Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (8 page)

“Give me a bite of that pretzel, man,” begged Matt teasing Jacob.

“No, get your own,” replied Jacob sarcastically.

Jacob had a great relationship with his Uncle Matt. With Matt, Jacob seemed to relax and be his normal sassy self. I guess he really needed that father figure; someone masculine enough to get rough with. Ben always sat near the action and laughed as Matt and Jacob exchanged sarcastic remarks.

Jesse was the other one Jacob enjoyed being with most. The friendship he had with Jesse was like a brotherhood. Jesse could be rough and tough like Jacob but was a little more sensitive. Where Jacob would laugh if his friend fell and didn’t mind if his friend laughed at him if he fell, Jesse would run to make sure his friend was okay, and got upset if his friend laughed at him. Jacob inherited my sense of humor. Although we both cared about others and would definitely help a fallen friend, we couldn’t help but laugh at the way it looked when it happened. Thankfully, Jacob was in tune to his friend’s sensitivity and practiced enough restraint to keep his friend from feeling bad.

“Alright boys, enough of that. Finish up your snack so we can take on the pool plunge. Prepare yourselves for a wedgie,” I said looking at Linda.

“No way, I’ll stay with Mary.”

“No Linda, we have it all planned out. Matt will take Ben first and then stay with Mary while you and I take the big boys. Come on Linda, you have a tattoo. You must be wild enough to go on the water slide.”

“Yeah, Mom,” joined Jesse. “Don’t be a chicken. Let’s have fun.”

“Fine. But I’ll get you back, Catherine.”

When Matt returned with Ben, the rest of us, less Mary, made our way up the very high set of stairs. Linda was so nervous that Jacob, Jesse, and I couldn’t contain our laughter. Once there, Jacob slid first, then Jesse. Linda was next so I could make sure she didn’t chicken out. She sat and sat, but as she was ready to change her mind, I gave her a little push. She let out the loudest scream ever, and it lasted until she hit the pool water and went under. I followed after her and enjoyed the downfall, but I think I was more anxious to get down there and see her face. Just as I had suspected, she began cursing me out under her breathe, vowing to get me back.

Needless to say, we all had an amazing time. We stayed until the park closed and then grabbed some dinner on the way home. Matt dropped us off at the house, and we all said our good-byes. Mary was finally in bed sleeping, and Ben had just fallen asleep on the couch. Jacob was tired but looked more sad than exhausted.

“Mom?”

“Yeah sweetie?” I said as I sat next to Jacob on the couch.

“Do you still miss Daddy?”

“Every moment of every day.”

“I wish he was with us today. I had fun, but I feel bad for having fun without him. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy. You looked really happy too, and I feel like you are happy without him.”

“Oh, Jacob, don’t feel that way. You are supposed to be happy, and I know Daddy would want us all to be happy. I know how you feel though. I do feel guilty a lot when I have fun, but I know Daddy wouldn’t want us to be miserable. It’s all a part of healing. At first we are angry and sad all of the time. Eventually, we have better days when we can smile at different things. And then finally, we find that we are happy most of the time and don’t think about our loss much at all. It’s normal. I never want you to forget Daddy, and I know you never will. Mary will need us to help her remember. But we can’t feel guilty when we realize we didn’t think of him all day. I still cry sometimes and miss him terribly. I’d give anything to change what happened. But I can’t. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it’s good to be here. But I have a long way to go. I’m always here for you, Jacob, and you have to promise me that you will talk to me just like this when you have feelings you don’t understand. I know you aren’t very excited about school, but I know it will help you take your mind off of things as you focus on work. And that is a good thing, I promise. You can’t let this loss ruin your life. You have to choose to live. That’s what Daddy wants.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“But how?”

“Maybe it’s time for another talk tomorrow, sweetie. One that’s been a long time coming. But for now, get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay, good night, Mommy. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” I replied as I held him tight. “Let me get your sleepyhead brother into bed, and then I’ll be in to say prayers with you.

All of us were sleeping when I felt a hand touch my hair. I opened my eyes and found Pete sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Hey angel.”

“Hi. What are you doing here?”

“Sorry to wake you. I just wanted to see you. I heard you talking with Jacob tonight. What are you planning on talking about tomorrow?”

“I think it’s time I told him that I saw you the morning after you died. He’s smart enough to realize you were already gone when you went to him that night. I don’t know what he’s going through, but I want to make sure that isn’t bothering him.”

“What about Ben?”

“I don’t think Ben realizes what happened. I think he believes you came home before you actually died. He doesn’t grasp time like we do.”

“I think you need to talk to Ben too.”

“He’s too young, Pete. I don’t want to dredge up any more sadness or give him any more false hopes. He already suggested that we pray to bring you back. How can I tell him that you sort of already came back?”

“He knows, Catherine. And every night he calls to me asking that I come back.”

“Oh my. Oh, my poor boy. Why didn’t he tell me?”

“He doesn’t think you’ll believe him. He needs this conversation, Catherine. I think it will comfort him and hopefully let him heal.”

