She's Asking for It! (9 page)

Write out some sexual fantasies, think about what you want to happen and see if you can’t pinpoint a few of the reasons why you want it to happen. If you can explain yourself to him in simple but detailed points, he will have a much easier time understanding your needs and desires. It’s really up to you. At this point, you are literally only limited by your imagination. There is nothing off limits, but you have to discover exactly what this desire is all about. There is no rulebook saying that you have to do everything on your fantasy list, because truly not all fantasies translate well into reality. Just identify the desires you have and some of the reasons you might be seeking them. Once you know, you’re off to the races!

Chapter 8 - Easing Into It

You’re ready and itching to get into the really good stuff, I know it. This may be a new and surprising fantasy, or it could be a long-time desire of yours that you are finally ready to discover with your lover. Reading this book is a great start. If you haven’t given it to him so he can read Part One, the time is now! In fact, both Part One and (most of) Part Two can be read together, going through the learning process as a couple. Your next step, before you have the “big talk” is to understand his perspective in this ongoing saga.

It’s Not Easy Being Alpha

First off, when it comes right down to it, being a tough guy isn’t easy in this world, especially for men who don’t come to it naturally. You don’t want him to become a different person. You love him and you want both of you to grow together. Take it easy on your partner as you work through this journey. Try not to get frustrated when things don’t go exactly as you wish (because trust me, it will happen) and allow yourself to go with the flow. Give him lots of encouragement and take your time explaining to him how all this works for you. Allow him time to explain how it is (or is not) working for him.

As you can imagine, any amount of control can be an uncomfortable responsibility for a man to take on, especially when it comes to an often-fragile part of a relationship. Think about how
your man
was raised: “Be nice to girls,” “No means no,” “Sexual harassment is a serious problem and any kind of interaction from mildly flirty to overtly sexual can be taken the wrong way if one isn’t careful.” Their relationships with women, even nonsexual relationships, have become veritable minefields of feared missteps or misinterpretations.

So here you are on the one side with these desires, which come from a complicated place in your heart and mind, and you don’t want to talk about these desires for fear of being labeled as something you’re not; and on the other side is your man, who loves you and cherishes you and never wants to do you any harm or suggest in any way that you are anything less than equal, but who wants nothing more in the bedroom than to please you.

I’m sure by now you’re thinking, “Forget it! That’s a conversation I don’t
ever
want to have.” You’re cringing, aren’t you, with the thought of how awkward it will be? Don’t worry. I understand that your initial reaction might be to shy away from desires that might make your life more complicated, but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be awkward, contentious or even all that formal. There are many ways, both verbally and non-verbally, that you can let your partner know that you would like him to be more assertive when it comes to your sexual relationship, as soon as you know what you want.

Don’t Kill the Nice Guy

You love your man, so just because you want him to be a bit rougher between the sheets doesn’t mean you want him to turn into a complete jerk, right? You want to be clear with him that a little sexual fun and games, a little bit of extra excitement is all you’re looking for – you don’t want to change his personality or make him into something he’s not.

Before you start asking for something a bit different, he really needs to know what things he does that
are
working for you. Be sure to compliment him and show him your love, respect and appreciation throughout the day, so he knows that you aren’t looking to turn him into a new man.

Playing with a new power dynamic isn’t about changing a person. This is about playing a new game, enjoying a new “hobby” and learning the new skills that go along with it! If you were going to take up tennis, you would need new equipment, a rulebook, probably some training videos and maybe even a personal coach!

For this, all you need is to keep reading and you’ll have everything you need to start playing something totally new. And while it might all be fun and games, it’s still important to know the rules and get prepared beforehand, so let’s go over some tips for introducing the idea of adding some assertiveness into your sexual relationship.

Chapter 9 - You’re Asking For It

OK, Ladies, so you know what you want. You may have already spent hours dreaming about what you want. Now it’s all about knowing how to get it. The introspective waiting period is over, so get ready to have what could end up being some really fun conversations! Yes, yes … I said
conversations
. You were expecting the really good stuff already? Nope, now it’s time to start talking, with your hips and your lips, and letting your man know in no uncertain terms exactly what you want him to do.

Tell It Like It Is

Remember that little game of “Show & Tell” you participated in as a kid? Well there is a good reason that the “show” part comes first! A well articulated demonstration is the best way to get any point across, and get the both of you to the point of feeling comfortable “telling” with your words. At the very least, it should warm your lover up to the idea without too much awkward hemming and hawing. An awful lot of good stuff can happen in the heat of the moment and by introducing some of the basic elements of “rough sex” during your usual lovemaking, you can open up the door to more assertiveness for your man, especially if you take him a bit by surprise.

