Shades of Honor (3 page)

“William needs help,” Kyle continued, pecking away at Radford’s conscience, seemingly oblivious to the dreams that were shattering within him. Panic welled up inside Radford, but he forced it down. Maybe he had expected too much. Maybe Kyle needed time to adjust, to realize that Radford only wanted to be a part of the family again.

Evelyn shot a panicked look at Radford then turned to Kyle. “I can manage alone for a while longer if you can’t spare one of your crew right now.”

“No you can’t,
Ev
. I’d rather you didn’t work at all, but until we’re married, I can’t change that or make any decisions about the livery without your father’s consent. It’ll be a relief knowing Radford is there taking care of things,” Kyle said, as if the issue had been decided. He held up his hand to stop her argument. “We can talk about this later. Your father is set on having Radford run the livery. He’s even extended an invitation for Radford and Rebecca to stay with you, which should make it more convenient for everyone.”

Evelyn’s face blanched and Radford thought his knees were going to fail him. Everything he believed he’d come home to had turned to ashes. Kyle had made it clear that he wasn’t welcome at the mill. And if Evelyn’s offended expression was any indication, he wasn’t welcome in her livery, either.

In the midst of this realization, Radford reached down and captured his daughter’s hand, reminding himself of the single most important reason he’d come home. Rebecca. He would sacrifice or endure anything for his daughter.

“Why hasn’t Papa said anything to me about this?” Evelyn asked Kyle.

“The subject came up last night during our euchre game while you were asleep. Your father and my mother got into a heck of a row over where Radford and Rebecca would be staying. They both wanted them. Ma said her son belonged at home. William claimed he’ll be lost in an empty house when you marry me and move out.” Kyle grinned. “If you hadn’t gone up to bed you could have watched the show. It was the first time I saw my mother lose an argument.” Kyle turned back to Radford. “William needs your help, Radford. He’s hoping you’ll lend a hand.”

Radford glanced at Evelyn who kept her eyes downcast, and he knew she didn’t like the situation any better than he did.

“Will you do it?” Kyle clapped a hand on Radford’s shoulder in the first truly warm gesture he’d shown him since arriving. But it had come too late.

Several uncomfortable seconds passed while Radford struggled to mask his painful disappointment and inexplicable sadness. Consumed by a fierce longing to restore himself to his family, Radford knew he couldn’t force Kyle to accept him. This time he’d have to earn his place. And it was time he repaid William for saving his life at Gettysburg. Tightening his hold on Rebecca’s hand, Radford unclenched his aching jaw. “I’ll do it,” he said hoarsely.

 
 
o0o

Evelyn couldn’t stifle her gasp. She didn’t want Radford in her livery! She needed a place where she could be herself. Her horses didn’t care that she wore britches and couldn’t dance. They didn’t know she couldn’t dress her hair or flirt or stitch a straight seam. She could talk to the horses about remedies for colic, the price of oats and linseed oil, and how to repair a harness. Outside the livery, Evelyn was a misfit. She was unable to connect with anyone, male or female. Even with Kyle, it was difficult to communicate. She couldn’t imagine how awkward she would feel in Radford’s presence.

“What’s wrong,
Ev
?” Kyle asked.

She only shrugged. Kyle had changed so much in the past few years that Evelyn wouldn’t know how to share her concerns with him even if she dared to. It was Radford’s fault. If he had stayed after the war and done his duty as eldest son, Kyle wouldn’t have been forced to become the ambitious businessman she barely knew anymore. During the past five years, he’d grown so focused on the mill it seemed Kyle no longer even noticed Evelyn. She sighed and picked at her chipped fingernail. Maybe their marriage would resurrect the closeness and friendship they had once shared. Maybe then Kyle would notice that she’d become a woman, albeit a lonely one uncomfortable in her own skin, but still a woman.

 
The old Kyle would have noticed the difference. He’d always understood her. Even when they were children, Kyle was the only person she could depend on, who could comfort her. It was Kyle’s shoulder Evelyn had cried on when her mother died laboring to have a son who didn’t survive the grueling birth. All her life, Kyle had been a steadfast, dependable friend.

