Something Had to Give (39 page)

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It was after classes started when Eric and I talked again. The day after I got back from Charlotte, I walked out of my apartment to go get my bags and ran into Eric embracing “girl from the balcony” in his doorway. His face was absolutely priceless when he saw that I was already back in town. I wanted to laugh at how shocked he obviously was but I managed to keep a poker face and greet them both with a head nod as I passed by. The girl quickly passed me when she got downstairs. She was out of the parking lot in what seemed like five seconds flat. I was still a little embarrassed when I thought about how I had acted, but I did get a good chuckle seeing her rush to get by me. Eric was back inside when I came up which was not like him to hide or not offer to help me with his bags. He was obviously embarrassed or maybe he just wanted to go back to bed. I was too over the whole Christmas break to even try to figure it out. One day we were thick as thieves and the next, we were avoiding each other. It was just the way it was.

About a week after classes had started we pulled up in the parking lot at the same time and there really wasn’t a way for us to avoid each other. What started out as a few awkward hellos was followed by his offer to help me carry my groceries upstairs. I only had 3 bags, but I agreed to let him carry them up knowing if I didn’t he would quickly come up with another reason to stick around. Inside the apartment was even more awkward since he just stood there looking around as I put away my groceries. At first I just ignored him hoping he would either leave or sit down, but after a while it started to annoy me and I had to say something.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. If you’re going to stay, you can have a seat.” Once it was out, I realized that it probably sounded more rude or curt than I wanted, but he was acting lame.

“Ok.” He hesitated before responding and then took a seat on the couch and turned on the TV.

I almost would have rather that he left than to have to deal with him acting weird and hearing some lame excuse about why the girl he claimed to be just a random chick was spending the night with him. I didn’t even think I wanted to know and decided that I wasn’t going to bring it up. It was later when we were both on the couch watching TV struggling to make small talk that Eric randomly blurted out, “I’m sorry.” It was obvious what he was apologizing for, but I really didn’t want to have a heavy conversation with him. My attempts to change the subject to something else did not work and he went on to explain that he had ran into the girl, whose name was Alicia, at a club downtown and had invited her over out of loneliness. They had spent time together over the break, again because he claimed he was lonely and bored, but was adamant that he was not into her. I didn’t buy that he wasn’t at least a little into her judging by their embrace from the other day, but I told myself I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it so I simply replied with a half-smile and simple “OK.”

There was a definite uneasiness between Eric and me for a while but eventually we got back on track. While I didn’t bring up the situation with Alicia, there was a certain level of trust that was gone between us. However, I did my best to hide it and act normal. Jason had stopped calling after I didn’t return his call from New Years. I just assumed that we were done. It didn’t really bother me due to the fact that I stayed busy and didn’t allow myself time to think about it too much. Every so often I would see something that would remind me of him and I would be hit with a wave of sadness but I refused to let the feeling resonate with me. I just kept telling myself that I had to move on, but it was hard without having any closure.

Me and Shanna’s relationship improved a little, in that she reached out to me more. It was always by email though and never by phone. The fact that she didn’t think I was worthy of an actual call annoyed me and often I would take a day or two to respond to her emails. Even then it was a struggle to reply with more than one or two words, but I had to tell myself that at least she was trying. The one time I did reach out to her first was the day I sent off my applications to grad school programs. I had worked on them for almost a month and sending them off was such a relief. I applied to three schools: George Mason University, UTC, and NC State and I wanted desperately to share the good news with someone. Typical for my parents, they didn’t answer their phones. Eric was at work and couldn’t answer. Jason was out the question, which left Shanna. I called her twice within a 30-minute time span, but go no answer. When I didn’t get a call back after waiting an hour, I resorted to emailing her. It felt good to get it off my chest and share the good news with someone, but it was deflating not to get an immediate response of happiness from someone else. The longer I waited the more my happiness faded. Not only was Shanna not calling me back, but neither were my parents. It was also taking Eric a longer time than usual to get home from work. It was close to midnight when I gave up on hearing back from anyone. Just as I was getting in bed, I heard a ding from my computer signaling a new email. I figured surely that Shanna would not have opted to email me back before returning my calls, but my curiosity would not let me lay down without checking. Sure enough the email was from her and it only said “Good luck.” I sat there staring it the message for several minutes trying to figure out how to feel. It was insane to me that that was all she had to say. I closed out my email and got into bed telling myself that I was absolutely done with her. I just didn’t need toxic people like that in my life.

It was the last spring break of my college life and I had absolutely no plans. I talked to my parents whenever they felt like calling so going home was not an option for me. Shanna had emailed me twice asking if I wanted to come up and visit her and Craig. They had bought a new townhome together, but the thought literally made me want to vomit. Since the exchange about graduate school applications, she had been flooding my email mostly with silly forwards and chain letters. My guess was that she felt guilty and thought that made up for her response. I didn’t respond to any of them and rarely opened the emails that weren’t forwards, so I had to laugh at her invite. It was still mind blowing to me that even after I ignored her emails that it wasn’t enough to make her want to pick up the phone and call me. Eric had no plans either and we spent a lot of time at the beach together. On a particular day that I was waiting for him to get off work so we could watch a movie, I was surprised to hear a knock on the door an hour before Eric was scheduled to get off work. When I opened the door, I got the shock of my life. It was Jason.

I was surprised to see him standing there but I wasn’t happy to see him. Immediately I went into panic mode as I began to wonder what was going to happen if I couldn’t get rid of him by the time Eric showed up. There were no words that would come to mind so I just stood there hoping that my shaking legs would not collapse taking me down to the floor.

