Sean's Reckoning (14 page)

She met Ruby’s worried gaze and forced a smile. “Stop looking at me like that. I know what I’m talking about.”

“You’re deluding yourself,” Ruby insisted, clearly unconvinced. “Stop making assumptions about what Sean does or doesn’t want. Tell him how you really feel. Total honesty is the only way to get what you want.”

Deanna regarded her curiously. “Have you told Hank what
you
want?”

The question clearly flustered Ruby. Bright patches of color burned in her cheeks.

“You haven’t, have you?” Deanna said triumphantly. “You’re pretty good at dishing out advice, but not at following it.”

“Two different situations,” Ruby said tightly.

“Meaning you have no interest whatsoever in pursuing a future with Hank?” Deanna asked skeptically.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well, then? What are you waiting for?”

Ruby’s expression turned thoughtful. “I suppose you and I could make a pact. We could vow to jump off this particular bridge together. That way, if we crash land, we can always console each other. What do you think?”

Deanna studied her with a narrowed gaze as she considered this so-called pact Ruby was proposing. “I tell Sean how I feel, and you tell Hank how you feel, is that the deal?”

“Pretty much.”

If it would give Ruby the shove she needed to be honest with Hank, Deanna was willing to agree to just about anything. “Okay.”

Ruby stared at her with obvious shock. “You’ll do it?”

“If you do,” Deanna said.

“Okay, then. It’s a deal. When?”

“First opportunity. You’re seeing Hank tonight, right?”

Ruby swallowed hard. “I said I’d call him if I was free.”

Deanna grinned at her. “Then make the call.” Her
grin spread. “I guess I won’t bother waiting up for you to get home tonight.”

“You’re being a bit overly optimistic, aren’t you?” Ruby grumbled.

“No way. I’ve seen the way Hank looks at you.”

“That doesn’t mean he wants any more than a quick roll in the hay. He probably wants it a lot, since I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length all these months.”

Deanna regarded her with a pitying look. “Ruby, think about it. If sex were the only thing on Hank’s mind, he could have dumped you weeks ago and moved on to someone more willing. He never had any trouble finding playmates in the past, at least not to hear Sean tell it. He’s stuck around because you fascinate him. You’re unpredictable. You keep him on his toes. Honey, you’re a terrific woman. Any man with half a brain would know he’s lucky to have you in his life.”

Ruby grinned as she stood up and headed out of the kitchen. “Nice pep talk. But if he says yes to going out tonight, I think I’ll put on something outrageously sexy, in case you’re wrong. What about you? When are you seeing Sean?”

Deanna shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

Ruby stopped in her tracks. “Hold it. I’m going out there with my heart on my sleeve, and you’re what? Curling up with a good book?”

“A couple of decorating magazines, actually.”

“I don’t think so,” Ruby protested. She handed the phone to Deanna. “Call Sean right this second. Invite him over. I’ll run downstairs and see if Kevin can spend the night at Timmy’s.”

“Timmy’s out of town,” Deanna said, not even trying to hide her relief at the excuse to put off the prom
ised encounter with Sean. She’d never intended to make good on her end of the deal, anyway.

Ruby frowned at her and came back into the kitchen. She held out her hand. “Give me one of those magazines.”

“Why?”

“Because we made a deal to do this together.”

Deanna stared at her suspiciously, suddenly aware that Ruby had had no more intention of following through than she had. “You never had any intention of talking to Hank tonight, did you?” she demanded.

Ruby ignored the question and began flipping through the magazine.

“Did you?” Deanna persisted. “It was a trick to get me to talk to Sean.”

Ruby peered over the top of the magazine. “Would I try to trick my best friend?”

“In a heartbeat,” Deanna said.

“Only if I thought I was acting in her best interests,” Ruby retorted.

“That’s no excuse.”

Ruby laughed. “Is your heart one bit purer? Were you really going to spell things out for Sean, if not tonight, then whenever you do see him?”

“Of course,” Deanna said, working hard to maintain a pious expression.

“Yeah, right.”

Deanna sighed. “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we? At this rate, we’ll be 102 and still talking about what might have been.”

“Now there’s a thought that ought to terrify both of us into action,” Ruby said.

