Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) (15 page)

“
Finally! I've been trying to reach you since this afternoon.” Landon says, sounding relieved.

“
I'm fine. I had an appointment with my shrink, and she set up a group meeting for this afternoon. I got back like twenty minutes ago.”

“
A group meeting?”

“
You know… a support group.”

“
They have those for people who cut?” He asks.

“
Yeah, they do. It isn't too bad.”

“
That's cool.”

“
Why do you sound like you're not very interested?”

“
I don't know.” he replies.

“
That's not an answer. Did I do something wrong?”

“
I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I'm sorry, I'm not more talkative. I can't just pretend like you didn't almost kill yourself.”

“
Where is
this
coming from?” I ask, surprised.

“
I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. What you're doing is stupid, and it scares me.”

“
Landon, I'm working on it. I know it's stupid. Why in the hell do you think I'm going to a shrink and group meetings?”

“
Forget it,” he says sternly making my heart skip a beat.

He's never treated me like this
, and hearing him talk like this scares me. I hope he's not going to bail on me now, after everything I've been through.

“
Forget what?”

“
Forget I said anything. Forget this conversation ever happened.”

“
I can't believe you. I figured you'd be the one supporting me in this rocky spot in my life. I know what I'm doing isn't healthy. I have a problem, and I’m determined to fix it. When you're acting like this, it's not making it any easier. I'm done talking right now. I'll call you later.” I say feeling my body tense and my jaw clenching from anger.

“
Fine!” He replies with sarcasm and hangs up.

My face feels hot and my blood feels like it's about to boil. Grabbing my purse, I rush to my room
, slamming my door shut. I'm puzzled by his reaction. Irritation pulses through me as the urge to cut rises. I plop down on my bed and scream into my pillow.

Not only am I angry because of the argument, I'm mad because he caused this urge
to cut. I pull my bag from the floor to my bed. Grabbing the journal and a pen, I glance at the time and start the passage. I don't know how to begin this. It feels stupid, but I'm determined not to cut and overcome this feeling.

I know if I give in
, my streak will be ruined. I don't want to go to the next meeting to tell them I fell for it. I want the group to see me as someone who's in this for the long run, not someone forced to be there.

The anger has me tethered. I feel like a train wreck on the inside. My heart's racing, my mind feels cloudy, and I begin sweating. Trying to distract myself, I
lie down on my bed and focus on my breathing. After a few moments, it doesn't seem to help. I throw out my arm to hit my bed, when my hand hits a card. I look over and notice it's Kristen's. I pick it up and flip it in my hand, between my fingers.

Without waiting another
second, I pick up the phone and call.

“
Hello?” She answers, with a bit of hesitation within her voice.

“
Hi, Kristen its Amber, I really need a friend,” I say in a shaky voice.

“
What's going on?”

“
I have an urge, and I need your help getting though it.”

“
Okay, you can do this. Tell me what happened.”

I give her a
shortened version of Landon lashing out on me, and my body's automatic response to the stress.

“
You can make it through this. Do you have any idea what set Landon off?”

“
No I don't. He sounded angry as soon as I answered my phone. My mom mentioned he called while I was at the meeting but couldn't get through. My phone was off.”

“
That's a smart move. No cell phones are one rule Rachel takes seriously. She thinks if your attention is on your phone, you're not serious about recovery.”

“
That's what I thought. I can't believe after all I've been through within the past few days, he's going to add this drama, too.”

“
Guys can be thoughtless at times, but we have to overlook this.”

“
He makes me so foolish at times.”

“
Okay, it seems that when you get angry the urge to cut becomes live. Did you write your feelings down in your journal, like we talked about?”

“
I started to, but I'm too angry to even write.”

“
Make sure you do it as soon as you can, that way you don't forget how you’re feeling. It's important to learn your triggers, and eventually you'll learn to avoid them.”

“
I'll write it down. How did you fight this on your own?”

“
I had Rachel's help. She gave me her personal number, because my parents couldn't really grasp that cutting isn't something you can
just
give up. They figured all it took was saying no, and it was done. I had one of the best mentors anyone could have.”

“
Wow, you must really like her.”

“
I mean Jesus. He's the ultimate mentor. His guidance never leads you into the dark, but always into the light.”

“
Oh you know what I saw on the way home, and I never realized it before?”

“
What's that?”

“
Well, I've been thinking about this,
living for Jesus
thing, since you mentioned it earlier. As I was waiting in traffic, I was thinking about how I've done so much I don't think Jesus would have me. I looked up, and saw this billboard which makes me think differently. It said something about forgiveness, and made me think of you.”

“
I think I know which one you’re talking about. It surprises me the city allows it up with everyone saying no to Christians and pushing away Christ.”

“
I was never told about Him. Like, I know who He is and what He did, but no one ever taught me the way to live for Him. It seems like the way others put it, is it's basically giving you no life. That you have to be absolutely perfect, and you can't make mistakes or something.”

