She's Asking for It! (13 page)

If you like to be wooed, take the time to relax together with a soothing bath, or exchange massages to some sensual music. Lay a towel or throw down on the bed to catch any extra oil, then lather on something soft, soothing and above all natural. Coconut oil and cocoa butter work quite well, even an extra virgin olive oil can be nice, although a bit messy. Learn how to create special scents using essential oils or simply soak your favorite flower petals in a bit of oil in the sun to absorb their scent and warm the oil.

The things you use to spice up your sex life can be completely innocuous items that look like every day attire – clothes, candles, delicious foods, blankets and pillows, even some of the “sex furniture” sold at toy stores can pass as a cushion! If you have lots of fun toys and need to keep them private, just get a locking toolbox or other case and store it under the bed where it’s within easy reach.

In The Mood

We use the phrase “in the mood” a lot when we’re talking about sex, but what does that mean for you? I’m sure there are times when you can be in the mood for sex, but not in the mood for the kind of rough and tumble play that we’re talking about now. What determines how “in the mood” you are and what kind of mood you’re in?

Many women will find that their desires for playing with an alpha male come cyclically, perhaps when they are ovulating. Men may find a hard day at work or a competitive game gets their juices flowing. Stress, excitement, even certain foods or smells can inspire feelings that lead you down this path. Pinpointing the things that do this for you and sharing them with your partner can help you both to set the scene for the other when the need or want arises.

Getting to the point where you can communicate a desire to your partner without words and have it fulfilled in a seamless experience may take some time. Until then, it’s important to learn what to say and when to say it, even if it seems like it could be awkward. Words may have the ability to ruin the mood, but they definitely also have the power to set it on just the right path, if you know what to say when the time is right.

Chapter 14 - Hot Talk and Magic Movies

Now we’re ready to talk about the good stuff! Before we get rolling here, I would like to reiterate some important points we went over in the advice for women and the advice for men sections of this book. It’s really important to understand the basics, and this also will serve as a primer for you bad boys and girls who skipped ahead!

A woman wanting her man to be more assertive or dominant in the bedroom is not a reflection on the relationship at all. While experimenting with alpha male tactics during sex might put a spark into your relationship, all in all this is simply about what goes on between the sheets.

If either of you have read this book and your thoughts keep drifting back to instances in your day-to-day relationship where things might need some work, then stop here and focus on your relationship. You can come back to this book once your relationship is back to being a healthy and happy one. A broken relationship is no way to start experimenting.

Similarly, this advice is not for new couples or for casual sexual encounters. There needs to be a trusting bond between you, and that comes with time and experience with each other. There is a lot of communication necessary to make this a successful sexual endeavor; anything less, and you risk being misunderstood at a crucial moment.

One more time I’ll make it clear that this book
is NOT about is BDSM techniques
. That stands for Bondage (physical restraint) – Discipline (rules, regulations, protocol) – Sadism (the enjoyment of inflicting pain onto others) – Masochism (the enjoyment or receiving pain). We’re talking about a whole other ball of wax here. If you really are looking for more hardcore sex advice, this might serve as an excellent, albeit extremely introductory guide to the power dynamic behind BDSM.

Just remember, in no way are you delving that deep into kink, so don’t assume that this has to be the beginning of something more serious or strange. If you are interested in BDSM, then I encourage you to do some lengthy research before even thinking about engaging in it. It’s not just all whips and chains, but a lot of work and dedication, a lot of learning and skill, a lot of psychological exploration and some very serious consideration! Why not try something a bit subtler for now and see where it goes?

A Word to the Women:

Remember, make sure you have a clearly defined idea of what you want from your man when you say you want him to be more assertive in the bedroom. This will help you define boundaries later on.

Also, keep in mind that at no time do you have to continue with this type of sex play. We’ll talk about this more in a bit, but just because you brought it up doesn’t mean you have to see it through. If you are ever uncomfortable, or if it just plain isn’t doing it for you, then stop and figure out what’s going on before you try anything more.

To get your man to alpha male status, you’re going to have to give him some direction and there might have to be some strange conversations about what you want. Keep in mind that your man loves you and wants you to be happy! Once he gets the hang of it, it’s going to be fun for him too!

The major point you need to make sure your man understands perfectly is that this is not a reflection of his masculinity. This is a sexual desire
you
have, that
he can
fulfill for you, something
only
he can fulfill for you, because he is the man you love and desire.

