She's Asking for It! (19 page)

Dress nice for when he comes home from work. Have whatever his equivalent of “slippers, pipe and newspaper” is waiting for him when he comes in. Give him a backrub. Make his favorite meal. Ask him if there is anything at all you can do for him, and let him tell you … explicitly. Then, he can “reward” you with big manly-man sex at the end of the night – or in the middle of your preparations, across the kitchen counter.

If you really don’t know where to start when it comes to role-playing and sexy fun, look in the “games” section of your favorite online or bricks and mortar sex toy store. There are lots of options for couples who need a little inspiration to get things started.

No matter what the scenario, it should play out like a good porn film: there is a ruse to the two of you being together in the same room, she is flirty, he gets aggressive, and it ends with the tension and the passion levels so high that he finally has to take her and ravish her, and it can even be right there where you’ve set your scene. The key to role-playing is never to break the mood. For the time that you’re doing it, feel free to lose yourself in the moment and become that other character. Many couples have said that this helps them greatly in their sexual experiments.

This is a great opportunity to hone your dirty-talk skills. By saying the things you want to say as your character, they can come easier to you and you can become more comfortable saying even the raunchiest things. Also, with role-playing, you can leave the dirty talk there in the scenario. It can be less embarrassing later, if you are someone who simply cannot get the hang of speaking with some spice.

Chapter 20 - This Too Shall Pass

What you need to understand about all this fun play is that there is a powerful psychological dynamic going on, a dynamic that you introduced when you decided to delve deep into a new way of making love. What might seem like fun in the heat of the moment, to either one of you, once replayed in the mind in the light of day can be interpreted any number of ways, some of them scary or confusing. This is something that both of you will have to watch out for and keep a close eye on in your daily communication.

From his perspective, he might become embarrassed by acting in a way that might seem too different from his normal demeanor. He might not like himself for acting that way. “Is there something wrong with me because I like it too much? Does it mean I am less of a man because I don’t like it?” You get the idea.

You might feel this kind of guilt and embarrassment too. You might wonder if he’s thinking you’re a secret slut. You might feel ashamed of what you’ve been doing. “Is it wrong to want this?”

Also, despite your assurances, thoughts about your sex life might creep in to your ideas about the relationship in general. Is this desire sprouting up because you’re not happy in the relationship, and you’re just blocking out the reality of the situation?

Whew! Take a breath. It’s OK. Let’s review a couple of truths:

1. Despite the fact that you’ve been less than thrilled with what is happening in the bedroom, you are in a loving, committed relationship with a man who cares about you deeply. If not, you need to work on your relationship, not your sex life.
   

1. This is not “wrong.” You are two consenting adults who love each other and want to play a bit with your sexual dynamic. This is a perfectly normal urge that can happen in the development of any sexual relationship.
   

1. While it might feel wild for the two of you, on the grand scale of sexual experimentation, kinks and fetishes, it really isn’t even remotely freaky. You are simply enhancing the traditional roles of males and females in the bedroom. This is a far cry from, say, orgies, “water sports” (urinating on each other) or beating each other with whips and binding each other with chains. There is
   nothing
   wrong with sexual experimentation, so long as everyone involved in safe and consenting.
   

When She’s Just Not That Into It

That said, another truth is that once you get into it with your partner, you might realize it’s not nearly as exciting as you had fantasized. Again, this is totally and completely OK! There are any number of perfectly legitimate reasons why this might be the case.

Not all fantasies need to be brought to life in order to be exciting. Some are simply more titillating when they’re left in the mind. If this sounds like what you’re thinking, it’s OK to let the initiative you took kind of go by the wayside in terms of action. You can always fantasize about it on your own time, if you get my drift.

Once you start acting out your fantasies with your partner, it might occur to you that it wasn’t your partner you were fantasizing about in the role of alpha male. Again, don’t worry about it! It is perfectly healthy to have fantasies featuring men other than your partner. Heck, it’s perfectly healthy to have fantasies about women as well!

