Shelter You (9 page)

“You’re up. Drive us home chief.”

“You want me to drive us home in
your
truck?”

“Yes,” he says giving me a slow nod. “That’s what I said. I have another car in my garage. If you can drive my truck without incident, I’ll let you use my car to get to work.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, you need to get to work, I have an extra car… Get us home in one piece and it’s at your disposal. It’s really that simple.” He sounds more like a drill sergeant than his normal self right now, but I don’t care. I’m just excited to be able to drive.

“Sometimes I think you’re completely insane,” I say, walking around the car and getting in the driver seat. I turn the ignition and put my seat belt on, Logan does the same.

“I’m not insane, Mia. I’m just trying to help you, and I think you need someone you can turn to for help whether you want to admit it or not.”

I pull out of the parking lot and onto the road, not responding to his last statement. The last time I willingly turned to someone for help I was almost forced to give my daughter up for adoption. That’s not to say I haven’t met good people since then: Kelly the nurse that helped me get out of the hospital with Lily. Sarah for giving me a job and yes Logan. Logan has been more than incredible, which is why I find it so hard to understand the reasons why. I wasn’t always this cynical but sometimes life has a way of beating the optimism out of you.

“People don’t normally do nice things for others without expecting anything in return.”

“What could I possibly want in return?” He reaches over and turns the radio off. I glance down at his hand and images of him touching me with that very hand fill my brain, which is strange because normally the idea of anyone touching me like that is repulsive.

Oh my God, what am I thinking? Having a crush on Logan is one thing but actually entertaining the idea of more, of taking my feelings for him beyond the point of something innocent, is too much of a stretch.

“I’m ah… I’m still trying to figure it out.” I shut down my inappropriate thoughts about Logan and focus my attention on driving. 

I can see him jerk his head to the side from my peripheral vision. “Is that how you really feel about me?”

I let out an exasperated sigh “I don’t know.” What does he want me to say? I can’t figure out what it is that he gets out of helping me, why making sure Lily and I are safe is so important to him, or why I want to believe in him so badly. Have I really been that starved for affection?  

“You’re full of it.” He tosses out, jutting his chin in my direction. “You know I’m a good guy and you just can’t bring yourself to admit it.”

“Maybe.” I concede with a smirk. “Still, I’m sure you can’t wait to get rid of us. You can get us out of your hair in just a few weeks and then you can go back to a life of bachelorhood.”

“Bachelorhood?” He tosses his head back and laughs. “Wow, you’ve got me all figured out huh? A different woman every night of the week.”

I clutch the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white and attempt to mask the frown that is fighting to form on my face. The thought of different women with Logan every night stirs something in me. I feel like a child on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum. In fact, I’m gripped with jealousy, an emotion I’ve never really experienced when I think of Logan with other women.

“What did my truck ever do to you, Mia? You can relax the death grip you have on the steering wheel.”

“Ugh, I’m just concentrating,” I reply, brushing off his comment.

“I have a really demanding job.” The humor is now gone from his voice. “I don’t have a lot of time for dating, and I hardly lead a life of bachelorhood. I want what every one else wants.”

“And what’s that?”

“To find
one
woman to love, to settle down with, build a family with.”

“That’s a nice dream,” I say softly, never taking my eyes off the road in front of me. Of course he wants a family of his own one day. Why would he want to be tied down with a mess of a girl and her child when he could have his picture perfect life?

“Do you have a similar dream?”

A year ago I had so many dreams: I dreamt of going away to college, starting a career and making a life for myself apart from my family. I dreamt of finding an amazing man and falling in love. All the dreams of a girl that were viciously ripped away from her.

“My dreams don’t really matter anymore. All I can do is make sure that Lily has the chance to make her dreams come true.”

“That’s not true. You’re young, you can do whatever you want.”

“How old are you, Logan?”

“I’m twenty four. Why?”

“At age twenty four you have two cars, a home, and a career. What you don’t have is a lack of a college degree, an apartment in shambles, and a baby. You can do whatever you want. I can’t,” I say, knowing all too well that my options were taken away from me, my hands tied. I took back what I could the day I snatched up my daughter and ran. I took back some control but I also signed up for what promises to be a very difficult life.

“What is it that you want?” The tone of sadness returning to his voice.

“Did you know that I had my choice of colleges?”

“You can still go to college, Mia. It might just take you a little longer, but you can make it happen. There are programs for people with children and families.” He says the words but I’m not sure he believes them himself. Not really. He’s saying what he’s supposed to say, words to motivate and inspire me, but in what reality does a single eighteen year old mother get to achieve all of her wildest dreams?

“My focus has shifted. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“No, there is nothing wrong with that as long as that’s what you want,” he says, just as I turn into his driveway.

“So? Did I pass? Do I get to use your car for work?”

“Yeah. You did great, passed with flying colors,” he says, making me grateful that he allows me to drop the previous topic of conversation.

