Shhh... Gianna's Side (26 page)

“That’s better,” she stated, lowering the bat to her side.

I finally breathed out and sucked in air from the pain in my ribs.

“Look at me. Fucking look at me, G,” she mocked.

I angled my forehead on the car and turned.

“That’s what he calls you
, right? G...awe, how fucking pathetic. You’re so fucking easy, so gullible. Just like he is…the second I told him I was pregnant he believed me like a fucking idiot. You should have seen his eyes light up. Ugh! Like I would ever get pregnant with his fucking spawn again. He believed every word I said. It’s actually kind of comical…did you actually think that there were others?” she laughed. “There weren’t other girls, you stupid fucking cunt. You were the only one. He does love you and it makes me fucking sick. But it doesn’t matter because I already killed your baby, and now I just have to kill him,” she threatened.

I tried to understand what she was saying
, but my mind couldn’t process it fast enough. I think I had a concussion. I convulsed and fell to the ground on my hands and knees. I flipped over and leaned onto the car for support.

“Look at you. What the fuck does he see in you? I can’t actually kill him. But I can do something way worse
, and guess who’s going to do it. The love of his life, G, that’s who. Get your big girl panties on, darling,” she sang.

“I have it all planned out. See
, that’s his truck, which you know because he’s probably fucked you in it. You dirty whore. Anyway, Mack is knocked out so you’re going to say that I am him and he raped you and Mack. She won’t remember anything, thanks to my trusty old bat here,” she stated, hitting the bat back and forth on her palm.

“You’re going to send him to prison
, and if you don’t do it, I’ll kill her. And don’t for one second think I won’t fucking do it. I’ll do it and frame you for it. I mean, she is fucking your dad, God that’s disgusting, not that your dad isn’t a handsome man…he very much is. Is it all clicking? Do you understand? There’s motive, baby! It’s fucking genius,” she said in the same singing tone. “All right, you aren’t making this as much fun as I thought it was going to be. Maybe I need to give you some initiative.”

She backhanded Mack across the face a few times and then fisted her hair knocking her head into the ground.

“Please…please stop…you’re going to kill her! Please,” I half sobbed.

She put her hands up in a surrendering motion
. “Okay…if you insist.”

She walked over to me and crouched down in front of me on the heels of her shoes.

“You don’t look so good. Come on, G, I know you want to get back at him. I mean, he didn’t really fight for you,” she taunted. “I mean, granted, I did manipulate him and tell him I was pregnant so I kind of conned him into it. Oh well…beggars can’t be choosers. But in all seriousness, I would have expected him to at least struggle a little and he didn’t. Plus, you guys are eighteen so I don’t think he would get into that much trouble. He may serve some time, but mostly he will just get a slap on the wrist. I just want to make him hurt…just like he hurt me, just like he hurt you. He’s not a good person,” she asserted.

“I gave him everything and it was never good enough
, and then you go and parade your pussy around like goddamn gold and he’s walking around with his tail between his legs in love with you. So yes…I was a little jealous, and what better way to get back at him by having his soul mate betray him. I think it’s fucking awesome,” she shouted, throwing her hands up in the air like she was dancing.

“Like I said
, it’s very simple, I’ve already done the hard part, really. All you have to do now is say that he raped you guys. I think you can use your imagination and conjure up something good, I’ve set it up perfectly, you just fill in the blanks.” She clapped her hands together. “Now… if you could so kindly get up, I’ll help, of course, and we can go put some of your blood in his car, so I can go. I need to take the car back and pick up Cara from the sitters. I’ll hand you back your phone and you can call 9-1-1. They will come to your rescue and all will be right with the world. Justice served for women everywhere,” she clarified, grabbing my arm and putting it around her neck.

And the rest is history…

There were no words to explain the look on his face when I tried to reach for him. He backed away from me.

“Don’t,” he warned.

“That’s the whole truth,” I retorted.

“I can’t be near you right now.”

I sighed. “What the fuck did you expect me to do? I never thought you would get in that much trouble! I thought because we were eighteen that they would slap you on the wrist or something. She beat the fuck out of me and almost killed Mack, and then threatened to kill her if I didn’t do what she said,” I angrily explained. “I was backed into a corner, but I swear to you on my parents’ lives that I NEVER thought you would go to prison. It got out of hand so quickly, and the media blew it up as soon as they got wind of it. I’m so fucking sorry,” I wept.

