Stay (21 page)

             
He tilts his head back and I faintly hear what seems to be a “great fucking timing…” come out of his mouth.

             
Still in shock from what he just revealed to me I ask like a dumbass, “Huh? What are you talking about?”

             
Nurse Betty—that’s right, I read her name tag this time—looks at me with a smirk as she repeats herself. “Are you okay? Your heart monitor was going off the charts. Are you feeling all right?”

             
Still dumbfounded, I awkwardly say, “Umm, yeah. I’m fine. Stupid thing. Sorry about that, false alarm.”

             
Doctor Washington shakes his head, which I presume means he’s annoyed.

             
“Times up Mr. Roberts, she needs her vitals checked and this time…I need you to leave.”

             
Jason looks down at me with a smirk. “I’ll be back, so you better not go anywhere.” He winks then leans down and presses his lips to my forehead.

             
The heart monitor starts beeping rapidly again.
Damn fucking thing is giving me away…
I blush at the thought.

             
He pulls away immediately this time and stands back to look at the monitor. “Shit! Is that from me?!” He asks panicked.

             
I’m pretty sure my neck just became blushed as well.
Fuck Me! How embarrassing.

             
I obviously want him to leave me to my embarrassment, so I ask, “Didn’t Dr. Washington just say you had to go?”

             
He rubs the back of his neck apologetically, “Right. Sorry. I’m gone. I’ll be back in an hour.”

             
I follow his every move—more like his ass-- as he walks towards the door to make his exit.
Still sexy…Damn, I’m in trouble.

             
I lay my head back and sigh heavily.

             
How in the hell did I get here with Jason? There are still so many unanswered questions. I need to know what’s happened or what’s happening between us. How can he act like almost four fucking years haven’t gone by without so much as a ‘hi’ from each other? I just don’t get it. What was he doing at Magda’s wedding…
Oh my god! Magda…

             
I raise my head from my pillow to look at my nurse. “Do you know if there is anyone else outside for me?” I ask Nurse Betty as Dr. Washington pokes and prods at my body.

             
“No, ma’am. Mr. and Mrs. Micklow have gone home per Mr. Roberts’ request. They have been here since Saturday, when you were brought in.”

             
I try sitting up astonished. “You mean everyone has been here for two days?”

             
So that was Jesse I heard earlier when Jason was telling the doctor to take all the stuff off. He was trying to get him to leave the room.

             
I smile because it gives me comfort knowing that my friends have been here for me.

             
Then, I almost shed a tear, knowing that I ruined their wedding day and honeymoon. They were supposed to leave after the reception.

             
I start to get sad but manage to keep the tears at bay.

             
“Yes, ma’am. Your friends have been spending the night outside your room and Mr. Roberts has been sleeping on that couch you see there.” She says pointing to that ugly cream colored uncomfortable couch thing I saw earlier.

             
“Ouch! What the fuc—“               I wince when I feel Dr. Washington grab my neck and move my head back and forth.

             
“I’m sorry, Miss. Just making sure it’s not stiff.” He interrupts, giving me a stern look.

             
I smile wide. “That’s what she said,” I say, proud that I could think to use it.

             
He arches one of his eyebrows, “Are you hearing voices, Miss?”
Damn. Not my target audience, I guess.

             
I shake my head vigorously.
Major fail.

             
He continues with the exam, completely ignoring me, so I continue with Nurse Betty, “Has anyone else come by to see me?” I ask needing to make sure Zac hasn’t been by to try to finish killing me.
Bastard.

             
I still can’t believe that I’ve been so in denial about all the things that Zac has done to me.

             
I was so stupid to think that he would never take it so far as to try and kill me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for his stupid ass trying to seriously get rid of me.
Psycho!

             
I mean, sure, we’ve both fought each other but I always thought we were even in some sick way. At least that’s what my mother always used to say whenever she wanted me to fight back “It makes us even, Bitch!” was what I heard my whole life. That’s why I fight back but I’ve never seen it as abuse.
Man, I’m fucked up.

             
“Only the police, ma’am. They want to take your statement…” She pauses, seemingly hesitant to finish.

             
I nod my head for her to continue.

             
“To see if you are going to press charges against Mr. Millington,” she adds as she fluffs my pillow.

             
Charges? Jesus
. That’s just going to make things worse. I just want a divorce, I want it over with. I can’t deal with him anymore. I have to get out from under him now before he tries killing me again.

             
I shudder at the thought but maintain my composure in front of these two strangers.

             
I give her my best fake smile. “Great, send them in whenever they are here next.”

             
She doesn’t even try to hide the pity in her eyes. “Yes, ma’am.”

             
Great. More pity. Just what I’m looking for…ugh!

