Shhh...Mack's Side (18 page)

I led Mr. Nichols down the hall, down the stairs and out the broken down doors. I could go to the stre
am alone and knew my way around. I didn’t really need him to go with me anymore, well, other than the fact that I might escape.

“You said Gia didn’t know because of you. What did you mean?”

“Shut up. I’m asking the questions. Answer one thing for me and I will tell you.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

“Where’s the baby?”

Maybe not that one.

“What baby?”

“Don’t play coy with me. I’ve spent the last year researching you. You gave birth to a baby girl three years ago. Do you want to know what I was going to do? I was going to take her from you. Like you did me. You don’t have her. You’ve never had her.”

“She’s dead!” I angrily exclaimed, turning on him. He shoved me, turning me back the way I was to go.

“Why? Why is she dead?”

“I killed her.”

“You know
, I believe that. I really do. How’d you do that?”

“I drank. A lot. She came
too early and she had a hole in her heart.”

“You’re out there. You’re so fucking out there, Mack. I would have never in a million years thought you’d turn out like this. Gia, on the other hand, yeah. You. Uh-uh, no way. You were so well put together, so rounded and balanced. I knew you were going to do great things the first day you came strolling into my class, right behind Gia. See. That was your problem. You were always right behind Gia. You were never in front. Gia was the ring leader. Not you.”

“You don’t know anything about how put together I was, and furthermore, we were equals.” He was pissing me off. He didn’t know shit about us. We loved each other. We were best friends, sharing things most people couldn’t even fathom.

“Yeah, you were equals, sharing secrets, from each other.”

“If you have something to say, just say it,” I ordered, stopping in front of him. It didn’t work. He still had the upper hand. He shoved me. I either had to keep going or fall down.

“I’ll say it when I feel like saying it. I’ve had many years to think about it. And you know what else, McKenzie?
Your baby would have died anyway. I was going to make sure of it.”

I didn’t have to think about reacting. I just did. I turned on him, clawing at his face, screaming how much I hated him while m
y fists beat off his chest, shoving him. The water was so cold. The instant sting to my skin caused me to gasp. Mr. Nichols easily scooped me up and tossed me to the shallow water. I felt a piercing pain to the palm of my hand. Lifting it to see the blood, I pulled the broken shard, releasing more blood. Mr. Nichols didn’t care. He acted as though he didn’t see the blood run down my arm.

“Have you done anything with
your life but run, McKenzie?” he asked with a straight finger, dropping the duffle bag from his shoulder. He tossed me the bar of soap and I caught it midair with my good hand. “What the fuck happened to you? You had the whole world at your fingertips. You were going places.”

“
I was never going any were.”

“Did your baby dying make you this way? I can see how it would. Did she look
like a mini Gia?” he asked, calming his tone.

I ignored his assumption on my dead baby’s looks and her baby daddy. “Does Gia know? You can’t tell Gia. She’d never forgive me.”

“Why, Mack? You still see the guy?”

“No. Never. The night I got pregnant with her… Mr. Nichols,” I stopped. I wasn’t sharing that with him. He didn’t know shit, and I wasn’t volunteering it.

“What?”

“I really am sorry. I hate it that Cara can’t be in your life.”

“You left during the trial.”

“I had to go to school,” I said making excuses.

“Oh, well since you had to go to school,” he taunted.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Does he know?”

“Know what?”

“Does he know about her?”

“No. I could never tell him.”

“What about your parents. Where do they think
their only grandchild is?”

“They don’t know about her. She was easy to hide and then she died, so I didn’t need to tell them.”

“How long did she live?”

“I don’t know. I left.”

“You left her?”

I looked down at the blood in my hand, feeling the stinging guilt.

She weighed 2 ½ pounds and was sixteen inches long. I didn’t want my mom. I wanted Gia. I barely got to see her. They rushed her away into surgery where they would keep her for nine hours. That was the nine hours I cried for Gia. And all though AJ was well aware he wasn’t her father, he tried to be there for me. He really did. I should thank him for that. His mom was in the waiting room
, waiting for a granddaughter that wasn’t hers. He didn’t have to do that. He could have left.