They exchanged a look, then chorused with heartfelt sincerity, “Tomorrow.”

“Soon enough for me,” Ruby added.

“Me, too.”

In the meantime Deanna had a hunch they both ought to be praying that tomorrow didn’t turn out to be too late.

S
ean had already passed the point in his relationship with Deanna when he would normally call it quits. She was getting under his skin. Not a minute went by that he wasn’t desperate to kiss her, even more desperate to make love to her. If the reaction had been purely physical, he would have run with it, but it was more than that. Which was why he ought to be giving her a wide berth instead of putting himself smack in the way of temptation by going over to that disgustingly shabby new apartment later this morning.

Then again, how much trouble could he possibly get into while they were painting? As far as he knew, she hadn’t picked out any furniture, so there wouldn’t be so much as a sofa, much less a bed, to give him any ideas about what he’d prefer to be doing with her today. Besides, Hank and Ruby would be there. Kevin would probably be underfoot.

Sean grinned whenever he thought of Kevin with his wise-guy tongue and the expression of total adoration that crept across his face whenever Sean came around. Kevin was a very big part of what was going on between him and Deanna. The boy needed a surrogate dad, and so far Sean hadn’t seen any evidence that anyone else was going to step up to the plate and fill in. He tried really hard not to think about what would happen if his relationship with Deanna ended. Or, worse, if she found some other man who was eager to play daddy.

Sean clenched his jaw. That wasn’t going to happen, not unless he’d checked the guy out every which way, to be sure he was worthy of the two of them. He was still frowning over that when the doorbell rang. He jerked the door open and found his brother on his doorstep.

Ryan held up his hands and backed up a step. “Hey, whatever it is, I didn’t do it.”

Sean’s scowl deepened. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“The look on your face, the one that says you’re looking for someone to punch,” Ryan explained. “What’s that about?”

Sean couldn’t quite manage a smile, but he forced a neutral expression. “Sorry. I was in a bad place.”

“I could see that. Want to talk about it?”

“No time. I’m on my way out,” he said, hoping to forestall a cross-examination on his mood.

“Then I won’t keep you long,” Ryan said, ignoring the lack of invitation and stepping inside the apartment. “Where are you off to, anyway?”

Sean studied his brother intently. There was still a certain wariness between them. After so many years
apart, it wasn’t as if they could just pick up the brotherhood bit where they’d left off as kids. They’d made some progress, but there was still some natural uneasiness over revealing too much, taking too much for granted based on their closeness as kids. A lot of water—a lot of anger—had passed under the bridge since the old days.

Maybe, though, this was the perfect opportunity for another round of long-delayed bonding.

“I’m helping a friend paint an apartment,” he told Ryan as he led the way into his cramped kitchen. Since Ryan wasn’t going anywhere till he’d said his piece about whatever had brought him by, they might as well be comfortable.

“The coffee’s still warm,” Sean said, after testing the pot. “Want some?”

“Sure.”

Sean poured two cups, handed one to Ryan, then straddled a chair, waiting for his brother to explain what he was doing there. When Ryan remained quiet, Sean found himself filling the silence. “You know,” he began, feeling awkward about asking Ryan for anything. “If you’ve got the time this morning, we could always use another pair of hands. It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I thought it might be fun to hang out for a while.”

“I’ve got a couple of hours to spare,” Ryan said at once, seizing on the invitation as the peace offering it had been intended to be. “Who’s the friend?”

“Deanna Blackwell.”

Ryan studied him curiously. “Girlfriend?”

Sean debated how to answer that. He supposed that was as close a description as any, but he didn’t want to admit to it and then listen to the barrage of questions
that was sure to follow. He opted for evasion. “Not exactly,” he murmured.

His brother grinned. “Maybe I can help you clarify that. How is she paying you back for recruiting a painting crew?”

“Not like that,” Sean protested. “She’s just a friend, who happens to be a woman.” And whose kisses could melt a steel girder.

“Sure.” Ryan’s expression was doubtful.

“She is.”

“Whatever you say, bro.”

Determined to change the subject before Ryan got him to say more than he intended about his relationship with Deanna, Sean asked, “Okay, other than hassling me, what brought you by this morning?”

