Snow Angel (37 page)

“That sounds like an amazing opportunity, son,” Bill said.

Her dad said, “It sure does,” and Peter nodded, both of them clapping Jacob heartily on the back. Her mom kissed him on both cheeks.

“Well done, Jacob,” Aunt Pat and Nancy said in unison.

“It really is,” Lois said, dabbing at the corners of her eyes. “We’re so proud of you, honey.”

“I don’t understand, though,” Karen said, her head tilted as she stepped back to study Jacob. “You’re not a doctor yet. You’re not even in medical school. How can you treat patients?”

“We won’t be operating or issuing orders or anything,” Jacob said, “this is more like being a fly on the wall on the front lines, getting to help out while doing a lot of observing, writing reports, non-medical assisting, but with more access. We’ll be going to school, too, the whole time. There’ll be a lot of homework, labs, all that sort of thing.”

“So, emptying bedpans and cool stuff like that. What’s the benefit, other than the glamorous experience?” Gabe asked.

“Everyone who successfully completes all three internships will get some extra points for consideration if they apply to Irvine’s medical school, for one. I’ll still have to pass my MCATs and everything, but this’ll be a big bonus on my application. Being at Irvine for senior year, I’ll be able to meet people who can help me get where I want to be when the time comes. Since Irvine’s my top pick for med school, anyway, this could be the key.”

“Any drawbacks?” Rick asked.

He was frowning, his eyes moving between her and Jacob. Melinda avoided catching his gaze. Christian stood with his arms crossed over his chest, a scowl on his cherubic face.

“Yeah, why’d you wait so long to tell us?” Wendell put in. “Rick told us about his play the minute he heard.”

Now Jacob looked at her. Melinda stared stonily back, waiting for him to say what she’d already figured out.

“It means I’m not going to be around very much. Like, at all. There’ll be some breaks, but it’ll be over a year total. At least.”

His gaze implored her for understanding, but it was all she could do not to run out of the room. How could he have kept this to himself, how could he not have told her? All his talk about love and wanting to be together. How could they be together if he wasn’t even around?

She’d broken her own rules, ignored her common sense, and fallen in love with him like a fool.

And now… He was leaving her.

Melinda wanted to kick herself. Wasn’t this exactly why she’d never let herself pursue her daydreams about Jacob? She
knew
he wanted the traveler’s lifestyle, never in one place for long, no home base, always on the go. She’d believed it wouldn’t be an issue until he actually became a team doctor at some distant time in the future, but no, he’d found a way to make it happen years earlier.

Irvine was nothing new. She’d known he’d wind up there to get his medical degree. It was a year earlier than expected, that was all. Yet it brought their differences front and center in a way she could not ignore, no matter how much her heart wanted to be with him.

This was only the beginning.

How could they possibly be together when their foundations, their basic needs and desires, were so totally incompatible?

Talk continued around her, but Melinda no longer heard anything anyone said. Numbness descended, and she welcomed it, thankful she didn’t have to fight her tears in front of everyone. Tears would come later. Now… she didn’t feel anything at all.

Just empty.

The same way her future looked, stretching out for decades in front of her. How cruel, to discover her best friend was truly her soul mate, to feel the sheer mind-bending power of that pure joy, that love, only to lose it almost immediately. All in less than a week.

Now what could she look forward to? Years and years spent pining for someone she loved but would never have.

Sure, she could toss away her own dreams and follow him wherever he went. Or stay where she wanted to be, contenting herself with his presence whenever he blew through town. Either way, she’d be lonely and miserable. Eventually they’d come to hate each other.

Well, she wasn’t having it.

She’d put a stop to it right this second. Thank God they hadn’t gone any further with their little relationship experiment. A few kisses, that was nothing. They could come back from that, pretend it was vacation-induced temporary insanity and return to friends-as-usual.

If her heart weighed like it had turned to a thousand-pound cement block, well, she’d deal with that later.

Her cousins kept trying to grab her attention, but Melinda ignored them. She didn’t want to talk about it. As soon as she could escape without anyone making note of it, she said goodnight to the room in general and made her way to the loft. Christian tried to waylay her with a hand to her arm, but she shook her head and kept moving.

