Stay (20 page)

             
“Wait! I saw you…I saw you, Jason, you were there, holding me—“ I recollect.

             
It all starts coming back to me and when I open my eyes I find Jason staring back at me with tear filled eyes.

             
“Yes, I was there. I don’t know what happened before I reached Zac and tackled him to the floor but from what Doctor Washington says, you took quite a hit to the head. We later put together that you hit your head on the sharp edge of the table in the hallway you and Zac were at. There was blood everywhere—I thought for sure you were gone then… ” He says, his voice full of sorrow.

             
I let go of his hand because I remember now, I saw him holding me—
“We had to use a defibrillator to bring you back”
—
I died?

             
“Jason, I died? I don’t understand. I remember seeing you briefly as I opened my eyes and I heard--you said—you said…you loved me. Was that a dream? I remember it all now. The blows and the yelling coming from around the corner. I tried leaving to go back to the reception then I got stopped by Zac only to get taken down. I don’t remember hitting the table, but I remember—you...”

             
He swallows loudly. “Yes, baby, you did die—I thought I lost you back there. It wasn’t a dream. I did say those things. I meant every word. Even after all these years, Alexandra, nothing’s changed for me. I’ve never stopped loving you. I’m sorry that it’s taken me this long to get back to you…but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. I’m so sorry.”

             
I ignore his pleading and apologetic tone.

             
“First of all, don’t call me ‘baby’ or Alexandra, I hate them both and you have no right to, anyway. We are nothing to each other, remember? Second of all, why Jason? Why now? What’s changed? What happened to you all these years? Do you realize I’m MARRIED—and NOT to you?” I admonish.

             
I see him close his eyes as if he’s in pain but I don’t care because I start to get angry at remembering him saying he wanted to reconnect with
an old friend. Fuck that! I’m not old nor have I ever been just his friend.

             
I hear the heart monitor speed up again but I ignore it and look away from Jason because all the hurt is coming back to me now.

             
I need to know so many things but what I want to know most are the reasons for his being there and being here now.

             
“Why were you there, Jason? What are you doing here now?” I ask impatiently.

             
Hesitantly he says, “Look, Alex… I was there and everything that I said was the truth. I never meant to hurt you or leave you. I never had a choice.”

             
He tries to grab my hand again but I just fold my arms over my chest and keep staring at the white wall in front of me.

             
I’ve heard that before and he never explains any further. I can’t believe I thought after all these years he would be able to explain himself. Why should I care anyway?
Fucking Eh!

             
“Alexandra, please. I need to know you’re okay. I need to feel your touch…”He pleads softly.

             
I unfold my arms and glare at him. “IT’S ALEX!...Listen Jason, I’m fine, aside from the fact that it appears as though after being knocked out by my
husband
for two days you have brought up all the pain that I have been trying to keep locked down for many years. Now… if that’s all you were waiting for and wanting to do, you are free to go. Your services are not needed,
now
. ” I wave towards the door still not looking at him.

             
I hear him sigh heavily.

             
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head back and forth. “I’m not going anywhere,
Alexandra
. I’m here for you…
now
. I am so sorry that this is the life I left you to. I had no idea that things would end up being exactly the opposite of what I wanted for you--“

             
I grunt because he’s pissing me off. Not only because I know that he’s the only one I’ve ever allowed to call me by my full name and loved it but also…
what he wanted for me? Really? How about what I wanted?

             
He notices my anger. “I just--I need you to hear me out but first I need to know why you didn’t tell anyone? Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks in a low voice, as if he knows he won’t like my answer.

             
I turn to him as my anger turns to sadness because I know what he’s talking about.

             
“I made my choice and I had to accept what I committed myself to doing. I didn’t feel like anybody needed to know. He got just as much as I received. I didn’t need anyone feeling sorry for me and I certainly don’t need your pity now. And don’t give me the ‘why didn’t you tell me bullshit’…you disappeared, remember? I haven’t heard from you since the last time I saw you at Bobba’s, so please spare me your “concern” for me,” I say snidely.

             
His eyes go dark with anger, “Dammit, Alexandra. He fucking ABUSED you. He almost fucking KILLED you! I don’t feel sorry for you. I hate that this has all happened because of me. I hate myself for hurting you…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby…” His voice is angry but at the same time haunted.

             
That’s an emotion that I wasn’t expecting him to have. Why would he feel guilty?

             
He rubs the back of his neck with both of his hands and that’s when I notice the bruises and gashes on his knuckles.

             
I grab them immediately, frantic at the thought that he’s hurt. “OH MY GOD, Jason, are you all right? Did they check you out? You’re hands…”

             
I’m not such a bitch, I still feel bad that he’s hurt because of me. All his knuckles look like they are cut and they are all kinds of different shades of purple, yellow, and green. Looks like it hurts.

             
I wince at remembering how I could hear him beating the shit out of Zac.