“Hey, did I catch you at a bad time?” He was so unbelievable. He showed up unannounced and casually asks if it’s a bad time. What did he think?

“Jason, w-what are you doing here?” It was stress I just could not handle. I needed to find a tactful way to get rid of him.

“Well it will probably sound really weird, but I had a few days off from work, so I got in the car for a drive and I had you on my mind. Next thing I know, I just kept driving and driving until I ended up here. So here I am.”

He was talking like I was supposed to be amused or flattered. I was neither. I was feeling so many emotions that I didn’t know how to respond without sounding like a babbling fool. He couldn’t be there and put me in that type of position. My feelings of panic were quickly turning into anger and I felt like I was just seconds away from completely flipping out on him. A large part of me wanted to slam the door in his face, but there was a compassionate and levelheaded side of me that wouldn’t allow me to do that.

“I don’t even know what to say. I really wish you would have called first instead of just showing up at my door when we haven’t talked in so long.” As soon as I said it, I realized how harsh it sounded and wanted to take it back and rephrase, but of course it was too late. I immediately felt bad when I saw the look of hurt and disappointment on his face.

“You’re right. It was a bad idea for me to show up like this. I’m sorry. I’m going to go find a hotel room for the night and probably head back home tomorrow. You can call me if you have time.”

He headed back down the steps and I had to stop myself from going after him. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to Eric. The situation sucked and I only had a few minutes to sit on my couch and try to process it all before Eric was knocking on the door. It was so soon after Jason left, that I was sure that they had passed each other in the parking lot. Eric was his usual self and didn’t mention it so I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. We made tacos and watched a corny movie that Eric picked out. It was a simple evening but it had Eric in such a good mood that I wanted so badly to be happy and content with him. I felt like crap though from the way I had treated Jason. I felt like I was the only person in the world that didn’t find him driving from out of town to surprise me romantic and sweet. Things had not been good between us for a while, but I still could have been nicer to him. It was driving me crazy wondering where he went and if he was okay, but I tried really hard to keep the way I was feeling from Eric. He knew me too well though and was able to see right through my act.

“Is something wrong, you seem distracted?” It caught me off guard, not because I was surprised that he could tell I wasn’t in a good mood, but because I wasn’t prepared with an answer.

“Nothing, I’m fine, just a little tired.” I decided to lie knowing that telling him that my ex-boyfriend had showed up at my door moments before he did would not go over well. There was no need for both of us to be in a bad mood.

“Oh well that’s good to know. I thought your bad mood had something to do with Jason being here right before I came.”

“If you knew, why did you even bother to ask?” Instantly I was annoyed.

“Well I thought since he left that you wanted him gone and we were going to have a good time, but it’s obvious that is not the case.”

He had a point, but I was irritated with both him and Jason, that I wasn’t able to think rationally. I ended the night before we ended up having an argument that was bound to get out of hand. That night as I lay in bed, I could hear Eric playing sappy love songs through the wall and I felt horrible at the way I had treated both of them. Then I felt sorry for myself because I honestly didn’t understand how I ended up in yet another messed up situation. How did these things keep happening to me and what did I do to deserve it? The more I tried to figure it out, the more frustrated I felt. I knew I had to just let it go for the night, get a good night’s rest and try to make some sense of things in the morning. I turned on the TV to drown out Eric’s music and slowly drifted off to sleep. For some reason, I had it in my mind that when I woke up, everything would make sense and I would somehow know how to handle the situation. However, the next morning as I sat at my table eating breakfast, I had no idea as to whom I should try and fix things with first. I started a mental list of pros and cons for both of them, but that was no help. I could think of a million good things about them both. There was no time to sit and sulk about that situation though. I had to make a decision and I had to make it quickly.

I called Jason. I had no idea if I was making the right decision or how things would play out after I hung up the phone with him. I had caught him right before he was set to leave and head back to Tennessee. He seemed happy that I called and more than willing to delay his trip home so that we could talk face to face. I stood in front of my door terrified to have Eric hear me and come out of his apartment. I didn’t know what I would do if he came out and saw me leaving. Would I pretend like I was coming to see him and blow off Jason? Would I tell the truth and hurt him? It was yet another choice I didn’t want to have to make. I felt ridiculous trying to lock my door as quietly as possible and even more ridiculous tiptoeing down the steps to my car. Relief was supposed to come once I got in the car. My intention was to speed off before Eric saw me, but instead I sat there. I felt so unsure of what I was doing, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go back upstairs to Eric. It dawned on me that since I didn’t feel 100% good about either choice then maybe I shouldn’t choose either. I had my phone in my hand to call Jason and tell him that I wasn’t going to make it, but I couldn’t do that either. I felt like I would be the world’s biggest jerk if I did.

The ride to the hotel should have taken at the most ten minutes, but I took the longest route possible and finally arrived 30 minutes later. Jason didn’t seem bothered by waiting for me and greeted me with a hug. As we sat and talked, it didn’t take long for me to begin to feel better about being there. We sat and talked for some time about “us” and what we both thought went wrong. Jason stated many times that he wanted us to put everything on the table and while I agreed, I could not tell him that I had started seeing Eric again at the end of our relationship. It wasn’t fair to Jason to withhold the information, but I just couldn’t bring myself hurt him like that. He said he could handle anything I had to tell him, but I knew him better than that. I knew something like that would crush him and that he would hate me. I didn’t want that. We parted ways on a good note, agreeing that we wanted to keep in contact to see if we could repair our relationship, even if that meant that we just ended up as friends. It felt good on one hand to make amends, but I still felt guilty that I had not told him about Eric. I knew there would come a time when I would have to come clean or that it would end up coming back to bite me, but for the time being, I just wanted to enjoy having him back in my life.