Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (6 page)

“Good night, sweetheart,” I whispered as I snuggled into bed clenching his pillow.

The next morning, I woke up with a sense of calm. I recalled the events of the night and although very real, I had a hard time confirming whether they took place before or after I fell asleep. I know Pete came to me in the hospital, but was he here again? It didn’t really matter, but I prayed his visits weren’t over. I did feel more ready to invite Jesus back into my heart, but I think at that point it was because I wanted something. I wanted Pete. I would have to pray to keep him. I still wasn’t strong enough to live without Pete. I immediately said The Lord’s Prayer and asked for God’s forgiveness and intercessions.

“…for Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. Dear Jesus, please forgive me for blaming my Heavenly Father for all of this. Help me to be humble and expect no more favor than you give to others. I know you love me and will help me through anything, and I really need you now. Thank you for sending Pete to me, but I am not ready to let go yet. I’m not sure how to face the days to come or how to help my children through this time. I need Pete to guide me. When I took my vows, I didn’t know ‘til death do us part would come so soon. He vowed to help me through good times and bad. Well, we had our good times, and he was there. But now that the bad times have begun, I am alone. His vows are not fulfilled.”

I said those words with heavy sobs. I then began to pray with such desperation as I realized my prayers asked for the impossible. But I knew all things were possible with God so I had to try.

“Please, dear Jesus, please help me. Help me. I’m not ready to let go. I can’t go on without my husband. I don’t know what to do. I’m asking you for so much, I know, but I trust that you will provide me with what I need. I know you can do all things. I’m not asking for money, and I don’t intend to be selfish. But I’m a mother, and I have to keep my children safe and happy. I can’t do this on my own. They lost their father, and I can’t be that for them. But Pete could help me. Please, dear God. Have mercy on me and help me.”

As I prayed, I felt the selfishness of my words. I knew if God didn’t allow me to see Pete, I would continue to be angry with him. I gathered my strength and took some deep breaths to return myself to the calm I felt when I awoke. I opened my eyes and sitting on the bed next to me was Pete. It was all real to me now. God had known my prayers before I had prayed them. He had indeed sent Pete to me in the hospital and that night. And here he was again. It was so unbelievable that it had taken multiple visits for me to believe it.

“Oh, Pete.” I said as I reached to embrace him. “
Wow.
”

I jumped back as I felt the strangest sensation. As I hugged him, I felt a sense of static electricity move through my body, but I felt nothing solid in my arms. It was something I had never felt before. I could no longer hold Pete as I had in the past. It was in that moment that I finally came to terms with the fact that he was not the same. His earthly body was buried, and I would never feel it again. And then, a panic came over me as I wondered if I would see him again. God had answered my prayers, but would he allow Pete to continue to visit me? I felt a little desperate as if I could not allow him to leave the room for fear he would be gone forever.

“Your body…it’s…”

“It’s not a body, Catherine. You are seeing my soul the way your remember me. For now, this is how you recognize me.”

“I’m so afraid, Pete. Please don’t leave me again. I prayed for you, and you are here again, but I’m so afraid one day you won’t come back.”

“One day at a time, sweetheart. God has allowed me to help you through this so he won’t take me away before it’s time. But you have to stop obsessing over me. It’s not healthy, and you are a wreck. I promise I am with you, and you will see me. I will help you and be there when you need me. Soon you’ll be asking me to leave,” he said jokingly.

“That will never happen,” I replied with such certainty.

“Now that you know you are not alone, you have to go out into that kitchen and make the children and your mother a wonderful breakfast. And you’ll do it with a smile on your face. You’ll then take them all to church to say some prayers of thanksgiving and adoration. Remind the children of all that they have and of the fond memories of our family. Thank God for them. Reassure them that they have not lost you, and you will all work through this together. Count the many blessings we had as a family and talk about them often. Look at pictures and video together on a regular basis so they still feel that familial bond. Today, Catherine, you must make a new beginning for them, for all of you. Things will never be the same as they were, but you need to let them know that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We were always a strong family, and that will not change just because I have passed. Remind them that I have gone home and that we will all be home together one day. But for now, you all have to live life here according to God’s will. His love is forever present, and with him you can all be happy. I’ll see you later, love.”

And with that he was gone again. I had a renewed energy, for now, to focus on my family. I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where, coincidentally, they were all waiting for me. My mother had made coffee and was about to take out some eggs. She smiled at me with an obvious hidden concern.

“Good morning, Catherine.”

“Good morning, Mom. And good morning my little love muffins.”

I embraced my children so tightly and gave them all a kiss. They happily embraced me back, but sadly I saw some confusion. Had I been so distant to them over the past few weeks that they were surprised to see such affection from me? That broke my heart, and I knew the damage I was already causing. The happy, loving, security I had always given them had suddenly vanished after Pete’s death and perhaps their little minds were trying to help them adjust to that. Perhaps their defenses were helping them cope with the loss of their mother’s affection and training them not to expect such love. And now, my motherly love is coming as a surprise to them. I could not allow this to hurt them so much and to affect their security. Pete was right. I needed to assure them that we were still a strong, loving, and stable family. It was up to me to make things right. I had to reverse the damage I had already started.

“Mom, you sit down. I’ll make the breakfast today. Alright, little monkeys, what would you like today?”

“Homemade pancakes.” they all replied.

It was probably the first time they all wanted the same thing. Thank God. I didn’t want to have to diffuse a fight that day. However, I knew I would have made ten different breakfasts if that’s what they wanted.

“Alright, I’ll make some yummy homemade pancakes for all of us. I have some fun things planned for us today.”