But Evelyn wanted more than friendship. She wanted love.

Kyle wiped his neck with a handkerchief then blew out a tired breath. “This is the only way I can help with the livery right now,
Ev
.”

“I understand,” she said. When Kyle wasn’t working at the mill, he was working on their house. He didn’t have time to help her shovel horse dung. Evelyn accepted the fact that she needed a man in her livery to appease society’s narrow-minded sense of propriety, and to help her with the daily labor that physically drained her. She’d expected a man from Kyle’s crew, but it looked as if it would be Radford.

She laced her fingers and squeezed her hands between her knees, wondering how she would ever keep her eyes on her work with Radford in her livery.

“I thought you were a railroad man for life,” Kyle said to Radford as he hopped onto the back of Evelyn’s wagon.

Radford lifted Rebecca onto his lap to make room for Kyle, then braced an arm against the plank rail as Evelyn drove out of the sawmill. There was nothing to like about railroad life except the money. “Rebecca needs a more settled life than I could give her working for the railroad.”

“Well, this is about as settled as you can get,” Kyle said, his gesture encompassing the sawmill, the tannery, and the grist mill as they traveled down Liberty Street toward Fredonia.

The dip and sway of the wagon set their feet swinging and Radford was struck by the memory of four grubby little boys sitting shoulder to shoulder on the back of their father's lumber wagon, sharing a jar of cold water and seeing who could spit the farthest after a long, dry day at the mill. A breeze rustled through the surrounding trees, carrying the fresh, green scent of summer. Radford closed his eyes, listening to the occasional burble of
Canadaway
Creek, the jingle and clop of Evelyn's sturdy Morgan as it pulled her wagon toward home. There was an essence of peace here that he longed to feel within himself.

“Keep your eyes closed, Kyle said, “and tell me
exactly
where we are.”

Despite his melancholy, Radford smiled as he recalled the game they used to play each night on their way home from the mill. When he felt the slight leftward shift of his body, his grin widened. “We’re passing the fat oak tree that sits on the inside curve of the road next to Tom and Martha Fisk's place. The one Boyd fell out of the night he spied their daughter Catherine undressing for bed.”

Kyle's chuckle told Radford he'd guessed correctly. Radford opened his eyes. The tree was still there, minus the branch Boyd had broken in his fall. The
Fisks
’ house was freshly whitewashed, yet appeared smaller than Radford remembered. Maybe it was Tom and Martha’s eight kids that had made it seem so large, but Radford had always thought it dwarfed their own small home a short distance down the street. Now it didn’t look any larger than William Tucker's two-story house that sat beyond his mother’s home on the far side of a vast apple orchard.

The wagon slowed, turned, and rolled to a halt in his mother's driveway. The magnolia trees his father had planted in the side yard were bigger, the bushes thicker, the house older, but it was still home. Had he been alone, Radford would have sat quietly, reacquainting himself with the sound of evening crickets, the smell of cut grass, the sharp rap of someone's hammer echoing across the orchard. He would have walked out back in search of that blackened spot of grass where he and his brothers had built their summer fires. He would have slipped inside the barn to see if his father's old stallion still remembered him.

Instead, he dragged his gaze away from the barn and carried Rebecca to the house. Why dredge up memories from a life he could never recapture? All that mattered now was Rebecca's happiness.

Kyle waved them inside and Radford glanced at Evelyn as he stepped around her in the foyer. Though she hadn’t spoken another word about the livery, her expression told him there was plenty she was holding back.

“Someone’s here to see you, Ma,” Kyle hollered, then grinned at Radford.

Drying her hands on her apron, Nancy Grayson hurried into the foyer. Her auburn hair was pulled back in a bun just the way Radford remembered and he smiled when he saw her. All his life his mother was rushing through chores and it was comforting to see she hadn't lost that vitality.

When she spotted Radford, she gasped, “You’re home!” Tears filled her eyes and she ran forward to hug him. “You're really home.”

