Stupid Movie Lines (5 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
On Darkness, Dreadfully Descriptive:
It’s as dark as the inside of a cow’s third stomach.
Description of a dangerous cave in
What Waits Below,
1985
On Dates, Bad:
Boy:
She got lost in the pyramids. The mummy will have her for supper!
Girl:
Oh, the poor kid!
Boy reporting his girlfriend is lost in the Mexican hinterlands in
Wrestling Women vs. the Axtec
[sic]
Mummy,
1964
On Dates, Fun:
David (cutting fish):
You know, there’re fish in the North Atlantic, species of ray, have genitals exactly like that of a woman’s. It’s a well-known fact that sailors and fishermen often have sex with them. What do you think of that?
Dana (ripping open her shirt and exposing her breasts):
What do you want? Tell me! What do you want to hear? I’ll tell you anything. You want me to feel something? You tell me what you want me to feel and I’ll feel it! What do you want? You want me to perform for you? You want me to … uh … act free and wild? You want me to dance
naked?
What else? You want me to be scared of you? Do you want me to
freak out
!? Are you happy now? Am I f—ed up enough for you? Oh, but maybe, it’s my soul you want? Okay, let’s start with
my
secrets. What do you want to know? I
hate
myself. I can’t
stand
who I am. I don’t like
being touched
! I
hate
the feeling of a man inside me! Did I f—my boss?! Yes! I did!! Did I like it?! No! I didn’t!! Do I have orgasms?! NOOOO!!!! NEVER!!!!
The kidnapper David (Patrick Bergin) having an interesting conversation with his conquest, the very tough Assistant District Attorney Dana (Sean Young), in
Love Crimes,
1982
On Dates in Outer Space, Typical:
Moon girl (Lambda):
I’d like going down to the beach best, stretching out on the sand. Just a boy and a girl together. And, and … maybe what you call a … Coke?
Earth astronaut boy:
You would? That’s what I’d like, too … with the right girl.
Susan Morrow and William Phipps find a moment for interspatial love, in
Cat Women of the Moon
a.k.a
. Rocket to the Moon,
1953
On Daughters, a Little Weird:
Gee, I hope nobody thinks we’re father and daughter. I hope they think you’re a dirty old man and I’m your broad.
Deborah Raffin as the daughter to father Kirk Douglas, who is picking her up at the airport in
Once Is Not Enough,
1975
On the Dead Burying the Dead:
Promise me, Brad. If we die, you won’t bury me here.
Upset actress to actor in
Demon Wind,
1990
On the Dead, Deadness of:
The dead look so terribly dead when they’re dead.
Earnest young hero Tyrone Power in
The Razor’s Edge,
1946
On the Dead, Final Word on:
TV reporter:
Are they [the ghouls] slow-moving, chief?
Sheriff:
Yeah. They’re dead. They’re … all messed up.
Night of the Living Dead,
1968
On the Dead, Moving Problems of:
I know he’s returned from the dead, but do you really think he’s moved back in?
Detective questioning a psychic about the undead sicko they’re trying to deal with in
The First Power,
1990
THE STUPIDEST ROMANTIC SCENES
A
man, a woman, a sunset, and soft music welling up on the sound track. This is the stuff of romance on the silver screen.
But all too often, at the very moment that the hero is gazing into the heroine’s eyes, her lips are trembling with desire, and the lush strings are reaching a crescendo—he opens his mouth and says his lines … and it’s bye-bye love, hello hysteria.
Sometimes it’s a matter of a little too much—too much emoting, too much sighing, too much sticky sentiment. Other times, it’s a bizarre non sequitur or a completely inappropriate response. Still other times, it’s the juxtaposition of ostensible romantic dialogue just as a giant plastic leech is ravaging the countryside—something we suspect happens less often than depicted on screen—that makes the love scene ludicrous.
However, whatever the reason for the inadvertent thud where tender emotion was intended, these moments of ridiculous romance are certainly provocative … and always entertaining.
On Touching Moments, Literal:
Mickey Rourke:
I had a father for a while. When he disappeared, I barely spoke for years. I stayed in the third grade a long time.
Carré Otis (unbuttoning her blouse):
Just reach out and touch me.
Mickey Rourke, as a Harley-riding billionaire, and Carré Otis as his sensitive attorney in
Wild Orchid,
1990
On Romance, Slimy:
When I’m sitting here with you, I don’t even think about slime people.…
Hero to heroine in
The Slime People,
1962
On Love Scenes, Annoying:
Sergeant Brett:
You’re the sweetest poison that ever got into a man’s blood! I love you!
I want
you! … Listen, you little wildcat, you’re the only real thing that’s ever happened to me. And nobody, nothing could ever make me let you go.