I loved that he didn’t leave me, but he wasn’t really who I was wanting. First
, I wanted Kyle, and then my friend. By this time, we hadn’t spoken in over a year. What was I going to say? Oh, hey Gia, how’s it going? I just had a baby and she’s sick. Can you come and be my friend?

“I d
id a bad thing,” I cried. AJ stood from his leaned position on the windowsill. Holding me tight, he kissed the top of my head while I cried. “I drank the whole time. I drank a bottle of wine every day, AJ. I did. I made her come too early. I made her heart not develop right,” I sobbed.

“Shhh, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this. The doctor already said it was a genetic defect.
”

I didn’t believe that at all. I still don’t. I believe that the closet drinking I hid to deal with things, things I should have never tried to have. Love would never work for me the way it was meant to. I knew this, and yet
, just for a second, I thought it might. I thought I could be like Gia and be happy with AJ. I couldn’t.

I waited until AJ
left me alone to seek out a much needed coffee machine and probably gain control of his own sanity. I slipped into the same gray sweats with matching hoodie, and sneakers I had come in with. Nobody suspected a thing. I walked right past the nurses’ station and down the stairwell. As sore as I was, I painfully descended five flights of stairs, afraid of running into AJ in the elevator.

I nodded to
the doorman and walked right out the door. AJ wasn’t in the elevator at all. He was sitting on a park bench with his back to me, right outside the door. I couldn’t tell if he was crying or praying.

“
I’m sorry, AJ,” I said out loud, turned left, and walked away. I never looked back. I never went back to my apartment, and I never saw AJ again. I walked away. I walked away from everything I had worked for. I was young and I didn’t really want to plant roots in Detroit anyway. I wanted to be in New York. I’d run there.

“She didn’t fucking die, McKenzie. You left her. You ran,” Mr. Nichols screamed.

I ignored him and looked at my hand. It wasn’t that bad. Squeezing my hand in
to a tight fist made the bleeding stop. I did what I had to do and I didn’t have to convince him of any of my choices. They were mine.

“What’s in the bag?”

“What bag?” he asked, puzzled at my thought process. Hey, it puzzled me too.

“The one on my bed.”

“Your clothes. I don’t need you naked anymore.”

“What are you going to do with us?”

“I have no fucking idea. Not what I had planned. You two could fuck up anything.”

“I want to know what you meant by you being the reason Gia didn’t know about her dad and me. What does that mean?”

Mr. Nichols squatted to the pebbled sand and picked up a piece of driftwood. Looking up with narrowed eyes, he contemplated me. “I watched you. I watched Mr. Edwards fuck you against the wall with his hand covering your mouth. I stood in plain, dark sight watching you get fucked by your best friend’s dad. That’s why you weren’t interested in any of the high school boys. You were too busy with Gia’s dad.”

“I’m freezing, can I get out?” I asked after rinsing the bar soap from my hair. Mr. Nichols stood and tossed me a towel from the backpack he always carried to the creek.

I wrapped myself up and sat beside him, wishing I could lean into him for warmth.

“
Why didn’t you use that in court?”

“And say what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know about any of this. I’m sorry. I am so sorry and I can’t make it better for you.”

“Shut the fuck up. You want to hear the story or not?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“You see, Best Friend Mack. Gia hid stuff from you
, too. I was watching you fuck her daddy.”

I gasped and turned wide eyed, right to him. I couldn’t respond with words. I raised my brows wanting him to continue.

“Gia was coming in from the back of the kitchen. I turned her and made her leave before she saw anything.”

I was mortified. Mr. Nichols watched me have sex with Kyle.

Mr. Nichols and I talked all the way back to my room. He asked questions about Gia and I growing up and I explained to him how it had always been Gia and Mack. Always was, always will. That was our motto. Even as little girls, we planned our lives. My mind had gone from fucking Kyle against the wall senior year to being six in five point seven seconds.

“Gia, what if you move away. Jody moved away. What if you move away, too?” I worried.

