Saying Goodbye (36 page)

Mark stood outside in the dark
cold
night and said, “You do not help matters. You understand? Inflaming the wounds? You think Steven, Jack, Adam, and
I
have not suffered enough?”

Jeff embraced Mark. “Anything that hurts you we feel.”

“I know, love. I know.” Mark
kissed his cheek and
stepp
ed
back
. “But if we do not return to some kind of normalcy here…” Mark looked back at the house, “There will end up being a lot of goodbye
s
.”

“To us?” Mickey pressed his hand to his chest.

“If you torment Steven? If you badger Billy?” Mark wiped at his eyes roughly. “How do you think I shall need to react?”

Jeff and Mickey exchanged looks, and seemed to allow their fury to deflate.

Mickey ran his hand over Mark’s hair. “For you. Only for you.”

“Then that is all I can ask.” Mark caressed both their cheeks.

The two big cops went into a bear hug with Mark in the middle.
Seeing
these tough top men hold back their emotions touched Mark to the core. “I love you. I would do anything for you.” Mark kissed them both.

“Same here.” Jeff’s eyes overflowed.

“We breathed air into your lungs to keep you alive. You think we’re going to do anything to fuck you up now?” Mickey asked.

“Then
…
let it go. I am begging you.”

Jeff nodded, reluctantly in Mark’s opinion. He tapped Mickey. “Let’s go, Stanton.”

Mickey walked with Jeff to the patrol car.

“Watch over each other,” Mark shouted to them.
Mark waited until they left. They rotated the overhead lights for Mark and then vanished down the dark street.

Mark looked back at the house and sighed.

~

Jack wasn’t hungry but he ate.

Steve sat adjacent to him, sipping a beer. They were both quiet, listening for Mark.

“Adam will come around.” Steve leaned his elbow on the table. “He loves you. A lot.”

Jack wasn’t so sure. He put his fork down and picked up his beer. “Do you have anything stronger?”

“Of course. Name it.”

“I don’t care. Just bring a bottle.”

Steve left the table and returned with tequila and a shot glass. “No limes.”

Jack shrugged and poured the booze to the rim. He tossed it down and then drank a gulp of beer.

Steve whispered, “Mark will make it right. I know he spoke to Adam while we were at the stable.”

“Mark.” Jack wiped his mouth and poured another shot. “After all Mark has done for me, I betrayed him.”

“Jack. Don’t even keep that kind of attitude now. If we don’t draw a line behind us, we’re all sunk. This friendship, our love,
we
may as well say goodbye.”

They both shut up when they heard the front door close.

Jack held the second shot, staring at the doorway for a sight of his man. Mark Antonious. The love of his life all through college.

Mark appeared, looking so downtrodden Jack was in agony. He drank the second tequila shot and felt his eyes burn with tears. “Mark.”

Instantly
,
Mark approached him, standing beside Jack, and hugging Jack close. Jack wrapped his arms around Mark’s waist and pressed his face into Mark’s stomach. He could hear Steve sniffle and breathe deeply in emotion.

Jack wiped his tears on Mark’s shirt. “My baby. I love you. I love you.”

Mark kissed the top of Jack’s hair.

Jack began to weep and squeezed Mark so tight he could feel how thin he was, his hips, his tiny waist.
“Forgive me. Please. I was so jealous of you and Billy. Of what happened with Randy. I lashed out.”

“Jackie-blue.” Mark caressed his hair.

Steve choked in a sob and Jack heard his chair move and could see him leave the room.

Jack urged Mark to his lap. He brushed Mark’s hair behind his ear as hot tears ran down Jack’s cheek. “How could you look me in the eyes? How could you not despise me?”

“I see myself in your blue eyes. Shall I reflect hatred or compassion and love?”

“Oh God.” Jack wept, gripped to Mark. “How could I do that to you?”

“To me? Or to Adam?”

“I have betrayed all of you, including Alex. I knew Alex was vulnerable. I knew everything I did.” Jack used the napkin to wipe his eyes and nose. “And Steve was right. When he backed out, shook his head and tried to stop it
…
I urged it on.”

Mark said nothing, but caressed Jack’s hair gently.