Chapter Twelve

             
After an hour of having Dr. Washington do things to my body that no injured person should ever have to endure, they leave me alone with a morphine drip in case my pain gets any worse.

             
I can see from the window that it’s dark out now.

             
I’m lying here in silence except for the music playing softly on my iPod, thinking about everything that’s happened so far. It just feels like there are so many gaps in my life that I can’t fill because nothing’s turned out the way I wanted or expected.

             
I hear ‘When I Look at You’ by Miley Cyrus start to play on my iPod dock player and I smile because I know that Magda set that up for me. She and Jason are the ones that know how much music lifts me up when I’m down.

             
I close my eyes as I start picturing how things would have been so different if I would have just fought for Jason instead of letting him push me away. I think of how everything in my life now has never been what I wanted. Ever since I met Jason, all I’ve ever wanted was to be with him…it’s always been him.

             
The door opens and I quickly stop torturing myself with thoughts of what could have been.

             
I turn to see who’s there and it’s none other than the cause of my heartache…Jason.

             
“Hey, babe…you okay? Do you need anything?” He asks softly.

             
I smile at his endearment because I haven’t heard it in so long.  It’s almost cathartic to hear him call me that again. But I know that I won’t get to hear it for much longer so I don’t remind him that he can’t call me that.

             
As I’m looking at him, all I want is to know why he’s here and what’s happened to him all this time. I just want the answers to questions I’ve had for so many years.

             
“I’m fine. The only thing I need is for you to tell me once and for all what’s going on, Jason. Please, I think I deserve that.” I state, not beating around the bush.

             
“Still a straight shooter, huh?” He says, walking over to me.

             
I look at his every move and realize I have chance to redeem myself.

             
“That’s what she said,” I smile proudly.

             
He laughs giving me a kiss on my forehead. “You still got it, Angel.”
Booyah!

             
He pulls up the same chair from earlier and takes a seat.

             
Looking around the room, he smirks and says, “Music is still making you feel better, I see.” He points his head towards the music player.

             
“Always,” I say with a wink.

             
His smile fades as he looks at the heart monitor and then at me, “You sure you’re okay?” He asks unsure.

             
I give a frustrated sigh. “Yes. Come on, I made a Michael Scott joke…now please, don’t try to change the subject. It’s been too long…”

             
He clears his throat. “True, but I wasn’t trying to change the subject—I just—never mind…all right, here goes…”

             
He takes hold of my hand and I let him because I want to hear him out and it also just feels…right.

             
Then I realize that I need to know about the wedding before anything else.

             
“Wait—first I need you to explain to me why you were at Magda’s wedding. She hasn’t really been your number one fan, so how did that happen?” I only ask because I need to know if Magda knew what was going on with Zac or if she was just being my BFF and knew that I wasn’t happy with Fuck-Tard so she invited Jason. The man that she knew has always been the only one for me.

             
He looks surprised that I would ask him to answer that first but he doesn’t hesitate to answer, “Magda didn’t know what was going on with you and Zac, if that’s what you’re trying to figure out. I found out through the grapevine that she and Jesse were getting married and I knew that you would be there. I found Jesse’s information and pleaded with him to invite me to their wedding. He made me promise that I wouldn’t create any drama and told me that I would have to go through Magda before I was officially invited. So I did, I told her that I just wanted to see two old friends of mine getting married and that I wouldn’t even be in your line of vision—that was the only way that she allowed me to go,” he stops to take a deep breath. “I just wanted to see you and I did…with
him
—I nearly lost it for a minute, but I controlled myself enough to approach you and that’s when I realized it…” He looks away from me.

             
I squeeze his hand, hoping he’ll continue, “Realized what?” I ask confused.

             
His head turns back to me and his eyes are filled with so much regret that it makes my heart ache for him.

             
“Realized that letting you go that night at the bar was the biggest mistake of my life because I could see and feel how unhappy you were—I just didn’t know it went that far. I thought you were happy Alexandra…I’m so sor—“

             
I shake my head vigorously not wanting to hear how sorry he is for me. It’s just going to piss me off. “Okay! That’s enough of that. I can’t have you feeling sorry for me for what happened,” I say irritated.

             
Aggravated at his words, I continue to rush his explanation, “Look, I can’t do this with you anymore, Jason, just tell me what changed and why you’re here…then you can finally go…”

             
I let go of his hand because the feel of him makes me weak.

             
It’s like he’s come back just to torture me for kicks.

             
I know all he’s going to do is leave after he digs the knife deeper in my heart.

             
He forces my hand back in his. “Alexandra, I’m not going anywhere anymore—never again. I will tell you why I left all those years ago… it was because I was trying to keep you safe. Safe—from me…” He reveals sadly.

             
My eyebrows furrow.

             
I look at him and my anger starts to subside as curiosity overwhelms me. “What are you talking about? From you? I don’t get it.”