“I’m not moving away,” she assured me, peddling right beside me up our street.

“But what if you do? Jody’s dad got transferred for a better job. What if your dad does that?”

Gia stopped
pedaling. I stopped too, turned back, and saw the smile on her face. It was a reassuring, we’re always going to be together, kind of smile. “Mack, we’re doing everything together. We have to be Dallas Cowgirl cheerleaders together, remember?”

“Yeah, okay.
” I smiled back. That was the moment I knew. The moment I knew Gia and I would always be Gia and Mack.  Mack and Gia.

Mr. Nichols didn’t come back inside the room with me. He shoved me and locked me in, pulling me from my childhood with Gia. Oh, how I wish I could be a little girl with Gia again. My clothes were clean. It felt good to have clothes again. The things we take for granted are the things we never think about. Family, good food, friends, and freedom.

I lived flashes of my life for hours. Gianna and I played in the sandbox, dressed in the same 4th of July outfits. Little blue bloomers with white stars with red dresses and one silver sparkly star in the middle. We watched the fireworks together that night over the southwestern coast of Ponson Island. We held hands, laying on our patriotic blanket, watching the sky fill with sprinkling lights and loud thunder. We were five that summer.

I remembered six, seven, eight and then twelve. Twelve was the first dance competition we’d ever won. It drove us both to do better. Our basements were lined with wrestling mats, wall mirrors, and every DVD available to teach us one more move, one more jump. By the time we were teenagers, we knew we had to bring something new to every event. We practiced, and we practiced some more.

Gia and I ate, breathed, and lived competing by the time we were in middle school. Both our rooms were lined with rewards of hard work. First place trophies, blue ribbons, and photos of competitions all over the east coast. The last one we attended was the one that got us to state. The
farthest we’d ever make it. That was it. That was our title, and predictions were plentiful of Team Matrix, taking it all.

Kyle was the only parent that went with us. The rest of the gang was arriving the next day, unable to get away from work. Kyle drove us the four hours to Pittsburg. I was glad that he did, hoping to get him alone for a little while. I wanted to say goodbye. This had to be it. I was getting ready to graduate high school, and
needed this time to grow up. I had spent my entire high school life growing up with Kyle. It was time to move on.

Gia fell asleep in the back seat at one point, and we talked some then. I knew she couldn’t hear a word I was saying. I could hear everybody in the club getting tipsy coming from the earphones. I laughed. She was no doubt asleep. She hated that song.

“You haven’t replied to any of my messages,” Kyle said, taking my hand. Already knowing
he felt it, too. He knew.  I turned to make sure Gia really didn’t hear. She didn’t. It was just like one of those times you go back in the house to make sure you shut the coffee pot off, knowing you did. She was sound asleep.

“I’m going to graduate next month,” I said, moving my hand from his. If Gia opened her eyes, she’d be able to see.

“I know,” Kyle sadly replied with half a smile.

“We’re done, Kyle. You know this, right?”

“Yeah, I do. I’m sorry, McKenzie. I’m sorry I’ve screwed all this up for you.”

Kyle was apologizing for my entire, fucked up, nothing but a lie, high school life. I smiled to myself thinking about the nights I lay awake, wondering if he knew what this had done to my teenage years. The years I was supposed to be hanging out with my friends, experimenting with life. I missed it all because of Kyle. Yeah, we went to the parties, sure, but I spent most of them texting Kyle. He worried more about me being at those parties than he did his own
daughter.

The whole time I was texting him, telling him he was being stupid, and I wasn’t even talking to a guy, his daughter was in the next room with a cock in her mouth. I never mentioned that part. I learned my lesson from that. The very first night Gia and I were at
a party, after the first time with him, he texted me. He knew we were going to a sweet sixteen pool party where a lot of guys would be. I thought it was cute at first. Up until the tenth message.

Mack—Really Kyle? This is getting a little stalky. Stop it. Your daughter is getting banged as we speak.

That pissed him off. Gia and I weren’t allowed to go anywhere for weeks.