This little surprise can include a variety of actions, that you can do or you can prompt him to do to you. For example, when you’re in the house, grab him, back yourself up against a wall and pull him into you for a long, deep, passionate kiss, allowing him to “pin” you there for as long as he likes. You may find that’s all it takes to get him going in the morning.

You can also initiate some dirty talk, although this doesn’t have to be a full-on filthy conversation, at least not at first! You can begin with something as simple as moaning and groaning. If you are still able to articulate words but are a bit shy, start by saying his name, telling him what you really enjoy. After you’ve got the ball rolling, you can move on to almost anything that sets you ablaze. It’s best if you start the talk and then ask him to respond or to repeat something you’ve said. Ask him questions – tell him how good something you’re doing feels, ask him to tell you how good it is for him as well!

When he’s become comfortable with that level of discourse, you’ll want to move your conversation into giving a bit of direction. If you’re doing it doggie-style, you can ask him to spank you, or tell him to hold you down or grab your hair. Tell him to give it to you harder. If a guy thinks he has a good chance of really seeing you explode into ecstasy, he’ll take any kind of direction that he can easily place in his own frame of reference.

When you’ve got “showing” down pat, and “telling” is working out OK, try combining the two. Say you want him to pull your hair – try grabbing his hand in yours, fingers intertwined, putting his hand to the back of your head and making a fist. Tell him how good it feels and how much you like it. He shouldn’t find it too difficult to take the hint!

Another good tactic to try is to get him really hot and bothered, with
a lot
of teasing, to the point where he just can’t take it anymore … then lie back and say, “Have your way with me” or, “Do with me what you will.” If you make him hungry enough and then let him have free reign, his own alpha male desires should be well in control.

Examples like these, at least in the beginning stages, all have to do with you giving direction – and while that can be empowering, in the end you really want him to take over and be the assertive one who comes up with all these ideas on his own. That is the point after all, isn’t it?

The way to make that transition is to talk about what you’ve already been doing in the bedroom once you’ve started introducing these more aggressive elements yourself. You don’t have to schedule a meeting, or take notes, or implement a plan of attack. This does not have to be a governmental debriefing! Be cool and casual, smooth and sexy. Make it hot, and he’ll respond with exactly what you need from him … feedback.

Getting Verbal

Post-coital conversations are a good place to start talking. Recall the specific things he did to you – even if they were prompted by you – and reinforce how much they turned you on. If you feel like this might be awkward, pretend that you’re describing your favorite parts of your favorite film, or a really delicious part of a wonderful erotic story.

To further reinforce his feelings, you can send text messages or emails at random times: “Still thinking about that spanking! Yummy!” Or, you can set up a dirty date (with you!), and make it perfectly clear to him that he can have his way with you tonight. Again, little messages are good for relaying this, as talking it to death is going to make both of you too self-conscious to be able to really enjoy it. Slip a note into his bagged lunch or briefcase (but make sure it’s hidden in something for your man’s eyes only – no need to go broadcasting the night’s activities to the whole office). Leave him a little voicemail (go for the cell phone and not the office line) and entice him with the details of what the two of you have got cooking for dessert.

This should all be taken on and expanded upon gradually so you and your man don’t get overwhelmed with it all. Even if you do go nice and slow, he might want to ask you what’s going on. After all, one of the signs of a cheating partner is that their sexual tastes change, particularly after a period of lackluster lovemaking between the two of you. This is all strange and new to him and while it might have secretly been one of his fantasies as well, it’s still going to take some getting used to.

Don’t take offense, but do your best to explain the changes you’ve made in the bedroom. There are two important elements to this conversation: that you don’t get defensive, and that you don’t place the blame at his feet. “Well, you weren’t making me happy in the bedroom, so I decided to make some changes” is not the right answer! Assert that you are simply exploring new facets of your own desire, that adventure is fun and exciting, and that you want to adventure with him and no one else.

A man’s ego bruises a lot more easily than you think, so there’s no need to bring up what you might perceive as an inability on his part. This doesn’t have to be a protracted discussion. It can be as simple as, “It has been making me so hot recently when you’re all manly and dominant in the bedroom, I thought we could go further in that direction. Let’s have some fun!” Or, you can talk about it in terms of your fantasies of being man-handled, so to speak. Remember all the things you wrote about in your journaling exercises? Explain to him that you have been thinking about certain fantasies lately and then tell him why, in as much detail as possible. If necessary, ask him to read along the earlier section with you and point out parts that really spoke to you.