Solitary Man (13 page)

With a loud exhale for exaggerated effect, Nikki lowered herself back into her seat. Just when she’d decided to try to build a relationship, he placed unexpected roadblocks in her path.

“The most I can do is offer you some pros and cons and suggest the two of you talk this over rationally at home.”

Kevin nodded. Nikki tensed. Why discuss anything, when she sensed she’d be outvoted? “I’d like to hear what you have to say,” she said to the doctor.

Good, Kevin thought. But he wasn’t fooled. Nikki wasn’t at all interested in the doctor’s opinion, just in throttling him. He’d made another calculated error when it came to dealing with Nicole. He should have discussed the possibility of switching doctors with her in private. Instead he’d put her on the defensive.

He hadn’t meant to. Rather, he figured that laying out his case in front of a third party would be beneficial to them both. When would he learn? He had little experience dealing with women’s emotions. Especially pregnant women. Trial by fire, he thought, catching sight of her clenched jaw and firm expression.

She didn’t seem to mind his questions or concerns, but she took affront any time he tried to wrest control. Control and independence she’d worked hard to achieve. Dammit, he hadn’t meant to take that away from her.

“Let’s lay out the facts,” the doctor suggested.

He nodded. It was why he’d broached the subject to begin with.

“Fact one. You picked this clinic when you lived closer. Fact two. We’re open limited hours. Fact three. I volunteer here, but my main base is outside of the city.” Dr. Molloy grinned. “This might help you two split the difference.” She reached into her jacket pocket and handed Nikki a business card.

Nikki turned the card over in her hand. “This hospital is close to Kevin’s house.”

“You’d get to keep your doctor, and he’d get his private physician.”

“But someone would have to pay you your out of clinic fees,” she said.

The doctor rose to her feet. Kevin followed. “And that’s my cue. The rest has to be worked out between the two of you.”

When she shut the door behind her, Kevin heard the silence. He turned to face Nikki, but she’d slipped around him and before he could blink, she disappeared out the door.

* * *

The wind blew her hair off her face. Nikki tipped her chin up to catch the wind and feel its cool relief.
He doesn’t want to control; he wants to protect
.

Reminding herself about Kevin’s motives helped to calm down her anger, but it didn’t change the fact that he’d circled around her in the hopes of getting his way. Some start to reaching an accommodation, she thought with frustration.

He caught up with her outside the clinic. “At the very least, let me drive you home.”

“I wasn’t running away from you. I needed fresh air.”

“Space from me.”

She sighed. “I’d think that was obvious.”

He gently took her elbow and steered her toward the end of the street, toward his car, which he’d parked on the next block. He opened the door, then walked around to the driver’s side. Minutes later, they were on their way.

“I can’t imagine it’s easy feeling like you’re losing control,” he said finally.

His insight shocked her. That he’d given a thought to how she must be feeling also took her by surprise. Was he, too, trying to breach the barrier he’d erected?

She curled her hands into fists and marshaled her thoughts. “It isn’t. And it isn’t easy every time you try to take it away.”

“Honestly, that wasn’t my intention.” He pulled off at an unexpected exit.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere neutral. You’ve been cooped up for weeks. I’d think you’d welcome fresh air and the great outdoors.”

She couldn’t help but smile. “Don’t be nice to me, Kevin. It makes it too hard to stay angry.”

“Then don’t.”

The reservoir by Boston College loomed in front of them. Kevin pulled into an empty parking spot. After putting the car into park, he leaned an arm over the wheel and turned to face her. Can we call a truce? Let’s take a walk, get some fresh air and talk.”

She smiled. “I think I can manage that.”

“Good. And one more thing. Whatever comes up, remember I have your best interests at heart. Yours and the baby’s.”

Nikki nodded. He always had the baby’s best interest at heart. Hers too. And up until now, it hadn’t been enough. But if she wanted more from him than he was giving now, she’d have to begin accepting his overtures. Start somewhere.

She met him outside the car and together they walked along a graveled path. Green grass spread out before her, water rippled to her left, and blue sky dazzled her overhead. On a day like this, she could almost forget her problems.

Almost, but not quite.

Especially when Kevin placed his hand in hers and squeezed tightly. His strength had a calming effect and the butterflies in her stomach eased. He obviously wanted to talk. She told herself there was nothing he could say that she couldn’t handle and hoped she was right.

He paused by a large rock and she curled up on top of it. The smooth surface felt warm and solid through her denim jeans.

“Let’s start with basics, okay? Are you comfortable with Dr. Molloy?” Kevin asked.

“Yes. Very. But not with you paying for her private fees.”

“I can understand that. And I’m not looking to control your life, but there’s not just you to consider.” He leaned against the rock beside her. “You may have to come to terms with the fact that I’m half responsible for this situation and since you didn’t plan it, you’re going to have to accept my help.”

She bit down on her lower lip. As much as it pained her to take steps backward and accept help after she’d struggled to be independent, what choice did she have? She couldn’t afford everything this baby would need, at least not yet.

“Go on,” she said, wanting to hear him out.

“I did some research into my insurance policy through work.”

“And?”

“Much as I’d love to cover you, there’s no way your pregnancy wouldn’t be considered preexisting.

She’d known that already. “Besides, even if they would cover the pregnancy, we’d have to be married in order for coverage to kick in.” She glanced down and kicked at a rock on the grass. Better than facing Kevin when mentioning marriage and commitment.

“I know.”

“You do.”

He met and held her gaze. “Yes.”

Her breath caught as his words sunk in. “You considered marrying me?”

