Something Had to Give (35 page)

There wasn’t much excitement after the holiday. Something had clicked with my parents though and they had started to call and check on me at least once a week. I wasn’t sure what sparked this change, but I was glad that they were thinking of me. As we got closer to my time in Tennessee ending, it finally clicked for Jason that he had to stop his mom from coming over whenever she felt like it so that we could enjoy the last of our time together. He was also able to take some time off work and we were able to take a final summer trip to Orange Beach in Alabama. We were both a little leery, since neither of us was familiar with the area, but it turned out to be a nice and enjoyable time. Once we got back to Tennessee, I only had three more days left before I had to drive back to Wilmington. Jason wasn’t able to take more time off from work, so I spent those days doing a bunch of nothing. It was hard to believe that I was coming up on my last year of college. It was a bit overwhelming when I thought about the choices that had to be made. I knew I wanted to go on to graduate school, but where was the question. Jason was obviously advocating for a school closer to him but my heart was set on George Mason University in Virginia, which would put us even farther apart from each other. Jason and I had talked about it several times over the summer, but it didn’t really seem like he understood how much I wanted to go to George Mason instead of school in Tennessee. I didn’t really want to talk about the fact that I didn’t want to go the school Shanna had gotten kicked out of and that I thought that it might hurt my chances of getting in. It definitely would not be an easy decision to make and just sitting there pondering over it those few days made me feel pretty stressed out.

I didn’t want to end our summer together on a bad note so I decided not to bring up the subject again. I left feeling like there was a big uncertainty about our future, but also feeling pumped about starting my last year of college. I had to keep in mind that there was no guarantee that I would get accepted into either school and there were still many variables at play affecting my future. I left on a Saturday thinking I would stop home for a night to break up my trip but something made me continue to drive on to Wilmington instead. In the back of my mind I knew it was likely I would leave my parents’ house feeling annoyed that they didn’t really seem to care if I was there or not. Plus, I felt like being back at my apartment a little earlier gave me time to get settled in and have some part of Sunday to relax before classes started. As I passed the split to head towards my parents’ house, I decided to be courteous and call. I called the house phone and both their cell phones and there was no answer on either. As I laughed to myself, I was glad that I decided to keep on driving back to Wilmington.

It was when I pulled into my apartment complex that I remember that my ex-boyfriend lived right next door to me and he had a new girlfriend. It felt weird as I lugged most of my bags up the steps that I was going into my own apartment and not Jason’s place where there would be someone to greet me. I had gotten used to having someone else around and I had to readjust to living alone. I instantly started to feel nervous as I got closer to Eric’s apartment. I hoped that I wouldn’t run into him and definitely not the girl or any girl for that matter. I could hear music coming from his apartment but luckily for me he did not come out as I made my three trips back to the car for my stuff. Once I was inside, I told myself I was relieved, but deep down I was little disappointed that it wasn’t like a few years ago when he would sneak up behind me and help me carry my bags. To make matters worse, I couldn’t resist putting my ear to wall to see if I could hear a female voice. I stood there for about two minutes before forcing myself to move away. What was wrong with me?

I didn’t get much done that evening as it hit me how exhausted I was from the long drive. After I showered and settled in to watch some TV, it really hit me how much I missed being with Jason. My apartment was tiny, but seemed so large and empty. I found myself having to fight to hold the tears back. I had to keep telling myself that my feelings of loneliness were just temporary and soon I would be back in my busy routine, too tired to realize that I was there alone. I had experienced those feelings many times before, but that night it seemed extra hard to accept and deal with. It was such a time that I wished I was able to talk to Shanna. Even if I didn’t like the advice she gave, it would’ve been nice to have someone to vent to. Thinking about Shanna just made the situation worse. Tomorrow, I told myself, was going to be better and easier.

∞∞∞

It was almost two weeks before I felt like I was back in my element. Classes were in full swing, I was back to doing research and I was also back at work. By the time I got home and did homework or study, I was too tired to feel lonely and sorry for myself. On a couple of occasions, I tried to get up with April to have some girl time, but I was competing with her obligations to schoolwork and her boyfriend. I didn’t stand a chance. The third time that our plans fell through, I was beyond annoyed since I was already dressed and feeling pretty hyped out about going out. At the last minute, she decided to go see her boyfriend perform. She was apologetic and I didn’t let on to how I really felt about the situation, but her cancelling made no sense to me since she had seen him perform millions of times before. It didn’t seem to matter to her though, so I told myself that I just wasn’t going to try anymore. She called several times over the next few weeks with promises of making it up to me for canceling last minute, but I knew she was just talking out of guilt and that it wouldn’t happen. It got to the point that I just stopped answering. I would see her from time to time coming or going from her boyfriend’s apartment downstairs, but our conversations never went past a simple “hello.” I was over being mad at her but I also realized that we had just grown apart as some friends do.

It was mid-September before I saw Eric. I had begun to think that he had moved since I never saw him or heard noise from his apartment. The thought that he was gone was actually a relief. I felt like I could finally stop being concerned about running into him. Best of all, I didn’t have to see him with that girl anymore or any girl for that matter. That all changed on a Saturday afternoon. It was a rare weekend that I had off from work and I was enjoying the warm weather while sitting on my balcony listening to music and reading a magazine. At some point I had dozed off to be jolted out of my sleep by the sound of a sliding door opening up. I saw him before he saw me and was too surprised to see that he still lived there to say anything. He seemed just as shocked when he turned around and noticed I was staring at him before flashing a big grin.

“Hey stranger! Long time no see.”

My reply was right at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t get the words to come out. I did manage to give half a smile.

“So, how have you been? Senior year, right? That has to be exciting.”