“Okay, I will. But I’m not going to tell them that you still come to me. They’ll think you don’t love them.”

“I agree. Just talk about that night with them. It will help.”

Pete again said what he had to say and then left. I fell back to sleep right away.

The next morning, I woke knowing I had a huge talk ahead of me. It was Sunday, and I figured we had better go to church first. I would take them to get donuts, and we would talk over them at home. I couldn’t help but look at Ben and picture him calling his daddy to come back. I wondered how he felt each night that his daddy didn’t come. He must have been sad and disappointed. I hoped he didn’t feel that his daddy didn’t want to come back or that his daddy didn’t love him enough. He needed this talk badly.

“Boys, I need to talk to you about something very important, but you have to keep it a family secret, okay?”

“Okay,” Ben replied with excitement about the idea of a secret as he shoved a huge bite of a chocolate donut in his mouth.

“It’s about Daddy. I think we all had something happen to us that we haven’t told each other, and I think it’s time that we shared. We lost Daddy, but we all know he was able to say good-bye. And I don’t mean like the day he left the house to go back to Iraq. I mean after that.”

Jacob practically choked on his donut, and Ben’s eyes opened about five times wider and lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Do you mean when he came at night in secret?” asked Ben.

“Yes, I think that’s exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, I keep asking him to come back, but he isn’t.”

“I kn…,” I stopped myself just in time before revealing that I already knew his nightly routine. I continued, “I had a feeling you would do that. Can you tell us about that night, Ben?”

“Yeah. Daddy came in my room and helped me build my model. It was fun. He told me just how to do it, and I did it myself. It was a little weird though because it was late, and I was sleepy.”

“You didn’t tell me about it the next day, Ben. Why?”

“I showed you the model. But the men came over, and you were mad that day. And then the next day you got sick, and Grandmom told me Daddy went to Heaven. I know how far away Daddy was so I thought maybe he was a ghost.”

“How about you, Jacob?”

“Yeah, I saw him. He made me take out the trash with him and kept talking weird. He was saying I was the man of the house and had to help and stuff like that. It was weird that he came so early in the morning. I just thought he was on some secret mission. Then when Grandmom told us what happened, I thought I was just crazy.”

I could see Jacob’s eyes clouding over with tears. But as he tried his best to hold them in, I also sensed a feeling of relief in him. He must have been struggling so much with those feelings, and he just didn’t know what to do. Imagine, a child thinking he’s crazy. How could he even begin to deal with those feelings. He was always able to come to me about anything, but I wasn’t there for him. And when I finally was, he probably thought his mother had turned into a nut case, so what was the point in telling me?

“You aren’t crazy, Jacob. I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this sooner. Daddy came to Mary and me after he saw you two.”

“Wow,” said Ben in amazement. Both of the boys’ eyes were glued to me as I spoke.

“Like you Jacob, I thought Daddy was given a special secret assignment. That’s how it sounded when he spoke to me. He told me he was breaking the rules to be here. I found him with Mary just before the two of you woke up, and he showed me how Mary was walking. Somehow he managed to get her out of her crib and held her hands as she walked. Now that I think about it, he stopped me before I could hug him, and I didn’t get a kiss.”

“Yuck,” said Ben innocently.

We all couldn’t help but smile at that comment, and in that moment realized something special had happened to all of us.

“You see, we all were given a gift in those moments. Daddy loved us all so much that he made sure he was able to say good-bye. And he kept his promises to you boys. He didn’t choose to leave us, so we can’t be mad at him. And daddies don’t do that when they die, so we can’t expect him to do that again. Right Ben?”

“I guess. Should I stop asking him to come back?”

“I think so, honey. We should all just let Daddy rest in Heaven. He’ll be there when we get there.”

Jacob sat listening but didn’t say much. I didn’t quite know what else to say. Ben seemed content with the conversation, and I think it brought him closure. I wasn’t sure about Jacob though. And for me, I wasn’t so sure I could follow my advice about leaving Pete to rest in Heaven. I had gotten used to his visits and was afraid to release him for fear I would need him again. And of course, I would need him again.

Chapter 9

Problem Child

The day after the talk was the first day of school. It was like every other first day of school in years past. The boys struggled to get out of bed. I rushed to make a good breakfast while yelling for them to get up and get dressed. I wasn’t a morning person, so I wasn’t up as early as planned. And of course, Mary decided to wake up in the middle of pancakes on the griddle and with a very dirty diaper. Against my better judgment, I let her talk in the crib until I got the pancakes plated. I didn’t want the boys’ breakfast burned. I rounded up the boys to eat, and then tended to Mary. She wanted pancakes too, but there wasn’t time. I gave her some dry cereal to hold her over until we got back from dropping the boys off at school. It was evident that the school year had begun. We were back to our chaotic mornings. Lunches were packed, the boys finished eating, they brushed their teeth, combed their hair, hurried to put on their shoes, and we all rushed to the car.