Shhh... Gianna's Side (24 page)

He didn’t stop sucking on my clit and held my legs apart when they tried to close from the sensitivity. I screamed from ecstasy and it made him suck me harder, making me come apart again, hard. I shook the entire time
, my legs felt like they were going crazy. He released me with a pop. My legs fell forward from weakness, still shaking when he dove forward, attacking my mouth. He loomed over me as my tongue licked my come off his mouth, face, and chin and he hummed in pleasure the entire time.

I licked my way back to his mouth and I looked right into his eyes, they held everything I wanted to hear. He bit my lower lip pulling it into his mouth before softly kissing me again. His hand grabbed the back of my neck and we kept our eyes open the entire time
, not wanting to lose the connection. We both wanted to get lost in the moment. Lost in each other.

“Of all my loves this is the first and last. I could give all and more, my life
, my world, my thoughts, my arms, my breath, my future, my love eternal, endless, infinite, yet brief, as all loves are and hopes, though they endure. You are my sun and stars, my night, my day, my seasons, summer, winter, my sweet spring, my autumn song, the church in which I pray, my land and ocean, all that the earth can bring. Of glory and of sustenance, all that might be divine, my alpha and my omega, and all that was ever mine,”
[13]
he repeated the exact words to me from the first time we made love, and it made my heart yearn for him.

The love collapsed right down into my soul. The only place he existed. Eyes falling shut
, he pushed into my channel in one thrust spreading me completely open.

“Don’t close your eyes. Let me see your eyes.” I immediately opened them and he gripped at the back of my neck firmer and lifted me up a little. Our foreheads rested on each other with mouths gaped open. I hadn’t realized I was shedding tears until he caught one with his thumb.

He fucked me with anger, he fucked me with passion, he fucked me for all the pain and punishment I put him through, but most importantly, he fucked me with love. Right into my soul where he was forever engrained. 

For so long, I fought with who I was
–G or Gia–but in that one moment of clarity, he fucked life back to Gianna Edwards. Gianna was finally whole and he brought meaning to my empty soul. He was my light.  And I was his. In that second I saw Gianna Edwards in his eyes. Felt it in my bones and it resuscitated its way into my beating heart.

That’s all it took for me to shed G and embrace Gianna, my true self, no longer in the dark, hiding behind lies and secrets.

“Oh my God,” I moaned as I felt him balls deep.

“Fuck
, you feel good. How does your pussy feel this good? Fuck me,” he huskily stated, not thrusting harder. “Yes, yes, yes,” he repeated.

He grabbed my left leg and placed it on his shoulder. That angle was much deeper and my pussy tightened around his shaft, which earned me a growl. He never once let up on holding the back of my neck.

“Ahhh…more…more...” I murmured.

He continued to move in a hard and delicious pace that had me weakening beneath him. Making love isn’t about movements or caresses
, it’s about feelings and emotions. I felt every last one of them. I cherished every sound, thrust, touch; I wanted to bottle it up and take it with me. The familiarity of our bodies, our breathing, our minds, and especially our hearts.

“Fuck me,” he grunted. “I fucking love you. Please believe that. If things would have been different, you know, if you would have had the baby. I would have been there. Somehow, I would have.”

“Jesus, James,” I panted, rotating my hips; my leg on his shoulder made it easy for me to take him deeper. I was close and so was he. We were both on the verge of going over and I wanted to do it together.

“I’m close
,” I cried out.

“I still would have been there,” he groaned. “Tell me, G. Please tell me what I’ve waited eight years to hear. Please,” he shamelessly begged.

I grabbed the back of his neck. “I love you. I never stopped.”

And I meant every word.

We lay there breathless, surrounded by love and truths. My head was on his shoulder and his arms were wrapped around me, keeping me close and safe.

“James,” I half-whispered.

“Hmmm…”

“Were you with her? Please tell me that I have something she has never had.”

“McKenzie?” he asked, taken aback.

I nodded.

“No, baby, I didn’t touch Mack and you were there when I did. I was going to but I couldn’t. Deep down I knew I couldn’t do that to you, as much as I thought I did.”

“I’m glad you brought us here,” I admitted.

“Us or just you?”

“I’m relieved that Mack doesn’t have that reporter job to go home to. I want her in my life. Does that make me an awful person?”

He laughed. “Maybe a little, but Mack didn’t have her reporter job when I found her, she
was renting some dump in Florida, a small town barely on the map.”

I sat up. “
What?”