             
He reaches over to caress the right side of my face with his calloused hand. “I’m fine, Alexandra, I’m not the one that almost died.”His eyes glaze over, “Your beautiful face has the same amount of hurt that my hands do and it breaks my heart to see that anyone could have ever hurt you that way. I’m never going to forgive myself for that. I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time. The one thing I was trying to protect you from is what I pushed you into…” He finishes as his voice breaks.

             
I close my eyes and lean into his touch not wanting to think about what he’s saying because it’s too painful for me and as much as I want to know what he means by that, I just want to feel him right now, in this moment.

             
He quickly changes the subject and tries to lighten the mood. “You should see the other guy, though, he looks much worse…”

             
I open my eyes to see that he has a playful smile on his face but I can tell it’s forced.

             
I know at this point that I can no longer ignore the big elephant in the room so I ask what I really don’t want to know anything about but know that I should. “About that—where is he? What happened, Jason?”

             
He leans back in his chair and starts rubbing his buzzed head back and forth.

             
I know he’s uncomfortable because I remember his movements. Even after all these years, he hasn’t changed. I still know him.
Damn!

             
His eyes find mine before he responds, “Well, besides getting what he deserved from me. The police arrested him for domestic abuse but couldn’t hold him for more than 24 hours because he posted bail. Now that you are awake, however, you can press charges against him so that he can go back for a VERY long time.”

             
I give him my best fake smile. “He’s a piece of shit that doesn’t even deserve me going through that trouble, Jason. I’m sure now that his precious reputation is down the drain he won’t come near me to preserve whatever is left of it.”

             
His eyes go dark with fury. “YOU HAVE TO press charges. He cannot get away with what he did to you...”

             
He leans forward placing his elbows on his knees.

             
I roll my eyes and this time I don’t feel as much pain in my head. “What
he
did to me? Jason…anything that he did to me is NOTHING compared to what you have done to me. I don’t care about him or what happens to him. I told you, I made my bed and I laid in it for as long as possible because that was the choice I MADE. Maybe now, I’ll be able to get that divorce I’ve been wanting for the longest time. But throughout this whole mess there has never been anyone to blame but myself for what has happened. Besides, he never broke me, only you’ve been able to do that…” I say barely above a whisper.

             
“Bab—Alexandra…I know you might think that you made that decision on your own, but I know otherwise. I know that I pushed you to him and so did everyone else because of
me
…” He continues to put the blame on himself, not being able to look at my face.

             
I reach out to caress his face but I stop myself halfway because I know that I can’t go there with him, not after all that’s happened.

             
“Nobody put a gun to my head, Jason. I did what I thought I needed at the time and I never thought it would end up being what it was. He was someone totally different than what I thought he was, but by the time I figured it out it was too late. I don’t blame anyone. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You didn’t want to be with me and--”

             
“FUCK!” He abruptly yells, standing up and kicking the chair he was sitting on.

             
He paces in front of me. I see his muscles get tense through his light blue polo shirt as he clenches his hands into fists. 

             
I lay there looking at him dumbfounded. What the fuck? What just happened?

             
I don’t say anything to give him time to recuperate from whatever it is that pissed him off.

             
He finally stops with his back facing me. I wait for him to say something but he doesn’t. He slowly turns around and looks me right in the eyes when he starts walking towards me.

             
I swallow. Hard.

             
He reaches the side of the bed and stands there looking down at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

             
I blink as my mouth goes drier than when I originally woke up. He leans down and places both of his hands on either side of my body.

             
“Is that what you think? After all this time, Alexandra, is that what you really believe?” He whispers tenderly.

             
I shiver, involuntarily. After all these years, he still has that effect on my body.
Damn him!

             
Looking directly in his deep blue eyes I can tell that they are trying to search for something in me…I just can’t figure out what…it might be the drugs they have me on or something else but I don’t know what he wants from me.

             
I hold his stare. “That’s what you said to me, Jason. What else am I supposed to believe when you left me high and dry not once but twice and that second time, you decided to tell me that I needed to move on with the one person that’s made my life after you a living hell. What would you think?”

             
He breathes in deeply before getting closer to my face.

             
By the time our noses are touching I can hear that heart monitor going crazy but we both ignore it and I start to involuntarily close my eyes when I feel his breath on my face.

             
He gently continues whispering his response to me, “I said I couldn’t be with you, not that I didn’t want to be. That was then. I had no choice because of my family. I never wanted to leave you. I never forgot you, Alexandra…I thought about you every second of every day. I wanted to come back to you so bad but my family needed me. I never stopped lov—“

             
He doesn’t get to finish because who I assume is my nurse burst in through the door with Doctor Washington right on her heel.

             
“Miss…are you okay? Your heart rate has spiked dramatically. If it gets any higher you will be going into cardiac arrest again,” she says franticly.

             
Jason pushes away from me and stands near my bed with both his hands resting on his hips.