Succumbing To His Fear (6 page)

Fear was kissing me. Fear was KISSING me. His tongue gently licked my bottom lip and a shot of something I couldn’t or didn’t want to name rocketed through me.

“Kiss me back,” he whispered against my lips. With my brain not having caught up to what was happening, my body took over and I opened my mouth slowly, which Fear took as a green light. His tongue was in my mouth and I was completely at his mercy. I was being completely dominated and I wasn’t doing anything to stop it. The kiss was so passionate and full of emotion that it took both of us to a place I’m not sure either of us really understood.

I have never felt so connected to another person. It was as if nothing else mattered, that we were the only two people in the world and we needed each other to survive. None of it made sense. I barely knew him, and the fact that he was a
him
at all meant that it was all confusing for me. I’d found men attractive before, but in a passing way, not in a way that made me want to kiss them.

A noise from outside brought me back to reality. What the fuck was I doing? Pushing against Fear’s chest was all it took for him to let me go and step back. My mind was spinning with questions, emotions, doubts, and Fear. Ha! How ironic was that? Avoiding eye contact, I went about gathering the rest of my clothes and quickly got dressed.

Double-checking that I had everything, I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly realized that I had no idea what to say. Fear wouldn’t even look at me; maybe he didn’t know what to say, either. With nothing else to do, I left and Fear didn’t try to stop me.

Sitting in my car outside Fear’s house, looking at his front door, I was almost begging him to come out and stop me so we could talk. After ten minutes of nothing, I decided to head home.

I’m just going to forget this ever happened. Easy. My priorities are Griffin and Lily. I don’t need this kind of complication.
But I knew better. I knew that what I felt in that room with that man was not something which could easily be forgotten and I also knew that it shouldn’t be.

I was not, however, ready admit to myself just how special and rare that type of feeling was. You didn’t find a connection like that every day. I knew that I’d certainly never felt it before. I didn’t want to make things complicated for either of us. I would’ve been happy just being friends with him. Fear could be my American Eddie. That thought made me laugh. 

Feeling worse by the minute and going back over it wasn’t going to help, so I put it all to the back of my mind and concentrated on what was important. I drove home, showered, changed, and went to watch Griffin and Lily swim. My need to see them was stronger than ever, so I could forget everything that’d happened this morning. I wanted normal. I needed normal. Whatever the fuck that was.

Fear

“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!” Erupted from my mouth, and without conscious thought I punched a hole clear through the wall and swiped everything off the top of the dresser. I was such a fucking asshole. I knew he wouldn’t remember. I knew he would freak out when he woke up. Fuck. I dropped back down onto the bed and breathed heavily while I cradled my head in my hands. What was I thinking? I wasn’t, that was the fucking problem.

I really wasn’t in the mood to face anybody, not after what they saw the night before. So, to avoid any unwanted questions, I called the shop and left a message saying that I wouldn’t be in and to rearrange my appointments. With that done, I turned off my phone, feeling safe in the knowledge that the guys would take care of Hayley and the shop. Knowing sleep wouldn’t come, I still headed straight back to bed, which it was the safest place for me to be at the moment. When I closed my eyes, the events of the night whirled around in my head.

I must have been more exhausted than I thought, because the next thing I knew, it was dark outside. I’d slept the entire day. My mind didn’t feel like it’d had a moment’s rest, though. Remembering the feeling of Alfie’s lips on mine, and the way he reacted to my touch, I knew it wasn’t my imagination. I knew he felt it, too. He had to have.

I wasn’t stupid enough to think that a night together and one kiss the morning after meant anything more than the opportunity to begin something, be it a friendship or something deeper. I was also aware that it wasn’t love or anything close to it. Lust? Most definitely. My body had never reacted to anyone so immediately. What it was though, was a possibility. A chance to not close myself off to a new start, no matter which direction that eventually took. I hadn’t let anyone new into my life for years. My latest addition was Drake, and he wormed his way in without my consent.

His calm manner and outrageous appearance were in direct conflict with each other but summed him up completely. A little crazy but fiercely loyal. Before him, it was just me, the guys and Hayley. Hayley’s husband John was also in the mix, but he’d been around for more than ten years. I didn’t let people close. I never had.

Alfie was different. I just wasn’t sure how yet, and what I wanted wasn’t the only thing to consider. Alfie’s say would ultimately decide how things ended up. The only conclusion I’d managed to reach through all my mind ramblings was that I wanted Alfie in my life in whatever capacity I could have him. Now I just had to convince him that he wanted to be there.

Nothing was going to change that night, but I had a sinking thought: I didn’t get Alfie’s number. How ridiculous was all this stressing over someone who I’d probably never see again? I just wished that he could remember what happened last night. Oh, god. I was not looking forward to facing everybody at the shop. Maybe I would just hide out at home for a while. Better yet, take a vacation to Outer Mongolia, no one would find me there.

Why the fuck didn’t I say anything? I knew Alfie was waiting for me to. I just let him leave and a stupid part of me was relieved when he did. Never having been good with words, everything just got caught up in my throat. I knew that even if I had said something, it wouldn’t have come out the way I wanted. It would just be a convoluted mess of random words, grunts, and a shit ton of frustration.

My self-imposed isolation didn’t last long. Just long enough for Hayley to talk someone into bringing her over after she got to the shop the next morning and heard another call out message I’d left. Seeing as Tate was currently nose deep inside my fridge it didn’t look as if he took very much persuading.

“What are you doing here and who’s at the shop?” I figured that a good offense is the best defense and I should be the one to ask the questions. The look on Hayley’s face made it clear she was on to me.