“What the fuck, Mack?” Gia complained, plopping to the chase lounge beside me. “He said no. He hasn’t let me out of this house since Holden’s party. You think he heard we were drinking?”

Yeah that and then some. “No, how could he? It doesn’t matter. My dad said no, too,” I lied. I hadn’t even asked to go to Maranda’s party. I didn’t really care. I would have rather stayed home and stared at Kyle through the window. Texting and chatting with him online. That was when we’d first started doing that.

I had just walked into my room with a towel around me when my phone rang. I looked at it peculiarly and answered. Kyle never called me. Ever.

“Drop the towel.”

“What? Where are you?”

“Over the garage in my office. The door is shut. Nobody can see you.”

I walked over to the window to look. One big window above the garage was the only place anyone could see in my room. Kyle’s office window.

“See? I’m the only one. Drop it. Let me look at you.”

That was the first night I knew how men operated. Men would do anything for sex. I came to love performing for him. It meant one thing. When I finally got him alone. It was go
ing to be crazy, fucked up, hot sex. I used my newfound information to my full advantage, tormenting him every chance I got. Even in his own home. I would wait for him to go to the kitchen and follow him, needing a drink. 

“McKenzie, Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you?” Kyle asked, pushing my mouth away from his, looking over my shoulder to see if anyone had
seen. It didn’t matter. I got my tongue in long enough to give him a taste, my hips thrust into his enough to give him a feel, and my narrowed eyes told him what I wanted. I loved the way he would lick my cherry lip gloss from his lips.

I had been fucking with Kyle for nine straight days before it caught up with me. Gia and I went along to a house warming party her mom was having at Cascade Country Club. We only went because her mom gave us her credit card for new party dresses. Chelsea Weller was having
a big party for something. I forget what. She had a party for everything. I was wearing a short, black, party dress with a long V, showing cleavage an inch past my breasts. I was buying a dress for Kyle, not a house warming or a friend’s party. I had one thing on my mind while choosing my purchase, carefully. Kyle.

“You girls look nice,” Kyle said, eyeing my breasts while Gia texted, using both thumbs. Kyle was late. My dad and he got tied up in a meeting and he met us there.

“Thanks, come on,” Gia said, pulling me a way. “Okay, we’re good. Your mom thinks we’re staying at Ashley’s. She’s picking us up at nine. If my parents ask any questions, we’re just having a sleepover, watching movies and getting pizza,” Gia instructed.

“Yeah, okay,” I agreed. I didn’t want to go. By this time in our relationship, it was more of a hassle than fun. I’d drink a drink or two, pretend to drink more, and
fictitiously have sex with some guy who would brag about it the next day.

I screwed with Kyle the entire night. Once when I had to squeeze around him behind the counter, I moved his hand to my waist, letting it glide over my stomach. I flashed him a couple times, leaving my panties in my purse for later. I wouldn’t be flashing that to anyone at Chelsea’s party.

Gia’s mother dragged her off to meet the clients that just placed a significant amount of commission in her bank account, ensuring her vacation planning would be an exotic success, one up on my mom. I walked down the hall to the entrance, head down, thumbs on cell phone.

I was really scared for half a second. One large hand covered my mouth and one arm squeezed me around the waist. The only thing that kept me from trying to scream or struggle was his scent. I longed for that smell. 

“You idiot. You’re going to get us both killed.”

“I’m going to kill you. I
have walked around with a hard-on for almost two weeks. You’re fucking evil,” Kyle accused, raising my dress over my hips. “No fucking panties. Are you kidding? What the hell are you trying to do? I was ready to kill you when you did that. Where the hell are your panties?” Kyle asked, backing me to a desk. No not a desk. It was more like a
conference table. “I have been walking around for two hours with my hands concealing my erection.”

I laughed into his mouth, claiming it with my tongue. “Maybe you should just fuck me,” I taunted, moving back on the dark table, spreading my legs for him. Kyle locked the door behind him and flipped on the light. Shit. I couldn’t be this bold with lights.