“
She hasn’t been there in almost a year. She ran when I was paroled, you think she knew that I was coming for you guys?”

I shrugged.

“Shhh
…go to sleep. How’s your head?”

“Sore, but okay,” I said, closing my eyes
. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before I was passed out. Happy and contentment, two feelings I hadn’t felt in eight years.

The light coming in woke me in the morning. My eyes fluttered opened and I didn’t feel James
’ arms around me. I turned, extending my arms, expecting to find him there, but it was cold and empty. My eyes immediately opened and I sat up, taking the sheet with me. I was shocked to find him sitting in a chair watching me sleep.

“What are you doing?” I smiled. “Come back to bed it
’s still really early.”

“I haven’t slept all night,” he stated.

“What? Why?” I questioned, not understating where that was coming from.

“Because I wanted to look at you one last time.”

My head shot back like he had slapped me. “What? I don’t understand,” I expressed, trying not to cry.

Fuck! Was he doing this to me again?

“You have to leave, G.” He said the words so easily and they flowed off his tongue like it was nothing. I winced at the fact that he called me G. I didn’t want to be her anymore; I didn’t feel like I was her anymore.

“I can’t keep you here. I can’t keep either of you here. You need to go. We all do, it’s over now.”

I backed away from him and pulled the sheet to cover my body. Standing up near the edge of the bed, I bellowed, “So what was last night? Part of the plan? A joke?”

He got off the chair and walked toward the door, leaving me behind him. He paused before he got past the doorway
. “It was closure,” he announced, never looking back at me.

He started to walk away from me.

From us.

I couldn’t take it anymore…

“Your wife made me do it!” I screamed.

He immediately stopped
, taking in my words. “Did you hear me? Your wife made me do everything! She was behind it all! She’s the fucking mastermind and manipulator, not me!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.

I had never told anyone that. Nobody knew but me.

I found out I was pregnant and all I wanted to do was share it with him. I honestly thought we could finally be together. That our child would make everything right, but when I drove to see him and saw him with his child and then his wife in the front yard, it nearly killed me. I watched them walk into their home together like I had never existed. 

Their home.

After catching Mack with my dad and then him crudely dismissing me after class, I needed answers. A few days later, I found myself in the playground of the same park that James and I had our first intimate time together. And that’s when I saw her; she was with Cara, their daughter. She was swinging her on the same swing her husband went down on me a few months prior. I couldn’t help myself and I went to her, I was hormonal and pregnant and I just wanted answers. I didn’t have the courage to face James yet, and his wife was standing right in front of me, so it gave me a reason to find out the truth.

She saw me walking up to her and looked at me like she knew. I watched her whisper something in Cara’s ear
, and the little girl just took off to the other side of the park, far away from us.

“Hi, Gianna,” she greeted and
took a seat in the swing.

“How do you know my name?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Oh come on, you think I don’t know the name of MY husband’s play toys? ALL your names,” she viscously spewed.

“What the fuck? What are you talking about?” I angrily replied. I didn’t know if I wanted to fight or cry.

She rolled her eyes. “You honestly think you’re the first one? You honestly think there aren’t more? My husband has a problem keeping his dick in his pants. Why do you think we left? We had to get away from his last mistake, but he promised me he wouldn’t do it again. And of course, I believed him.”

“You’re lying!” I yelled.

Thank God it was only us in the park.

She shook her head
. “I always wondered why James likes to pick them so young. I guess it’s because you’re stupid and easily manipulated.” She shrugged, not caring that my heart was literally breaking.

“I don’t believe you.”

She chuckled. “Then why are you crying?”

I wiped away the tears with the back of my arm. I saw her reach into her purse to take out her phone
, and then she threw it at me. I caught it mid-air.

“Check out the pictures.”

I swiped at the scream and hit the picture icon. I was smacked in the face with a picture of the young girl, probably my age. She had brown hair and blue eyes, she was really pretty.

“That was the last one
; go ahead, keep swiping, I think there are like five or six of them in there,” she revealed.

With each swipe my stomach turned and my hands got clammy. I felt like I was going to pass out.

My hand grabbed my stomach and I rubbed it back and forth, it gave me some comfort.

“Are you pregnant?” she asked with a tone like she already knew.

I looked up at her and nodded. “How do you know?”

“The way you’re holding your stomach. It’s a mother’s touch. I did it all the time with Cara, and I’ve been around enough mothers to know what the glow looks like,” she explained. “Wow, you’re the second one he’s knocked up. God! I’m going to have to get myself tested again. Damn it, James,” she stated to herself.

