Stupid Movie Lines (9 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
On Hippies, Happy:
Girl:
What are we protesting tonight?
Boy:
I don’t know, but I bet it’s fun!
Hippie protestors in
Dracula vs. Frankenstein,
1971
On Histrionics, Overwrought:
Girl:
You’re an animal.
Convict:
No. Worse. Human. HUMAN!
Rebecca De Mornay and Jon Voight in
Runaway Train,
1985
On Hitler, Why He Hasn’t Been Revived:
Hitler:
Are you
insane
? I had nothing to do with it! It was Eichmann—und Goebbels.
Doctor:
No, it was you, only you! Doctors! Butchers and maniacs! Remember, der Führer—this is all in the interest of medical science. What’s the matter? Don’t you like my little maggots? Oh, well, I understand.
Mother
didn’t like them, either! Heil Hitler!
Doctor (Veronica Lake), whose mother died in the Nazi death camps, killing the aged Hitler with maggots, instead of rejuvenating him as she was hired to do in
Flesh Feast,
1970
On Hollywood:
Sorry about your dad, kid, but people get killed in this town every day. That’s Hollywood.
Policeman comforting a kid whose father has just been killed by a mummy in
The Tomb,
1985
On Hoods, With-It:
Mafia man:
What are you kids? You’re out in space or something.
Kidnapping kid:
That’s right, and just when you get with it, baby, we change the rules.
Anthony Quinn as the kidnapped mafioso and Michael Parks as the cooler-than-cool teen kidnapper Sureshot in
The Happening,
1967
On-Horns, Well-Hung:
They may have bigger horns in museums, but thirty-three inches is nothing to be ashamed of.
Author/hunter Gregory Peck to Ava Gardner in
The Snows of Kilimanjaro,
1952
On Hot Dates:
Did I love you that night or was I just an animal?
Barbara Rush telling doctor Richard Burton that he’s made her preggers in
The Bramble Bush,
1960
On Hot Volcanic Matter, Technical Definition of:
Scientist:
The source of our radiation pointed to hot volcanic matter.
Explorer:
You mean lava?
Rudolph Anders and Tod Griffin getting scientific in
She Demons,
1958
On Hotels, Very Odd:
Stagecoach driver:
That place—Jamaica Inn. It’s got a bad name. It’s not healthy, that’s why. There’s queer things goes on there.
Woman:
Eh?
Stagecoach driver: Queer
things. I once slept there and not a sheet was on my double bed.
Alfred Hitchcock’s
Jamaica Inn,
1939
On Houseguests Who Just Don’t Quit:
It’s Mrs. Holden! This morning she was in her coffin in the funeral home and now she’s in my kitchen!
Justifiably upset housewife in
Gates of Hell,
1963
On How to Distract Yourself from Smog Monsters:
Great idea! We get all the hip kids we know and stage a party on Mount Fuji.
Ken’s older teenage brother, planning a rock and roll party, instead of worrying about the smog monster in
Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster,
1972
On Humanitarians, Quirky:
How could someone with such great ideas for humanity put an innocent woman in a pit?
Janet Julian as the heroine to Stephen Collins in
Choke Canyon,
1986
On Humans, Typical Alien Thoughts About:
These bodies are uncomfortable and fall apart in such a short time and their intelligence is low, but they do manage to enjoy themselves!
Disgruntled alien who is occupying a human body in
I Married a Monster from Outer Space,
1958
On Hu-mans vs. Ro-Mans, Significant Differences:
Great One:
Earth Ro-Man, you violate the laws of plans.… First, you have captured the girl and not destroyed her … To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man.
Ro-Man:
Yes! To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in the plan?
Great One:
You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One: Destroy the girl. Two: Destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you!
Ro-Man (to himself):
I cannot—yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do “must” and “cannot” meet? Yet I must—but I cannot!
George Barrows as both the Great One and Ro-Man in
Robot Monster,
1953
On Hunks, Frightening:
I’m afraid of you. I’ve discovered you have an exciting mind, something handsome men rarely have—and the combination might be too much for me.
Career girl/virgin Maggie McNamara to playboy/art lover Louis Jourdan in
Three Coins in the Fountain,
1954
On Hypothetical Questions by Scientists, Intriguing:
Would you allow me to come to your house and in your presence anesthetize your wife?
Scientist to another scientist in
Unearthly Stranger,
1964
On the Important Things in Life:
The only thing that is important is the tattooed girl! We don’t spare any go-juice finding her. We don’t waste it anywhere else. You cancel all those tractor pulls and all that stuff!
Deacon (Dennis Hopper) to his followers, explaining that they must find the young girl with the map on her back in
Waterworld,
1995
On Indians, Enlightened 1940s Viewpoint of:
I wanna be a lady. Will ya learn me?
Half-breed Indian gal Jennifer Jones in
Duel in the Sun,
1946
On Infidels, Tricky:
Sultan Saladin:
May the seven doves rest on your shoulders.
Sir Kenneth:
Doves? Or vultures? You slippery infidel!
Rex Harrison and Laurence Harvey in
King Richard and the Crusaders,
1954
On Insecurities:
I didn’t mean that! Honest, I didn’t! Sometimes I get too physical; it’s a sign of insecurity, you know? Like when you knock down trees.
Jessica Lange as Dwan, the lady in distress, apologizing to King Kong for hurting his feelings and his nose in
King Kong,
1976
On Insults, Bizarre:
Why do you think you’re such a smoky something when you’re just nothing painted blue?
