Sean's Reckoning (15 page)

“So it’s not that,” she concluded. “Come on, Sean. Talk to me. I thought we were friends.”

To her shock, his expression turned even darker. “Yeah, that was the plan, all right.”

Her heart began to thud dully. She ran a mental movie of everything that had gone on while they were
painting, but nothing out of the ordinary struck her. “And something’s happened today to change that?” she probed. “Did I do something to upset you?”

The corners of his mouth twitched. “You could say that, though probably not in the way you mean.”

“Tell me.”

He faced her with an anguished expression. “Okay, since you asked and I don’t want to lie to you, here it is. I’m in love with you.”

Something that felt a whole lot like heady exhilaration swept through her. Still, she noticed that he didn’t look all that happy about the discovery that his feelings ran that deep.

“But?” she asked cautiously.

His gaze held hers. “That’s it. I know you aren’t interested in having a relationship, and I’m not convinced I’m any good at them, and here I go changing the rules.”

Despite his somber tone, she couldn’t contain the rush of pure joy. Until she’d heard the words leave his lips, she hadn’t realized just how desperately she’d been wanting to hear them. She laughed and launched herself into his arms. “It’s about time, Sean Devaney. The wait was getting on my nerves.”

He caught her and clasped her to his chest, then leaned back to scan her face. “You’re not furious?”

She was almost as stunned by that as he seemed to be, but there it was. She was ecstatic, not angry.

“Furious?” she echoed, not even attempting to disguise her own amazement. “I guess not.” To prove it, she kissed him, not pulling back until their breathing was ragged.

A grin tugged at his lips. “Do you have any idea
how much I want to make love to you, Deanna Blackwell?”

She wriggled against him. “As a matter of fact I think I do,” she teased.

“Well?”

“The bed’s made. There’s nobody around to interrupt. I’d say we have all the time in the world.”

Sean’s expression turned serious. He reached out with fingers that trembled slightly and brushed a stray curl away from her cheek. “You’re absolutely certain this is something you want?”

She touched a finger to his lips. “Not if you intend to talk it to death.”

He laughed. “No more talking?”

“Nope. I think all the important stuff has already been said.”

“Not all of it,” he said. “You haven’t said how you feel about me, about us.”

“Haven’t I? I thought I had,” she said, kissing him thoroughly. “Not clear enough? I love you, Sean Devaney. I never thought I would say that to another person, but it’s true. Not even
I
could be stubborn enough to go on denying it, when it’s staring me in the face. I love you.”

His expression brightened. Before she could guess what he had in mind, he rose to his feet, still holding her in his arms, and headed for the freshly painted bedroom. At the doorway he hesitated.

“Shower first,” he said. “Of course, I won’t have any fresh clothes to change into afterward.”

Deanna grinned. “I don’t think clothes are going to be a necessity for the rest of the night.”

“You going to join me in the shower? Or do you want to go first?”

Normally she would have wanted to go first, maybe use the time to steady her nerves before she took this next step, but right this moment she couldn’t imagine being separated from him even for a second. Despite his claim to love her, there was still a chance he could change his mind about making love. Obviously, he knew, as she did, that they were about to cross a line from which there would be no turning back.

“I’ll scrub your back if you’ll scrub mine,” she said lightly.

His eyes darkened. “Deal,” he said, his voice suddenly hoarse.

The bathroom was fairly large, with an old-fashioned claw-footed tub with a showerhead installed above. The tile floor was cool beneath her bare feet. Deanna suddenly shivered, overcome with an attack of jitters.

Sean studied her. “Change your mind?”

“No,” she said staunchly. But the transition from fully clothed to buck naked intimidated her.

Sean seemed to guess what was going on in her head. Eyes locked with hers, he reached for the faucets and turned on the water, then faced her and reached for the hem of her T-shirt. Ever so slowly, his gaze never leaving her face, he lifted it over her head.

Then he skimmed his knuckles across her bare skin, avoiding her breasts, on his way to releasing the snap on her cutoff jeans. A leisurely push had the shorts skimming over her hips and sliding down her legs.

Then she was standing before him in bra and panties, watching the desire darken his eyes. He kicked off his sneakers, then shucked his T-shirt and jeans and stood before her in briefs that did nothing to conceal
the full state of his arousal. A smile played across his mouth.

“If it would help, we could jump in like this, pretend we’re going swimming,” he suggested.

One tiny part of Deanna wanted to do just that. In fact, there was something amazingly provocative about imagining how they would look with damp cloth clinging to her curves and the evidence of his desire. Another part of her cried out at being a coward. If this was what she wanted—and it was—then there shouldn’t be anything halfway about it. And there shouldn’t be any hesitation or embarrassment.

