Shhh... Gianna's Side (15 page)

We went right to the edge; I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes.

“Open your eyes, Miss Edwards,” he said in a singing tone.

I vigorously shook my head no. He spread my legs open with his knee and pulled my arms higher
, making me scream until I finally opened my eyes. All I could see before me was a vast open field. He lowered my head by my hair and it became clear that we were at least two stories high. I trembled and gasped in air, trying to bend my knees to sit on the ground.

“Stop,” he ordered. “You see this, Miss Edwards? I can do whatever the fuck I want with you. Just like I always have been. You are nothing to me. You never were. A poor little rich girl, who wanted my attention, you were always so needy for it. And guess what? I fucking used you. I used
you because I could. I used you because your pussy is poison. I used you because I’m a man and that’s all you’ve ever been good for, I could smell it on you just like everyone else could,” he deviously stated. “Do you have any idea the shit people said about you? You thought people loved you and wanted to be you, but you couldn’t be more wrong! They fucking hated you. Everyone pitied you and they loved Mack best. They just wanted to get to her and they knew they could do it through you. She’s better than you, always has been and always will be.” He got close to the side of my face. “And your father knew it,” he whispered. “He knew you were broken and pathetic. If I push you and let go, you’re done. And not so much as one person will know it. They will just think you’re hiding. All you’ve ever done in your life is hide. Look ahead of you…do you see the clarity? Do you see who’s in control?”

“Yes…” I sobbed.

“Should I let you go? Do you want to die?” he bellowed.

When I didn’t answer
, he pushed me forward and let go. “NO!” I screamed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back in, making us both fall to the ground with me in his arms. My body shook and I started to cry hysterically.

“Shhh…” he repeated my ear
. “That’s what I thought.”

I clung to his arms like a baby
. I clung to him, wanting him to hold me and love me and tell me he was lying. I clung to him like he was my everything. 

He rocked me back and forth
. “Shhh…”

It was more emotion
than I had felt in a long time. I often thought I wanted to die, and he just proved to me that I didn’t. I knew he was far from done with me.

And for the first time in eight years…

I felt alive.

We made our way back from the creek where I bathed again. Neither one of us had spoken much. He had been bringing
me a bottle of vodka every other day or so. I had lost track of time in a cloud of thoughts, emotions, and endless memories. I was on the bed facing him while he took his regular spot against the wall. He had started coming in my room at night and we would causally talk about nothing.

It was comforting.

“Where is Mack?”

“She’s downstairs in one of the rooms. She’s losing her shit,” he pulled the hair away from his face; I noticed he did
that when he was confused.

I took a swig of my bottle and extended my hand for him to have some. I saw a glimmer of a smile appear on his face. He covered it quickly
, but I saw it. He reached for the bottle, took a few swigs, and handed it back to me. We went back and forth a few rounds before he placed it in between his legs.

“What do you mean?” I asked him
, breaking the silence.

“I mean she’s losing it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into with you guys. I wasn’t expecting this, not even close,” he rationalized
, like that made it okay that he was holding us hostage.

“What were you expecting?” I questioned, never taking my gaze away from his.

“You guys were inseparable and I thought your dreams had come true.”

I nodded
. “So the plan was to take us away from our happily ever after?”

“Something like that,” he replied
, taking the bottle up to his lips.

“Now what? What happens now?” I eagerly awaited his response.

“You were always such a poor little rich girl, weren’t you, Gianna?”

I shook my head no.

He laughed. “Oh come on, let’s not lie anymore. Aren’t you tired of all the secrets you keep so dear to your heart? Nothing ever happened to you. You wanted attention and the only way you could get it is if you played the woe is me card. No one understands me. I’m so broken,” he mocked.

I kept shaking my head no. “That’s not it. I can’t help the way I feel, the way I’ve always felt. You’re right, nothing happened to me but it didn’t stop me from feeling like I didn’t belong,” I clarified.

He rolled his eyes. “You had everything at your disposal and it was never enough. Just own up to it for once in your fucking life.”

“No! I’m not taking responsibility for something that’s not true. Do you think I wanted to feel like that? I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be. I didn’t know how to be honest with anyone and some people are just born broken. I’m one of them. You can believe whatever the fuck you want to believe
, but I was always honest with you. I don’t have many childhood memories because I tuned most of it out. I went through my life as a spectator. I’m still going through my life like that. So fuck you!”

His eyes shifted when he placed the bottle to the side. They actually glazed over.

“Mr. Nichols…it got out of hand. I swear we never thought it would turn into what it did,” I carelessly spoke.

“Oh yeah? What the fuck did you think was going to happen when you falsely accuse someone of rape
? It’s not like it was just one person crying rape, it was two!” he declared; his tone changed. He was back to being the man I didn’t know, the one I tried to avoid.

“I don’t know. We were so drunk. I was so upset. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. We were young and stupid. You played your part
, too. I don’t know what you want me to say to you,” I explained, trying to reason with him.

He stood with an
eerie demeanor.
Fuck, I had lost him.

“Stand up,” he demanded.

“Mr. Nichols,” I whispered, sitting up.

“Stand the fuck up!” he shouted
, making me jump.

I moved backward on the bed
, putting my hands in the air in a surrendering motion. “Mr. Nichols…” I repeated, hoping he would snap out of it.

He lunged at me
, grabbing me by the hair. My body rapidly following the pace he set as he placed me on the ground. My knees hit the floor with a crack that made me want to throw up from the pain.

He pulled my hair upward
. “Stand up.” I slowly moved, placing one foot before the other.

“Turn around, put your hands on the bed, and spread your legs.” He said to the side of my face.

“Do you think we’re friends, Miss Edwards?”

“What?” I asked
, confused. What the hell just happened?

He moved to stand in front of me
, never letting up on his hold. “Do you think we’re friends? Did you think we were?”

I tried to understand his ramblings
. “I don’t know what you mean.”

He laughed
. “That whole year, all you ever wanted was for me to pay attention to you. With the way you spoke to me, the way you dressed, your demeanor and presence. You may as well have had a sign that said, ‘slut.’”

“That’s not what happ–”

“Shut up!” he shouted. “I know everything. You don’t think teachers talk? You don’t think we all knew what a lost little girl you were? Still are. Always letting Mack pick up the broken pieces, Miss Edwards. You always came in second best when it came to her, and you still do,” he deviously spewed, and I took in every word.

“Isn’t that why you did it? Why you lied
? I know the truth and so do you, and that’s why you drink. You drink to stop thinking about me. The fantasy and the reality are all fucked up in your delusional head. Isn’t that right?”

“You! You played your part
, too. You can’t think that you can put me through what you did and expect me to not fucking drink. You loved me, too! You told me!” I shouted trying to get him to admit it.

He grinned, “Did I?”

His fingers walked from my lower back to my ass cheek. “You know what they do to you right before they take you to prison?” I turned to look at the side of his face.

“They make you stand in a similar position you are standing in now. They make you watch as they put on latex gloves and then they have you bend over. Once they have you in this uncomfortable, awkward position, they push two fingers into your asshole and move them around. It’s called a search
, and they do it to make sure you aren’t carrying any drugs.” His fingers never stopped walking back and forth on my ass cheeks.

“Gianna, call me by my name…I know you want to. I know you’ve always wanted to. Here’s your chance. Say it.”

“Mr. Nichols,” I rebelliously replied.

He flipped me over, threw me on the bed and climbed on top of me, holding my hands over my head.

“Not that one,” he warned.

“Mr. Nichols,” I said again
, just to piss him off.

He once again grabbed me by my hair at the top of my head and swung me from the bed to the floor
. I hit it with a bang.

“Ahhh!” I screamed in agony.

“Crawl.”

“Please.”

“CRAWL!”

I got on my hands and knees
. “WHERE? Where the fuck do you want me to go?” I yelled as he pushed me with his foot, making me fall to my side.

“This is what you want
, isn’t it, Gianna? You want me to fucking hurt you. Why? Why do you want me to hurt you?”

“BECAUSE I FUCKING DESERVE IT!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Why do you deserve it, Gianna? Huh? Fucking say it.”

I grabbed my side and sat straight up
, looking right into his eyes. “I’m a liar. I lied. I sent you to prison because you sent me away. You lied to me so I lied to everyone,” I stated through gritted teeth. I could feel my face turning red from anger.

He cracked his knuckles and opened the door
. “Crawl until I tell you to stop.”

I crawled on the filthy
, uneven floor that hurt the fuck out of my hands and knees.

“You know how many times I crawled on my hands and knees, Miss Edwards
? How many bathrooms and floors I had to clean with a goddamn toothbrush?”

He shoved my ass with his foot and I almost fell over again
. “I’m sorry,” I whimpered through my tears. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to play this game anymore.

“Not yet…but you will be,” he stated with conviction.

He didn’t allow me to get up the entire time, and we had to go down a flight of stairs. I had to crawl backward the entire time and missed the last step, falling over. We made it to the first floor and it was dark and creepy and we were only in the hallway.

“Stop,”
he demanded in front of a room as he opened the door. “Go,” he ordered.

I shook my head back and forth
. “No, I don’t want to go in there. Please don’t do this! Please,” I begged.

“Gianna…” he threatened.

I sighed, knowing he would make me do it, and crawled into the dark, tiny room that had padded walls. I knew once he shut the door it would be pitch black. He walked in after me and smiled.

“Have you ever heard of solitary confinement?” As soon as the question left his mouth
, my heart dropped. I looked down at the ground and closed my eyes.

“It’s punishment when you’re bad in prison. Anything can get you in
to solitary confinement. Have you been a bad girl, Gianna? Do I need to punish you?” he integrated, making me cry.

“How many times do you think I was put into solitary confinement in seven years, huh? Just think about it. Give me a number, any fucking number.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I whispered.

“You don’t know? Oh come on,
Miss Edwards. It’s not fun if you don’t play along. There is a code in prison, a certain food chain. You want to know the order? Well…let me begin by saying that child rapists aren’t taken to kindly. I was placed in solitary confinement a lot, not because I was bad, but more for my own safety.”

“I’m–”

“Shut the fuck up. I’m telling a story,” he reprimanded.

I looked up at his face. I didn’t recognize the man before me. He wasn’t Mr. Nichols anymore; I had no idea who he was. This person was new and he scared the fuck out of me.

He put his finger up to his mouth. “Where was I?” he paused. “Oh yes…child rapists aren’t wanted or welcomed lightly. They are the bottom of the food chain. See, Miss Edwards, everyone has a mother or a child and you don’t fuck with either of them. Do you want to know why I was placed in solitary confinement the first time?” I shook my head no. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to go back into the other room.

“You don’t? That’s not nice. I’m trying to open up to you. Isn’t that what you always wanted, for me to confide in you
? Tell you all my deepest, darkest secrets…”

He bent down behind me and started caressing my back with the tips of his fingers. I openly sobbed.

“I think it’s better if I show you,” he murmured in my ear.

I heard him unbuckle his belt then
pull down his zipper and I knew what was next. He placed his hand by my mouth. “Spit.” My eyes widened. “Spit into my fucking hand, Gianna.” I opened my mouth and spit into his hand. “More.” I spit again.

I looked straight ahead at the padded wall and heard as he stroked himself.

“I wouldn't even know how this was done if it wasn’t for you. You ruined me and I’m going to ruin you. You’ve always wanted to be someone else, Gianna; now, how does it feel to be me?” He rammed his cock into my anus and I wanted to scream in pain. My lower body fell to the ground and I scratched at the concrete floor, praying that it would replace the stinging that I felt in my asshole. He pulled out and shoved back in; he did it a few more times until he stopped when he was in balls deep.

I wept in agony, not just from the discomfort but also from the meaning behind it. There was no foreplay, there was no throb, and there was no ache
; there was nothing. He wanted me to feel like I was being raped, like he was using me, like I was his toy he could play with. It didn’t matter how many times I had meaningless, empty sex, this was so much worse.