Summer of Sloane (26 page)

“Mick, what exactly is your problem? I flew home as soon as I heard. I’ve been waiting to see you. And I know I didn’t respond to any of your messages, but that was only because I couldn’t. I needed time to think about everything. I needed time for me. But now I’m here and you’re acting like all of this is my fault. Like I’m the one that made you get in that car and caused the accident.”

“You’re unbelievable.” She stares me down as best she can with one swollen eye. “You do realize you left me all alone when I needed you the most, right? You stopped talking to me when I had no one else to talk to. I have no one, Sloane.
No one
. All our friends? They won’t even look at me, except to point and whisper about how much of a bitch I am for what I did to you.

“And then I find out I lost the baby. The one thing that started all of this and now that’s gone, too.” She wipes at her face with her good hand, but somehow still manages to keep it together. “But the worst thing? As if all of that isn’t enough? Is when they told me this morning that my leg is so messed up, they don’t think I’ll ever be able to dance again. Kiss Juilliard good-bye. Kiss it all good-bye.”

“Oh my God.” I cover my mouth with my hand. “Mick—”

“But then you show up here thinking everything’s all right, that everything’s going to be the same as it was,” she interjects. “That you can just be here and all of a sudden I’ll be okay with it all, that we’ll be BFFs like nothing ever happened. But it’s never going to be the same.”

“Wait a second. I do
not
think everything’s all right. In case you’ve forgotten, this all started because you couldn’t keep your clothes on around
my
boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, whatever.” I cross my arms over my chest. “Oh, that’s right, and it happened more than once.”

“Fuck you, Sloane. I told you how sorry I was for all of that, for everything. I called, I e-mailed, I texted, I even wrote letters. But what? Only Tyler gets to be forgiven? Or did I need to get on a plane and fly all the way down to Hawaii for that?”

“I never said I’ve forgiven Tyler,” I whisper. “You have no idea what’s going on there.”

“Maybe I don’t. But maybe you could’ve at least thought about that before showing up here
together
.”

“And maybe you could’ve—at any point in time—told me you were in love with him.” It slips out before I even realize what I’ve said.

And out of everything, that’s what catches Mick off guard. That’s what makes her face fall. She had no idea I knew.

We both stay silent for a long time. When she finally speaks, it’s not what I was expecting.

“You know I read somewhere that envy is when you want something someone else has, but jealousy is when you don’t want them to have it, either. Well, I’ve never been so jealous of someone in my entire life.”

“What are you talking about, Mick? When have you ever been envious or jealous or whatever, of me?”

“You’re not even listening to what I’m saying. I hated that you had Tyler and I had nothing. I hated that he loved you so much and could’ve cared less about me. Even after he found out I was pregnant, all he cared about was you. I hated it all. And I tried to get over it, Mack. I really did try. Just check your in-box or your trash folder and you’ll
see
how hard I tried. But you just fucking ignored me. So guess what?” She takes in a broken breath. “Now I realize, I hate you, too.”

I stare at her, my mouth open, as I try to wrap my brain around what she’s saying. “Don’t say that, Mick. You don’t mean it. It’s just the meds.”

“No, no it’s not. For the first time everything is so clear. It’s your fault he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s your fault he doesn’t love me back. And now I’ve lost the baby. And I won’t be able to dance, ever again.
I’ve lost everything
.”

She smacks at the vase of flowers with her cast, sending it flying against the wall. I gasp as it shatters and shards of glass scatter everywhere.

“What’s worse, is that you don’t even want him now and he
still
doesn’t want me. But please, tell me Sloane, what have
you
lost?”

I have no idea who this person is in front of me. The Mick I knew no longer exists. But whoever this angry, broken girl is, just my being here is upsetting her, and that’s not what she needs right now.

“I lost my best friend, that’s what I lost,” I say finally. “But I hope she finds her way back someday.”

Without waiting for her to ask me to leave again, I turn and go, shutting the door behind me.

I mumble my thanks to Bryson and walk away.

Instead of taking me home, Tyler drives the two of us to one of our favorite spots near Lake Washington. The summers here in Seattle are gorgeous, and today doesn’t disappoint, regardless of what else has happened.

We walk along the lake for a while, side by side. His presence next to me is so familiar, almost like he never left. For the longest time, he was all I ever really knew, and even before we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, he was one of my best friends. We finally sit down on the grass together, my left side brushing up against his right.

“I guess things didn’t turn out like we expected, did they?” He rests both elbows on his knees, and looks out at the water.

“You could definitely say that. Then again, a lot of things where Mick is concerned haven’t exactly been as expected.”

It’s a busy day out on the water. Boats and Jet Skis skip across the lake like a handful of stones, their throaty engines echoing from our shore to the banks of Mercer Island across the way. For a long time, neither of us says anything.

“I know I’ve said this before, but I really hope you know how sorry I am, Sloane. For everything. And I don’t expect you to ever forget what happened, or what I did to you….” He pauses and takes in a deep breath. “But I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”

I consider everything he’s saying.

The moment I talked to him on the phone the other night, I somehow forgot that Tyler had a part in all of this, too, forgot he was half the reason why my summer started off so shitty. Then again, I was so caught up in everything that was going on with Mick, and somehow being with Tyler over the past couple of days helped me in a way I didn’t know was possible.

“I’m not sure if I can ever completely forgive you for what you did, and I know I’ll never forget it. But…” The tense muscle in his jaw softens slightly. “Things between us are definitely better than I thought they’d be.”

While I know it wasn’t everything he wanted to hear, I immediately can feel the effect my words have on both of us. I almost feel relieved.

