Shattered Heart (The Hart Series) (32 page)

As
I make my way around to the entrance I’m halted in my tracks and break out in
fits of laughter.  I watch as Alex scoots forward, his knees bent with his arms
in front of him holding onto an imaginary guide in hopes of not falling on his
ass.  I push towards him and stop just as he slips and falls back, catching
himself with the palms of his hands.  He curses, showing every bit of his
aggravation.  Alex never said he couldn’t skate and even though I feel slightly
bad for him, I love seeing him vulnerable. 

“Need
some help there?”  He looks up at me as I hold my hand out to him.  He
hesitates, but eventually holds on as we both work together to get him standing
again.  “Why didn’t you tell me you don’t skate?”

“I
figured it couldn’t be that hard.”

“You’ve
never skated before?”

Alex
shakes his head.  “I thought we established that I didn’t have the most
conventional childhood.”   I almost wish I didn’t ask, because his voice is
lifeless and indifferent, as if he’s done dealing with his shitty past and
doesn’t expect any sympathy.

“Well,
there’s no better time than the present to learn.”  I wrap my arm around his
waist and hold on, balancing him as I give him step by step instructions.  He,
of course, is a quick learner and soon we’re both slowly gliding around the
rink, hand in hand.  His earlier scowl now replaced with a carefree smile, one
that lights up my life.  I’m happy that I got to teach him something.  If
nothing else, he’ll always remember the girl that taught him how to skate. 

“Hungry?”
Alex questions, eyes roaming to the snack bar.

“We
just ate an hour ago.”

“Hey,
I’m a growing boy,” he smirks and pulls me off the floor, en route to the
overwhelming aroma of deep fried everything on a stick.  “Besides, we haven’t
had our dessert.”

My
tummy grumbles.  The baby seems to like the idea of something sweet.  With how
close Alex and I are standing, it could be the melodic tone of Alex’s voice
that has the baby nudging me towards my bit of happiness.  He orders us sodas,
which I quickly change to bottled water, along with a deep fried Twinkie and
funnel cake.

I
scrunch my nose when he turns towards me.  His dimple face makes my chest
ache.  I love seeing him happy and if deep fried Twinkies and dough brings this
out of him, I’d spend the rest of my days in a kitchen
and pregnant
,
frying up anything and everything we could get our hands on.  After refusing my
help, he tilts his head toward a table and carries our array of treats while
carefully balancing on his skates.

We
sit and immediately Alex starts to cut a piece of the battered pastry.  “This
looks disgusting.”  I take in the plate with apprehension, watching him slowly
lick his finger lightly coated in whipped cream. 
Lucky finger.
  My mind
races and my body hums remembering where that tongue was not that long ago: my
moment of weakness in his office, just days after he returned. 

“Stop
being a baby and just try it.”  He holds the fork up to my mouth.  I cringe,
but give in to his persistence and open, allowing him to feed me the doughy
concoction.  I honestly didn’t think I would like it and hate that I love the
taste of the fluffy pastry, mixed with the deep fried batter with cream.  Alex
waits, his eyes searching my face for a sign of my approval.  My lips turn into
a smile as I continue to chew.  “You like it, don’t you.” 

I
nod.  “Definitely not what I expected,” I murmur through a mouth full of food.

“Best
things usually aren’t.”  His statement is right on so many levels.  I drop my
eyes, but moments later look up through my lashes at him.  I know my cheeks are
red.  The way he’s looking at me, he knows exactly what I’m thinking. 
“Earlier, when you were looking at me, what were you thinking about?”  I know
he’s referring to my dirty thoughts as his tongue wiped the tip of his finger
clean.  I shake my head.

“Nope. 
It’s my turn to ask a question.”  He nods, reaching forward and feeding me
another piece of funnel cake.  My lips are coated with powdered sugar, and now
it’s my turn to lick the excess off.  I swear I hear Alex groan, but dismiss
the thought and focus on my first question.  I’m torn on what to ask, but know
this is definitely the time to ask him something I’ve been dying to know.  “Who
did you lose your virginity to?”  I smirk, thinking this will be an
embarrassing story of adolescence. 