I got down on my knees, right beneath
him and grabbed at his pants. “You have to forgive me…you have to forgive me, James. Please! I didn’t know! I swear to God I didn’t know,” I sobbed uncontrollably, slouching forward. “I didn’t know. I swear…you have to forgive me.”

I just sat there
, crying for I don’t know how long until I felt his strong, solid arms engulf me.

“Shhh…shhh…shhh…” he whispered, rocking me back and forth.

He just held me as I cried away my sins. I really was a monster and I had ruined the love of my life, and I had ruined Mack. I was responsible for everything; all of it came back to me.

“I love you, I’ve always loved you and I can’t go back and be that person anymore. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to punish myself anymore. I want to be normal. I don’t want to drink to forget or to not feel. I’m sick of being this person, James. I don’t want to be G anymore. I fucking hate her, she ruined my life,” I revealed, knowing that it was the truth.

“I know. I know, Gianna,” he grumbled, and that’s when I realized he was crying.

We both sat there
, holding each other, just crying. It was the most liberating and healing thing I have ever done. To sit in the arms of the man you have loved and hurt so badly and to have him feel every pained emotion you’re experiencing is a feeling like none other.

We wept for the past, we wept for the present.

But we did not cry for the future.

After what felt like hours
, we stood and I dressed in some cotton shorts and tank top he had stored. It felt weird to have on real clothes. Neither one of us spoke; there was silence everywhere. But when he grabbed my hand and we walked out of the room together, it gave me hope that all was not lost.

We made our way into Mack’s room
but it was empty.

“Mack, Mack, Mack!” Still no answer and I instantly panicked.

“Fuck! Mack where are you?” I screamed to no one.

I turned
. “Oh my God, where is she?”

His eyes widened in fear and he lowered his eyebrows
. “Shit.”

“We need to find her,” I said and he nodded. 

I followed him as we searched for her everywhere in the asylum, only to find her nowhere. She wasn’t anywhere. I followed him outside and hours had gone by with no Mack.

Until that old
, familiar demon roared its ugly head and I fell on my hands and knees and started throwing up.

“Fuck! Not now,” he shouted.

“I can’t help it!” I screamed in between dry heaving.

“Goddamn it. Are you okay?” he questioned, rubbing my back.

“Don’t worry about me. Go find Mack. I’ll be fine. Just go find her.” He sucked in is lip, not wanting to leave me but finally obliged and nodded.

“Stay right here. Don’t move,” he ordered.

I dry heaved for a few more minutes and fell onto my back, right next to my own vomit. My vision started to go blurry and I started shaking uncontrollably. This was it. I was dying. It had all caught up with me and this was my finale. It was time to meet my maker.

I closed my eyes and prayed for forgiveness.

What’s all that noise?

Beep, beep, beep, beep…

“I think she’s waking up.” I heard a voice I didn’t recognize. “Miss Edwards, Gianna, it’s time to open your eyes. Open your eyes for me, I know you can.”

I squinted my eyes from the brightness of the room
. “Water,” I requested with a hoarse voice.

“I’m going to elevate your bed to have you lean forward. Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”

I took in my surroundings, I was in a hospital room. How the hell did I get there?

“What am I doing here? Ho–”
I cleared my voice. “How did I get here?”

“You’ve been through quite an ordeal. Do you remember anything?” she questioned as she handed me water in a foam cup. I grabbed the straw and inhaled it all.

“More,” I requested.

She poured more and handed it to me, “You’re very dehydrated. The doctor will be
here in a few minutes. He will be able to answer all your questions. You are very lucky to be alive.”

The last thing I remember
ed was looking for McKenzie. “McKenzie, is she okay? Where is she?”

“She’s fine. She’s here,” I threw my head back against the pillow, relief taking over.

I looked outside the window, it was dark and gloomy. I watched the drizzles of rainfalls and the sounds of the machine were soothing. What a combination to make me tired. I was exhausted and felt like I had run a marathon. My bones were aching and my stomach was queasy.

“Miss Edwards,”
an older man said, holding a clipboard by my bedside.

“Don’t call me that,” I quickly disapproved.

