Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (5 page)

My family was gathered around me as I lay helpless in bed in the hospital’s psychiatric ward. No one was aware of what was going on with me at that moment and what I was seeing and hearing. I awoke mentally but not physically to the call of my name.

“Catherine. Come on angel. I told you I have already broken the rules and now, you are forcing me to do it again. You have to get up and live.”

“Pete, you’re here.”

I saw Pete sitting in the chair next to my bed. Of course, no one could see him but me. And the words that were coming from my lips were just mumbles to those around me. To my family, I was merely producing gibberish in my sleep, which was a good sign. Although still unconscious, in my own reality, I had become wide awake.

“Yes, angel. It’s me. What’s going on? I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.”

“They told me you were dead.”

“And what have you been doing since then? It’s like you are dead too.”

“That’s what I would want.”

“Oh really? So, I’m all you care about in the world? Life just isn’t worth living without me, right? What have I done to you?”

Pete, still dressed in his marine attire, spoke those words to me with both frustration and disappointment, and in a way I had never heard before. It was clear that he was both angry and worried. He had never spoken to me with such a harsh tone, but even through those emotions I could still sense the love and care that he had for me.

“You love me like no one ever could. We are soul mates. It isn’t me and you. It’s
us.
I’m nothing without you, Pete.
When we took our vows, we became one. We are one. If you are dead, so am I.”

“Oh, Catherine, you are so much without me. We took those vows until death do us part. And death has parted us. I am dead, but you are alive. Did you forget that you are a mother? You left your own children. They lost me and you in a matter of days. They had to bury their father without the love and support of their mother. You left them all alone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Angel,” Pete said gently as he knelt next to me, “I am dead. You saw my body and fainted. You allowed yourself to stay asleep. Your parents had to tell the kids that I was gone. You weren’t there to comfort your children. They think they lost you too.”

“Oh my God. Oh my God. My babies,” I cried as I began to understand the reality of it all. “But you came to the house.”

“Yes, breaking the rules. Good old Saint Peter sort of let me say goodbye to all of you.”

“All of us?”

“Yes, if you would just get yourself together, you can talk to your children about your last goodbyes. I love you all so much, I had to say goodbye to all of you.”

I began to cry with such sadness.

“You can’t leave me. I can’t live without you.”

“Yes you can. You have to. But don’t worry; I will be here for as long as you need me to be. I’m just a thought away, I promise you, angel.”

My words became clearer to the others in the room, and by that time the doctor had arrived. Crying almost to hysterics, and calling for Pete, I finally awoke.

“No, don’t leave Pete.
Please
. I need you. I love you. Oh God, my babies, my babies.”

Linda rushed to my side and we clung on to each other. Linda was sobbing with me but was trying to calm me down. She was happy, sad, relieved, and in a panic. So many emotions took over her but she managed to compose herself enough to calmly speak to me.

“Welcome back, honey. It’s okay, it’s okay, and I’m here for you. Your children are fine. Your mother took them out of the room when you started mumbling, but I’ll get them now. Calm down, and I’ll get your babies. They miss you so much so you have to try to calm down enough to talk to them.”

“What have I done, Linda? I’ve abandoned them when they needed me. Pete’s so disappointed, but he’ll make it better.”

With those words, I turned and saw that Pete was no longer there, and I noticed the glances between Linda and the doctor. I’m sure neither of them knew what to say to that. They figured it was best to leave that alone for now. So, Linda avoided my words and continued to comfort me.

“We will get through this together,” said Linda. “You are not alone. You will never be alone.”

Linda left the room and quickly returned with my mother and children. My boys rushed in the room. Ben jumped all over me, and Mary did her best to climb the bed as she yelled my name. Jacob stood by the bed unsure of what to do. I could see his sadness. I held on tight to Ben, lifted Mary to me, and then grabbed Jacob and held him close. I squeezed them all so hard, never wanting to let go. I had so much guilt, but I was so happy to be holding my children again. Unsuccessful at holding back my tears, I let them drench my three angels as I apologized over and over again. It’s impossible to count how many times I said and thought the words, “I love you.” At that instant, I knew things would be alright. I had my children, and I still had Pete. He said he’d stay around for as long as I needed him. So I knew I wouldn’t have to say good-bye, not yet. He always stuck to his word. I would see him again soon.

Chapter 6

Shaken Faith

It had been almost two weeks since I had left the hospital and Pete hadn’t returned. I couldn’t be mad at him too much, but boy was I angry with God. My sadness had turned to bitterness as I processed the fact that Pete had died. How could God do this to me? I asked this of myself often. I didn’t speak about it to anyone, and I tried to hide the emotions from my children. I still said prayers with them at night, but I felt a lack of reverence on my part. I prayed as I would talk to a family member that I was mad at when trying to conceal my anger. I just felt let down by God. That was the second Sunday since being home and the second Sunday that I didn’t go to church. My mother was staying with me, so she took the children with her to mass. My children just thought I wasn’t feeling well.

Linda arrived at my house that day knowing I did not go to church. The children were outside playing. Jacob was still on the quiet side but seemed to loosen up when Jesse was with him. Thankfully, Linda lived right around the corner, and all of this transpired during summer break. She brought Jesse over almost daily. And when she didn’t, Jacob would go over to her house.

“So, no church today? What, did the building burn down?”

“It may as well have. There’s no point.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Why would God do this to me? I’ve been doing what he wants all my life. I don’t deserve this.”