“What’s the matter, Mack?” Kyle taunted, pulling my suddenly modest knees apart. “You didn’t have a problem showing this to me earlier,” he alleged, releasing his rock hard cock to his hand. My fingers tried to grasp the slick wood when he moved between my legs and licked one long, captivating lick. “You think this is a game?” he asked, licking me again. Shit. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even breathe.

Kyle tortured me for what seemed like hours. I’m sure it wasn’t
. We didn’t have that much time and it never took me that long. Digging my heels into his back, Kyle sucked hard on my clit, and I squeezed my legs around his face. He stopped. Shit. He stopped.

“How’s it feel,
Kenzie?” he asked, moving his middle finger in and out of me, and away from the area that would bring me great pleasure. I sat up, trying to get close enough for him to slide in me. He backed up, but moved the head of his cock around my clit, spreading my wetness around and around. Ah fuck.

“Get on your knees,” Kyle ordered. That was my first blow job. I never wanted to do it. I always thought it was gross. Gia used to tell me how erotic it could be and I told her she was
fucking crazy. There was nothing erotic about a boy’s penis in my mouth. I was never doing that. I didn’t care who thought it was weird. No fucking way.

I didn’t have much of a choice. Kyle pulled me to the floor by my hair and I dropped to my knees. “Oh fuck, McKenzie,” he moaned, sliding his head between my lips. I wasn’t really sure what to do, so I just sucked. The term suck my dick was the only thing I had to go by. I sucked him in and out of my mouth, taking a little more each time. Gia was right. It was the most erotic thing I’d ever done. Kyle being in my mouth wasn’t repulsive at all. It was hot as hell.

I moaned when I moved my fingers between my legs, rubbing the slippery liquid through my folds and to my throbbing nub. Hmm, nothing on earth felt as good as my own fingers. I sucked harder, using my hand and saliva to guide my hand up and down his shaft. Kyle thrust his hips in, fisted my hair and pumped hard. I wanted to gag, but it would go away as soon as his head left contact with the back of my throat. The harder he thrust in and out of my throat, forcing my head to sink to his balls, the harder I rubbed my aching clit.

“Ah, yeah, rub it for me Kenz, rub it,” he moaned. I did. I rubbed, frantically, feeling the build in my stomach and then my core. Trying to open my mouth for the moan to escape, Kyle held my head and let go
, too. I held it in my mouth, trying not to let it slide down my throat. This part may be a little gross. Kyle tapped my cheek with his hand, and moved his cock in and out slowly.

“Swallow me,” he whispered. Fuck. I didn’t want to do that.

“Uh-uh,” I mumbled.

“Open your mouth,” he ordered, using his thumb to help my jaws listen to him. I opened for him and he tilted my head. Kyle placed both his hands on the table behind me and fucked my mouth again. Slowly in and out. Of course
, I eventually had to swallow.

That’s the first thing
I thought about when he pulled me to face him. He kissed me, hard and obsessively. He didn’t care that he’d just come in my mouth.

“You go out first,” he whispered to my lips.

We had many of those quickie encounters. I think the thrill of it was a lot of what kept us going. Like the time we did it below the balcony with our entire family talking above us. My mom, his wife, and my dad sat right above us talking to Gia about the next competition. The last one before state. The one where I said my goodbyes to Kyle.

The last two years of my life, sneaking around to be with Kyle
, was over. He knew it and I knew it.

“I wish you the best in everything you do, you know that, right, Mack?” Kyle asked from the front seat of his car with his daughter sleeping right behind him. He was saying goodbye. I smiled.

“I’d do it again, Kyle.”

“I’m worried that I did something. I want you to be happy, McKenzie. Find a good man and be happy. You deserve it.
You’re not sick. Don’t let people tell you that. You can do anything you want to do.”

“I hope the same for you
, too, Kyle,” I admitted. His relationship with his wife was obvious to me if it wasn’t to anyone else. They were together because of status quo and Gianna. He never looked at her the way he looked at me. She never looked at him the way I did, and I was sure their sex was just that. Sex. I was on his mind when she was beneath his body. I was sure of it.