Louvette the half-breed:
I love you so terrible bad, I feel good.… My heart sings like a bird!
Robert Preston and Paulette Goddard in
North West Mounted Police,
1940
On Dead, Partly and Completely:
Maybe I didn’t kill him completely dead.
Willie (Brian Wimmer), the “normal” brother, after he and his subnormal sibling accidentally wound someone during a botched kidnapping in
Late for Dinner,
1991
On Death, Confusing Discussions of:
If we wake up dead, we’ll know who to blame!
Queen Nyla (Jennifer Delora) to a companion who wants to rest before going on with a dangerous journey in
Robot Holocaust,
1987
On Death Rays, Clever Things to Do with:
I will calculate the spectrum dust in the calcinator death ray to counteract this antibiotic. And you will all be destroyed.
The evil space creature Ro-Man, trying to figure out a way to get around serum Hu-Mans are taking to protect themselves from the calcinator death ray in
Robot Monster,
1953
On Death Rays, Girls’ Inability to Use:
Astronaut 1:
How could a bunch of women invent a gizmo like that?
Astronaut 2:
Even if they did, how could they aim it?
Male astronauts who don’t think the girls on Venus can do it in
Queen of Outer Space,
1958
On Death, Unusual Problems with:
It’s getting so it ain’t even safe to be dead!
Worried grave digger observing the bomb-cratered graveyard in
Return of the Vampire,
1943
On Deductions, Sluggish:
Now, maybe, just maybe, we’re dealing with a mutant form of slug here, a kind that eats.…
meat!
Mike Brady (Michael Garfield), the health inspector, detailing his theory about the mayhem in town in
Slugs,
1987
On Defense Programs, the Cheese Problem and:
Had we half the money that was appropriated for such worthy projects as cheese price supports, we would have had our ICBMs long ago!
Irate scientist explaining some of life’s little problems to an army general in
Rocket Attack, U.S.A.,
1958
On Democrats, Reasons for:
They let ’em smoke and drive. They even put ’em in pants. And what do you get? A Democrat for president!
Dirty old man complaining about the go-go chicks in
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!,
1966
On Developing Your Assets:
Mother, I know I don’t have any talent and I know all I have is a body, and I
am
doing my bust exercise.
Jennifer (Sharon Tate) on the phone to her mother in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Dialogue, Not Quite Oscar Caliber
Sandra:
Let’s find a gas station. I have to pee-pee.
Jennie:
Tinkle!
Carole:
Leak!
Laurie:
Piss!
The girls (Lisa Hartman, Lorna Luft, and Lynn-Holly Johnson) teasing good-girl Sandra (Wendy Schaal), in
Where the Boys Are ’84,
1984
On Dialogue, Great Moments in:
Sidekick:
Hey, we know these guys! They’re the Lee brothers: Ug and Home.
Mohawk:
Huh?
Bad-guy gang members checking out the heroes in
Double Dragon,
1993
On Dialogue That Fortunately Never Made the Bible:
Aw, she’s lyin’. They’re Christians. Arrest ’em.
Roman soldier in Roman marketplace in
The Sign of the Cross,
1932
On Dietetic Threats:
I’ll cut your fats out, don’t you believe it?
Subtitle
, It’s Now or Never,
1992
On Diplomacy, Great Moments in:
Army officer:
You’re doing
what
? Are you mad? You mean you want us to conduct peace negotiations with BUGS?
Scientist:
Either that or you can consider praying!
John Saxon in
The Bees,
1978
On Dirty Old Men, Snappy Comments from:
You girls a bunch of nudists or are you just short of clothes?
Dirty old man to go-go chicks in
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!,
1966
On Dirty Pictures, Crime-Producing:
Show me a crime and I’ll show you the dirty picture that caused it!
Cop about porno’s effect in
The Sinister Urge,
1961
On Disabilities, Pre-PC Days and:
He’s tied to a dead arm for the rest of his life. A claw hand!
Betty Hutton about maimed circus performer Cornel Wilde in
The Greatest Show on Earth,
1952
On Disembodied Heads, Conversational Openers for:
I’m just a head out here. What are you in there?
Bodiless head, sitting on a table, to mysterious voice coming from a closet in
The Brain That Wouldn’t Die,
1962
On Distinctions, Vitally Important:
Just don’t call me a male stripper—I’m an exotic dancer. Don’t ever forget it!
Male stripper Matthew Reed to ace journalist John Travolta in
Perfect,
1985
On DJs, Ones We’d Rather Not Hear, Thank You:
Men have destroyed the roads of wonder and their cities squat like black toads; in the orchards of life, nothing is clean or real as a girl, naked to love or be a man with.
Clint Eastwood as a cool-talkin’ DJ in
Play Misty for Me,
1971
On Doctors, Pretty Calm: