Shhh... Gianna's Side (19 page)

“Yes. I was. I wasn’t lying.”

He laughed. “How the fuck am I supposed to tell the difference,
Gianna
? All you have done is manipulate everything to your advantage. How do I know you’re telling me the truth? How do I know you aren’t lying? You want my sympathy, right? You want me to forgive you!” he yelled, pacing the room back and forth.

“Well…I can’t fucking forgive
you! I went through hell and back because of you. I’m still living in hell and I have no idea when I’m going to be free of it. And now you tell me you were pregnant…come on…do I look that fucking stupid to you? What do you take me for?”

I sat down, I had to. Between the lack of alcohol, new knowledge, and confrontation, I was done. I placed my hand on my forehead, clammy, just what I thought.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not lying.”

“Are you all right?” H
is tone seemed sincere.

“No. I’m not all right. I need a fucking drink.”

“You really are an alcoholic, aren’t you?”

I chuckled
. “No. I’m not. I’m actually lying. I’m manipulative, remember?” I wanted him to go away, to have the liberty to wallow in my own misery. The misery I created.

He sat down next to me, leaned forward, and pulled my hand away from my face. “Why, G? Why all the lies?” he questioned with a confused face.

“Because I was angry. I was eighteen and I just wanted you to hurt. As much as I was. I’m not saying what I did was right, but it seemed right at the time. I never thought it would turn in to what it did. I didn’t think you’d go to prison. I just thought you’d get fired.” I sighed and held my stomach, trying to relieve the cramps.

“You’re a fucking mess
; I mean, look at you…” he tried to rationalize, but all I kept thinking about was when he would bring me another bottle.

“You want a drink
, don’t you?”

“Unless you want me to go into a seizure and start throwing up everywhere
, I suggest you bring me something to drink.”

He shook his head in a disappointed manor
. “And then what? Huh? What happens after this?”

“I don’t fucking know! Are you going to kill us? Because if you are
, just fucking leave me here. I’ll die without any alcohol…isn’t that what you want?” I shouted, trying not to slur my words.

“Look at me, James! Do I look like someone who is fucking happy? Do you think I haven’t regretted what I did to you? What I caused myself…I ruined my life…for what? For some man who was going through a
mid-life crisis and fucking paid attention to me. That’s it. I was a broken little girl and I now I’m fucking shattered. I’m so shattered I can’t even begin to put myself back together. The pieces are all fucked up! There’s nothing left.”

I didn’t care anymore; if he left me there
, I would have welcomed the darkness with open arms. I lost the will to fight for anything long ago. He stood and placed one foot before the other and left the room.

This unbearable weight was on my chest and heart from the lies, the secrets, and the betrayal.
The tightening in my throat and chest was almost unbearable, I was asphyxiated in it. I couldn’t tell the lies from the truth anymore. How could I let it get so bad that my perception was altered and disoriented? Was this from alcohol withdrawal? I groaned in pain, leaning forward to catch myself on the floor.

I heard his footsteps down the hall; I knew what he was bringing back with him. He wasn’t done with me; he hadn’t hurt or punished me enough. All it would take is for me to not drink it, to not take the sip that leads to more. I could turn it down and let this be the end of it all.

Who was I kidding? The second he would hand it to me, I would chug it like it was the last thing I would do. There was no going back for me, only a standstill.

I watched through hooded eyes as he sat in front of me, placing the bottle at his side. He was going to make me beg for it.

“Where is it?” he questioned.

My eyes went from the bottle back to him
. “What?” I retorted.

“Where’s the baby? If you’re not lying
, then where’s our child?”

I had to let him go
, and the only way to do that was to kill him, too.

I looked right at him and spoke with conviction, “
I killed it. I killed your baby, James. I killed our child.”

His mouth gaped open and his eyes changed from…

Love, hurt, pain.

Hate.

And then he lunged at me.

My back hit the concrete
, knocking the wind out of me, and I gasped as he grabbed the lapels of my shirt. He roughly grabbed the sides of my face with one hand and the other grabbed the bottle.

“Drink,” he demanded, with execution behind his tone.

I kept my mouth shut as hard as I could and thrashed my face and body back and forth, trying to get him off of me. His hold tightened, making my cheeks dig in and my mouth open. “Drink!” he yelled, aiming it closer to my lips.

I didn’t want to be treated like a child, a prisoner; I would drink when I fucking wanted to.

“Drink.”

“Fuck you!” I spit out
, jerking my face from side to side.

He squeezed my cheeks harder and my mouth opened
. He poured vodka in and just kept going; it spilled down the sides of my face, down my neck, and toward my back. I chugged until I started choking. It burned when it made its way down my nostrils. I tried to move from his grasp, but he never let up. I wheezed, choking in air as he drained the entire bottle in my mouth. He was going to drown me. When it was empty, he threw it across the room and screamed. I heard it shatter against the wall and that’s when I used his momentum to push him away. He fell backward onto his ass and caught himself with his arms. I quickly backed away and went toward the shards of glass. I clutched one in my grasp and held it in front of me, winded and trying to catch my breath.

He cocked his head to the side
. “What are you going to do with that?”

I hyperventilated
, placing my hand on my chest to try to calm myself down.

“Isn’t that what you wanted, little girl? Do you feel better now? Did I make it good for you?” he scorned.

I used the back of my arm to wipe away the liquor as I continued to find my bearings, “Not as good as it was for you,” I violently replied. “You’re enjoying every fucking part of this! Who’s the monster now?!” I screamed.

His pupils enlarged and he sprang forward
, smacking my wrist before I even saw it coming. The shard of glass flung out of my hand.

He grabbed my hair and pulled back has far as it could go.

“Ahh!” I screamed, trying to claw at him.

“Not as much as you enjoy
ed it, Miss Edwards.” His hand grazed my breasts and I tried to push it away, but he was stronger than me. He shoved me backward and up against the wall; I hit it with a thud. If it hadn’t been for the adrenaline, it would have knocked me out. He removed his hand from my hair and it went right to my throat. He shoved me higher up the wall, making it impossible for me to move. Our chests heaved up and down, almost in sync with one another, and then we locked eyes.

And that’s when I saw it.

Lust.

His mouth met mine with abandonment and desire. His tongue went to the back of my throat
, claiming me. He wanted to brand me and I took in every marking. His tongue tasted the inside of my mouth and all over like he couldn’t get enough of me. I took his lead and kissed him back with the same enthusiasm; it was messy, sloppy and passionate as hell. He tasted better than I remembered, and when his fingers reached for my pussy, I moaned.

It was
as if a bucket of cold water had been poured on him. He immediately moved away from me and held my throat tighter, pushing me further into the wall. His face was shocked and appalled, and I could tell he was angry with himself. Our breathing was still elevated, and he wiped away any residue of me that was left on his face, trying to get clean of me.

He squeezed around my neck, not letting go. I was losing air and he wanted me to. He had his lips pursed and the look in his eyes told me he wanted to hurt me and fuck me…he kept squeezing until I could barely breathe. The
temporary loss of blood to my brain made me start seeing stars and the pressure made it blinding. My head fell to the side and I was sure my face was turning blue. He let go right before my eyes started to close, and I fell sideways coughing for air. I coughed, gasping, trying to breathe in as much as I could.

He just got up and left me, without so much as one word.

He let down his guard.

And it infuriated him that I knew it
, too.

It gave me comfort in a situation that I knew was about to turn ugly. Mr. Nichols wasn’t fucking around when he told me he wanted to make us pay. He was going to rip away every last bit of us, if it was the last thing he
did. I wanted to live in the bubble that I had created for myself, where no one could hurt me, unless it was me. I was my own worst enemy. My past had finally caught up with me and he was placing it directly in front of me.

As soon as she walked in
, I found her gaze; it was like a magnet pulling me toward her. The vitality of ours sins immersing in the air and suffocating us with nothing but the truths that we held onto so tightly.

“Hmmm…no love? No friendly exchanges? Not even a hello? I don’t understand, Mack and Gia are back together again.” He clapped his hands. “It’s time to celebrate and rejoice! Let’s have a fucking party girls! Come on, Mack, you’ve been whining about seeing your Gia, well here she is. Let’s kiss and make up, huh?”
he taunted, shoving her toward me.

“You ladies aren’t making me happy. I’ve gone through a lot of unnecessary bullshit for the last month between you two cunts and now I want you to fucking embrace each other and make me feel like it was all worth it,” he warned.

Neither one of us looked at each other, and I watched him slide down the wall with nothing more than a sinister look on his face. He looked at me and his eyes were perplexed and concerned, for whom I didn’t know. He looked almost crazed.

He shook his head
, taking his stare away from me, “Now…let’s try this again…Gia, say hello to your
best friend
Mack.”

McKenzie was sitting down with her back against the wall and her hands were covering her ears, she looked terrified.

“What’s your problem?” I asked.

She scuffed, removing her hands and pointing right at me. “You! You’re my problem. You’re nothing but a liar! You were fucking him the entire time. My life has been in shambles because of you! And now I come to find out that you were lovers…why the hell did you even involve in your fucked up affair? I had nothing to do with it.”

Mack came in here with guns blazing; if she wanted a war, then I was going to give her one.

I laughed, “Oh Mackity Mack is not playing fair. People who live in glass houses, shouldn’t throw stones. Huh?

