Six (6 page)

“Oh,” I say shakily. The smile on Finn’s face is victorious. He is not just my protector. Finn is a man.

I am suddenly acutely aware of the difference.

Chapter Seven

January 12th, Morning

Finn has trapped me in a wooden hut. It is made of the same wood as the houses in the circle, but it is much, much smaller. It holds one person lying down with little room to roll over on either side. Finn obviously slept elsewhere. Not before downing two massive trees that now block my only way out. I smell faint traces of a fire, but hear nothing.

“Hello? Finn, are you there?” I call out. I cannot fathom why he traps me. I have been completely obedient. I a
lmost
feel things around Finn. The very last thing I want is to leave him. Throughout the night my mind conjured images of him shirtless. My dreams are almost always black so the interruption was jarring, but welcome. I smile thinking of his deep, throaty laughter. There is no way I will leave him intentionally.

I hear no response to my shout. The roof is triangular and also so low I am unable to stand. I root around on the ground until I find a pack of food next to the scrap of cloth I was using as a pillow. I pinch the dingy material and bring it closer to inspect it. I recognize the scrap as Finn’s shirt. It is the same shirt he wore the night before. Feeling slightly chilly, I jam my arms through the long sleeves and button it over my chest. I eat the potatoes quickly to staunch the hunger pains and begin pushing on the trees.

“Let me out!” I yell, willing anger to lace my tone. Finn needs to know I will not be caged. Still, I hear no response. I push on the downed trees harder. They are unbending. I realize then that Finn is ultimately strong. He may not have the use of magic, but he willed two enormous trees down. Given no other option and convincing myself Finn forces my hand in the matter, I conjure dark magic. I find it sitting at the surface of my mind begging to get out. The electricity zings, the numbing tingles shoot through my body more fiercely than times before.

I shake. My eyes spark white as the powers take over my body. I am myself, yet I am not, controlled by unconscious cravings. I slam my palms into the trees and they splinter as they break under my lighted power. I sink my fingers in and tear pieces of the tree trunk loose until I am free. I shake myself off, then discard the wood chips I pick from my hair.

Finn crashes through the forest moments later. He stops when he sees me in front of the hut. I am not sure why, but I smile at him. He glowers back at me.

“I was coming to let you out, darkling,” he says as he surveys the downed trees.

“I will not be caged,” I tell him. I intone the syllables oddly and I know that my eyes are still glowing white. I am more dark than human in this moment. I close my eyes tightly and try to find a way back to myself.

“I’m glad I didn’t make it in time, though. I needed to see this.” He gestures to the trees, the hut, and then his hand sweeps to me. His steely gaze roves my body one extra time before he settles on my face. “The savages were out and I needed to sleep. Those poor trees were keeping you safe while you slumbered,” Finn says gruffly, turning his face away.

I realize my boots are back in the hut so I return for them without saying another word. As I lace them back on, I try to think of a human gesture or conversation that will win me back into his good graces. Deciding to tell him a story from the old world, I pull the backpack on and step out of the hut. Assaulted with heated, wet breath, I freeze. It sticks to every inch of my exposed body like a slimy second skin.

Savage
, I think.

I shriek loudly as terror sets in. Finn is nowhere in sight. Realizing my protector has abandoned me, I scramble for the knife in the side pocket of the backpack. The first reach for the weapon is unsuccessful and my hand comes back empty. The pack is cumbersome and I cannot maneuver well. I take a measured step back and it follows.

The savage gets so close I can see its misshapen, humanoid body. It reminds me of a naked human with no distinguishing features and sharp claws. Accompanying it is a smell so vile and putrid that it penetrates every available oxygen element. Screaming again is useless because I am afraid to breathe anymore of the smell in.
It smells like death
. I grab once more for the knife and come away with it tightly in my grasp. I wave it violently, yet purposefully in front of the creature. It rasps something unintelligible as I meet its vacant eyes. My dark magic wells up, threatening to burst out of my body. I push it down for the sake of controlling something…anything in this moment. A magical outburst would only draw more attention—more savages.

“Come on, savage. You want me, come and get me.” With anger and fear bleating through my body, I stab the savage through the neck. I wince when I hear my blade gush into the slimy beast. The claws come down on my arm, tearing through the shirt, causing thick blood to well. At once, I feel the clarity of pain and remember exactly how Lana does it. My teeth grit as I zone in on the creature’s neck. A fierce cry escapes as I slash it deeply, ferociously, spraying thick blood through the air. The savage collapses to the ground with a loud roaring growl. The nude colored skin hisses as a thick, green steam rises off the corpse and fills the space around me.

One final step.

“Stop scaring me.” My voice echoes as I reach down and tear the creature’s head from its neck. Of course it comes away effortlessly as my knife wound is fatally deep. Backing away from the dismembered body, I clutch the wet knife to my chest and try to catch my breath. I fall to the ground, numb, waiting to feel something.

“You don’t even need me, you were made for this,” Finn says. He approaches slowly from the outskirts of the trees.

I do not look at him. I concentrate on the two large gouge marks on my forearm from which blood is freely flowing. Finn notices what I am fixated on.

“Ah, the pain? It helps,” he says, settling next to me on the ground. I feel angry I need pain to keep the dark at bay. Pain is the closest thing to an emotion that I can feel…and control. With a wound as large as this I should not feel emotions for days, but I do.

“You were not here for me. You are supposed to protect me.” Finn turns his face away seconds after he meets my troubled gaze. He stays silent.

“It’s hard to protect someone like you.”

I sigh, weary from trying to understand everything. “Someone like me?” I do not keep the anger out of my words. I want him to know my feelings. I want to know his feelings. I want
feeling
.