Jacob—still engrossed in conversation with his parents—would be a while, which gave her time to figure out what she’d say when he came up.

Melinda sat on the edge of her bed facing the window, one hand wrapped around her waist and the other rubbing the sore spot over her heart.

Outside, the mountains soared upward, vague shapes gone slightly blue in the greater dark and steadily falling snow.

She stared and stared.

No solutions came. Her mind stayed stubbornly blank except for the endless questions circling in ever-increasing frustration.

Was she being stupid, clinging to her desire to live in Pasodoro? She tried to imagine her little dream house, the way she so often did. It always brought her pleasure, a sense of security, and confidence in her goals. Her future.

Now it stood empty and desolate without Jacob inside it to make it a home.

How quickly she’d placed him there in her mind. How quickly her daydream children had become his children.
Their
children. How quickly she’d given over every part of herself to him. Every wish, every goal, every dream.

Without even realizing the loss.

She’d jumped in with both feet after all, and it was only now, with the waters closing over her head, that she realized she didn’t know how to swim.

“Hey,” Jacob said softly from behind her, making her jolt. She hadn’t heard him on the stairs. “Are you okay?”

Melinda shrugged, finally noticing the downstairs had gone dark and quiet. Everyone had gone to bed. She’d sat blindly staring out the window longer than she’d realized.

“Are you mad?” he asked.

She shrugged again, then shook her head. Though the numbness was starting to wear off, anger was not among the emotions beginning to clog her lungs.

Sitting beside her, Jacob stared out the window, too, and blew out a slow breath. He reached for her hand, again slowly, almost hesitantly, as though he feared she’d jerk her fingers away. His shoulders seemed to relax a bit when she folded her hand in his.

Neither spoke, both of them continuing to stare out the window. The silence in the condo deepened until Melinda swore she could hear her heart and Jacob’s beating in time together.

Jacob cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Mel.”

Still not looking at him, she said, “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

She gave herself points for the steadiness of her voice, despite the hurt winging through the widening cracks in her composure. No tears dampened the corners of her eyes, another point. She was beyond tears.

When he didn’t answer, she added, “You’ve been keeping this to yourself for months. Months, Jake. I thought we told each other everything. Even more so—”
Now,
she meant to add, even more so
now,
but she couldn’t get the word out.

“I know.”

He squeezed her hand, then let go, propping his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. Melinda willed herself statue-still.

“I started to a few times,” he said, rubbing his fingers through his hair. “More than a few. At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone until it was a sure thing. Then I wanted it to be the right time. I almost spilled it the night before we left to come here. At dinner. Then Rick got his phone call, and I didn’t want to detract from his news. It seemed easier to wait until after the trip.”

Easier for you.
More hurt pushed through the frozen shell surrounding her emotions.

“You told Eddie.”
And not me, how could you not have told me?

“He’s my roommate, Mel. I had to tell him. He needs time to find somebody before I move out.”

“Okay, but—”

Steady,
she cautioned herself when her voice went thick.
Keep it impersonal. Keep calm. Just the facts.

“This week—what happened with us—I knew I needed to tell you, Mel…”

“But?”

Cold. She was so cold. Inside and out, all over, her whole body. She wanted Jacob’s warmth around her, yet as close as they sat on the bed, they might as well have been perched on distant, ice-bound mountain peaks.

“Look, it’s not like I’m going to Afghanistan for three years or anything,” he said. “I’ll still be around. Maybe not as much as either of us would like, but it doesn’t have to be this big of a deal.”

“Not a big deal? No, of course not,” she said, firing up. “Not for you. You’ll be off gallivanting across the world, doing what you’ve wanted to do from the beginning. While I’m what? Waiting around for you to grace me with your presence as time allows?”

“Doing what you want to be doing,” he said pointedly, “where you want to be doing it.”

“Alone,” she countered. “If we’re going to be together, I actually want us to be, you know, together. Otherwise what’s the point?”

“I want that, too, more than anything—”

“That’s not what it sounds like,” she said.

“Then come with me.”

“Then stay.”