“Oh, I apologize. What would you like me to call you?”

“Call me Gianna. My name
’s Gianna,” I informed, taking pride in my name for the first time in my life.

“All right, Gianna. I’m
Dr. Longhand. I am the attending physician who has been looking over your case. You have been through hell and back, huh?”

I nodded.

“Well…your friend is in much better shape than you are. I’m sure you’re aware of that. How long have you been drinking?”

“A while
.” I shrugged.

“How long is a while…a few months, years?” he asked in an agitated tone.

“Years.” He nodded like he expected me to say that.

“You’re pancreas is extremely inflamed and it has caused a kidney infection. Antibiotics can cure that, however, your liver, Gianna,” he
sighed, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen a liver that damaged on someone your age, well...it’s been a while. We need to discuss sobriety because if you continue to drink the way you have, you will experience liver failure and you could die,” he explained, looking at me like a concerned parent would.

“I understand,” I replied.

I didn’t want to drink anymore. I had left that life behind me. I was done being that person.

“How long have I been here?”

“You’ve been here for three days. We’ve kept you sedated to keep your blood pressure down. We have you on Valium for the tremors and shakes, some Zofran for the nausea and a banana bag IV for hydration and nourishment. Your withdrawals shouldn’t be as uncomfortable as they would be. We are medically detoxing you. This is best place for you right now. We will monitor you for a few more days and I’m going to request you talk to a therapist before you’re discharged. Do you remember anything?”

“Where’s Mack?” I asked, ignoring his question.

I needed to talk to Mack; we weren’t getting James in trouble for this. I was done putting the blame on everyone else.

“She’s been asking for you as well. The sheriff would like to speak to you, to both of you.” I nodded.

“I need to speak to Mack before I speak to anyone.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

He proceeded to check my vitals and provide me with all the information of what they would be doing for the next few days. I complied with everything he said and suggested. When nightfall approached, I took a few bites of my dinner but mostly just drank my juice, trying to shake the thought of vodka in it. It wasn’t going to be as easy as I had hoped. The triggers were everywhere for me. It was very quiet with the lights dimmed in the hallway. I could tell most of the nurses went home because there was no chaos. All was calm. I listened to the voices that came off the TV, not even paying attention to what I was watching.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up
, James was sitting in the chair sleeping. I sat myself up a little and the tray table skid across the floor, waking him up. He brushed the sleep off his eyes and cracked his neck.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He smiled, relieved that I was awake and talking. “I’ve been here the entire time, Gianna. Who do you think called 9-1-1? I found Mack pretty close to where I left you. She was passed out with a nasty gash on her leg. I carried her back to you and I found you foaming at the mouth and talking incoherently. The paramedic said it was a mild seizure. They brought you both here immediately and I rode with them.”

“Oh,” I stated. “What did you tell them?”

“I told them I was hiking in the woods and found you guys. They haven’t asked many questions. I think they’re waiting to talk to you guys.”

“Don’t worry, James. I have no intention of turning you in
, and I’m sure Mack feels the same way,” I clarified, not wanting him to stress.

“I know. They haven’t been able to get ahold of your parents and I think that’s why they’ve allowed me to stay with you. I haven’t been told much information though. I’m assuming you’re all right. You look…better,” he stated, leaning forward
and putting his elbows on his knees.

“I feel like shit
, but the medication is helping. I’m not concerned with what happens now; I’m scared of what happens when I leave. All I can think about right now is how bad I want a drink. Even after the doctor has warned me about liver failure, I’m still jonesing for something to take the edge off,” I confessed, playing with the ends of my hair.

“It’s over,” he observed
.

He
knew I needed to hear it. “I forgive you. I forgive both of you. I’m free, Gianna. I can start my life fresh now and you can, too. You both can. You don’t have to live with the remorse anymore. No more blaming yourself. We all ruined our lives and it’s time to move on. You’re a beautiful girl who deserves a fresh start. You need to try.”

“I know. It’s not that easy though. I have no idea where to even start. I’ve numbed myself for so long.”

“I understand. It’s scary. Trust me, I’m terrified, too. Maybe you and Mack can work on your friendship, you can be in each other’s lives again.”

“Right. I know I would like that,” I related.

“I’m sure she would, too.”