“We…” Jack hid in Mark’s shirt. “You and I have such a long history together, Mark.”

“Decades. You were the rock I clung to when my father murdered my self esteem.”

Jack closed his eyes and more tears fell. “While you were missing, I kept
telling myself
you just
needed
time
, t
ime to work through your emotions. I never thought you’d try to kill yourself. Not a third time.”

“And they say three time
s
is the charm.”

Jack looked up.

Mark had a sad smile on his face.

“Don’t leave us. You see how we self-destruct. Steve would blow his brains out, Alex would need to be in a rubber room, and me? I’d walk into the ocean and never come back.”

“Rubbish.” Mark was obviously trying to make light of it.

“And…” Jack wiped at his eyes. “Without you, I will lose Adam.”

Mark took a moment, looking beyond where Jack sat, maybe out of the sliding glass doors to the lights beyond the darkness. “That is where I am lost, Jack.” Mark still did not meet his eyes. “Why was Adam, our beloved Adam, not in your thoughts?”

Jack rested his cheek on Mark’s chest. “He wants to know the same thing.”

“Do you not love him?”

“I love him so much, I will never date another man if he leaves me.”

“Then
why?”

“Pride? Jealousy? Ego? I kept thinking, how could Billy have had you both? Why Billy? That stupid heavy-handed LAPD pig.”

“Oy! Don’t you
talk about my captain that way.
”

Jack exhaled. “Sorry. But this thing with Alex. This fucking crazy attraction that hit the minute he entered our lives
…
I blew it up into my head like some kind of fantasy. All of the years I missed of you in your twenties, I pretended it was all about you.”

Mark made Jack look into his eyes. “Is that the truth?”

“Yes.” Jack
gazed into the green color of Mark’s irises, thought he was by far the most beautiful man he had ever seen, so much more than his son. “I loved you. I worshipped you. All through our youth.”

Mark appeared to take in the comments, but said nothing.

“Then
…
then you got engaged to Sharon.” Jack licked his lips and then picked up his beer to quench his thirst. “I figured you’d grow tired of her within a year. I knew you were marrying her to keep your parents off your back. I
then thought
you would come to me.”

Mark closed his eyes.

“Then you met the fucking ex-cop!” Jack lowered his voice and looked for Steve, but did not see him. “I died inside. Died.”

Mark turned his head away and made a move to get off of Jack’s lap.

Jack stopped him. “Then Adam Lewis came to my office for help.”

Mark opened his eyes again, gazing at Jack.

“Maybe he was the one man who could get me past the pain you caused me.”

“Oh, God,” Mark sobbed and covered his face.

“I don’t say these things to upset you. I need you to know why this
whole chain of events happened.
”

“I do know
.
” Mark choked on a sob. “Me!
My
neglecting you.
My
not allowing you to have me when we lived together, seeing your face as Steven took me out of the country club on my wedding day
to Sharon
. I knew it all.”

“But
…
I managed to get it beyond me. Or I thought I had. Adam is so amazing. You know him. Have you ever met a more incredible guy
,
ever?”

Mark shook his head. “I adore him like a husband.”

Jack choked in emotion. “I can’t lose him. I swear, it will kill me.”

“And you and Adam tried to speak?”

“He’s too angry. He keeps saying he needs time.”

Mark nodded. He stood off Jack’s lap and began clearing the table, as if he needed time to digest the conversation. Jack poured another shot, holding it as Mark put dishes into the washer.

Steve appeared. “Mark, I can do that.”

Jack avoided Steve’s gaze, assuming Steve had positioned himself in a hidden spot and could hear every word.

As Steve and Mark cleared the kitchen table, Jack stared into space, the tequila in his hand, the beer beside him.

Once Mark was done, he sat down beside Jack. “Let me see what I can do. Okay? I am pretty persuasive when I need to be.”

Steve sneered, “I.E, Randy Dawson.”

Jack said, “I don’t care if Mark fucks Adam. He has done, many times.” Jack drank the third shot. “Let me take my bag to my room.”

“Our room.” Mark stood.

Jack checked from Mark to Steve. “You sure?”

“Am I sure?” Mark asked.