Because she couldn’t seem to summon a single word, instead she reached down and unclasped the hook on her bra and let it fall away. Sean sucked in a sharp breath as his gaze fell to her breasts. He reached out and with one finger, slowly circled first one tip, then the other. The gesture was enough to send heat spiraling through her.

Then his hands slipped past the elastic waistband of her panties and slid them off. It was no more than a quick, skimming touch and yet she was shuddering with need somewhere deep inside.

Sean saw her reaction and when she reached for his briefs, he caught her hands. “Something tells me I’d better do this myself if we’re actually going to get a shower.”

She grinned at the admission that he was as close to the edge as she was. It made her feel something she hadn’t felt in a very long time. It made her feel desirable. For too many years now, she’d concentrated on being a mother. She’d forgotten how to be a woman.

Finally undressed, Sean held out his hand and helped her into the tub, then stepped in to face her.
Keeping his gaze focused on hers, he picked up the soap and began to lather it all over her with quick, slippery passes that tried to avoid being provocative. Deanna almost laughed at the concentration knitting his brow. She could have told him all that restraint was wasted. Every place he touched was on fire. Her heart was pounding as if she’d just run a marathon.

“My turn,” she said, stealing the soap and using it to work up a creamy lather which she spread slowly across his solid chest. The white foam against bronzed skin made her want to linger there, but there was so much more of him to explore—broad shoulders, muscled legs, a powerful back and tight butt. She could feel his skin heat beneath her touch, felt the tension in his muscles.

“Enough,” he whispered, his voice tight.

He turned around and drew her against him, slick skin against slippery heat. His arms loosely circling her waist, he moved slightly until the shower was cascading over them, the water in the old pipes turning cool, but not cold enough to temper the fire burning inside them both.

When they’d been rinsed clean, he shut off the water, reached for a towel and rubbed her skin until it glowed. He barely made a pass with a towel to dry himself before scooping her into his arms and heading for the bedroom.

By then Deanna was restless with wanting, desperate to feel him deep inside her.

Sean apparently felt the same urgency, because he hesitated above her for no more than a heartbeat, gazing deep into her eyes as he slowly entered her, stilled and sighed with obvious contentment.

But being together wasn’t enough, not for long.
Sean began to move, the strokes slow and leisurely at first, then deeper and more intense. Deanna’s hips rose off the bed to meet him, desperately seeking a release that remained just beyond reach. The rhythm teased and tormented, promising so much but holding back until Deanna was about to scream.

Just then Sean’s fingers glided intimately over her, sending shock waves ripping through her. The scream came then, but Sean’s mouth covered hers, capturing the sound as he held her tight. Then he was moving again, carrying her beyond where she’d thought she was capable of going, until together they fell off the ends of the earth.

I
n Sean’s past, the morning after making love with a woman had always meant a hurried escape to safer emotional waters. Even on those rare occasions when he’d lingered for breakfast, he’d been careful to retreat to more neutral turf. He’d done his best not to give confusing signals that might suggest that the night before had been a prelude to forever.

This morning he awoke to the discovery that he was exactly where he wanted to be, where he
intended
to be, for the rest of his life—in bed with Deanna curled next to him, her breath fanning across his bare chest.

Even as he made that mental admission, he waited for the panic to follow. He expected some sort of fight-or-flight instinct to kick in that would have him bolting for the door. Instead, there was…an unbelievable sense of inner peace. Genuine contentment stole through him.

Gazing down at soft-as-satin cheeks still flushed from the last time they’d made love, he felt a smile curving his lips. He could do this. With Deanna he could face the future with the kind of faith that commitment required. He couldn’t imagine a time when he wouldn’t want to wake up next to her, when he wouldn’t want to play ball with Kevin, maybe even hold a baby of their own.

There it was, he thought, as the first hint of anticipated panic crept in at the thought of babies.
That
was the image destined to send a little tremor of fear racing through him. His pulse raced and his stomach knotted.

A baby, for heaven’s sake. What was he thinking? What did he know about babies? The last time he’d spent any extended time around babies, he’d been a kid himself. He remembered the twins’ homecoming from the hospital, how he and Ryan had held them as if they might break, excited by the prospect of having two more brothers.

Unfortunately, that thrill hadn’t lasted. He remembered that the twins had cried more, been more difficult to pacify than Michael. One cranky baby would have been stressful enough. Two caused sleepless nights and frayed tempers. He remembered the strain on his mother’s face, the impatient complaints from his father that escalated into shouting matches that often sent him, Ryan and Michael running from the house to hide until the furor was over. He remembered feeling scared and, worse, resentful of the two tiny beings who’d come into their midst and ruined everything.

What the hell was he doing, thinking about having a baby with Deanna or with anyone else? How many times had he wished back then that the twins had never
been born? Now guilt and anguish welled up inside him at the hateful thoughts he’d once harbored for those two innocent boys. How could he have been so selfish? he reproached himself.

