Stupid Movie Lines (8 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
You’re only young once. And this could be that once!
Bad girl (Anne Neyland) urging the hesitant hero to race in
Motorcycle Gang,
1957
On Good Points:
I’ll tell you one thing. If that rocket comes down on a populated area … it won’t be good.
Scientist in the giant wasp movie
Monster from Green Hell,
1958
On Good Points:
Crazy or not, anyone needing drugs doesn’t send a monster to a drugstore!
Detective in
The Curious Dr. Humppe,
1967
On Good Points, Heavy:
When You’re Six Tons—And They Call You Killer—It’s Hard to Make Friends …
Ad for
Namu, the Killer Whale,
1966
On Good Questions:
Do Native Women Live with Apes?
Ad for
Love Life of a Gorilla,
1937
On Good Reasons to Hate Monsters:
It has destroyed my garden. I’ll never forgive that monster!
Man viewing a devastated city in
Godzilla vs. King Ghidora,
1991
On Good Reasons to Study Multiplication:
This chicken egg took seven minutes [to hatch]. The monster egg is equal to about a million chicken eggs. So if you multiply it by seven …
A reporter trying to figure out how long it will take for the monster egg to hatch in
Godzilla vs. Mothra,
1964
On Gosh, Dr. Blake, I Thought It Was a Dog!:
Dr. Blake:
Did you know your dog was a throwback?
Jimmy:
Throwback? He’s a German shepherd!
Dr. Blake and Jimmy (Troy Donahue) discussing the dog that has been bitten by a coelacanth and turned into a prehistoric wolf dog, in
Monster on the Campus,
1958
On Graduation Speeches, Very Cool:
We can either get out there and make the kind of noise that’s going to wake this world from its stagnant slumber, or we can bloat ourselves like those who have gone before us on the synthetic pap sucked from the techno tit of those who will lead us to the tyrannical bullshit our apathetic asses sometimes deserve.
Justine Bateman as the lead singer in the rock group
and
class valedictorian giving an ovation-winning speech at school in
Satisfaction,
1988
On Great Dermatological Moments in Horror Films:
Dr. DeMarco is working on a silicon treatment of the skin which would make it impervious to
micro
-meteorites!
Dr. Petrovich (Victor Izay) getting scientific in
Astro-Zombies,
1967
On Great Dialogues with Deaf Composers, Part 1:
Don’t shout, I’m not deaf!
Composer Ludwig van Beethoven (Albert Basserman) in
The Melody Master,
1941
On Great Dialogues with Deaf Composers, Part 2:
Huh?
Beethoven (Albert Basserman) proving that he is deaf in
The Melody Master,
1941
On Great Existential Movie Moments, Part 1:
She:
Let’s kidnap the bear from the zoo.
He:
The zoo isn’t open yet.
She:
The. Zoo. Is. Never. Open.
Faye Dunaway and Robert Walker, Jr., as far-out go-go kids in
The Happening,
1967
On Great Existential Movie Moments, Part 2:
Let’s rob a house so maybe I’d feel something.
Too-hip Faye Dunaway as Sandy in the movie au go-go
The Happening,
1967
On Great Humble Lines:
Aw, banana oil!
Hero (Minoru Chiaki) after being praised by his girlfriend for defeating the monster in
Gigantis: The Fire Monster,
1955
On Great Moments in Dialogue:
I don’t like the sound of that sound.
Judy Robinson (Heather Graham) in
Lost in Space,
1998
On Great Moments in Poetry, Bartenders and:
America, you’re just devoted
To every flavor I’ve got
But if you want to get loaded
Why don’t you just order a shot?
Rockin’ poet-cum-bartender Tom Cruise, delivering his message in
Cocktail,
1988
On Great Moments in Romantic Dialogue:
Strip:
I love you. Do you love me?
Trish:
Strip …
Strip:
You don’t love me?
Trish:
Oh, Strip …
Strip:
I’m not good enough for you, is that it?
Trish:
Strip! This is ridiculous. Oh, Strip!
