I won’t always be
your student...’

She takes a moment to process this. She stares
at me, and frowns.

‘What are you suggesting? That I leave Luke?’

I shrug. Of course that’s what I meant. But I
don’t say that to her.

‘Maybe.’

‘You’d actually want to be with me? A woman
twice your age?’

‘I’m with you now aren’t I?’

‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘I know.’

She sighs. ‘Look, Paul. I really like you. You
know how you make me feel. But leaving my marriage is a big decision. One I
can’t make in the soiled backseat of my car.’

‘Sure. I get it.’

‘I know I brought this up, and I shouldn’t have.
Let’s just leave it all now OK?’

I nod.

‘Besides,’ she begins, leaning over to take hold
of me. ‘I want you once more before I have to get you home.’

I smile and let her go down on me and then we
lie down. I have to open one car door to let our feet dangle out, and place my
hand on the top of her head to stop it banging against the other door. This
time we take it slow. She caresses my back gently as I thrust and all the while
I keep my eyes locked on hers. I watch her letting go. I feel it building up
for us both until she arches her back, moaning, and we come. Together.

***

On the morning of the ten kilometre run, Luke
wakes me up by pushing his erection against my hip. We haven’t been together
like this at all over the past few weeks because any time he tried it on I
pulled away. As much as I want to make love to my husband, to dissolve away his
suspicions if nothing else, his touch leaves me dead. I know it is my body’s
reaction to my betrayal but no matter what I do I can’t get Paul out of my
mind, and this makes things with Luke unbelievably inappropriate.

Still, I know Luke has needs and I am his wife
after all. It’s not his fault I’m getting my satisfaction elsewhere. And if I
don’t want him to know the truth I have to commit to performing my wifely
duties. It sounds like a prison sentence, but if it is, it’s one of my own
making.

‘Morning,’ he says, kissing my neck.

‘Hi.’

I wrap my fingers around his head and pull him
to me so he knows I’m not going to deny him again.

‘Mmm,’ he murmurs and then he wastes no time. He
doesn’t bother with foreplay, not after having waited for weeks. I spread my
legs and grip his back for support.

Afterwards, he rolls off me and drapes his arm
over my stomach. He is panting, and looking pretty happy with himself.

‘It’s been a while,’ he says.

‘I know.’

‘You’ve seemed kind of preoccupied lately.’

‘I’m surprised you noticed.’

He removes his arm. ‘What is that supposed to
mean?’

‘I don’t know. You’re always so busy. We hardly
spend any time together anymore. Do you think that’s normal?’

‘We had that date night a couple of weeks ago.’

I roll my eyes. ‘Every night should be date
night otherwise what’s the point of being married?’

‘You can’t be serious? This is life Abby. Not
some Mills and Boon novel.’

‘Don’t patronize me.’

‘That wasn’t my intention and you know it. I
just meant it can’t always be like it was when we were first together. I’ve got
responsibilities at work, so do you, we make time for each other when we can.’

‘You make it sound like a chore. And why are you
busting your gut at work anyhow? It’s not like you’ve got a family to support.’

He sighs and throws his hands up in the air.
‘Trust you to bring up that. Why can’t you just let that go? It isn’t meant to
be. So drop it.’

I sit up and the tears start to flood my eyes.
‘That just shows how far away from knowing me you’ve become. I can’t just drop
it. I want children. I thought you wanted that too.’

He sighs again. ‘I did. But it can’t happen for
us so what’s the point of letting it eat away at you?’

I wipe my tears away. ‘You won’t even discuss
other options.’

He shakes his head. ‘No. I won’t. So just drop
it.’

I am ready to slap him I am so angry. I can feel
a confession rising from the depths of me and I will it to go away.

‘I don’t know why I bother with you’ is what
comes out.

‘I don’t know either. You’re obviously so
discontent with me. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. And you say I’m the one
who is too busy for
you
.’

I sit in silence so I won’t confess everything. He
pulls himself up next to me and stares for a long time, as if trying to read
me. I pray that I don’t look guilty, but I don’t glance away. Instead I stare
right back. It’s a stalemate and we both know it.

He shakes his head and then groans loudly. ‘Are
you ready for your race?’ he asks stubbornly.

I nod and slide out of bed. I take my time
getting ready while he reads the paper in the kitchen. I wish I could ask him
not to come but he’d definitely suspect something then. I’ve always expected
him to support me at my races so I can’t backtrack on that now.  

On the drive into town we don’t even talk. He
sings along to the radio under his breath and I stare out the window. The sun
is just now peeking out from the clouds and it looks like by the time the race
starts we might have a clear blue sky. I sift through my bag to check I’ve
packed my sunglasses. Deep in the bottom my hand brushes against the piece of
shale Paul gave me last night. He’d found it out by our secluded spot, and it
reminded him of when he used to collect rocks as a kid. His father had hopes of
him becoming an archaeologist but in Paul’s words he’d ‘let him down again.’

I run my fingers over the shale’s smooth surface
and think about Paul. He’d surprised me last week, again, when he brought up
the idea of us actually being together. As much as I daydream of our future,
usually in the post-sex lull when my mind is not at its clearest, I never
considered Paul did the same. He’s only seventeen after all, why would he
choose to be with me?

Luke clears his throat and I am brought back
into the car with a thump. I chide myself for thinking about Paul with my
husband sitting beside me. My husband who is so kindly driving me to my race,
and who will stand by the finish line to cheer me home at the end. Luke. The
man I married. The man I pledged to love until death parts us. And here we are,
both still breathing.

He pulls up into the parking lot opposite the
starting line. People are milling around, some spectators, some runners. The
start is signified by a simple yellow flag tied to a street lamp. A makeshift
booth has been erected on the footpath beside it. Two women, one wearing a
bright orange reflector vest, tick names off a sheet of paper and hand entrants
their race number. Standing by the booth, in his black shorts and faded red T-shirt,
is Paul. He smiles at me.

As I move to get out of the car Luke reaches
over and places his hand on my leg.

‘Abby,’ he says.

I look at him. His face has softened from
earlier this morning.

He squeezes my leg, and he smiles. ‘You’ll do
great. Good luck OK. I’ll see you at the finish line.’

I nod. ‘Thanks. OK.’

Again I go to get out but this time he grabs my
hand. In one smooth movement he pulls me to him and, cupping my face with his
free hand, kisses me.