“Yes, darkling. Someone like you. Someone who has the ability to destroy me.” Shaking his head, he stands and starts collecting the pieces of my mutilated creature. He drags them to the forest’s edge and stays away. When he comes back it is obvious he has decided something.

“I will try to keep you hidden from the dark witches. In return, you can’t use dark magic again. I don’t give a shit if you can control it or not. That’s the deal. Take it or leave it.” His offer has one large hole.

“What do you get out of it?” I ask. He does not bring his gaze up to meet mine when he finally answers.

“Absolutely nothing and more than you know,” he says before walking over to the large trees by my hut. He muscles one out of the way with the utmost ease.

I speak loudly so he can hear me over the churning brush. “I will never destroy you, Finn.” I smile at him and realize he wears no shirt. I look down when I remember I have it on. He notices my comprehension and a rage-filled look crosses his face as he hulks another tree deep into the forest.

He raises both eyebrows and swipes sweat from his forehead. “You already have, darkling. You already have.”

Chapter Eight

January 12th, Midday

“I’ve only been to the Dark Citadel once. It’s a very large city where all the dark magic users live. Only dark witches can come and go. All the darklings you’ve met, are unable to travel there because our dark magic is dormant, we are
feeling
. It makes us safe in a sense. They have no use for us. There are very few darklings now that laws have been passed forbidding dark witches to have relationships with humans and darklings.” Finn is answering all the questions I have about the dark witches and the Dark Citadel. Some of the things I know, but all the things that deal with darklings I do not. He agrees to tell me anything I want to know. He says it will help me understand my feelings.

“Is there any way to escape once you are there?” I ask, because even with Finn’s protection I know I cannot escape my fate. It is a fact I have embraced my entire life.

“No, not that I know of. There is so much magic guarding the palaces that the only way in or out would be by using a spell.” The terror I have tried to keep hidden rises. I now know why they call it a fate. It is the last place I will ever go. It will be my ending. The fear stems from knowing I will not be able to stay hidden forever.

“If I were like you and have all my emotions back, I could be free of the fate?” I ask, knowing it is the only option I have.

“It’s not that easy, darkling. Some emotions are easy… the bad ones. The better ones, the ones that make human life actually worth it, take a lot of time and…” he trails off. I do not like that he lets his sentence hang. I want to know everything about feeling again.

“What has to happen?” I ask. Finn keeps his distance, as he has since we made our deal, but I can see he wants to approach me. He swallows hard and clasps his hands over his head.

“You will have to actually fall in love to feel it. The other darklings grew up knowing what love was from caretakers and each other. A loving environment was enforced. You…lost that emotion as a child and have never felt it again. It will be the hardest riddle to solve, especially given your non-existent romantic options.” I let out a breath I did not know I was holding. The mention of my childhood and my mother makes me fearful I will forget her and our life together forever.

“My mother did love me,” I tell him. I get angry anytime I defend her.

“Of course, but can you remember loving her back?”

I cannot—a horrible pit in my stomach surfaces, so I lie. “Yes,” I say. I think of the memory of her chasing me around the yard. Her laugh, her bouncing brown hair…I remember it to keep her alive in my mind. Finn is correct. My mother’s love is what is all encompassing. I have never loved. Grinning, he shakes his head at my outright lie.

“It’s the last thing to worry about as it will probably be the very last thing you feel…if you even get that far.”

“Why would I not get that far?”

“Because it will probably take years and I don’t know if even I can hide you for that long.” Finn sighs in defeat. I clutch my wounded arm to feel the pain. He closes his eyes as if he aches to see me doing it. The anger ebbs. My eyes are blue.

“Help me feel quicker,” I say. My time is limited. If the dark witches will come to me, I want to feel everything before then. I do not tell Finn this. He unclasps his hands from behind his head and puts them into his pockets. I notice the blood stains on the shredded arm of his shirt. It reminds me of empty words from a passage in my lost book.

He wears his heart on his sleeve.

“I’ll take you to a circle not far from ours. You’ll be safe there. You may not understand it now, but I can’t be…with you for long periods of time.”

He just made a promise to protect me and he is already passing me off to another circle.

He notices the scowl on my face. “Don’t get angry. You’ll be protected,” he says smiling. “I’ll send Lana with you and Bec, too if you want, but I need to get away for a bit.” His jaw works at the mention of getting away.

“I feel safer with
you
.” I walk to stand in front of him. I like it when we are close. I can see his eyes better. I notice new things every time I study him. His dark eyebrows slant inward, his pink lips are never completely closed, the way his straight nose is angled perfectly between his eyes and mouth. I have no comparison, but I think Finn is probably a flawless specimen of a male darkling.

“Don’t look at me like that…or say things like that. It just makes our…arrangement even more difficult.” I know it has to do with the decree but I do not understand something.

“You cannot have sex, but can you not love?”

He exhales loudly. I am afraid I have used the wrong words. He grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger. I close my eyes when I feel his touch on my skin. It is gentle but firm. It is seamlessly catastrophic to the world as I currently know it.

“Open your eyes, darkling,” he says. I obey.

“The words sex and love are interchangeable with you…for me. You must erase these thoughts from your mind. Not me.” I want to do as he tells me, but I cannot. The something that lurches inside me when I am around Finn stays there. It does not go away like all the times before. I know it has been there since I first saw him. He repeats himself one more time.

“Not me.” When he releases my face, I feel an emotion consistent with anger…disappointment. Finn stares at me for a few more seconds and so many emotions flit across his face that it makes my head pound.