Strip:
When you’re ready to admit you love me, you can have me, but not until.
Trish:
Strip!
Strip (John Travolta) and Trish (Lily Tomlin) in love with wires crossed in
Moment by Moment,
1979
On Great Romantic Moments:
George:
You are more beautiful than the women of Thailand. More feminine than the women of France. More pliable than the women of Japan. More—
Maria:
Stop, stop. I don’t want to hear about all these other women. What I want to hear is that you won’t leave me.
George:
Oh, I adore you!
Michael York and Olivia Hussey in
Lost Horizon,
1973
On Great Scientific Observations, Hollywood and:
There’s nothing new in either a turnip or a cow, and either can be marketed and sold without being tested. So why should a few cows with a little tiny piece of DNA material from a turnip be any different?
Fallon (Ned Bellamy), head of the government’s “Secret Projects” section, in
Carnosaur,
1993
On Growing Up:
I’ve changed since we last swam in the raw, haven’t I?
Trampy sister-of-the-groom Dorothy Malone to best-friend-of-the-groom Rock Hudson in
Written on the Wind,
1956
On Guts, Where Kept:
He had the courage! He had the power! … deep down inside where you keep your guts!
Ad for
Iron Eagle,
1986
On Hallucinations, Rectal:
What can I say? These little blue midgets come into my house and, ha ha ha, they … it’s ridiculous. They took me out of the house and they stuck a needle in my head and I had some sort of a rectal probe.
Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken), author, explaining to a psychiatrist what happened when he was abducted by aliens, in
Communion,
1989
On Head Questions, Clever Foreshadowing Moments About Later Guillotine Action and:
I’m sure they’re there.… Oh, where is my head?
Norma Shearer, looking for something in her closet in
Marie Antoinette,
1938
On Hearts, Talking:
The heart has two auricles and two ventriloquists.
Medical school professor explaining basic anatomy to his students in
Perversion,
1978 (Brazil)
On Heart-to-Heart Talks, Maternal:
Now, Mike, let’s start with the drugs and work our way up to the kidnapping and murder.
Worried mom (Arlene Golonka) having a heart-to-heart with her son (Mike Norris, real-life son of Chuck) in
Survival Game,
1987
On Heart-to-Heart Talks, Spousal:
Trish, we’ve got to talk.… What about the pool filter?
Estranged husband to Trish (Lily Tomlin) in a supposedly poignant scene showing their estrangement in
Moment by Moment,
1979
On Hebrews, Geographically Confused:
We’re going to the land of milk and honey. Anybody know the way?
A Hebrew, about to leave Egypt in
The Ten Commandments,
1956
On Hellcats We Don’t Want to Meet:
SHE TOOK ON THE WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog on a roaring rampage of revenge!
Ad for
Bury Me an Angel,
1971
On Helpful Giveaways:
UP-CHUCK CUP: KEEP IT HANDY—it may be required on short notice during the showing of
I Dismember Mama
.
Slogan on the side of paper “up-chuck cup” given to patrons of
I Dismember Mama,
1974
On Helpful Hints:
You
have
to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!
Scientist’s main squeeze Sandra (Angel Tompkins) urging everyone to listen to the killer bees’ environmental message in
The Bees,
1978
On Helping Others, Handy Hints About:
She was in great pain. Then we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned her, and then she was at peace.
Anthony Hopkins reassuring everyone in
Bram Stoker’s Dracula,
1992
On High School, Final Word On:
Onscreen super:
In every school you’ll find.… The Gang.… They “belong” and the “stranger”.… He doesn’t.… Teasing becomes Torture! And Torture.… Terror!!
Narrator:
The Cool and the Crazy. The weak and the strong, the leaders and the followers, the happy and the dangerous … high school kids, the most, the real gone guys, growing up—hungry for excitement, and all kinds.
Tough delinquent:
Hey—you know what we need here, huh? We need some
broads
.
Narrator:
And because of women like those and their men-victimizing boys—trouble hits hot and heavy.