Ryan seemed to debate whether to let him get away with the obvious ploy, then finally said, “I wanted to let you know I have a lead on Michael.”

Sean swallowed hard at the news. The search for the rest of their family was Ryan’s idea. Sean was less enthusiastic. Every time he thought of the family he’d lost, he wanted to start breaking things. He hated what his parents had put them through. He tried never to think about them, or about the brothers he hadn’t seen since first grade.

But he couldn’t deny that since meeting Deanna, he’d been thinking a lot more about the meaning of family. He was a little more open to the possibility of discovering answers to all the questions that had haunted him through the years.

“You know where Michael is?” he asked, his chest tight.

Ryan shook his head. “Not exactly. He’s apparently
in the Navy, but when I try to find out where he’s stationed, I keep hitting a brick wall.”

Sean suddenly recalled the four-year-old who’d trailed after him and Ryan, eager to do anything they’d let him do just to be around them. The image was so vivid it nearly made his heart stop. Something about that early case of hero worship had stuck with him. It was the last time anyone had looked up to him…at least until he’d become a firefighter. Maybe that need to be somebody’s hero was even one of the reasons he’d chosen the dangerous profession in the first place.

Every once in a while when he saw the way Kevin looked at him, it reminded him of the way Michael had once looked up to his two big brothers. Brothers, who, when things got tough, hadn’t been able to do anything to make them better. Maybe it hadn’t been their doing, but in a way he and Ryan had abandoned Michael, the same way their parents had abandoned all of them.

He sighed and looked up to find Ryan studying him with concern.

“You okay?” Ryan asked.

“Just thinking about how we let him down,” he admitted, unable to keep a note of self-loathing out of his voice.

“I know how you feel. I lived with the same guilt for years where both of you were concerned, but Maggie’s made me see that we were just kids, too,” Ryan said. “There’s nothing we could have done differently to change things. When it comes to kids our age, adults are always in charge. We had to go along with what they decided. Now we have to go on from where we are. There’s no point in looking back and wishing we’d done things differently.”

“I suppose.”

“Hey, you forgave me,” Ryan said lightly. “Maybe Michael will forgive both of us.”

“Maybe he won’t even remember us,” Sean said. “Hell, he was only four when we were split up.”

Ryan sighed. “Definitely a possibility, but I can’t stop looking now. Any idea how we can take this information and use it?”

Sean didn’t want any part of the investigation. It was one thing for Ryan to conduct his search, maybe turn up this family member or that one. Then Sean could see them…or not. But the memory of Michael, his lower lip trembling as he was led away by a different set of foster parents, made him want some resolution, too. And one look at Ryan’s expression told him he couldn’t sit on the sidelines, especially when there might be a way he could help.

“There’s a guy in the department whose brother is at the Pentagon. Maybe he’d be willing to do a little digging around for us,” Sean conceded reluctantly. “Want me to ask him?”

“That would be great,” Ryan said enthusiastically. “I know you have your reservations about all this, but seeing me again hasn’t been so awful, has it?”

Sean grinned. “Hardly. How many times have I actually seen you, though? You could start to get on my nerves yet.”

“Very funny. Now tell me about this woman we’re helping this morning,” Ryan coaxed, circling right back to the topic Sean had been hoping to avoid. “How’d you meet?”

Sean told him the story of the fire and all about Kevin. When he was finished there was a broad grin on his brother’s face.

“You are so hooked,” Ryan declared happily.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Is she pretty?”

“I suppose.”

“Sweet?”

He thought of Deanna’s sharp edges and feisty independence, all of it tempered by a surprising naiveté. “Sweet enough, I guess.”

“Vulnerable?”

Sean’s gaze narrowed. “Yes,” he confirmed tightly.

“And she’s a struggling single mom?”

“Yes. What’s your point?”

“Damsel in distress. Kid desperate for a father. Firefighter with a need to play hero. You do the math.”

Sean didn’t like the way things were adding up in his brother’s head. “Oh, go to hell,” he muttered.

His brother grinned. “Not till I get a look at this woman. And before you tell me what a pain in the butt I am, consider this—it could be worse.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Maggie would be all over this,” he teased. His face took on an odd expression, and then he met Sean’s gaze. “She’s got all these nesting urges.” He hesitated, then added, “She’s pregnant.”