I continued to make heart-shaped pancakes that morning because I wanted everything about that day to be special and full of love. We all ate, but it was pretty quiet. I couldn’t even imagine what my children were going through. Children aren’t as able as us to identify their feelings and deal with them. I could see in Jacob’s eyes especially so many emotions. Confusion. Sadness. Uncertainty. Disappointment. I never thought I would see such deep emotions in my children. But I also never thought we would lose my husband. Our family as we knew it was gone for all of us, and there wasn’t anything we could do about that. As depressed and devastated as I was, I knew I was the only one who could keep our family together and heal my children.

I can’t express the feeling of helplessness and guilt that I felt as I looked into their eyes. This is what mothers are supposed to protect their children from. I couldn’t help but to again question God.
In my head I kept saying,
Why God, why would you let this
happen to us? Why?
I felt such an inner struggle begin. God was the only answer, but I still couldn’t help but to blame him as well. I knew I had to keep Jesus present in my children’s lives, but I felt as though I may not be able to do that without some acting on my part. But I guess acting strong in my faith was better than letting my children know that I may have lost it. I did take them to church that day, and I talked to them about everything Pete told me to. But in my heart, I couldn’t yet overcome the emotions that I was feeling. I felt let down and abandoned every time I realized Pete was gone.
How would I get through this? How would I get my children through this? Pete’s words echoed in my mind.
One day at a time, swe
etheart. One day at
a time.

Chapter 7

On My Own

When we returned home from church, my mother gathered her things and was ready to go home. We all kissed her good-bye, and I thanked her for being there for me and the children. I was so sad to see her go as I felt the dread of knowing I was then alone. And I knew I would have to face the tragedy and talk to my boys about it. It was time for me to be a mother and become their rock. I did not believe for one moment that I could do it, but I had to somehow find the strength and the words to help my children.

I closed the front door behind my mother, took a deep breath, and then told my boys to sit on the couch and wait for me. It was Mary’s nap time, so I figured I would put her down and then talk to my boys. When I returned to the living room, they were surprisingly sitting silently on the couch. It was as if they knew the talk was coming. The sadness in that house was indescribable. The once loud laughter that was so common in that room was replaced with a heavy silence. The bright sunshine that always beamed through the bay window and made us squint was dim and covered by clouds. I wasn’t sure if our home would ever feel the warmth of the sun come through that window again.

“Boys, I think we need to talk about what has happened. First, I need to apologize for making all of this worse on you. I never should have allowed myself to shut down so much that I couldn’t be there for you when you found out your father died.”

As I spoke these words to my children, gentle and controlled tears fell down my face. I spoke to them calmly and with love, but I could feel my hardened heart beating inside of me with such resentment and anger.

“I know how much you loved your father, and I did too. We still do. When I realized it was your father that had died, I felt a part of me die too. And I guess that horrible feeling took over me, and I just shut down. I never should have allowed that to happen. I’m so sorry for leaving you and making you both feel as if you lost us both. I want you both to know that I will never do that to you again. I won’t leave you. We will get through this together.”

“You can’t promise that, Mom,” replied Jacob with doubt in his eyes. “What if you die too?”

“Sweetheart, God will not let that happen. He won’t let you lose both of us. Daddy’s accident was because of the war. He died defending our country. It was noble, and he’s being blessed in Heaven for that. God will not allow me to be in the position to leave you. He will protect us.”

Jacob dropped his eyes unconvinced. He was hurt and was losing faith too. Ben clung to my words with his eyes glued to me. He would believe everything I said. I hoped my words were true for his sake. But as I spoke those words, I wondered if I believed them myself. I kept asking Jacob’s question in my mind over and over again. It wouldn’t be the first time that tragedy took over a family and left children without parents. Why was I telling my child that we were different? Where was God for those families? We weren’t special. We learned that when Pete was taken from us. How could I convince my children that we would be okay when I wasn’t sure I believed it myself? I knew that I had to find a way to believe it or my family could not heal. I had to be in control and lead my family the way Pete led us. And the only way was through faith in God. Somehow I had to regain my faith. But how?

“We have to have faith boys. This is like a test. All that we know and believe about our Savior is being tested right now. We know of his great love and sacrifice for us, and we can see his good through the evil of this world. Now, we are experiencing a painful reality of life here on Earth. But we have to remember the promises made to us. Life here isn’t our true home, Heaven is. Daddy is home, and he’ll be there watching over us until we are home with him. But for now, we have to live this life as God wants us to live. We have to remember that Daddy is not gone forever. We will be with him again. He will remain alive with us as long as we remember him and talk about him. Our lives have changed, that’s certain. And we are devastated by this loss. And it will be hard. I won’t lie. We will be sad for a long time, and it will not be easy to get over this. Our faith is being tested, and I’m so sorry you have to be tested so young. But we will overcome this with God’s graces. We have to hold on and be there for each other. Daddy would tell us to do that. I love you so much, and wish I could take away this hurt. I wish I could bring Daddy back for all of us, but I can’t. The world doesn’t work that way.”

“God can,” said Ben with such sweet innocence. “God can do anything. Maybe we should pray for that.”

“God won’t do that, dummy,” snapped Jacob. “Dad’s dead, and he isn’t coming back.”

“Jacob, your brother is no dummy. Yes, Ben, God can do anything. But your daddy was killed because of the evils in this world. God doesn’t like to see us hurting, but I have to agree that God won’t bring your father back to life. It’s just the way life was designed I guess.”

“But Jesus brought people back to life.”