She looked surprised and then looked over at Mr. Nichols like he was supposed to save her or something.

“
Keep your pretty eyes over to her, I didn’t say shit,” he retorted, surrendering with both hands in the air. “Gia, baby, why don’t you tell Mack here what you know,” he taunted, standing up and walking over to me, letting his hand slide around my waist. He lifted my shirt, humiliating me in front of her. I didn’t want her to see me like this…it only added fuel to the fire.

I tried to ignore his hands on me and focused my anger toward the person who deserved it
. “You want to know the truth, oh
best friend
of mine. I know all about your little indiscretions. I’ve known since we were eighteen.” I cocked my head to the side, “I’d like to think it started then but that’s more then likely a lie. Another secret. Am I right? How long did it go on, Mack? How long were you fucking him behind my back? How long were you betraying my mother and I? Huh?” I accused, making her eyes widen in surprise with a mixture of fear.

“
What are you talking about?”

“Are you kidding me? You’re really going to sit there and pretend like it didn’t happen. I needed you. I have never needed you more then I needed you that day. I was coming to tell you everything. There was going to be no more secrets or lies. I was coming to tell you the truth about it all. Then I find out Mack isn’t so perfect, right? She had secr
ets too! Secrets that would not only destroy me! But also my fucking FAMILY! Did you think about that? Did you ever even consider what you were doing?” I yelled.

“Gia, you’re not perfect either. You kept secrets
, too,” she accused.

“Shhh
…” I said with my finger. “You’re a liar, too!”

“God! I fucking love this. Keep going, I’m highly entertained,” Mr. Nichols
coaxed, walking away from me. “Go ahead, Gia, tell your
best friend
what you’ve wanted to say for the last nine years. Tell her what you know,” he enticed.

“You think you’re the only one that’s hurting, Mack? You want to pretend you didn’t p
lay a role in how everything turned out. Poor, little, innocent McKenzie, always getting the pity. Everyone always loved you best and you fucking knew it, you played into it.”

“Pity?” she asked. “
I don’t understand. You were coming to tell me about Mr. Nichols? About your relationship with him?”

“I was coming to tell you much more then that, Mack. I was pregnant with his baby,”
I announced. “I was so scared and I needed my best friend. I needed my sister. But you weren’t there…and when I didn’t find you in your room, I heard you down the hall in your dad’s office. Want to guess who I heard you with?

I had been sitting in the same place for several hours as I stared at not one
, but five positive pregnancy sticks. One even had a smiley face on it. The moment the first stick turned positive, my maternal emotional instincts kicked in and I started to think about the future, not only with James, but also with our child.

At first
, they were vain and it was all about what it would look like? Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it be a daddy’s baby or mommy’s? Would the delivery hurt? Would I be an attractive pregnant person? How much weight did I have to gain? Would I have to change my diet?

What kind of mom would I be? What kind of dad would he be? Would he want the baby? Would
he be excited or mad at me?

The fear
s, hopes, and dreams were much more evident now. But it was no longer about me anymore…it became about us.

I was an us now.

I was excited but extremely nervous. I was only eighteen and I had no idea what I would do with a child, sometimes I felt like I was still one but that’s pretty normal, right? My hormones were all over the place; one minute I wanted to jump up and down and shout from the rooftops that I was pregnant with the love of my life. And then the next minute, I had tears in my eyes from the anxiety of the future. 

We never really talked about the future. Ou
r
tumultuous love affair was extremely complicated to say the least, and now adding a baby into the mix would make or break us and I wasn’t naïve enough to not know that. The part that truly bothered me was that I thought we shared everything, the good and the bad. I realized that day that we never talked about the future; we discussed the past and the present. About the fact that we loved each other and we were soul mates, but instead of that providing me with a sense of reassurance, it didn’t. It ate at my insecurities of why we never talked about the future. Was it because there wouldn’t be one?

That didn’t make sense… what was the point of
it all?

I was overthinking everything, he would be ecstatic and feel the same way I
did. We would find a way to make it work. I had faith that everything would work itself out and at the end of the day, as long as we were together, that’s all that mattered.

The rest would fall into place.

After I stressed about all that, my mind wandered over to Mack. How would I explain all this to her and make her understand that we were the real thing? That this wasn’t some high school crush and he wasn’t taking advantage of me. I knew that was going to be the first thing she would think, and it would probably be the first thing anyone would think, especially my parents. My mom would have to understand, she was a woman. She carried me in her womb; she felt the same connection that I had to my baby. It had to be maternal. My dad would want his only daughter to be happy, and I knew he would be upset at first–I mean, what father wouldn’t–however, he would accept it.

My parents would come to term
s with it. Plus, it’s a baby! Who doesn’t want a baby around?!