Shame On Me (22 page)

“Deal.”

And we did just that.

Chapter Thirty-Two

A Good Foundation

April

My house is sold and the only furniture that I have left is an air mattress, my recliner, the hammock, and the kitchen table set. My living room is over run with bridesmaid dresses, groomsmen outfits, party favors, decorations, mason jars, shoes, jewelry, and what’s left of my sanity. The wedding is almost here and I can’t wait.

Planning it has been exhausting but all that matters is that I’m marrying Ethan. Everything can go wrong but as long as the preacher, Ethan, me, and two witnesses are there then I’m happy.

For the unity part of our ceremony we are going to plant a tree. We are supposed to take dirt from our parents’ house and combine it as soil for our tree. The parents’ soil is supposed to represent a strong foundation and love. I’m trying to explain this to Kate but all she’s giving me is a crazy look.

“So you’re around here sporting a smile because of dirt?”

“No I’m sporting a smile hoping Ethan and I will last as long as our parents.”

“I remember feeling like that when Jim and I got married.”

“You and Jim were married? Why have I never heard this story?”

“Jim and I met when we were kids. We became best friends and never left each other’s side. Puberty hit and he started dating so I did too. He hated seeing me with other guys and voiced his opinion often. We fought over it so much that we stopped speaking for a while. A month later he corners me at a basketball game and kisses me. Those four weeks without him was hard but for that kiss, I would’ve waited four months!” A huge smile is on her face but once she takes a deep breath she looks a little sad. “We began dating and dated until we graduated high school. My parents encouraged me to date other guys and I eventually agreed; I mean who expects to meet their soul mate at 10? Anyways, after a lot of arguments we eventually broke up. The year that we were apart was the hardest twelve months of my teenage life. Our parents saw how miserable we were and plotted to get us back together. He was angry with me for letting them run my life and I was angry with him for not understanding why I did it. It took a year and a half for us to stop being stubborn and work it out. So at 20yrs old we got married and stayed married until a drunk driver killed him. I miss him everyday but I love him now as much as I did at 10.”

I stare at her and my heart breaks for what she’s lost. I watch as her eyes roam over the bar and I can see how much she needs this place to stay connected with him.

“How did you come up with the name of this place?”

“When we looked at the bar scene and saw all the young people having the time of their lives we just knew. I mean can you imagine being young and carefree
forever
? No real obligations? Pulling all nighters partying and heading straight to work? Drinking all weekend and not gaining a single pound? So we thought we’d make a place where you can always feel that way. A place where you can always be young. Eternally Young. The kids call it The Grill because the food is good here but whatever gets them in the door, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah. Do you miss him?”

“With every breath I take. But then I look around this place and breathing gets a little easier.”

“Did he love this place?”

“Almost as much as he loved me.”

“Will you ever get married again?”

“Nope. The Grill is my husband and any man I need is in my nightstand.”

We laugh and I take in the crowd enjoying their night and I look back to see Kate wearing a proud smile.

I want a piece of the happiness that she had with Jim so I make a mental note to grab some dirt out by the parking lot later.

“Where are you going to plant it?”

“Plant what?”

“Your unity tree. Are you ok?”

“Yeah I was just thinking of some last minute details. We plan to put it in a really big pot for starters and if it takes too long to find a house then it’ll go in Ava’s back yard.”

“When are you planning to look for a house?”

“ASAP. I love his place but we want our kids to have a back yard to play in.”

“Are you pregnant now?”

“No, are you saying I’m getting fat?”

“I noticed that you didn’t register anywhere. What do you want as a gift?”

“So you’re just going to skip over the fat question huh?” She pretends to be busy wiping down the bar so I continue speaking. “I didn’t register anywhere because people buy you whatever they feel like so there was no reason to waste my time. We’ve been asking for monetary gifts but I don’t want your money.”

“How about I throw you a bachelorette party and host it here?”

“Sounds like the best gift ever, but I don’t know how Ava will react to the alcohol smell in here.”

“I’ll worry about Ava and you worry about having fun.”

“Okay, when do you want to have it?”

“How about this weekend?”

“That’s two days away!”

“Let me worry about the details.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “Did you already have this planned?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says sashaying away.

After work I head to Ethan’s place to crash. He’s working the night shift but doesn’t like the idea of me sleeping on an air mattress. I briefly talk to him before I shower and snuggle with his pillow.

Since the wedding is two weeks away he thinks I should officially move in. Most of my belongings are here but I don’t feel comfortable moving in before we get married. I know it sounds weird that I’m willing to sleep over and have sex before we’re married but not live together. We all have nonnegotiable things and this is mine; I’m just not willing to bend. I finally doze off with thoughts of curly haired hazel-eyed children.

****

Friday

I have finally transitioned my hair long enough to cut off my relaxed ends and still maintain my length. After it’s washed and trimmed I have hundreds small curls that hang to my shoulders. My stylist works her magic and my end results are soft curly strands with honey blonde highlights pushed away from my face with a hot pink headband (courtesy of Ava). I love it and can’t wait to see Ethan’s reaction. I’m anxious to see him so I make an impromptu visit to his job.

A nurse pages him to the nurse’s station but doesn’t tell him why. I smile as I watch him approach the station slowly. His eyes take in my hair and breezes over my face. I see him frown as his eyes lower to my left hand then snap back to my face. My smile gets bigger as his face lights up with one.