Jack rushed Mark and picked him up off his feet, hugging him. “I don’t deserve you. I never have.”

“Oy! He-man! Put me down, you brute.”

Jack set Mark down on his feet, and cupped his face. “I love you so much, Mark.”

Mark poked Jack’s broad chest. “But you love Mr Lewis more.”

Jack nodded. “I do.”

Adam sat on his bed, wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, working. The house was quiet except for soft music he had playing to keep him company. He glanced over at Jack’s side of the bed and then went back to typing to his clients.

A knock
on
his front door
interrupted his typing
. Adam tilted his head curiously and looked at the time. It was nearing ten. He put the laptop aside and climbed off the bed, wondering if it was Jack.

He looked out of the spy hole first,
and
then quickly unlocked the door. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“
Don’t give me lip,
Mr
Lewis.” Mark pushed Adam inside and closed the door behind him. “It’s bloody cold. That ocean wind. Brrr.” Mark rubbed his hands together.

“You, mister, should be resting.”

“Ha!
I’m
doing a photo shoot this weekend. Are you having a laugh?” Mark stepped into the living room.

“Jesus Christ. Slow the fuck down.”

“I tried to. You and those LAPD morons ruined my plan.”

Adam grabbed at Mark’s jacket. “I know why you’re here. You going to take this off?”

Mark removed his leather jacket. “What were you up to? Late night TV?” Mark walked down the terracotta tiled hall towards the music.

“No. Working.” Adam tossed Mark’s jacket on a chair in the living room and followed him.

“And you asked me to slow down?” Mark waggled his eyebrow at him.

“I didn’t swallow a vial full of valium.” Adam shut off the music.

Mark looked around the room after sitting on the bed. “I have
not
stayed here in ages.”

“We usually hit your place.” Adam set his laptop on the dresser and sat beside Mark.

“Yes. I don’t know why. If I had the sound of the ocean tide at my window, I’d probably sleep without pills.”

“Have you tried those sound effect machines?”

“Sadly, yes. They are horrid. Nothing like the real thing.”

“I’d open the windows, but its freezing out there.”

“Adam. I didn’t come to talk about
the
weather or the sea.”

“So? Jack begged you to come here? Is he at your place like you said?”

“Yes, he is staying with us, and no, he did not beg.”

Adam folded his arms. “Fuck him.”

Mark narrowed his eyes. “Truly? Is that what you want me to tell him when I return home?”

Adam rubbed his face in exhaustion. “What do you want me to do? Huh? Pretend I am not number
four
in his pecking order?”

“What the bloody hell does that mean?”

Adam used his fingers to count
:
“You, number one
;
his work, number two
;
and Alexander
number three.
”

Mark craned his finger and then patted the bed beside him.

Adam plopped down and slouched in weariness. “Look. Him loving you more than me, I get.”

Mark made a buzzing noise in his throat. “Wrong! Next comment?”

Adam gave Mark a look of disbelief. “Sure. Whatever.”

“He ‘used’ to love me. Lots. In college. Not now. Of course he ‘loves’ me,” Mark used air quotes. “He loves Steve, he loves
his parents…”

“Alexander.”

Mark pointed at Adam in warning. “He never loved Alexander the way he loves you. Never. Alex was a sexual fantasy for both Steve and him.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“And talk about work hitting the number one position?” Mark gestured to the open laptop. “When do you not have to babysit the celebrity brats? Hm? You know as well as I do, you work more than Jack does.”

Adam glanced at his laptop, knowing he was permanently attached to his cell phone. “Okay. Guilty on that.”

“Want to know what He-man confided in me?” Mark caressed Adam’s cheek.

“No.”

“He told me if you leave him, he will never date again.”

“Sure.”

“How long have I known our Jackie-blue, Adam?”

Adam thought about it. “Since you were twenty.”

“How badly do you think I hurt my Jackie when Steve crashed Sharon and my wedding and I left with him, moved out of Jack’s home?”

“I know. I met Jack shortly after. Remember? He was still not ready to even speak to you.”

“Indeed.”

Adam flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“How did Jack and I mend fences?” Mark leaned beside Adam, tickling Adam’s neck affectionately.