I get to work bright and early the next day. True to his word, Logan gave me full use of his spare car. He made sure to fill up the gas tank, and got Lily’s car seat secured in the back seat last night. I spent most of the night hiding in my room—pretending to read a book, because it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to be around him without letting my imagination get the best of me. He sparks something in me, brings something to life that’s been lying dormant. I could have sworn that I caught him casting glances at me from across the table at dinner last night but I can’t be sure and I’m not confident enough to act on my own urges.

I’m working the front desk this morning since the normal receptionist is out sick. I prefer being in class with the children, but I do whatever they ask of me because I need the job.

“Good morning Mia,” Sarah says as she enters the front door. She sets her oversized sunglasses down on the desk and tilts her head looking somewhat confused. “Is Officer Tate here for something? His car is in the parking lot.”

The fact that she can specifically pick his car out of a parking lot full of vehicles intrigues me. “No, Logan’s not here, I drove his car here.”

Something resembling jealousy flashes over her features. She purses her lips and gives me a tight smile.

I know I could have explained the circumstances better, let her know the reason why I’m driving Logan’s car instead of walking to work, but a part of me wanted to witness what Sarah’s natural reaction would be. The frozen look on her face and stiff posture speaks volumes, and as grateful as I am to her for the giving me a job and keeping my secret, I can tell I need to be on alert now. The nature of our friendly relationship may have just shifted.

“You’re on a first name basis with him? I hadn’t realized you two had gotten that close. Does he know the truth about you,
Mia
?”

I don’t respond to her question right away, I understand the hidden meaning behind it. She’s threatening to tell him, but I give her a bright smile. “Lily and I are staying with Logan, so he’s letting me use his car…and yes. He knows the truth,” I say, just as the phone rings.

I love this phone right now, I pick up the receiver never taking my eyes off of Sarah and keeping my smile intact. Her shock is evident as she leaves me to my work and heads back to her office. I’m stunned by the fact that she has feelings for Logan and even more stunned at how angry that makes me.

After work, I stop at the grocery store with Lily and pick up a few ingredients so that I can cook dinner. Logan has done so much for me that the least I can do is make him a meal. The rest of the day at work was awkward to say the least. Sarah and I went out of our way to avoid each other, and it seemed as though neither of us wanted to discuss my relationship with Logan. I thought of nothing else for most of the day—my relationship with Logan, if you can even call it that, and his relationship with Sarah. I keep wondering if she’s really just his sister’s friend or if there’s something more between them.

When I get home I place Lily in her baby swing and get started on making dinner right away. I opt to make pork chops with rice pilaf and baked potatoes. It’s a simple meal I taught myself how to cook but I’m excited to be able to make it for Logan. I turn on some music and focus on cooking dinner, allowing the stress of the day to fade away. I let the music soothe me, loosen me up and carry my thoughts away. By the time Logan gets home I’m completely zoned out. My head is rocking back and forth to the beat of the music, I’m lost in the rhythm, and I don’t hear him approach. He taps me on the shoulder and startles me, snapping me back to reality. I jump, pull out of his reach and let out a shriek. I turn to see Logan standing there with a remorseful look on his face.

“Shit, are you alright?” He questions, then shrugs his shoulders. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I clutch my chest and close my eyes. My heart is pounding in my ears and my hands have a slight tremble to them. I try to breathe through the feeling of panic that has washed over me and I hope he doesn’t notice just how scared I actually was a minute ago.

I take a deep breath open my eyes and force the words out of my mouth. “No, it’s okay. I’m fine. You just surprised me that’s all.”

“I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that. It was stupid of me.” He looks at me intently. He can see that my fear wasn’t just a normal reaction, that it’s very real, but he says nothing. I don’t want him to say anything, to ask me questions that I can never answer—questions that are too difficult, too painful to answer. I move away from him and turn the music off.

“It’s okay, Logan.” I smile, trying to reassure him. “I was in my own little world and didn’t realize you’d gotten home already. I think maybe the break in at my apartment affected me more that I realized, made me a little jittery. That’s all.”

He lets out a sigh and nods. “That makes sense.”

I think he accepts my explanation but I can’t be sure. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes,” I say, attempting to change the subject as quickly as possible.

He turns in the direction of the stove and smiles. “You didn’t have to do that but I appreciate it. Thanks.”

“I wanted to.”

He’s wearing his police uniform; it looks different on him today. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in it when it doesn’t intimidate me or even frighten me. I can see the man behind it, I can see that Logan wears the uniform it doesn’t wear him and it looks amazing on him.

“Do I have time for a quick shower?”

“Sure, I’ll keep it warm for you,” I reply, using the time away from him to gather my thoughts and calm myself down.

Logan and I sit at the dining room table eating. I’d fed Lily while he showered and she is now sleeping up in her room. We eat most of the meal in companionable silence with little strings of conversation here and there. We’re just about done when he finally asks about my day.

“How was work?”

“It was okay,” I say, taking a final sip of my drink. I stand up, taking my plate and his to the sink. “I think Sarah was kind of shocked that I was driving your car. She was even more stunned by the fact that I’m staying here.” There’s a question hidden in that statement and I know he gets it. I turn on the water and begin to rinse off the plates.