Ann-Margret as the sultry, swinging kitten in
Kitten with a Whip,
1964
On Insults, Confusing But Catchy:
Your incompetence sticks needles into the flesh of my honor.
Frustrated bad guy Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick), to one of his henchmen in
Double Dragon,
1993
On Insults, Cool:
I don’t mean to be insulting, babe, but I’ve had more action in a rocking chair.
Young (and disappointed) intern/lover-boy to the doctor’s wife, Marian McCargo, in
Doctors’ Wives,
1971
On Insults, Devastating:
You’ll wind up a shriveled-up old maid or a motel tramp!
Attorney Jack Carson screaming at his former love Angie Dickinson, who has decided to leave him, in
The Bramble Bush,
1960
On Insults, Devastating Kung Fu:
Damn you, stink man!
English subtitle in
Caged Beauties,
1988
On Insults, Fishy:
He’s a wily one, that ichthy-demon!
Deacon (Dennis Hopper) to his sidekick, about the mutant human, the Mariner (Kevin Costner), in
Waterworld,
1995
On Insults, Fowl:
Is my husband in your chickenlike arms?
Liz Taylor as Zee yelling up to the window of Susannah York’s apartment in the psychedelic
X, Y, and Zee,
1972
On Insults, Intellectual Scientist’s:
You’re so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night!
Frustrated scientist Roy talking to the pretty Alice, who he’s eventually going to marry in
Robot Monster,
1953
On Insults, Stupid Tight Ones:
You’re a sphincter muscle, Adam!
Jamie Lee Curtis fighting with John Travolta in
Perfect,
1985
On Insurance Agents:
You don’t seem to understand: I work for an insurance company. My purposes are ethical.
Agent Lyle Talbot in
Sea Tiger,
1952
On Integrity:
I may be a liar, a cheat, a drunk, and a tramp, but I’ve got principles.
Joanna Cassidy as the university dean’s wife protesting her innocence in
All-American Murder,
1992
On Intelligence, Bureaucratic:
From now on we’ll have ’round-the-clock patrols at all times!
On-the-job officer (Kurt Krueger) giving orders in
Legion of the Doomed,
1958
On Invisible Boys, Why They’re Invisible:
Don’t make such a fuss. He’s probably doing this just to get attention.
Invisible boy’s dad to the worried mom in
The Invisible Boy,
1957
On IQs, Obviously High:
Girl:
I’ve divided boys into three types—the sweepers, the strokers, and the subtles. I’ll have to figure out a new classification for you.
Boy:
What’s your IQ?
Dolores Hart and George Hamilton as world-weary teens in
Where the Boys Are,
1960
On Irony, Big Moments in:
Newspaper headline:
“Man Lives Through Plutonium Blast”
Thirty-Foot Colossal Man:
That’s a great joke, isn’t it, Sergeant? [laughs.] They call this living.
The Amazing Colossal Man,
1957
On It Never Happens Here, Only in Romania:
This is America, not the Carpathian Mountains!
Mad scientist (Whit Bissell), who is upset to learn that one of his “experiments” has become a werewolf in
I Was a Teen-age Werewolf,
1957
On It Sure Does:
Sure looks bad for Dr. Sorenson and the Cosmic Man, doesn’t it, Mom?
Crippled little boy to his mother in
The Cosmic Man,
1959
On Jet Men:
I’m a jet man, not a gigolo.
Pilot and patriot John Wayne, when asked to seduce Russian girl pilot Janet Leigh in
Jet Pilot,
1957
On Jewish Words:
Is “schmuck” a Jewish word? I just wanted to say something in Jewish to you.
Lucie Arnaz as Neil Diamond’s manager, holding an agent at gunpoint in
The Jazz Singer,
1980
On Jody, Hot:
This is the story of Jody … the kicks she digs … the swingers she runs with … and the special kind of hell she can make for a man!!!
Ad copy for
Kitten with a Whip,
1964, starring Ann-Margret
On Joey Buttafuoco, Advantages of Dating:
He loves me. We have great sex. And he fixes my car.
Noelle Parker as Amy Fisher explaining why she’s with Joey Buttafuoco in
Lethal Lolita—Amy Fisher: My Story,
1992
On John Philip Sousa Marches, Very Sexy:
If you’ve never made love to “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” you haven’t lived!
Angie Dickinson, the unhappy, to Suzanne Pleshette, the soon-to-be-happy, in
Rome Adventure,
1962
On Jokes, Clever:
Satori:
I kept one piece [of the magic medallion] and hid the other where no one will ever find it.
Billy:
In Jimmy’s underwear?
The enlightened Satori (Julia Nickson) having a discussion with one of the not-so-enlightened but good-natured Lee brothers (Scott Wolf) in
Double Dragon,
1993
On Jokes, Not That Clever:
Woman:
Are, or are you not, going to seduce me?
Man:
I are not.
Frank discussion in
Three on a Date,
1978
On Jokes, Scrambled:
Maid:
How do you want your eggs? Poached, fried, or raw?
Meade:
Scrambled—like your head!
Phyllis Diller and Bob Hope in
Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!,
1966
On Jungle Dates:
Paul:
Well, here we are at the Ketobe!
Ticoora:
The rest of the way should be easy for you, Paul. I’ll go back and wait with Dad.
Paul:
Oh, no, you’re not. I wouldn’t let you go back through the jungle alone. You’re goin’ with me. We’ll keep that date with your dad … together.