“You fucked.”

“Oh, no, lovely. Not for a long while.”

“Mark, I get what you are trying to say…”

“Adam. Jack made love to my son.”

Adam flinched and covered his face.

“If I
can forgive him, why can’t you?
”

“Because it was revenge on you
.
” Adam grew furious and rolled over to face Mark. “What did I do? Huh? Who did I fuck?”
When Mark said nothing, Adam said, “No one. I refused to stop looking for you. I stayed at your bedside when you had those disgusting tubes sticking in your throat, breathing for you
.
”

Mark kept quiet.

“And where was Jack?” Adam sneered in sarcasm, “When you were on your deathbed? Or lying on a horse trail? Where was Larsen
?
”

“That’s it then?” Mark spoke softly. “Nothing I can say will allow you to forgive him? Nothing?”

“
Maarrk
.” Adam closed his eyes and clenched his fists.

“What shall I do? Hm? Alternate days when I can see you, then Jackie? Watch as he withers away into a hermit as he did when I cut his heart from his chest?”

“Don’t pin this on me,
” Adam s
ai
d
,
“He did this!”

“A chain of events hit us. Don’t you understand it? A disastrous chain. Jack
was one link.
I did it! Me! At times I believe you are brilliant, Adam, but now? I think you are avoiding the real scapegoat in these crimes
.
Stop it at once!”

Adam blinked in shock and stared into Mark’s gaze. “How on earth can you take the blame for everyone else’s actions?”

“Because I created this mess
,
” Mark
’s
voice broke as he
replied
. “Don’t you see what I have done to Jackie? Since our youth? Since I married Steven? I have created that angry
,
vengeful monster. This is about what I have done to him. He would never have even considered cheating on you if it weren’t for me
.
”

Adam opened his mouth to reply but had no idea how Mark had managed to take all the blame upon himself.

Mark wiped at his eyes roughly, gaining control. “You’re leaving Jackie. You will not punish him alone. I will be filled with guilt. Again! I have caused misery and pain. How much more pain must I inflict on my loved ones? I cannot deal with it! I cannot!”

Adam rushed to embrace Mark as he disintegrated.

“Why did you look?” Mark
cri
ed in misery. “Why? I was almost there. Almost at peace! I blame you! You and those stupid cops!”

Adam rocked Mark, shocked to the core.

“Why won’t you let me go? Why?” Mark wept. “I need you all to let me bloody go! I can’t deal with this! Now, you and Jackie splitting? No! I refuse!”

Adam
squeezed Mark as tightly as he could. “I’ll talk to Jack. We’ll work this out.”

Mark deflated in Adam’s arms and cried against his shoulder. “I am sick to death of being everyone’s burden
, t
he miserable catalyst in pain and heartache.” Mark moaned
.
“Why didn’t you let me go? Adam, why? I would have had peace. My beloved Piccadilly with me. And no more of this
…
this bollocks. I can’t continue to deal with all the hatred between my loved ones. The spite, the revenge, the anger…”

“Shhh. Baby, baby.” Adam never imagined Mark would turn the split between
him
and Jack inward. And he was smart enough to know, neither would Jack.

Whimpering between his words, Mark cried, “Why didn’t you let me leave? Why?”

“Because.” Adam felt hot tears run down his face. “I’m selfish. We’re all selfish. We can’t live without you. Fuck you, Richfield. Indulge us a little longer, you childish bastard. It’s not you who will suffer, but the rest of us you leave behind.”

Mark reached around Adam’s back and held him, crying against Adam’s T-shirt.

Adam felt Mark’s body wracked with sobs. Finally Mark calmed down. They both did. Adam parted from Mark enough to see his face. “Let’s go talk to Jack.”

“Thank you, Adam. Forgive him. Please. Jackie is special. And his love for you is so strong. You have no idea. He knows now
that
Alex is a mere boy. Nothing compared to you.”

Adam kept wiping at Mark’s cheeks as fresh tears fell. “You are something else, Mark Antonious.”

“Yes. But I still don’t know what that could be.” Mark smiled as he cried.

Adam kissed his lips, tasting both their salty tears on his tongue.