Sean studied his brother, trying to gauge how he felt about the news. He didn’t know him well enough to read him with any accuracy. “You sound dazed,” he said finally. “You are happy about this, aren’t you?”

“Happy. Terrified.”

“What are you terrified about?” Sean asked, even though he could guess the answer. He opted for being supportive, saying the words he’d want to hear if he
were in Ryan’s place. “You’re going to be a great father. And Maggie’s amazing. She’ll be a wonderful mother.”

“Oh?” Ryan said, his expression skeptical. “Maggie will be a terrific mother, but me as a dad? I don’t know. It’s not like either you or I had a sterling example set for us.”

“Which means you’ll try all the harder to avoid making the same mistakes,” Sean reassured him, stealing words Deanna had once expressed to him.

“The same way you’re trying with this kid? What’s his name? Kevin?”

Sean sighed. “Yeah. Something like that.”

“A word of caution,” Ryan said. “If what you’re saying is true, that you’re not interested in his mom—not that I believe that for a second—then be careful. Who knows better than the two of us what it feels like to be abandoned? You may not officially be this kid’s dad, but if he’s come to think of you that way, it could be devastating if you take off.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sean said. “It’s not something I’m likely to forget.”

With that thought hanging in the air, they fell silent. Ryan had managed to hit on the one flaw in Sean’s plan to keep Deanna at arm’s length. He needed to make a decision to stay—or go—before it was too late.

Unfortunately, he knew in his heart it was already too late on all counts. There was no question that he already loved that boy. What was more important, like it or not, he was in love with the kid’s mom.

Admitting that to himself was one thing. Acting on it—doing what was right—was entirely another. But there was no question about one thing, he was running out of excuses and out of time.

Sean had been in an odd mood all day. Deanna glanced at him now and found that he was still wearing the same brooding expression she’d found troubling the second he’d shown up with his brother in tow.

The fact that he hadn’t reacted at all to the discovery that she’d already managed to find a few pieces of furniture was especially telling. She’d expected a scathing glance at the sofa, maybe a remark about the bed, but there’d been nothing at all.

Maybe it was because his brother was with him, she concluded. She’d liked Ryan Devaney at once, even when she’d realized that he was subtly sizing her up. In fact, a part of her liked him even more for that. She thought it was great that he was looking out for his kid brother, even after all the years they’d been separated. Though the byplay between them was awkward at times, there was an unmistakable undercurrent of love and a bond that was growing stronger as time went on.

Apparently she’d won Ryan’s wholehearted approval, because he’d kissed her cheek when he’d left and whispered, “Hang in there.”

She still wasn’t entirely certain what that had been about, but she suspected it had something to do with Sean’s weird mood. He’d offered to give his brother a lift, but Ryan had turned him down flat, hitching a ride with Hank and Ruby instead.

Kevin was spending the weekend with a friend, so he hadn’t been underfoot during the painting, which meant Deanna was now all alone in her new apartment with Sean.

“Thanks for helping today,” she said as she gath
ered up empty pizza boxes and hauled them off to the trash can in the kitchen. “You want a beer or soda or something?”

“Nothing.”

She came back into the living room and studied him intently. He was sprawled in an easy chair she’d found in a thrift store the day before. Even with paint spattered on his T-shirt, jeans and even on the tip of his nose and eyelashes, he made quite an enticing picture.

If only there weren’t that dark scowl on his face, she thought, barely containing a sigh.

“Okay, that’s it,” she announced, standing over him, hands on hips. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting weird all day.”

He seemed vaguely startled that she was calling him on it. He straightened up and looked as if he might claim that everything was just fine, but she cut him off.

“Did something happen before you and Ryan got here?” she demanded. “I know he’s been searching for Michael. Has there been some news?”

“He has a lead,” he admitted.

Deanna frowned. He’d answered a little too quickly, almost as if he were relieved that she’d asked about the search for his family. “That’s good news, right?”

“Yeah, of course it is,” he said, though without much enthusiasm. “I’m going to see if a friend in the department can help us follow up on it.”