She's Asking for It! (8 page)
You know that moment, oh, I don’t know, about 30 seconds before you’re about to have an orgasm? When your thrusts get that much deeper, that much harder, that much faster? When your mind falls off a cliff into oblivion? Well, we love that part. And if your girl wants you to get rough, those 30 seconds are your window of opportunity to find out.
You see, we know you kind of lose it during that time. And if you want to be a bit rough – if you want to pull her hair, or smack her ass, or grab her breasts particularly hard, she’s going to let you do it, if she has an ounce of love for you in her heart and is enjoying herself even a fraction as much as you are in that moment.
They key, though – and this is the hard part – is to see how she reacts. Does she let you do what you’re doing because she knows what’s coming, no pun intended? Or does she whole-heartedly join in, grabbing you and gritting her teeth and maybe biting you a bit? Does she have an instant orgasm right along with you? If it’s the latter, you have a green light to talk to her about experimenting with assertiveness.
When you use tactics like the ones above, or any other form of experimentation in the bedroom, there is bound to be some level of rejection, no matter how small. This is perfectly normal, and should not be taken as a reflection on you or your lover-man skills, Stud!
Even when you choose the right time and you’re feeling the love, you still might be rejected outright. Hey, women are like snowflakes, remember?
But the fear of rejection can be a powerful motivator to do absolutely nothing – and that’s the worst. Don’t let your fear of rejection keep you from making what you feel is a bold, assertive move – from reaching over and kissing her, to being her dream man in the bedroom. If you feel that fear creeping up, return to your affirmations from earlier.
The most important thing here is that you only do what feels comfortable for you. As in no other time or place in your relationship, confidence in the bedroom is key, and if you’re trying out a whole bunch of wacko stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable, weird or at all unlike yourself, she’s going to sense that and close up like a clam, quite literally.
The thing to keep in mind in order to keep that confidence high is that what happens in the bedroom is about your mutual pleasure. They don’t call it “making love” just to be cheesy and embarrass you. For loving couples, sex of every stripe is the expression of the love you feel for each other. There’s no need to hide from that. Sex is as natural as anything else on this earth, and your confidence in that fact will help you by leaps and bounds when you’re getting it on.
When your confidence is high, you’re going to be more relaxed with your partner. When you’re more relaxed, you’re going to be more in tune with what she wants, and less worried about it – which is good, since worrying will get you exactly nowhere.
Part Two: For the Women
Chapter 7 - Do You Know What You Want?
Alright ladies, it’s time to make a change in your sex life and explore the possibilities, time for you to get upfront and open with yourself and your lover. Are you ready to admit that feeling that’s been lurking at the edge of your mind?
LET’S BE HONEST. THERE’S SOMETHING MISSING.
There is something, even if you aren’t sure what it is, that your husband or boyfriend isn’t doing that you wish he would. If there weren’t, you wouldn’t be here, would you? I’m not talking about the dishes, or fashion sense, or table manners, or any of the little things that might sometimes bother you. I’m talking about that nagging feeling you don’t really talk about with him, and probably not with your girlfriends either. This book is about how your man does, or does not, satisfy you in the bedroom.
If you’re anything like most women out there, you’ve probably dated a bad boy or two in the past. While you learned soon enough that they’re not really long-term relationship material, come on and admit it, ladies: Your bad boy rocked your world in bed.
He was a total and complete asshole, he never called, he was probably cheating on you, and if he thought about you for five minutes after seeing you, it was a special day ... and not because it was your birthday, which he almost certainly forgot. You’re better off without him in your life, I can tell you that! But there was something that attracted you to him in the first place, wasn’t there?
Once you came to your senses, you found a wonderful man who actually cares about you. You feel, perhaps for the first time in your life, that there is a true partnership between you: you are not just dating, playing the field, or knocking boots. You’re with him for the long haul and you can’t wait to see what the future brings for you both. The mutual trust, respect and admiration you have for each other are the solid foundation of a strong, healthy and happy relationship. But, what happens when all that happy romantic love gets down to business in the bedroom? Not exactly what you were hoping for, perhaps?
Oh, the sex is fine … great even. You feel a connection with him that you’d only read about in books. So much of it feels so right, it’s like your bodies were made for each other - two puzzle pieces that together make the whole picture. But, when it comes to the down and dirty business of that knee-shaking, earth-quaking, too-weak-to-stand kind of sex, sometimes all that love and respect just seems to get in the way. Perhaps you sense a bit of timidity on his part. It can seem like he’s afraid to go too far with the passion he so obviously feels for you. Maybe he has balked when you’ve suggested something a little kinky, or maybe you’re too nervous to suggest anything at all!
Meanwhile, you feel like you’re the one doing all the work, because although he knows your body well and makes you feel great, he’s still not touching that part of your sexuality that sends you into the stratosphere. What your man lacks, and what the bad boys of this world have, use and abuse, is the alpha male touch.