Radford pulled her against him with his free arm and she wept as though he'd returned from the dead, which in Radford's opinion wasn't far from the truth. He hadn’t seen his mother since his father’s funeral. Rebecca had never seen her.

His mother sniffed and lifted her head, gazing at Rebecca with eyes full of love and wonder. “What a sweet, sweet baby.” She smoothed her hand down Rebecca's arm and across her back as if she needed to touch her granddaughter to believe she was real.

Rebecca whimpered and burrowed in her blanket. Radford caught Evelyn's worried frown. It was obvious Evelyn thought he would step away from his mother's loving inspection, but Radford didn’t move or warn her away. This was the one person he wanted Rebecca to trust, the one who would always love her, who would give Rebecca the maternal love he was incapable of providing.

His mother would never abandon Rebecca like Olivia had. Or abuse her like that merciless bitch, Gertrude.

The sound of heavy feet in a distant room drew their attention. “Duke! Boyd! Come see who's here,” his mother called, her face bright with excitement.

Duke's
warriorlike
frame rounded the corner first, and it was apparent that he'd been roused from his evening nap. His dark auburn hair was pushed up on one side and his flannel shirt gaped open, exposing a thick-muscled chest full of hair, and a silver deputy's badge that dangled from his shirt pocket.

Radford grinned at his brother. “Close your shirt, Deputy Grayson, and come meet your niece.”

Duke’s eyes opened in surprise. With a laugh, he clasped Radford's hand. “Damn, it's good to see you! He glanced at Rebecca. “Now there’s a fine-looking lass.”

“Must take after her uncle Boyd.”

They all turned to see Boyd emerging from the living room, tucking his shirt into his narrow waistband. His hair was freshly combed and as dark brown as Radford's. Though the youngest and much leaner in build than Duke or Kyle, he equaled them in height.

Radford grinned and his spirits lifted. “What makes you think I'd have a daughter and allow her to resemble you?”

Boyd charmed them with a matching set of dimples. “Because everyone claims I look like you, dear brother, so you'd have no choice in the matter.” He peeked at Rebecca, but she pulled her blanket over her head.

Radford laughed with the others and slapped Boyd's shoulder, casually moving him back a step. “Better luck next time.”

Boyd shrugged. “I usually don't get that response from the ladies unless they're pulling the blanket over both of us.”

“Boyd Grayson!”

He flinched at his mother's sharp reprimand, then grinned and caught her in a hug, swinging her in a circle before planting a loud kiss on her cheek. “Don't worry, Mother, you'll always be my favorite girl.”

Radford took Boyd's hand, giving silent thanks for the blessing of his youngest brother. Boyd's reckless charm lightened his heart and Radford needed that now more than ever. Even Kyle was smiling, leaning casually against the wall beside Evelyn. Maybe Radford had misjudged him. Maybe Kyle had asked him to run the livery because he really did need help.

Rebecca yawned and laid her head on Radford's shoulder. “I’d better get her settled,” he said, rubbing her back.

His mother touched his arm. “I know William wants you and Rebecca to stay with him, but I'd rather have you here.”

Radford was sorry to disappoint her, but at the moment, he didn’t want to share a house with Kyle. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head, hoping to ease her disappointment with a little “Southern sugar” as the
Rebs
used to call it. “
It’'ll
be more convenient to stay there.”

“Why?” Boyd asked, his expression perplexed.

“I’m going to run the livery for William.”

Boyd turned to Kyle. “The livery is going to be your business, not Radford's. Why not let him run the mill?”

“Because that position is taken. Would you prefer to work the livery in Radford's place?”

“A pretty lady and a hayloft does have its appeal,” Boyd said, giving Evelyn a lusty wink that made her laugh and afforded Radford a glimpse of white teeth and a surprisingly nice smile. Boyd's expression sobered and he turned to Radford. “Was this Kyle’s idea?”

By the scowl on Boyd's face, the truth would only start a war that Radford was trying to avoid. “I’m repaying a debt to an old friend,” he said, answering as truthfully as possible. He would work the livery for William and let Kyle adjust to his being home. He owed him that much.