“I’m starving.” Tate’s declaration ended my stare-off with my sister.

“Go to the fucking store and you could have food at your own house.” Tate’s look of confusion only confirmed that I was wasting my breath. The man was incapable of looking after himself. That was a battle for another day.

I couldn’t deal with the two of them. Figuring it was as good a time as any to make a break for it, I slipped out the kitchen and down the hall, all the while hearing pain in the ass one and two bickering. Hayley was trying to take control of what Tate was attempting to cook, telling him he was about to burn my house down. Tate was trying to convince her that he knew what he was doing. I was pretty sure he only played dumb so she’d do shit for him. Then again, this was Tate and you just never knew with him.

For eleven minutes, I enjoyed the solitary bliss of my bedroom, but all too soon, my door busted open. Tate carried two bacon and egg sandwiches and Hayley followed with a pitcher of juice and three glasses. She had decided that since she can’t have coffee, none of us can. We only stuck to her coffee ban when she was around. Taking the sandwich Tate handed me and propping my pillows up to sit against the headboard, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming. Hayley didn’t disappoint. 

“What’s wrong? Since when do you call out two days in a row?”

Shrugging at her question, I said, “Nothing. Can’t I just have a day or two to myself?” Hayley shot me a disbelieving look and rolled her eyes.

“I call bullshit. Come on, Fear, I could tell when I heard your voice that something was wrong. Why do you think Tate and I came? Talk to us,” she said, turning to look at Tate, who was stuffing his face and not looking the least bit concerned.

“Tate came to eat and you came to be nosey.” Hayley huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, a look of defiance on her face. One I unfortunately knew well. She wasn’t going anywhere. She was parking her pregnant ass and wouldn’t move until she got what she wanted. It was a move she used often because every single one of us caved when she did.
Well not this time. Sorry sister. Get comfy, you’re going to be here for a while.

“No clients this morning, man?” I asked Tate, who was reclining on the bed next to me. He shook his head and grinned at me.

“Nope, I’m here to rescue you or whatever.” Perfect.

Hayley was laying it on so thick; I had to laugh at her antics. She was rubbing her belly, yawning, fidgeting, and making faces. For fuck’s sake! “I fucked things up with Alfie! Happy now?” Tate and Hayley shared a look that they didn’t intend me to see, but the two of them were not Mr. and Mrs. Subtle. “What?” 

“Come on, Fear. I know the two of you looked cozy the other night. But it’s the same old thing, man. He’s straight. You aren’t. Let me guess, you got him back here and you were all over each other. You did the dirty and the next morning he woke up, freaked out, and ran away screaming. Because the big bad scary gay man had his wicked way with him.” To be fair, it wouldn’t be the first time that had happened.

“Nothing happened. We left the bar the same time you all did, got back here and kept on drinking.” I could see they didn’t get it. “When we got back here, we opened a bottle of Jack. We talked.” I looked directly into my sister’s eyes so she could see what I was trying to say. “Really talked. About everything. He told me things. He let me see how much he was struggling and I let him see… I just… He saw me, Hayley.” She got it; I knew she did when I saw her eyes tear up.

“So how did you fuck up?”

“The next morning he woke up before me and freaked cause we were both naked. Nothing happened except hugging. Don’t look at me like that, man. It wasn’t about that for either of us. Anyway, he was on the phone with the kids when I found him out there,” I explained, pointing to the living room. “Then he asked me what’d happened. He didn’t remember. None of it. Some of the things I said to him were… and he didn’t remember.” Hayley got off the bed with as much grace a hippo in heels and gave me what I am sure was meant to be a reassuring hug, but was actually more like watching a T-rex try to clap. Her belly was stopping her from getting close enough to wrap her arms around me. 

“So how’d it end?” I sighed and figured I may as well tell them everything.

“I acted like an asshole. I practically rape-kissed his mouth and then ignored him. I pretty much made him walk away. Then, when I saw him sitting outside, confused as fuck, I just left him there… There were a million things that I wanted to say. None that would’ve come out right. The kicker is that I didn’t even get his number. So if I wanted to talk to him and try to explain, I couldn’t.” 

“Ahh, that explains the remodeling,” Tate said, pointing to the new hole in the wall and my stuff littering the floor.

“Yep.”

Hours later I still hadn’t gotten rid of dumb and dumber. And from the look of things, it didn’t seem like I would be anytime soon. We’d all moved into the living room so preggers could have a comfy seat. I tried to tell her that if she went home or to the shop, she could sit wherever she wanted and be perfectly comfortable; but she wasn’t having it, instead insisting that she wanted to stay with me.

“H did you just pee on my leg?” Tate asked. Nothing fazed that man.

“Did you just piss on my couch?” I, on the other hand, was mortified and didn’t try to hide it.

“No, I think my water just broke.” She didn’t sound very sure. Why did she sound like she wasn’t sure what had happened? I was certain that was something she should know. I felt myself starting to panic and one look at Tate confirmed that he was catching up to how serious the situation had just become. I jumped from the couch and crouched down in front of Hayley so we could be eye to eye.

“Have the contractions started?” A little nod was the only answer I got. I could tell she was scared and I knew she wanted John with her. I couldn’t make that happen, but I could make sure that she was never alone. In under ten minutes we had Hayley changed and in the car. Ten minutes later, we had her and the baby’s hospital bags safely in the trunk, and soon after that, we’d picked up a convoy of three cars and four very nervous men. Tate and I’d already had our freak out and were back on track, managing to keep a hysterical Hayley as calm as possible. It was going to be a long day, and if what the doctor said was true, it was going to be just as long a night.