“You’re going to have to get an abortion.” My eyes widened.

“I can’t–”

She stood up and walked over to me. “What are you going to do, huh? Raise the baby by yourself?”

“No. I’m different. What we have is different
. I just have to tell him; once I tell him, he will choose me, he will choose us,” I sobbed, not being able to control my emotions. “He loves me! He tells me all the time. I know he does! We’re going to be together. I’m sorry but you don’t know! You don’t know what we have!” I yelled, my voice breaking from the emotions.

She looked at me with concern and sympathy all at once
. “Look at the text messages.” I looked down at her phone with dread.

I clicked over the screen and hit the text icon. One text after the other…

I love you.

Let’s make this work.

I miss you.

I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.

Please forgive me.

No one can replace you.

The phone fell out of my hand and before it even landed on the ground, I jolted forward, throwing up all the contents in my stomach. She rubbed my back as I hurled my entire life away. It all happened so fast and in a flash, I watched it all being taken away from me.

She went into her purse and handed me a baby wipe. I spit the last of it out and then wiped the residue off my face.

“We’ve been trying to work things out since he moved here, he has been begging me to move back home and I finally gave in. We’re getting back together, Gianna.”

“Why would you take him back after all this?” I asked her.

“I’m in love with him. And you know what it’s like to be in love with someone. We’re going to go to counseling and we have Cara. I don’t want her raised in a broken family,” she responded. “I’ll give you the money for it. Your parents would never find out.”

I didn’t care about my dad finding out but it would destroy my mom, especially if I would be doing it by myself. I couldn’t raise a baby by myself; I could barely take care of myself.

I lost Mack.

I lose my dad.

I lost James.

And now
, I would lose my baby.

Our baby…

I had no other choice, so I took the money and she made the appointment.

I went to the appointment three days later.

I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my name to be called. All different types of women sat there, waiting to get rid of something that was supposed to be so sacred. I wondered if they were like me, did they get lied to and betrayed? I felt some relief that they all looked diverse, there were no set type. No stereotype, it could happen to anyone. 

“Gianna Edwards,” the nurse announced and we walked through a long corridor where I was taken into a room that had an ultrasound machine and an examination table. The nurse asked questions about my medical history and other personal questions that I imagined were standard. When she was done
, she told me to put on the gown with the opening in the back. I was sitting on the table by the time I heard the knock on the door.

The doctor came in
, followed by the nurse. She explained to me that she was going to do an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. I laid back on the table with my feet in stirrups as she pushed a wand looking instrument up my sex. I didn’t feel anything until the sound that was produced through the speakers almost knocked me on my ass. It sounded like a heartbeat, a really fast heartbeat. She moved around the instrument and told me I looked like I was seven weeks along. The uncontrollable tears slid down my face and the nurse grabbed my hand in sympathy.

They were extremely understanding and reassuring
, telling me over and over again that there was no judgment. She explained the procedure and the aftercare. I nodded the entire time, feigning listening. They proceeded with the normal process of getting blood and taking my blood pressure. I was given Valium, which didn’t take long until I felt its effects, and a pill that was some version of another birth control. I was taken back into the procedure room and I barely remember any of it. It happened in less than five minutes. All I knew was that I cried the entire time. When it was done, they took me into a comfortable room with leather recliners and I sat in one for a few hours.

I didn’t think about anything
; I was numb. When I was allowed to leave, the same cab that dropped me off picked me up. I sat in the car and stared out the windshield. I didn’t know how long I sat there, staring out into space. I was beyond zoned out and hadn’t realized he was driving toward James’ house until we were parking a few houses away. I must have told him to go there. There were no cars in his driveway and I realized it was only 2:00 pm; he wouldn’t be home for another hour.

I needed to talk to him and tell him what I had done. I needed to have him forgive me, even if I had to beg for it. I killed our child. I wanted to hear his answers and have him tell me why he lied to me if all he wanted was to use me. I needed explanations; I was at least owed that. I used the key
from under the mat and let myself in. As suspected, no one was home.

I hadn’t moved from the couch and when the clock struck 3:00 pm, I waited for the door to open. I heard the doorknob turn and my heart sped a beat, expecting him to come waltzing in. I never expected his child to come running in. My heart dropped to the floor.

“Cara!” I heard her shout. I didn’t know what to do so I ran into the nearest closet, closing the door as I heard her footsteps coming inside.