“Mel!” he said, blowing out a breath that was half laugh, half pure exasperation. “God, you’re impossible.”

“So are you. You should have told me all this, Jake, before we started anything. This is a big deal for you, I get that. I would have helped you celebrate, even though I’d miss you so much. And right now I’d only have to worry about missing my best friend instead of my heart ripping out of my chest.”

“Melinda,” he said, and now his voice was low, full of regret. He took her hand again, squeezed hard. “You’re killing me.”

“Same goes,” she whispered.

Silence wrapped around them again, each caught in the web of their own thoughts.

“Everything happened out of order, you know?” Jacob said. He gestured widely with his hands, as though encompassing the entire mess of their relationship. “And fast. I didn’t want to blow it before we even had a chance to try.”

“Why try when you knew this was coming?” she asked, aware her voice was starting to hitch. “Why take us down that road? This is exactly the sort of thing I meant, Jacob, our goals are too different. We don’t—”

“Don’t say it,” Jacob said, twisting around to kneel on the floor in front of her, his hands gripping her thighs. In the near dark, his eyes glimmered. “Don’t.”

“But—”

“I knew you’d be upset,” he said, his voice getting faster the more she pulled back. “I know it’s not ideal, and the timing sucks, but this doesn’t really change anything.”

Melinda drew a careful breath, painful bands tightening around her heart. She nodded. “You’re right. It only moves up the inevitable.”

“Melinda,” he said, his voice now as raw as she felt inside, “don’t do this. We can make it work, I know it. If you’ll give us a chance. I have some ideas—”

There was only one question she needed an answer to. “How?”

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

How?
It was such a small word for such a big question.

Melinda held her breath, hoping against hope that Jacob would have the answer. Some way for them to be together despite everything. He hesitated as if he would speak, then only shook his head, and her heart cracked wide open.

He slid his palms along the sides of her thighs, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer.

Tighter.

A big, strong man, offering her all his strength, all his comfort, and she wanted it all, but a sob trembled on her lips, knowing he was not to be hers. He overwhelmed her, undid her. Destroyed her.

Jacob dropped his head into her lap and held on as though he’d never let her go.

He said, “We’ll find a way,” but she already knew there was no way, no solution that would give them both what they wanted and needed from their futures.

It took everything she had not to reach out to him, not to run her hands through his hair, over his shoulders and down his back, not to hold onto him as tightly as he was holding her. Pain razored every nerve ending.

She told herself it was better to start the separation now, better not to pretend, even as every cell in her body seemed to cry out in need.

“Jacob,” she said, her voice low, her throat throbbing with unshed tears. She allowed herself one small touch, a hand to his shoulder. “We should get some sleep.”

In answer, he squeezed her more tightly yet, but finally, finally he sat back on his heels. With one arm still around her, he grasped her chin with his free hand, forcing her to meet his gaze.

“Look at me,” he demanded when she closed her eyes to escape the intensity of his all-seeing stare.

She obeyed reluctantly, knowing he could hear her shallow, unsteady breaths, the pounding of her heart. Could he tell how close she was to giving in, to throwing her arms around him, tossing away her dreams, and promising to follow him wherever he might lead?

Anything to escape the pain of losing him.

Staring deeply into her eyes, he held her there for one long moment. Then he reached up, leaned forward, and kissed her senseless.

It was like being tossed into the middle of a whirlpool. The room seemed to revolve around her head, and she spun with it, no awareness of up or down or right or wrong.

There was only Jacob and his blistering kiss.

When he broke the contact, she gulped air like a drowning person. The kiss might have lasted an hour or a day. A month or a year. She had no concept of time. She heard no sound but her own thundering heart, tasted nothing but the sweet saltiness of his lips. Felt nothing but his hard, strong body pressed to hers. He filled her vision. His scent filled her lungs.

He’d stripped her of every one of her senses and filled the empty spaces with himself. It was too much, and she started up in a panic, overpowered, but his hold on her kept her in place.

“Understand one thing,” he said, his voice a whisper now, though it echoed like a gong in her mind. “I love you. And this isn’t over.” Standing, Jacob kissed the top of her head, and said, “For now, get some rest,” as though everything were completely normal.