I
regret my words as his demeanor changes.  He drops his fork to the paper plate
resting on the table, not quite angry, but his tone is definitely not playful. 
“Why would you want to know about that?” 

“Just
curious, I guess.  You know about mine, and I suppose I’ve always wanted to
know.”  He shakes his head, looking at the top of the table, probably
contemplating if he wants to share.  I give him an out.  “You don’t have to
tell me if you don’t want to.” 

“No,
deals a deal.  But this is worth ten points.”  He runs his fingers along the
grooves of the slotted table.  It takes a minute, but when he starts to speak I
realize how hard this is.  His voice is shaky.  “I was young, around eleven or
twelve.  My Dad took me on one of his binges to the bar.  Like always, while he
went in and got plastered, I’d stay in the car and wait for him.  I was used to
it.  If it was late, I fell asleep in the backseat.”  Alex pauses.  I reach
forward taking his hand for comfort.  I’m not quite sure if it was to comfort
him or myself. 

 “Eventually,
he came out and he had a woman with him.  He never hid his women from me,
barely hid them from my Mom.  He’s an asshole, Elyssa, even bringing them to
the house.  But this night, we went to some sleazy motel.  He turned on the TV
and told me to keep watching and not look back.  So, that’s what I did.  Even at
my young age, I knew what he was doing.  Even his whore knew it was wrong, me
being in the same room, but he told her to shut the fuck up and ignore me.”

My
heart drops.  Dealing with sexuality is already difficult enough.  Then to add
the fuckedupness of dealing with your Dad’s perverted sexual inhibitions…you
don’t  need to be a psychologist to understand why Alex is the way he is.

“I
was quiet.  I knew my place and I had my ass handed to me enough times that I
learned my lesson. 
Do not interrupt him while he was enjoying himself.
 
But, the woman was complaining.  She kept telling him that it wasn’t working.” 
Alex can see the confusion on my face.

“He
got frustrated cause he couldn’t get it up.  He blamed her, but…he was a
fucking drunk, so I’m sure that crap messed him up.  Next thing I know, I’m
being yanked up by my shoulders and tossed next to a woman three times my age
who smelled like alcohol and cigarettes.”  He stops to take a breath.  “I’ll
never forget how her lipstick was smeared across his lips and chin and the dark
circles under her eyes.”

”Alex…” 
He interrupts me to continue.

“My
Dad moved to the other bed.  He told me what to do.  Told her what to do.  I
refused at first, but after a few punches to the jaw, I just couldn’t take it
anymore.  Shit.  No child should ever have to go through this.”  Alex takes
another breath, tugging at his hair. “Same with her, he roughed her up and
that’s when she realized it was easier to just get it over with.  I learned how
to put a condom on by some floozy that my Dad picked up at a bar.  She rode me
while my Dad watched.

“So
you see, I didn’t have a conventional introduction to sex.  It explains why I
ended up the way I did.  I thought I could do
normal
with you, but
obviously I’m just as fucked up as he was.  I know nothing else, but honestly,
I tried with you.  I honestly did, Elyssa.  It’s a good thing you ended it with
me.  It’s disgusting everything I’ve done.  You don’t deserve that inside you.”

Thankfully
we’re alone, because this conversation just got a little too heavy for
anywhere, especially a roller skating rink.  Alex holds the burden of his past
on his shoulders, which any respectable person knows, as a child it isn’t
something that was his fault.  Which I assume no one has ever told him.  Then
again, I’m sure he hasn’t told anyone the abuse he’s experienced at the hands
of his father.  My eyes fill with tears as I strain to keep my emotions in
check. 

I
attempt to be strong for him but nothing comes out but a whisper, “You were
just a kid, how were you supposed to know.”

“It’s
not just from when I was a kid, Hart.  That might have been my first time.  I
might have been coached by my Dad as he watched me fuck that woman, but I
continued with that perversion for so long that someone as pure as you should
never have anything as disgusting as me even close to her.  I never deserved
you and I was stupid to think that I ever did.”  I open my mouth to contest,
but he stops me.  “I don’t need you to tell me how special I am or that what
happened isn’t my fault.  Been there, done that with therapists.  I’m just
letting you know what’s been going on in my head for the past month.”  He
worries his lip and stares at his fingernails as he toys with his cuticles. 