“Yep, senior year. It’s going pretty good. Just looking forward to getting it over with.” I was immediately annoyed at the back-to-back questions, but I decided to be nice.

“Yeah I hear ya.”

I didn’t really know what else to say to him beyond that. He fell quiet also, standing there, hanging over his balcony. After several minutes, he broke the silence once again. “It’s a beautiful day out, I was thinking about going to grab a late lunch. Why don’t you join me?” He had to notice the perplexed look on my face from me wondering if this was some type of set up. “It’s not like a date or anything, just two people enjoying a meal.”

“Ok.” I responded before I really had time to process what I was doing. As I was back in my apartment changing clothes, I pushed the feelings of guilt into the back of my mind. I knew what I was doing was wrong but somehow I found different ways to justify it. Like Eric had said, it was just two people enjoying a meal. Where was the harm in that? Besides, the loneliness had really been getting to me lately. It was nice to have some company for once.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that Eric and I had a really good time that day. We had a late lunch, went to see a movie, and then went and had milkshakes at Sonic. We talked for hours. When I got home, I had missed two calls from Jason since I had turned my ringer off. I knew I had to call him back but stalled not knowing how to explain where I had been all day. I didn’t want to lie to him but what else could I do? If I told him the truth, it would end our relationship and I didn’t want that. I felt so guilty, but at the same time I couldn’t deny that it had been the best day for me since I had come back to school. When I finally got the nerve to call Jason back, I told him that I went to eat and watch a movie. It was the truth in that it was what I had done, but I conveniently left out the part that I didn’t go alone. He pressed me a little hard over having my ringer off since it was not something I usually did and it made me nervous until finally he dropped it. I felt sick when we got off the phone and I knew it was not something I could keep doing. I didn’t want to be that person.

I told myself that it was the first and last time that I would hang out with Eric and the first and last time that I would lie to Jason. That was not the case though. Eric and I were together pretty much every day and on days that time did not allow for us to see each other, I found myself in a bad mood. I told myself each day that it was the last, but I always went back feeling like he filled a void of loneliness for me and I did the same for him. Come to find out, things had ended with the girl I had seen him with months ago, so I was the only one sneaking around and lying to my boyfriend. As time went on, I didn’t really feel guilt anymore. I told myself it was just a little phase and sooner or later one of us would get tired of the sneaking around and want out. There were times I thought about if Jason was doing the same thing and it made me cringe at first. After a while I convinced myself that it would make me feel better if he did. At least then we would both be in the wrong instead of just me.

A few days before fall break Jason surprised me with news that he would be coming to visit me. I should have been happy and excited just at the thought of seeing him after two months, but instead I immediately went into panic mode over the fact that he still did not know that I lived next door to my ex-boyfriend, who I was seeing on the side. Jason immediately picked up on my lack of a happy response and called me on it. I was able to chalk it up to being surprised by the news, but it put me more on edge that I had to be more aware of my reactions. I hung up the phone with Jason knowing that I was doing too much and causing myself so much undue stress. I didn’t know how to stop though. I enjoyed spending time with Eric and it was such a relief to not have to be alone all the time anymore. At that moment it felt like I had to choose between the two of them. I felt like it would be easier with Jason being in town. If I could spend a week away from Eric, surely I could shake the need to see him every day.

The hardest part of Jason’s visit was telling Eric that I wouldn’t be able to see him over the break. We had never discussed my relationship status despite the fact that he talked in depth about why things didn’t work out with his ex and how awkward it was to still have to see each other at work regularly. It was well understood that I was still with Jason though. He would call often and I would go in another room to talk. Eric was always respectful to give me that space. Still I did not expect him to take the news well and he didn’t. He agreed with a simple “ok,” but his face and the way he fell silent told how he really felt. I wanted to ask him to not be mad and to please not cause a scene like he had done the last time he saw us together. I didn’t want to make a difficult conversation even worse though. All I could do at that point was hope for the best and pray that the week went by really fast.

The two days leading up to Jason’s arrival Eric was nowhere to be found and he would not answer my phone calls. The only reason I knew he was alive and well was because I could hear him going into his apartment late at night. Even if he had a closing shift at the restaurant, I knew his schedule well enough to know that it didn’t take hours to close. It was easy to come to the conclusion that he was avoiding me. I tried calling when I heard him get home one night around midnight and could even hear the phone ringing through the wall. However, he still didn’t answer. He was mad at me for having a boyfriend and choosing my boyfriend over him, but I didn’t know what he expected. I had a great guy in Jason and Eric was just so unpredictable at times. Things were either really good between us or really bad. I really wanted to clear the air and was almost tempted to get out of bed and knock on his door. I figured he wouldn’t open the door and decided against it. He seemed to need some space. I had to respect that and let him be.

I picked up Jason from the airport and we went to get lunch. I was happy to see him and to be able to spend some time out with him, but in the back of my mind I was nervous that at any point Eric would pop up out of nowhere for round two with Jason. I felt uneasy the whole time, but either I managed to play if off well or Jason didn’t notice. After lunch I tried to think of a million different places to stop before going home just to be able to avoid running into Eric. When Jason insisted we go home, I realized how stressful the week was going to be if I didn’t find a way to just relax and trust that everything was going to be OK. Still, I took the longest route home possible and once we finally got there, the panic really set it. When I quickly scanned the parking lot, I didn’t see Eric’s car, which helped me relax slightly. I just hoped that he didn’t park farther down than I could see. It was only after we were in my apartment with the door locked that I felt like I could fully relax. Best of all, I couldn’t hear anything coming from Eric’s apartment and it seemed as if he wasn’t there.