A Word to the Men:

Guys, I understand this might be a new and strange thing for you, so I’d like to remind you of a few things as we move on to the down and dirty techniques of being more sexually dominant.

As we told the ladies above, and as your own lady should be telling you, just because she wants you to be more assertive in the bedroom does not mean she is questioning your manhood. It doesn’t mean she wants you to beat her or be intentionally cruel. Your role in this endeavor is to LISTEN to what she’s telling you, and to make a concerted effort to be on her same wavelength once you start getting busy. She’ll let you know what she wants; she’ll let you know when what you’re doing isn’t working; and she probably won’t need to tell you, in so many words, when it
is
working.

Safe Words:

While I have stressed above that male assertiveness in the bedroom has nothing to do with the BDSM culture, we are going to take a page from their book, just to be extra cautious. Let’s talk about safe words.

Safe words are traditionally used in instances when there is a level of pain involved in the sex play, or if the situation requires, as part of some kind of role-playing, that one or the other partner says, “No” or “Stop” but is not supposed to mean it. Of course, couples who have used them successfully for this particular intention often end up using them in their daily interactions, to call off an argument or simply to communicate that they are overwhelmed, confused, scared or just plain need a time out.

We’re going to get into some of the more intense games the two of you can play at a point later in the book, but anytime you are dealing with a shift in power dynamic, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Simply put, a safe word is a word or short phrase that can communicate quickly and easily that something needs to change or stop immediately. Common safe words are color names, city names or state names – things that have nothing to do with whatever kind of play you are trying out – but the most commonly used is a simple “red, yellow, green” light system.

With these words,
red
is used to mean “stop everything now, something is wrong”,
yellow
says “the thing we’re doing right now isn’t working for me, let’s transition to something else” and generally signals a change in position or gives the person using the word a chance to clarify what’s going on without breaking the mood too much.
Green
is often used to communicate to your partner that everything is fine and you are really enjoying yourself, especially if they are hesitating or unsure if it’s working.

If you’re ever in a situation where the safe word is spoken – again, by either of you – and you’ve stopped your play immediately, don’t break apart or hop out of bed and get dressed.  It takes courage to say a safe word, and it can leave both of you feeling vulnerable. Make sure to hug, cuddle, lie together and be very gentle with each other afterward. This is not a time for blame, an argument, or stony silence.  Let the moment pass, get to a mental place where you both feel calm and secure, and then you can talk about what happened, and how it can be changed or avoided next time around.

The next time you have sex, it should be in a more “traditional” style, and it should be more about lovemaking than about any kind of experimentation or any rough-and-tumble sex. When you have reconnected intimately, you can work your way back up to whatever you want to do.

LET’S START OUT WITH SOME DIRTY TALK

Before the two of you get down to business, a bit of dirty talk might be just the ticket to get you on the same wavelength. It’s also a good way to set the boundaries of your assertive sex play without having to stop for a serious conversation. And hey, talking dirty is fun!

While it might be uncomfortable at first, there are real benefits to talking dirty when you are embarking on a journey of sexual exploration.  For one, as I’ve just said, it helps set boundaries in a casual, no pressure environment. For example, let’s say you’re having phone sex. You’re getting each other all hot and bothered, and then he suggests something that’s way over the top, say, slapping your face when you have said something about being especially naughty.

Now, there is a chance you might love it, but there is a chance you really, really won’t. If he were to take that chance physically, it could get ugly. But by taking that chance in words only, he’s giving her the opportunity to say, “Yes, Baby, slap me again” or “Oh no, Baby, be gentle with your pet” or whatever you’ve got going on. No harm, no foul. You’ve both learned something, and you can move on without any ramifications.

During sex, dirty talk can also make things more exciting without actually having to “go there.” The two of you could be having totally normal, traditional, “boring” sex, but by talking up a blue streak about fantastic circumstances or some different roles that really turn you on, you have the opportunity to transport yourselves to places you might not be able to go in real life.

For our purposes – that is, to allow men the chance to be more assertive, more alpha male, more in control of what’s going on in that bedroom of yours – a woman should be the one to start the ball rolling. Your fantasy should communicate what you want, without making it sound like a complaint or a laundry list!

And guys, it’s your job to listen closely and follow her lead, at least at first. Once you have a better idea of what she’s into and not so into, you can really start to pick up that ball and run with it. You can test the boundaries of your alpha male kingdom without being worried about taking it too far or not far enough.