What is an alpha male? He is all man. He knows what he wants, and he’s not afraid to get it. He calls the shots and he knows how to make you feel like a woman. An alpha male doesn’t have to be an asshole, nor does he need to treat women with disrespect. It’s just that he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it!
The problem of course is that your man can’t just magically become an alpha male. He’s not psychic! And when you have been in a relationship for a while, it can be terribly awkward to suddenly do something drastically different within the boundaries established by precedent. The good news is, though, that he can be the man you need him to be in the bedroom and still be the man you love everywhere else. He just needs a little direction to get him going.
The key is communication, but before you broach this subject, you have to know how to define exactly what it is you’re looking for. Let’s see if we can figure it out together.
Some women want simply to have their men call the shots in bed. They want to feel like he has a little bit of control, because it makes them feel more feminine. There can be something very seductive and titillating about a man who knows exactly what he wants from a woman. It is incredibly empowering to have a man want you so badly that he is willing to risk sounding pushy or releasing his passions in order to have you exactly the way he wants you!
Other women like alpha males in their beds because they want to feel, even if it’s just for those moments, like a sexual object. They’re tired of proving they’re worthy because of their brains or their power plays at work – they want to be worshipped for the goddesses they are and have a man look at them with raw, unadulterated lust in his eyes!
Another, more psychological motivator behind this desire to be “man-handled,” in whatever way is best for you can come from a need to be absolved of all responsibility for the pleasure you feel. Women grow up with the phrase, “be a good girl” burned into our brains from a very early age. A lot of times, it’s used as an admonishment when we’ve been acting out. As we get older, the phrase takes on a whole new meaning. Being a “good girl” can mean dressing a certain way so as not to appear too slutty; not provoking boys, or being too aggressive; waiting to date, or make out, or as we get of age, have sex. Being “good” means being “innocent” and naïve.
When “good girls” are finally all grown up, this mindset is still reinforced in every possible corner of our society. Even “Sex And The City,” for all the talk about liberating the female sexually, still presented sex as something to be giggled over, and many of the ladies’ conversations were about the worry of wanting “too much” in bed, or about the fear of being “slutty.”
So it will come as no surprise that so many women feel that they maybe shouldn’t have too much pleasure during sex or that if they demand what they want it will be misinterpreted in a myriad of ways: that they’re easy, or pushy, or have too much experience. This is often portrayed as threatening to men, and causing other women to revile them. We’ve learned to sit back and take it, so to speak. Even women who have been sexually abused or raped are sometimes accused of “asking for it,” and are shamed for their victimization, their survival. We are taught to feel guilty about wanting pleasure, and we feel ashamed after having sought it. We are taught that the pleasure and happiness of our partners and our families should be our constant focus.
By “giving in” to an alpha male who controls the sexual agenda within the confines of a healthy relationship, we are liberated from these thoughts and fears. When you are with an alpha male, you feel you have been given permission to show pleasure. After all, it’s not your fault; he’s the one who’s making you get all hot and bothered! We can be as “slutty,” as wanton, as “dirty” and “naughty” as possible, because it’s what our partner wants, and his pleasure is what’s important. Being told how beautiful and amazing we are in these moments of pleasure, being loved and cherished both during hot, steamy sex
and
afterward, can allow us to release some of these long-held notions of what it means to be a “good girl” and allow ourselves to finally experience pleasure for pleasure’s sake!
For some women, the desire is less about psychology and more about sensation, enjoying the complexity of pleasure and pain in “rough sex.” While this in no way constitutes abuse (it is consensual after all), there can be some spanking, dirty talk, hair pulling, clothes torn off or the old slamming-up-against-a-wall-and-having-sex-standing-up situation. Women want to feel the hot passion that comes with a man ravishing them, to be overloaded with intensity.
Before you take the first big step and have “the talk,” sit down with yourself and your journal and explore. To get him to the point where he is calling all the shots in the bedroom, you’re going to have to do a little bit of calling the shots yourself, even though some of it might seem a bit of a roundabout method. Once you and your partner get into the groove, so to speak, you’ll know what feels right and what doesn’t, so trust that instinct. But, for starters, you need to have some idea of what would be too much, or not enough.
For example, do you want him to seem like an authority figure? Do you want to take directions from him, and be told exactly what to do to him, or to yourself, and simply do what he says? Do you want a bad boy? Do you want someone who smacks your ass, calls you names and does dirty, dirty things to you? How about a manly-man – do you want him to flip you around, bend your body about in ways you never knew it could, and put you in your place, so to speak? And of course there is always the romantic alpha male – the one who literally whisks you off your feet with no warning, throws you on the bed and makes your every sexual wish come true (and a few of his own too).