“I didn’t recognize you at first.”

“What do you think?” I ask twirling so he can have a better look.

“You look beautiful.”

“Thanks babe.”

“Couldn’t wait until I got home huh?”

“And miss you checking me out?” I ask wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I love that you came to visit me but I have to go do an epidural,” he says a little disappointed.

“Okay but my party is tonight so I won’t see you until tomorrow.”

“I forgot that my party is tonight too. Okay give me a kiss and I’ll see you tomorrow.” I give him a quick smooch before he hustles away and I go home to get ready for tonight.

****

Saturday…6am

“Shh Ava, your husband’s asleep.”

“Mia you’re the only one making noise.”

“Oh,” I whisper.

Ava directs me to Ethan’s old room and I fall onto the bed fully clothed. I kick off my shoes and roll up in the covers.

“You ladies have a good night?”

“The best!” I yell from my bedroll.

“As you can tell, she had a fantastic time.”

“How drunk is she?”

“Hammered.”

“Ladies don’t get hammered, we get tipsy!” I yell.

“Are you going to undress her?”

“Only Ethan gets to undress me. Where is he?”

“Sleeping off his party in the other room.”

“’Kay,” I say on a yawn and pass out. A few hours later I go in search of Ethan. I find him next door in nothing but boxer briefs. I climb in bed with him and snuggle against the scruff on his face.

“Took long enough.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Heard you yell through the wall. I know your screams anywhere.”

“Shut up.”

We both laugh and fall back to sleep.

Chapter Thirty-Three

I Promise

I’m standing inside the bridal suite and I’m getting anxious. I just want to be married already! My dad is doing his best to keep me patient but it isn’t working. I need to talk to Ethan, so I decide to call him.

“Darlin’ I’m going to see you in ten minutes.”

“I couldn’t wait any longer. How does the crowd look? Are the most important people in place?”

“Baby relax, I’m sending the Boys to you. I’ll see you soon.”

“Why can’t we get married right now?”

“Darlin’.” I can tell that I’m annoying him by the way he says it so I decide to switch tactics.

“How long will you love me?”

“Forever.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise. Now go hang with the boys for a while.”

I hang up smiling as the boys and my mom approach me with shot glasses and vodka. We huddle at a nearby table and we all hold our glasses up for a toast.

“Here’s to Ethan for refusing to be a hitter. Cheers,” says Calvin.

“Cheers!” our group yells. I barely swallow my shot when I see Ava coming towards me.

“Do you think you should be drunk while you’re getting married?”

“I won’t be drunk, and if you weren’t knocked up you’d be joining us.”

“Ooh shots, set me up!”

I turn to Kate hand her a glass and our group chugs down another shot. Charlee makes her way to our table and joins us for another one.

I take in Ava’s scowl and notice how she’s glowing in her sky blue dress. Her tummy is starting to round and she looks gorgeous.

“Ava calm down, everyone is dressed and ready. You made everyone gorgeous today with your selections, everything is in place, and I’m going to marry the best man for me. So go line up and lets get this started.”

****

I watch the wedding party make their exit and breathe deeply. I hear John Legend’s “All of Me” being sung and played by James and a smile lights my face.

After watching our engagement video I knew that this song was perfect for this moment. The song instantly takes me back to the night of my engagement and I distractedly play with my bracelet that was the inspiration behind our color scheme.

The girls are decked out in sky blue tea length dresses with small gold heart necklaces and champagne colored headbands. The boys have on champagne colored linen pants and vests with a white shirt and sky blue tie.

When I hear James switch to Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” I know it’s time to marry my man and I instantly become nervous.

I raise the hem of my dress to ensure that my blinged out sky blue peep toe stilettos look flawless. When I’m satisfied that they do, I look down at my sleeveless trumpet floor length dress with sky blue sash and smooth my hand over it. I then smooth my hand over my large barrel curls and adjust my crystal garland headband.

I check my blue orchids bouquet one last time to make sure that it’s arranged perfectly before taking my dad’s arm.

My dad walks us out of the building and I stop our progression at the beginning of the aisle because I need a moment. When I have my breathing under control he gets us moving again.

I pictured this moment over and over in my head for months but its not going like I expected it to. I had planned to take notice of the framed chalkboard sign that will greet guests when they enter the ceremony space. I painstakingly took my time to write
,
Choose a seat not a side, We’re all family, Once the knot’s tie
d
, but my eyes don’t even move to it.

Nor do I pay attention to the table near the sign that holds large rocks, markers, and a large glass vase. The rocks are meant for guests to write words of encouragement and advice on them and later be placed in the vase for us to keep forever.

As we make our way past the pews I try to remind myself to at least glimpse at the circular pieces of wood that are hanging from them. I know that different lines from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 are written on them and are meant to encourage us. They’re suppose to remind me that love is patient, kind, not proud, and that it never fails but my eyes don’t even move towards them.

I only realize that there are large tins filled with baby’s breath on the ground, next to the pews, because my dress repeatedly hits them when I walk past.

The only detail I do notice is the large willow tree with tons of sky blue ribbons hanging from it. I only notice this detail because it is behind the person who has held me captivated this entire time.