“Stop it, Catherine. You have always held strong to your faith, preaching for others to put their trust in him, and here you are blaming him for what happened to Pete.”

“Well, why didn’t he keep Pete safe? Yeah, that’s my God. I pray each night that Pete stays safe over there, and look. What are prayers for?”

“You know Catherine, you are a hypocrite. Why do you think you are so much better and worthy than others? What, do you think God loves you better than everyone; that you should have a legion of angels surrounding you and your family at all times? Get over yourself.”

“
Linda.
”

I was astonished that she would say that to me with such sarcasm. Sure, she always spoke her mind freely, but she was being very harsh. I knew then how much she loved me and would do anything for me. And if it took a good yelling to make me see the light, then I guess that’s just what she had to do.

“No, I mean it. How come when tragedy strikes others you don’t lose your faith? Instead, you try to comfort others by telling them that God will take care of them and that God won’t give you more than you can handle. What happened to that? Why is it okay for others to suffer a loss and not you?”

“It’s not like that Linda. I just can’t handle this.”

“But you are handling this. Okay, you had a momentary lapse when you put yourself in a selfish coma, but that’s because you had yourself believing you couldn’t live without Pete. You depended on him like you should instead be depending on God. Look, I’m not pretending to know all about your faith and religious beliefs. You know I am far from being religious. But you are acting opposite from what you believe. Pete was not God, he was your husband. God is the one you can’t live without. You are handling this without Pete.”

“No, I’m not. That’s my point. I only came to because Pete was there to help me. He talked me out of the coma.”

“Oh, please, that was a dream. Yes, a powerful one but still a dream.”

“What about when he came to me the morning the marines showed up to tell me he was dead?”

“You were sleeping, dreaming.”

“Oh, now I’m a liar. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Okay, okay. Let’s say that allowing Pete to help you is your way of handling this. Okay, I’ll accept that. But girl, you need to learn to depend on yourself. Pete won’t always be here for you but God will.”

“Oh right, God advice from you. Let me decide whether or not to reach out to God.”

Linda then knew how serious it was. But she was right. I was always the one preaching to others about how God would see them through everything and that all they had to do was keep praying and relying on him. And she hit the nail on the head when she said I depended on Pete the way I should have depended on God. I guess I never realized that before because I always thanked God for sending me Pete. But I forgot that it was God who placed him with me, and it would be God who saved me every day of my life, seeing me through every tough time. During my life with Pete, God’s way of seeing me through life was by joining my life with my husband. But since Pete was gone, I would have to pray for God to help me again. I had to understand that it would be through different means. It wasn’t an easy thing to accept. In a much more gentle voice Linda continued.

“Catherine, you simply can’t lose your faith. Your faith is a big part of what defines you as a person. It’s a quality that draws me and others to you. You are a source of strength for me even though you don’t realize it. If you lose your faith, you lose a huge part of you. You wouldn’t be Catherine anymore you’d just be a shell living from day to day. And what would that teach your children? Please, think and pray about it.”

I began to realize myself that this was serious. I was a hypocrite. How could I raise my children the way I always had if I lost my faith? I could damage my children horribly. My sweet mother was taking on more than she should have to, and she was being so gracious about it. I was acting so selfishly I may as well have been in a coma. I had to act like a mother again and help bring my children back to some sense of normalcy, a new normal. I stared off into the distance and couldn’t hold back the tear that fell down my cheek.

Later that evening, I began thinking about what Linda said to me. Her words repeated over and over again as I got ready for bed and didn’t stop until I lay down and pulled the covers over me.

“You know, Linda is right.”

I was startled to hear those words coming from the other side of the bed. I turned and saw Pete sitting there. I had the urge to jump out of bed but then realized that would be admitting I was crazy and that I hadn’t seen him twice before. I had an immediate calm come over me.

“You scared me.”

“Sorry. Linda is right. You can’t lose your faith. And I am a little upset you let the kids see you miss church twice. Did you even say prayers with them?”

“I think you know the answer.”

“Yes, I do. Who do you think is allowing me to see you? He still loves you even though you are acting like a big jerk.”

“
Pete.
”

“Well, you are. He is allowing me to be here for you, and he doesn’t do that normally, you know. He has never left your side, and he is letting me help you. Come on baby, this is wrong. If you do not get mad at God when bad things happen to others, you have no right to get mad when they happen to you. We had a wonderful life together. Don’t forget all the blessings he gave us.”

“You don’t know how hard it is, Pete. I feel lost, lonely, and empty. It’s a struggle to get out of bed and feed my own children each day. Thank God for my mother.”

“What was that? Did you actually thank God? You stopped doing that every night you know. You used to thank God for your family with the boys and asked them each night to say something special to Jesus. You stopped that. If it was the right thing before, why are you taking that away from your children now? They need to lean on you, but more importantly, they need to be reminded every night about how their Savior Jesus will always be there for them. I would hate for them to react like you in the future when they hit hard times. You say it’s hard to wake up and feed your children, but you are doing it and that is what’s important. It will get easier. You know they have a Widows & Widowers group at church. They have been through this and would be of great support. And I’ll bet their spouses weren’t allowed to visit them.”

“They are all old and had a lot more years with their spouses than I have. And I’m sure it didn’t end as tragically.”

“Don’t be so sure about that. The old ones lost more than you did. And remember, the war is affecting many young families. I want you to go. It will only help you.”

“Fine,” I sighed with my chin up to show attitude. As I lowered my head to look at Pete, I noticed he had already gone.