Or maybe it’s better than that. It’s like my body has unfurled all my limbs from this tight little ball I’ve been curled in this entire time, and now they’re finally free.

He bumps his shoulder against mine, and that smile of his is there. That smile that for years could fix the world for me. He looks down at my lips, then away, then back again. Slowly, he leans in, and our noses brush against one another. I close my eyes. His mouth touches softly against mine, and then he pulls back slightly, hesitantly, then it presses against mine again. The kiss is soft and sweet and everything Tyler and I always were. But then, just as quickly, it’s over. And in a way I know this is the last time.

After that moment, he doesn’t try to kiss me again. Not until he drops me off at my house, but then it’s a simple peck on my forehead.

We both know we’re in a better place than we were before, but when he says good-bye, there’s a sadness there I can’t quite explain. I think maybe it’s because Tyler and I are saying more than good-bye to each other—we’re saying good-bye to us.

My dad is home and waiting for me by the time Tyler drops me off, but he doesn’t say a thing when all I want is to go up to my room and crawl into bed. I stare at my phone and don’t realize until I hear it ringing that I’ve dialed Finn. I don’t know why I’m surprised when all I get is his voice mail.

“Look, Finn…We really need to talk, but I don’t want to do this over voice mail. Please, just call me so I can explain.”

I call Mia next.

“Hey, lady, I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to call.”

“Please, no worries. I know you’ve had your hands full. But tell me, what’s going on up there? How’s Mick? Is everything okay?”

I give her a brief rundown of everything that’s happened over the past forty-eight hours.

“Wow, that’s how she’s gonna be? Jesus, Sloane, I’m sorry. I mean I’m glad she’s going to be okay and all, but that still sucks.”

“Yeah, sucks is a good way to put it. Anyway, what about you? How are you doing?”

I hear her blow out a breath. “Yeah, it sucks here, too. I don’t know what to do, Sloane. Your brother, that hooch he was with, all of it. The only good thing that happened is Shep. When I told him the truth, he definitely seemed bummed, but he was honestly okay with everything—said if I had to be with someone else, at least it was with a ‘good guy’ like Penn. Ha. If he only knew.”

“I don’t know what happened between my brother and Misty, Mia. And based on our conversation the other night, he doesn’t have a clue, either. I wish I had better advice, but me telling you to give him a second chance would be totally hypocritical, especially after everything that’s happened. God, boys can be so stupid, huh?”

“Yeah, you can say that again. Speaking of boys, what’s going on with you and Finn?”

That whole mess takes another ten minutes to explain.

“Slo, I’m sure he’ll understand as soon as you get the chance to talk to him in person. There was so much going on, it’s amazing you’ve been able to stay sane.”

I laugh, which doesn’t help my defense where sane is concerned. “So I’m flying back down in the morning. If I haven’t screwed things up too much, I’d really love to hang out this week.”

“Oh, you have a deal. Call me when you get settled, okay? And, Slo, I really can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too, Mia.”

I disconnect the phone and toss it on my nightstand. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out.

It’s not until sometime later that evening that my dad knocks on my door. I sit up, propping myself against my pillows as he walks in and sits on the edge of my bed, setting a bottle of water down on my nightstand.

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving.” I eye the bottle. “Not sure water is precisely what I had in mind.”

“Ha-ha. I know, I need to go to the store. I wasn’t exactly expecting anyone. So I ordered us a pizza. Think the water can tide you over for the next thirty minutes?”

“Possibly.”

I jostle his shoulder, making him laugh. When I see him this way, it’s hard to believe what happened between him and my mom ever really happened, but I realize there’s something I need to know. Something that will hopefully help make what’s happening in my life a little more clear.

“So Mom told me everything about the divorce. I guess…I guess I just need to know why, Dad? What made you do it?”

His face falls ever so slightly. “Your mother and I…” He grips the back of his neck and the lines of his face go taut. “Sloane, I have no excuse for what I did. And I have no reason for it, other than pure weakness on my part—which I know is not a good enough reason. You need to know I loved—” His voice catches and he clears his throat. “
Love
your mother and you kids, more than anything.
Anything
in the world. But there’s absolutely nothing I can do now to change what I’ve done. Apologies aren’t enough and I know that.”

To hear him say that he
still
loves my mom catches me off guard, and it makes me feel so sad. He turns to look at me, and I can see the shame all over his face. In that moment, I know that if there were any way he could go back in time and change it, he would.

“I made a really big mistake.” He looks at me, but I’m not sure what I should say to that, or if I should say anything. “I made mistakes and your mom rightfully couldn’t forgive me. But in time, even though we couldn’t save our marriage, your mom somehow learned how. And I’ll forever be grateful to her for that. Because I firmly believe I would’ve handled things differently had she not. Or not handled them at all.”

I don’t know exactly what he means by “not handled them at all,” and I’m not sure I want him to elaborate.

“Anyhow, if there’s any chance you can find it in you to forgive, I hope you’ll at least think about it. That doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget…some things can never be forgotten. Believe me, I know,” he mumbles. “And I don’t know if this helps with what you’ve been dealing with, but it at least might be able to change how you deal with things going forward.

“A wise woman once told me, right before she boarded a plane back to Hawaii, that everyone is responsible for their own actions and it’s ultimately up to that person on what it is they want to do
.
We all have a choice, so what are you going to do?”

Everything he says makes me grateful that Tyler and I had the chance to talk—to
really
talk and not just react and scream and cry. I’m glad that we left things at least on a better note this time than when I left for Hawaii last month.