This might be a bit about the roles involved in what you’re doing. You might want to play the innocent young girl who’s being taken advantage of by an older, more experienced man, acting out the role of some completely different person - anything is fair game in fantasies. It’s only natural that while you’re playing a certain role in your mind, you are picturing someone else in the other role. Heck, you might even be picturing someone else in
your
role. The mind is a fertile ground for planting seeds of fantasy, things that might never be able to come true in real life. If this kind of fantasy makes you hot and allows your sex life to be more exciting and interesting, go for it!

Also, the thought that you’re actually doing this together might make some part of you uncomfortable. There are scores of women everywhere who have a hard time being up front about sex and asking for, and receiving, what they want in the bedroom. If this sounds like you, then perhaps fantasizing that someone else is doing all of this is pretty normal.

Of course, it might not be as good as you fantasized about simply because it isn’t. So, your next question should be, why?

Have you given it enough time? This is an ongoing process, and it might take a good deal of time for you two to “click” when trying out new things in bed – particularly if you’ve been having the same kind of sex for a long time, or if you haven’t been feeling a connection with each other during your lovemaking for a while.

Maybe it’s because your desire for male assertiveness isn’t sexually based; perhaps you’re reacting to the feeling that you’re wearing the pants in this relationship, and you don’t love it.  If after taking a good, hard look this appears to be true, then leave the bedroom antics alone and work on your relationship.

When He’s Just Not Into It

It might not be working because his heart really isn’t in it. He might simply not enjoy treating you a certain way, or not derive any pleasure in being dominant in the bedroom. It happens! Perhaps you can talk about it and find something that would be mutually exciting, and get to work on that.

To be blunt, it could be because your guy sucks at it. If you’ve tried everything you can think of and he’s just not getting it, then you have a couple of choices.

For one, you can rent porn and watch it together, showing/telling him how hot certain scenes make you. In this case, porn can literally act as an instruction book! Sometimes, men need to be hit over the head with directions.

If he sucks at it because he’s just being too timid, but seems to be into it otherwise, you can show/tell him in bed by really going over the top a few times. You can get a little forceful, say, by making him spank you until it’s at the force you want, or by ratcheting up the dirty talk to XXX-level.

But, if he really just plain sucks at it, it’s OK to drop it and go back to sexy alone time with your fantasies. Again, now that he’s at least open to experimentation, you can find something that pleases you both, perhaps with something of the same kinds of elements involved, which would bring him to that point from another direction.

The thing I really do want to stress, though, is that you make sure that this is only about sexual experimentation and not about your relationship outside the bedroom. I bring this up again, because sometimes it can be so hard to separate the two.

For example, there is the phrase “make-up sex” for a reason; sometimes, sex after an argument can be a healer, or it seals a new agreement or compromise made by the two of you. There is a powerful psychological connection between you during this kind of sex, and chances are your man is more assertive than ever during make-up sex.

Therefore, you might try to get a rise out of him, as it were, by picking a fight with him that you know will lead to make-up sex, whether it’s just so you can feel that assertion coming through, or as a way to tell him afterward that that is the kind of sex you’re talking about.

I implore you to fight this urge. Angry sex, or make-up sex, or any sex that comes out of an emotional state of mind from nonsexual events, will only serve to hurt both of you in the end. This is simply not the way to go about doing it, no matter how hot it is as it is happening.

However, the dynamic might swing the other way too. Maybe you and your partner had great sex in the beginning of your relationship. Often, a man will be more assertive during sex as a way to claim you as his own, or to impress you, or any variety of reasons. Or, it could just have been that the two of you were more adventurous in the beginning, as you pushed the boundaries and got to know each other’s bodies and sexual preferences.

But, as you became an item, committed to each other and relaxed into your lives together, so too did your sex life relax. It’s perfectly normal, and livening up the proceedings with a bit of sexual experimentation can be just the ticket to put the spark back into your relationship.

What if the problem isn’t with your sexual relationship? It might be with your relationship as a whole, or some other specific issue, and instead of asking yourself the tough questions about your current situation and how it might affect your future, you prefer to channel your unhappiness with him as a life partner into “fixing” him as a sexual partner.