             
“I know…I’m sorry. Let me start from the beginning. I told you when we first met about my family and do you remember how I never really wanted to talk about my father?”

             
Of course, I remember…I didn’t want to push him for information because I could tell it was hard for him to talk about his father.

             
“Yes, I remember. What does that have to do with anything?”

             
He takes a deep breath. “Well…the reason why I didn’t want to talk about him was because—he—he was an abusive father and by abusive I mean that in every sense of the word. He used to beat my mother to a pulp ever since I can remember…”

             
My heart starts beating faster at the ache I feel for him but I don’t say anything so that he can continue.

             
“My mother never did anything about it. My sister, brother, and I were witnesses to every beating she ever got. We weren’t allowed to tell anyone because she said that he threatened to beat us instead, if we did. She made us promise never to tell anyone… that was her way of protecting us--”

             
His voice breaks and I want to comfort him and hold him to try to take the pain away but I know I can’t. This is something he needs to talk about.

             
“I hated my father for so many years because of everything that he put my mother through—my family through. I could never protect her because she made me promise that I would never get involved. She said if I did it would be worse and that my brother and sister would end up paying for it as well…I was stuck—until I was able to get out by going to college. I thought coming to school would take me away from it all—take me away from the pain of watching my mother get beat every day of my life…every day of
her
life…” He says looking down, ashamed.

             
My eyes fill up with unshed tears as I look at the person in front of me. The person I thought I knew but now…I find out that I never knew the biggest part of him—the thing we’ve had in common all this time has been the thing that has torn us apart.

             
I reach out with my hand to caress the right side of his face. “Oh my God, Jason. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

             
He looks up into my eyes. “I couldn’t. I never wanted to be
him
. I always thought I was going to be just like him, Alexandra. I never meant to go to college and find
you.
I didn’t plan on you. I thought that I would go to school and forget about ever having lived through that hell. I left home thinking that I was going to be free--free from having to watch my mother get beat up by a piece of shit that called himself my father. I didn’t plan on meeting you. I didn’t plan on getting involved with
anyone
. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to because there was a chance that I could be just like him. I knew that at some point in my life I was going to end up being my father’s son…” He says slowly looking away from me.

             
“I know you would have never hurt me, Jason…” I whisper, taking my hand away from his face and placing it on top of our entwined ones.

             
Tears start streaming down my face as I think about everything that he had to watch as a child. Picturing him as a little boy wanting to protect his mother but being unable to. It breaks my heart. Everything that he thought would happen to his siblings if he said anything.

             
The thought of him thinking he would become his father is unbearable. He could never be like that, I would trust him with my life…he’s nothing like Zac, my
mother
, or his father
.

             
Looking back at me, he says, “Alexandra, I knew that I would be him at one point or another and whether you want to admit it now or not, I did hurt you. I pushed you into the arms of someone that has been giving you the life I was trying to protect you from. I was trying to keep you away from me because I knew that if I was ever going to be with someone, I would turn into my father. I didn’t want that for you…I wanted you to be with someone better than me…”

             
“Jason, I could never find anybody better than you. How could you even think that? You were my everything…I was willing to put myself out there for you that night. The night you left without telling me…I just don’t understand why you left.”I say getting sad at the memory of him leaving me. 

             
Not able to look at his haunted eyes any longer I look away and focus my attention on the heart monitor, which is beeping normal for once. Even though everything that he’s told me has me thinking I’m about to pass out, since I can’t believe he’s telling me these things after all this time.

             
He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger and moves my head towards him. “Don’t. Please, Alexandra, I need you to look at me.”

             
I reluctantly nod in response and he’s able to continue, “When I went away, I left everything back in Chicago. I knew that I had to go back at some point to make sure my siblings were taken care of and that my mother was still alive. I didn’t know then that I would have to go back so soon. That day, Kelly, my sister, called and said that my father had beaten my mother worse than he ever had before. She didn’t know what to do because my brother Bryan had gotten involved this time around. So my brother ended up just as beaten as my mother…I had to make a choice. Stay with you and pretend like my family didn’t need me back in Chicago or drop out of school and FINALLY protect my family from that monster…I felt like I really didn’t have a choice because of all the guilt I carried around with me for all those years for not saying anything about it or doing anything when it happened…I just watched--”

             
I can see tears streaming down his face now and my heart hurts because of the pain that he’s been through. The pain that I never knew was so close to what I have been through with my mother and more recently, my husband.

             
I realize now that it’s been something that I have never shared with him or Magda or anybody for that matter. I never did it because of the same thing it always is with me—pity. I never wanted anybody to look at me differently or treat me differently.

             
So I hid my past to get away from it and pretend like nothing ever happened. When people asked about my family, I pretended like I didn’t have one that mattered.