“I still am.” If she weren’t already sitting down, she might have passed out.

She cautioned herself to be calm. And not to read too much into mere words. “Why? Because it’s the right thing to do?”

“Hell, yeah it’s the right thing to do. And if Tony…

“If Tony were alive he’d follow you to the church with a shotgun,” she finished for him. “But he’s not. And not everyone who gets pregnant gets married.”

“No, but the smart ones do. Or at least they consider it.”

Remain rational, remain calm, Nikki cautioned herself. He didn’t know it, but he was handing her the solution she sought. A way to solidify things between them and create a future.

He was going out of his way to do right by her and the baby. So what if she’d rather him profess his undying love and tell her he couldn’t live without her. Those were girlish daydreams. And she
had
envisioned marrying Kevin and the reason had nothing to do with an unexpected pregnancy and everything to do with love. If she waited for that to happen, she’d be old and gray first. But if she let him make the decision to commit—and then went backward to build up on that, they might have a chance.

She swallowed hard. “Okay, tell me why marriage would be a benefit?” she said.

He shot her a startled glance. Obviously he expected more of an argument. She was shocking herself, too.

“I can cover the baby without marriage, but he’d still have the stigma of illegitimacy. And I want my… our baby to have my name. To know who his father is, and know he can count on me.”

“He?” Nikki couldn’t help but chime in.

Kevin grinned. “As soon as
he
or
she
is born.”

Logically, she wanted the same things for their child. But marrying Kevin… tying herself to him for better for worse… forever… she wasn’t ready.

“I need time to think,” she murmured. She wanted—needed—personal time to digest the concept and the changes that would inevitably follow should she say yes.

“I realize that. But Nikki…” Reaching out, he grasped her chin in his hand and turned her head to face him. “Just know I trust you to make the right decision. For all of us.”

He trusted her judgment. A huge concession for a man who feared ceding control. Who feared the consequences if he backed off. “Thank you.”

He nodded.

As sure as the breeze blew around her, Nikki knew Kevin’s proposal was motivated by devotion to his child. Although she found comfort in his sense of responsibility, she also found pain. Because she’d inadvertently trapped him, and in so doing, she’d found herself someone’s responsibility yet again.

But she hadn’t yet found someone who loved her.

NINE

K
evin kicked back in his office and stared at his messages. A couple of offers for freelance security jobs thanks to Patrick O’Neill, a friend on the force, who routinely recommended him for work. Other than Tony, Pat was the only other guy Kevin trusted in a pinch. He was the only person other than his father Kevin had let know the moment he hit town again a few months ago.

He glanced at the messages, knowing he’d call these people back. A job was a job. Something to pay the bills. Who was he kidding? Nothing could compete with his previous occupation. He’d loved being a cop. It was in his blood. But Tony’s death had changed everything. In the instant he’d seen his partner lying on the ground, Kevin realized he had no business playing backup to anyone. So no matter how much he missed active police work, he was better off consulting on security systems and guarding a warehouse as opposed to a living, breathing human being.

Whether he was fulfilled or not didn’t matter.

He had two people relying on him now. Nikki and, soon, his child. That was enough responsibility.

His father had failed at the same responsibility—but Kevin didn’t plan to repeat his father’s mistakes.

The old man had been quiet since the incident with the neighbor’s dog. Too quiet, considering Kevin had threatened to stop paying his rent unless Max became steadily employed again. He often wondered if a quiet Max meant more trouble than a rowdy one.

After booking appointments, he stored the phone numbers and tossed the messages in the trash. With no other business matters to occupy his mind, his thoughts turned to Nikki.

And to his proposal. A marriage of necessity. One made in the best interests of both Nikki and his child. But it would still be a legal union with a woman who drew him in like no other. Who tempted his resolve and tested him at every turn. Who deserved so much better than what life had thrown her way. Including him.

* * *

Now that she was allowed back on her feet, Nikki made productive use of her time. She’d spent the morning at the local library, looking into alcoholism and ways to deal with the family of alcoholics— since she was about to become part of one. And she’d put in a call to her career guidance counselor at school to discuss options, and ways for her to finish her student teaching. He promised to do some research and get back to her.

Hours later, feeling good, she walked around Kevin’s place, determined to make it a real home. Mrs. Reid kept the house clean, but domestic touches were missing. It didn’t take money to convey warmth and personality, to make an empty, rambling house a place Kevin would want to return to each night.

After digging through her personal things, she added special touches she was sure Kevin had never thought of. Ones she hoped he would notice and appreciate. Flowers were next on the agenda. She’d noticed some beautiful azaleas out back. The outside of the house was a place she’d love to cultivate, but not until the pregnancy was over and strenuous activity was allowed. In the meantime, she decided to work from the inside out.

A sense of boredom? A need for fulfillment? A nesting urge born of the hormonal rush during pregnancy? Nikki shook her head and laughed. Why not call it what it was. Anything to keep busy and to avoid thinking about Kevin’s proposal.

Though she didn’t like putting him off, she figured she was allowed thinking time before verbally committing to a life-altering decision. Besides, he couldn’t be in that big a rush to make a commitment he’d avoided making before.

With scissors in hand, she headed outside. A spring breeze rippled through the air and after being cooped up for so long, the fresh outdoors felt good. Half an hour later, she’d cut her flowers and weeded a small area in the back, all without overexerting herself. Well, not too much. But the sense of exhilaration she got from good old-fashioned yard work and the hour in the sun had done wonders for her mood. The blood was pumping through her veins in a healthy way she hadn’t experienced in too long.