We stayed silent for a while. Both of us lost in our thoughts on what to say next. I was dreading what was to come. As much as I wished it could be different, I knew better
than to give myself false illusions.

“What happens now, with you? Am I ever going to see you again?” he shrugged and cocked an eyebrow.

“I’m in the same boat you are. I have been filled with revenge and hate for the last several years and now it’s my turn to start over. My father died a few years ago and he left me quite a bit of money. I’m thinking I may start a business or something independent. It will probably be difficult for me to get employment. I’d like to buy a house on a lake, maybe. Something quiet and away from the chaos,” he said.

“With a woman? Have a family again? Is that in your plans
, too?” The bitter tone in my voice was inevitable, but I couldn’t help it. The thought of him being with someone else who wasn’t me made me want to drink. I had to stop thinking like that. 

He scratched his head
. “I think it’s a little early to start thinking about that. At least for me...” I turned my face to look out the window. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I said goodbye to him once and it nearly killed me. What would it do this time?

The moon was bright
. All the stars in the sky made me think about when I was a child and wished on that shooting star. If I saw one right then, I would wish there was a world where James and I could be together. Where our love would prevail and it was all or nothing. I wanted to get up and open a window, I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t know what I expected. How did I get my heart back from a man it rightfully belonged to? I couldn’t watch my happiness leave me again. I just couldn’t do it.

I
knew I needed to love myself before I could think about loving someone else. That was the problem all along. It took eight years to finally figure it out. First thing I needed to do was work on myself. The only reason I was in such a situation was because I wasn’t happy as a person and I allowed that to influence me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, bringing my attention back to him. “You’re not completely to blame for everything that transpired. It could have been different. But there’s no point to reminisce about things we can’t change. It’s in the past and it would be better for all of us to just leave it there.”

I nodded. “I agree.”

He chuckled
. “Wow. I thought you were going to argue with me.”

“There’s nothing left to fight for, James.” His eyebrows raised and hurt was evident among his eyes.

He got up to walk over to me, but I put my hand up in the air. “Don’t,” I pleaded. “Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be. We had our closure, remember? Just wish me well and walk away.”

He blinked a few times
, taking in my request. “Please take care of yourself, Gianna.” Concerned and hurt layered his voice.

“You
, too, James.” He nodded and walked toward the door, turning before walking out.

“You know
, Gianna really is a beautiful name,” he said, making me chuckle. “I think you should bury G and embrace Gianna.”

“I think you’re right.”

He smiled and walked out of my life for the last time.

I waited for the chaos to erupt the second I heard the door close. I thought the emotions I would feel would have me pulling out my IV and discharging myself to go to the nearest bar. To my surprise
, I felt peace. I think that’s the best word to describe it…had this whole ordeal been a blessing in disguise? How morbid is it to even think that?

My captor had become my savior…

The next morning I was forced to eat cereal and do laps in the hallway. My stiff muscles were sore before I even made it back to the bed. The nurse gave me a few magazines and I had gotten so lost in the celebrity gossip that I didn’t even hear Mack come in.

“I worked at that magazine,” she said, making me look up. She looked better, healthier. “Did I miss anything pivotal?”

“Yeah, Christian Donovon broke up with Ashley Mayor,” I replied, making her smile.

“I spoke to the cops this morning, Mack. They wanted my statement and I told them that I didn’t remember anything. They didn’t really believe me, but I wasn’t going to turn him
in, again. I couldn’t do it.”

She nodded
. “Yeah, I know. He came to my room after he left yours. Are you okay?”

“I think so. I can’t get any worse.”

She sat at the edge of my bed. “He’s just as lost as you are, Gia. I know that probably doesn’t make you feel any better. But he’s just as lost and confused. I know you still love him and I know he still loves you.”

“I hate feelings. They fucking suck,” I sighed.

She laughed and gave me a sad smile. “Sometimes you have to walk away from people you love to find yourself.”

“You’re like the Dal
ai Lama right now, do you want to give me a fortune cookie, too?”

“Asshole,” she stated, trying not to laugh.

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay, I’m just tired more
than anything. I get discharged tomorrow though. So…” We smiled at each other. It felt familiar and comforting to be sitting with her like we had when we were younger, like nothing had changed even thought everything had.