With the long-forgotten memories flooding in, he wondered how he could have buried all of that for so long. Obviously he’d buried it as deep as the fear that those childish wishes had been the cause of his parents taking the twins and leaving.

He wasn’t aware that tears were sliding down his cheeks until he felt Deanna hesitantly touch the dampness, her expression worried.

“Sean, what is it? What’s wrong?”

He shoved her hand aside and swiped impatiently at the telling tears, embarrassed at having been caught crying. “Nothing,” he said brusquely.

She laid her hand over his. “Don’t try to tell me that. I don’t believe you.”

Her steady look told him she had no intention of letting him off the hook. He took a deep breath and forced himself to admit at least part of what had reduced him to tears. “I just slammed headfirst into a slew of old memories.”

“Not very pleasant ones, I gather.”

He shook his head.

She smoothed her hand over the stubble on his cheek. “Tell me.”

Her tone was gentle, but it was a command. He knew her well enough to see that. She wasn’t going to rest until he’d spilled his guts to her. What would she think of him then? Maybe, despite what she’d said last night, she would be the one who’d flee from the relationship.

With a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach,
he began slowly, describing the upheaval the twins’ arrival had caused in his family. As he described how the situation had worsened month by month, Deanna nodded, her expression filled with understanding and compassion, not the disgust he’d feared.

“I wanted them to go away,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper as he admitted the shameful sentiment.

“Oh, Sean.” She didn’t seem shocked or appalled, just very sad. “Don’t you imagine that’s exactly how every sibling feels when a new baby brother or sister comes home from the hospital? You had two brothers thrust on you all at once. Worse, they weren’t easy babies.”

“But Ryan didn’t resent me. Neither of us felt that way about Michael.”

“Do you really remember that clearly? You were only two when Michael was born,” she reminded him.

“I remember…” he insisted, not ready to let himself off the hook “…as clearly as I remember the tension that began the second Patrick and Daniel came home from the hospital.”

Deanna didn’t seem entirely convinced, but she said, “You mentioned the twins were difficult babies, and they caused problems between your parents. It was natural for you to be afraid that your world was about to be disrupted. Just look at what happened—your family was torn apart. Maybe that was because of the twins or maybe it was something else, but the bottom line is, your fears had some basis in reality.”

“That’s no excuse,” he said, refusing to let himself off the hook. “They were babies. What kind of man blames a baby for anything?”

She laughed then and pressed a kiss against his lips.
He was so surprised by the reaction, he didn’t move, didn’t even automatically deepen the kiss as he might have another time.

“Sean, you weren’t a man,” she reminded him. “You were a six-year-old boy, younger than that when they first came into your life. I’m sure there are plenty of other things you did at that age that you would never consider doing now.”

He started to argue, then slowly grasped the wisdom in her words. She was right. He was blaming himself for things that had been far beyond his control. Whatever had happened back then, it was because of decisions the adults had made, not anything he or Ryan or even Michael or the twins had done. The blame, if there was any, belonged with their parents. It had been up to them to cope with the disruptions, to reassure their sons, not to simply take off when things got to be too difficult.

He and Ryan had talked about that before, had agreed on it, but until now he hadn’t let himself believe it. Having Deanna, an objective third party, provide a fresh perspective helped more than he’d imagined possible. A sigh of relief shuddered through him as he finally let go of some of the guilt.

Deanna regarded him with surprise. “You really were blaming yourself, weren’t you? Have you been doing that all these years?”

“Not consciously,” he said. “But somewhere in the back of my mind, I suspect it was always there.”

“What made you think about it this morning?”

He started to keep the answer to himself, but she deserved to know where his head was. “I was thinking about babies. Yours and mine.”

The expression on her face was priceless—a mix of
shock, wonder and something that looked a whole lot like panic. Sean could relate to that.

But he wasn’t scared anymore, because when he looked deep into Deanna’s eyes, anything seemed possible.

Deanna didn’t want Sean to see just how deeply she’d been affected by his off-the-cuff remark about the two of them having babies. They’d spent one night in each other’s arms and he was talking about a family. How could she even think about that? How could he? Wasn’t admitting that she loved him a huge enough leap for now?

Because she was so completely disconcerted, she scrambled from his embrace with the excuse that she was starving, that he must be, too. She was dressed in her robe and out the bedroom door before he could blink, much less reach out and haul her back into bed.

Her hands shook as she made the coffee. She had just grabbed the edge of the counter to steady herself when she felt Sean come up behind her, bracing his hands next to hers, trapping her in place.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Your turn. Why did you take off like that?”

“I’m hungry,” she insisted.

“Turn around, look me in the eye and tell me food is the only thing on your mind,” he said.