I
knew he had it rough, but I never realized how deep his wounds really are.  His
Dad literally ruined him.  I know I should tell him that his Dad recently tried
to visit him at work, but know better than to tell him now.  It would only hurt
him more.  I have a feeling, especially after hearing this story, that his Dad
won’t leave well enough alone.  He’ll be back. 

I
squeeze his hand and fight the tears that threaten to escape while my heart
breaks for him.  How do I make this situation better?  What can I say to make
him understand that the person he was or the person he thinks he is has nothing
to do with what I see in him or why I love him?

“You
asked what I was thinking about earlier.”  His sad eyes turn up and meet mine. 
“I was thinking about us, in your office.  The things you’re capable of, not
only with that body and mouth of yours, but how much you love me.  You’re the
first guy who’s ever truly made me feel safe.  That has to speak for
something.”  It’s on the tip of my tongue.  I want to tell him that I’m
pregnant, but after everything he just said, I’m torn.  Will it send him in a
whirlwind spiral into a dark abyss?  Then again, maybe he needs this.  Maybe he
needs to feel something again, and not this loathing pain he’s reveling in. 
Yes.  Right now, I’m going to tell him.

“Alex,
I’m…”  My phone rings breaking my confession.  I look down and notice it’s my
sister.  “I’m sorry, I have to take this, it’s Rachel.”  I hold up my finger to
my lips as I answer my phone.

Even
before I say hello, I hear the incoherent sobs of my sister reaching out
through the phone lines.  I ask Alex for a minute and step away just as his
phone rings.

“Rach? 
What’s wrong?”

“If
he calls you, don’t tell him you’ve talked to me.”  She’s gone from crying to
yelling.

“He
who?  Bryan?”

“Of
course Bryan.  Who else would I be talking about?”  Her voice lowers several
octaves while she takes a few deep breaths which echo through the phone.  “Is
it okay if I stay at your place for a few days?”

“Of
course, Rach.”  I look to Alex still seated at our table, also talking on the
phone, face etched with confusion.  “Are you going to tell me why?”

“Cause
my ex-fiancé is a d-i-c-k, dick.  He thinks he can pull that stupid bros before
hoes bullshit with me.  Ha-fucking-ha.  I don’t need him if he thinks...” 

“Ex? 
Rachel…I’m not taking sides but that doesn’t sound like Bryan.”

“Yah,
go and defend the guy that basically said you were stringing Alex along as if
he was your little puppy on a leash while you had your cake and ate it too with
Oliver.”

“What?” 
I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face.  “This argument is because of me?” 

“He
made a comment making Alex out to be the victim and making it sound as if you
were some coldhearted villain.  He doesn’t know his head from his asshole as
far as I’m concerned.  We started arguing and…then he left to go out with the
guys and didn’t come home till four in the morning.  If he thinks I’m going to
put up with this shit…he has another thing coming.”

“Rach…”

“So,
I left and now I’m on my way to your house.  I have the spare key.  Just don’t
tell him where I’m at.  Please El; I don’t want to see him right now.”   Rachel
can be stubborn at times, but most especially when she’s pissed.

“Do
you need anything?”  I honestly don’t know what to say to her.  I’m incredibly
sad she’s so upset over something that has nothing to do with either of them. 
This is about me and my issues with Alex. 

“Just
a bath and a warm bed.” 

“Well,
my place has both.  Call me if you need anything else.  I should be home
tomorrow.”

Rachel
says goodnight after reminding me once again not to tell Bryan anything.  I’m
sure my sister is blowing his comments out of proportion; however, I can’t say
it doesn’t bother me that Bryan thinks less of me when all I’m trying to do is
protect Alex, not break him.  I sigh in defeat and head back to the table.  I
catch the tail end of Alex’s conversation as I sit down.

“Where
do you think she would go?  No, she’s here in Reno with me.”  Alex lifts his
gaze to meet mine.  “I’m sure she just needs to calm down.  Once she does,
she’ll call you.”  Alex reaches over, readying the fork with another sweet bite
before bringing it up to my mouth.  “I’ll call you if I hear anything.”  He
ends his conversation while I savor another bite.