He made his way to the other side of the room where he rustled around, presumably getting into his pajamas, before dropping heavily onto his bed.

Melinda sat where he’d left her, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. No words came to her lips. No words came to her mind, either. She’d never been kissed all the way brainless before. Jacob had brushed the ragged edges of it yesterday, but…

Wow.

Melinda stifled the somewhat hysterical giggle that wanted to rise into her throat. He definitely knew how to kiss, but she wasn’t sure she cared for the total loss of intellect and basic motor skills.

Weak limbed, she forced herself to move, shifting to climb beneath the covers. Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Jacob, his arms crossed behind his head, staring straight up at the ceiling. His knees were drawn up, tenting the blankets, to keep his feet from dangling off the end of the bed.

Mimicking his position, she stared at the ceiling as well.

Disconnected images and nonsensical phrases floated along the paths of the brain cells Jacob’s kiss had unraveled. She stared until her eyes watered. No answers appeared upon the wooden beams above her head.

When her body cried out for Jacob to come sleep with her again, she told it to shut up.

The silence in the loft deepened, thick with tension, but neither of them moved, and neither of them slept for a very long time.

Just as she was finally about to drop off, she heard him murmur, “Goodnight, shortcake.”

She didn’t answer, but in her mind, she whispered, “G’night, pickle relish.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jacob rolled his head back and forth along his seat’s headrest, wishing they were already home. The trip was taking for-freaking-ever, even without any delays like the ones they’d had on the drive to Utah the previous week.

The blizzard of the day before had blown itself out sometime before midnight, and the plows had worked all night, so the roads were in decent condition, though edged on both sides by some of the largest piles of snow Jacob had ever seen.

No, by any rational time-keeping system, their return trip took the standard six hours it should have. It was only in his mind that time seemed to slow to a crawl.

Melinda sat in the SUV’s passenger seat, and he’d taken his usual spot behind her, neither of them wanting to make a change in their seating into an issue. They’d gotten through breakfast by being scrupulously polite, though both of their mothers had inquired if they were coming down with colds thanks to their pale faces and tired eyes.

Jacob sighed. If only it were as simple as a cold.

He figured it was painfully obvious to anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together that he and Melinda were at odds. No one said a word.

Eddie—who’d already pulled Jacob aside several times that morning to apologize again for his big mouth—and Rick had parked themselves in the backseat this time, proclaiming a temporary boycott on grown-ups and their choice of driving music. Christian and Wendell, who didn’t much like the ‘ancient’ 1980s music preferred in the younger generation’s vehicle, but who’d brought their handheld games in any case, settled in the smaller car with Aunt Pat, Uncle Allan, and Eddie’s parents.

It hardly mattered, since the music stayed off and the car cruised forward in heavy silence. Danny had woken with a migraine and was camped out in the middle seat next to Jacob, his head back and his eyes closed while Gabe maneuvered the SUV through the light traffic.

The car stayed quiet until they stopped in Las Vegas for a quick lunch—In-N-Out again, much to Christian and Wendell’s delight—and they got out to stretch their legs.

By then, Danny’s medication had done its work, and he was feeling better, though he still looked pretty beaten down.

Back on the road after lunch, Gabe turned the music on low so as not to disturb Danny, and talked to Melinda about school, their summer plans, and the races he had coming up.

Jacob listened with half an ear, wondering what it would be like between himself and Melinda by next summer—camping together, going to Rick’s play or Gabe’s races, fishing at Eddie’s, or any of the events he might be able to make with his new schedule—if they hadn’t sorted out their relationship.

Rubbing a hand over his heart, he stared out the window. Somehow, they had to fix the mess they’d made, and despite what Melinda had said, the only fix he was interested in was the one that ended with them together.

He should have told her his ideas last night. Instead, he’d let nerves get in the way, had convinced himself she wasn’t ready to hear him yet, that it would be better to wait until he was sure. Until he had everything solidly in line.

Wasn’t that the sort of thinking that had gotten him into this mess in the first place? Holding back. Keeping secrets. Well, he’d learned his lesson, finally. He’d make it right.