She answers.
“I've heard that a lot, but we have a very forgiving God. He knows being human is hard, and the devil works just as hard to keep it that way. I'm not always certain, and there are times where I find myself doing the wrong things. It happens. The thing that makes it the hardest are those who don't really understand.”

“
Just from talking with you, I feel a lot better and the urge is gone. Thank you.”

“
Another prayer answered. God is great when you rely on Him. I said a silent prayer for Him to help you through what you were facing and he did.”

“
How does one go about doing that?”

“
Doing what?”

“
Giving their life to Christ?”

“
That's easy. You want to make sure you're completely in it. You don't want to backslide, even though it happens. Next, all you do is pray for forgiveness of your sins, and give yourself to Christ. Afterward, try to live your life the way He wants us to.”

“
That's it? I don't have to go to a church or have a pastor help me do it?”

“
Not really. You don't have to go to church to believe, but we’re supposed to surround ourselves with other Christians. It helps us to push off the worldly ways and live for Him.”

“
I think that's overwhelming.”

“
No it’s not.”

“
What about the bible and church? I don't have either.”

“
I can give you a bible, and you can go to church with me. If you like it, we can go together.”

“
Sounds like a plan.”

“
Do you want to go with me on Sunday?”

“
I will have to see. I'm really interested in this and what better way to understand more?”

“
I like the way you're thinking.”

“
Thank you once again for helping me through my urge.”

“
Not a problem. I was there once, and know how hard it is.”

“
I better go now. Thanks for talking with me. I want to write down what happened and call Landon back. I can't go to bed angry at him.”

“
Okay, it was nice talking to you. If you need me again, don’t be afraid to call. I don't care what time it is. We can get through whatever together. Good night.”

“
Good night.”

I think a nice hot shower is in order. I grab some clean clothes, open my door, and step into the hallway. I feel more relaxed than what I did only an hour ago. Flashes of me sneaking down the hall to cut come to mind.

As I close the bathroom door, I remember I still have the razor hidden in the wall. I crouch down and pull the tile out. The razor s
its perfect in the little cubby. I pull it out and study it.

The feeling of darkness lingers around me, but I’m not going to give in.
I throw the razor in the trash, pull out the bag, and tie it. I want to get rid of it because having it within reach doesn't do any good for my main goal. I open the bathroom door slightly, and toss the bag into the hall. Closing the door again, I feel a sense of relief wash over me.

I turn on the water and adjust it until it is almost too hot. After undressing, I open the shower curtain
to double check the temperature by allowing a bit of water to hit my foot. Perfect. After stepping the rest of the way into the shower, I let the warm water fall against my skin, relaxing me.

The day caused
some tension, and as the warm water hits my shoulders it seems to loosen me up a bit. My thoughts drift to Landon and his reactions. He hasn't treated me like this before. I hope he can tough it out, because I'm seriously trying to get over cutting. His actions aren't helping at all. I love him dearly and it’ll break me, if he leaves over my selfishness.

I know how
damaging cutting is, but it's my way of life...well used to be anyway. I feel so lost, and at times I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. When I saw Sarah lying in the casket, it woke me up. I don't want to end up like she did. It was an unfortunate mistake on her part, and I'd be tainting her memory if I don't change my ways.

I realize
within the past week how egotistical I was being. I wasn't thinking of my mom or Landon. I wasn't thinking about what it’d do to them if they had to bury me. The ache of losing Sarah is enough for a lifetime. I couldn’t imagine putting my family through it.

If only I could tell Landon and he'd understand. I get the feeling he isn't going to be as understanding as he was before.

I wonder what Casey and Patrick think. They probably hate me too and don’t want to be around a loser who turns to cutting. I saw the way they made fun of people in school, and how mean Casey was. Who knows if they're going to be understanding with me?

All the thoughts running through my mind cause me to worry when I hear Kristen in the back of my mind. I remember her saying she prays about her worries
, and she hands them over to Christ. I wonder if I can do this when I haven't asked for forgiveness.

Instead of wondering, I think I
made up my mind. I want to try to live my life with purpose and direction. Giving my heart to Christ sounds tempting, but what will others think? Will it give them another reason to make fun of me or push me around?

I have too many questions that
need to be answered before I can do something as extreme as this.

Pulling myself away from my thoughts, I wash my
self and get out of the shower. As I open the bathroom door, I remember the garbage bag I tossed in the hall and pick it up. As I head downstairs to throw it out, my mom stops me.

“
What's that?”

“
The bathroom garbage.”

“
Why are you throwing it out? It's barely full.”

“
I threw away a razor and don't want easy access to it.”

“
Hand it to me and I'll take care of it. I'll put it out where you won't find it so easily.”

“
Thanks,” I say handing her the bag and smiling.

It's great to see my mom supporting me. She was my main concern when I thought about people finding out. Instead of going downstairs, I turn and make my way back
to my bedroom. Calling Landon is weighing heavily on my mind. I need to work things out with him. I hate arguing, and detest when we’re upset with each other.