Onscreen:
EXPOSES HEP-CATS LIVING TOO FAST … TOO FURIOUSLY—“THE COOL AND THE CRAZY”
Promo for
The Cool and the Crazy,
1958
On Hillbillies, Too Durn Cute:
Mrs. Davis:
My! You oughta see all them clothes she’s got. Would you believe it—three pairs of shoes!
First Woman:
Great day! What’s she want with three pairs of shoes?
Second Woman:
She’s only got two feet!
Residents of Hillbillyland in
Swing Your Lady,
1938
On Hillbillies, Too Durn Ding-Dong-Dumb:
What in the ding-dong-heckama-doodle hell is that?
Farmer in
Seedpeople,
1992
On Hillbillies, Too Durn Expressive:
Hillbilly woman:
Some critters been gettin’ in here chawing up the hogs. Killed one of the mules, too, tore her head all up.
Hillbilly man:
Et her brain.
Puppet Master II,
1990
On Hillbillies, Too Durn Hot:
Male narrator:
The unpublishable novel is now a movie.
Sexy female voice:
The Hillbilly Hooker.
Male narrator:
The Hillbilly Hooker. Was she too old at fourteen?
Sexy female voice:
The Hillbilly Hooker.
Male narrator:
She may have been poor white trash, but Fancy was her name.
Sexy female voice:
The Hillbilly Hooker is coming for you.
Male narrator:
Hillbilly Hooker—in color—admission restricted.
Sexy female voice:
Ummmm. Come on up and see me sometime.
Promo for
Hillbilly Hooker
(no date)
On Hip Sayings, Kung Fu Style:
Jumpin’ wontons!
Oriental hip guy (Victor Sen Yung) in
She Demons,
1958
On Hip Talk, Not So:
Gee, Mom, you look real groovy. Gee, Dad, you look real beat!
Preteen daughter in
Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!,
1966, starring Bob Hope
On Hippies, Capitalistic Plans for:
Businessman 1:
After we’ve grabbed a few Goldilocks boys and fixed them up with crew cuts, I bet they’d take to the hills.
Businessman 2:
And what about a few baths?
Uptight capitalist pigs talking about the long-haired hippies in
Riot on Sunset Strip,
1967
THE STUPIDEST COOL LINES
J
uvenile delinquents, beatnik girls in black tights, wild-eyed hippies, and cynical ’80s and ’90s club kids or slackers are the purveyors of a particularly whimsical form of the stupid movie line: the cool line.
Intended to serve as evidence of the cutting-edge nature of the film, these attempts at edgy realism are marked by the heavy use of (theoretically) up-to-the-minute slang—repeated as often as possible to bludgeon us into accepting their cooler-than-thou status.
Instead, these lines remind us that sometimes it’s best to leave hip as a joint in your body. Dig?
On Things We’re Willing to Bet Columbus’s Queen Never Said:
Christy, what is this jazz you puttin’ down about our planet being round? Everybody hip that it’s square!
John Drew Barrymore, paraphrasing what Queen Isabella said to
Columbus
, in High School Confidential!,
1958
On the Future:
The future is a drag, man. The future is a flake.
Beat chick in
High School Confidential!,
1958
On Dykes, Jazzy:
Girl:
Don’t look at me like that. I can read your head. Dolly and Patty have nothing to do with thee and me.
Guy:
I don’t … I don’t wanna hear any more about them dykes. And if you don’t cool this lickety-split-talk-talk jazz, you’re gonna get my paranoid goin’, too, ya dig?
Beatnik girl and boyfriend discussing two lesbians at another table in
Once a Thief,
1965
On Digging, Dig?:
You know what I want to be? Nothing, you dig? If you can’t dig “nothing,” you can’t dig anything. Dig?
John Phillip Law as a hippie in
Skidoo,
1968
On God, Cool:
If there is a God, I’d like to meet the dude, I’d like to go hang out with him.
Mickey Rourke as the biker guy in
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man,
1991