Though the clock seemed to move backward, the scenery sped by. It was mildly depressing to be back down out of the mountains, away from all the gorgeous snow and scenery. Back to the brown, winter-dead desert.

Even Vegas, for all its flashy nighttime glamour, seemed dull and tacky in the bright early-afternoon sunlight.

But it was familiar, and close to home, and he was plenty ready to be back in his own house, his own room, his own long-enough bed.

It would be even better to have Melinda there with him. And he would, he vowed.

Somehow.

There were scary, exciting, pulse-pounding possibilities in the wind. It would be up to him to make them happen in a way that would make them both happy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So much had changed in the past ten days. Surely she’d lived an entire year instead of less than half a month. Even looking at Jacob in the car’s mirror had Melinda’s heartbeat racing, her breath coming shallow and fast, nerves and needs tangling over her skin and grinding against the despair that threatened to drag her down into a deep, dark pit.

She had a lot to think about in the coming weeks.

The trip home flew by, a welcome difference compared to the drive to Utah. And she thought about Jacob the entire way, even as she talked with Gabe or listened to the quiet music on the radio.

It was already dark when they wound through Victorville at just after five in the afternoon, the height of traffic hour. They passed by Hesperia’s Main Street exit in favor of the less congested Ranchero Road, following it all the way out to Hesperia Lake before making the turn into Pasodoro.

Skirting the quiet town square, with its old-fashioned globe lamps still ringed with Christmas lights and hung with festive wreaths, they crossed the bridge over the dry Mojave riverbed and finally pulled up to the gate in front of their house.

From the lead vehicle, her dad hopped out to deal with the lock. Beyond the gate, the house glowed in the automated house lights, the warm peach stucco, burnt umber roof tiles, and pretty, landscaped yard a welcome sight to Melinda’s tired eyes.

Gardening in the desert could be challenging with the extreme temperatures, rocky soil, frequent droughts, high winds, and the ever-present fire danger, but her mom managed to create lasting beauty out of her carefully selected plants.

With her mother’s artistic vision and her dad’s business flair, their company thrived along with the foliage, and the land around their home showed off their hard work.

Every time she came through the front gates, Melinda’s heart filled with pride and contentment. It was good to be home.

“All right, troops,” Stan said once they were all parked and stretching outside the cars. “Time to divide and conquer.”

Her dad gave out his standard post-vacation organizational orders, including an invitation for anyone who wanted to stay to a last group dinner before heading home, then paused for an extended stretch of his own before tossing a set of keys to Rick.

“Grab the dogs from the sitter, if you would,” Stan said. Turning back to everyone else, he clapped his hands and said, “Okay. Let’s do this.”

It didn’t take long to divvy up the gear, even with the return of the joyful dogs running and jumping about, but the group was so worn out, no one decided to stay for dinner.

Soon, the others were back in their own vehicles, waving as they drove down the long driveway and out the gate. She didn’t even get to say goodbye to Jacob, though she wasn’t sure what she would have said anyway.

As his parents’ car passed by the spot where she stood with her mom and dad, watching everyone leave, he called, “See ya later, cheese puff,” out the window, and sent a tiny curl of warmth back into her heart.

Following her parents and the rowdy dogs into the house after the gate closed behind the Tanners and their taillights faded from view, Melinda wished she could go straight upstairs and sleep for a week. Maybe then, when she woke, she’d find everything back to normal.

Instead, she helped her dad put their snow gear away in the garage, then helped her mother prepare a quick dinner, and thought about Jacob.

She ate, cleaned up, unpacked her suitcase, and thought about Jacob.

She started the laundry, caught up her social media pages, downloaded her photos from the trip, and thought about Jacob.

He stared intensely at her from the shot she’d taken in the condo’s kitchen during their New Year’s Day party. It looked even better on the bigger screen of her laptop than it had in the camera’s viewer. As she’d known it would. She was definitely entering it in the fair’s competition.

God, he was sexy.

And sweet.

And wonderful.

And she loved him so much she wanted to scream at the injustice of it all.

Why couldn’t she have fallen this hard for someone who wanted the same things she did?