She swallowed hard and forced herself to turn around and level a look straight into his eyes. “I want pancakes,” she said, managing to keep her voice steady. She was impressed with her acting, if not the blatant lie.

Sean didn’t seem quite as taken with her procla
mation. “Pancakes? You’d rather have pancakes than me?” he asked lightly.

She laughed despite her tension. “I didn’t know you were even on the menu.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said softly, his mouth covering hers. “Always.”

One hand cupped her breast, causing the nipple to bead beneath the soft fabric. Just like that, the panic fell away.

This was Sean. This was the solid, steady man who had befriended her son and protected her, even when she didn’t want his protection. Sean would never run out on her the way Frankie had, not after he’d committed to staying. Sean would never take such a commitment lightly. He’d lived through the pain of abandonment, just as she had. If he could take a giant leap of faith into the future, so could she.

Couldn’t she? Her heart hammered at the thought.

Then she met his gaze, saw the man who made her pulse race, the man who
loved
her, who loved her enough to face his own fears and move forward.

She shrugged out of the robe, let it slide to the floor as she moved into his waiting arms. Just as he swept her off her feet, she reached out and flipped off the coffeepot. Coffee, pancakes, everything else would have to wait. The future was right in front of her, and she intended to reach for it and hold on tight.

After they’d finally recovered from the most incredible, spontaneous explosion of sex Deanna had ever experienced, she met Sean’s gaze and caught the spark of amusement lurking in his eyes.

“What? I’m completely out of breath, and you’re laughing at me?”

“Not at you,” he insisted, smoothing away her frown. “It just occurred to me that we wasted an entire day painting this place.”

She looked around at the bright, cheerful walls. “How can you say that? It’s beautiful.”

“But you’re not going to be living here more than a week or two.”

She stared at him. “Excuse me?”

“Isn’t it usual for a husband and wife to live under the same roof?”

She went perfectly still. “What are you saying?”

“That I want you to marry me. Today. Tomorrow. As soon as possible.”

She stared at him. “A few hours ago we were just friends, and now you want to get married right away?” She couldn’t seem to help the incredulity or the panic threading through her voice. “Isn’t that a little sudden?”

The earlier talk of babies had been one thing. That had been a sometime-in-the-future sort of discussion. This talk about a wedding had an immediacy that terrified her. Sean had kept her senses spinning all night long. Now he was making her dizzy, moving their relationship along at the speed of light.

He regarded her with understanding. “I know it’s scary,” he soothed, cupping her face in work-worn hands that were astonishingly gentle, hands that could make her tremble with the slightest caress. “But I love you. You love me. And this isn’t sudden. We’ve been getting to this point since the day we met. If you think about it that way, we’ve already been courting for months now. And we owe it to Kevin to let him know that what we feel for each other is permanent.”

“Let’s leave Kevin out of this for the moment.”

“How can we?”

“Because this is about us,” she protested weakly. “We have to do what’s right for us first, or it will be all wrong for Kevin.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Then what are you saying?”

“That I’m still stunned about the fact that we made love.”

It was his turn to go still. “Do you regret it?”

How could she? She met his gaze. “Of course not.”

“And you do love me, right?”

She nodded.

“And Kevin thinks I’ll make an okay dad,” he said.

“That’s an understatement,” Deanna acknowledged.

“Then what’s the real problem? Are you going to love me any more if we wait six months to get married? A year?”

Deanna thought about the logic of that. He was right. Her feelings might deepen, as love tended to do with time, but they wouldn’t change. Not really. The love she’d finally admitted feeling was as real today as it would be months from now. So, why wait?

“You’re that sure?” she asked, studying his face, astonished that all of his doubts could have disappeared overnight.

He regarded her solemnly. “I’m that sure,” he confirmed.

The last of her own doubts vanished. Her heart began to sing. She glanced around at the freshly painted apartment. It was lovely, but it was hardly a reason to delay the inevitable. If there was one thing life had taught her, it was to seize happiness when it came
around, for herself, for her son. Summer was almost over. A fall wedding could be beautiful.

“October?” she asked tentatively, thinking of the changing leaves that could provide a palette for the wedding.

Sean’s expression brightened. “Is that a yes?”

She refused to give in so easily. He needed to understand that he couldn’t get his way about everything in their new life. “That’s a maybe,” she corrected. “October’s awfully short notice to pull a wedding together. Maybe
next
October would be better.”

“That’s more than a year from now,” he protested. “What if we get cold feet?”

“I won’t,” she said with certainty. “Will you?”

“No, but—”

“If what we’re feeling is real, it won’t hurt to wait.”

Sean regarded her with obvious disappointment. “Isn’t there anything I can say to persuade you to move things up? How about if I promise to spend every day of my life making you happy, building a family with you that can’t be broken?”

She touched a finger to his lips. “I already believe that with all my heart.”