Sunlit Shadow Dance (5 page)

As they
started to sing, suddenly this beautiful blue colour started to
come out of their mouths. She had sat there crying, it was so
beautiful. The music was really beautiful; it had the most
exquisite notes and melody. And the words were really beautiful, as
if they had been written just for her.

She realised
that like this man, Gurrumul, she had a part of her that could not
see; she could not see the past and she could not see the colours
of the world. But now she knew it really did not matter because God
had made it so and he loved her anyway. But what made it so special
was that, as Gurrumul sang and the choir sang, and as the words and
music came out together, she could see a colour too. It was just
one colour but it was the most beautiful blue and, because it was
so, so very beautiful, it made her cry.

That day she
had joined the choir and loved to sing all the songs, but
particularly this song. When she sung the other songs, she felt she
could almost see some colour, like the sun trying to break through
a thick cloud, when it was raining heavily, and she would see tiny
glimpses of colours flash. But when she sang or heard this song,
then the purest and most beautiful blue colour came out. She could
see it so clearly even if other people did not seem to. That made
her feel really, really happy, all over.

Then
yesterday, not when she first met him, Vic, but when he picked up
her baby, David, and put him on his shoulders, and again after he
cut his lip, suddenly Vic had a color too. It was not an all over
color but it was a color to his arms where they were wrapped around
her baby. It was a rich brown color; she called it nut brown in her
mind, it was so real and warm.

If she could
see that colour on him then perhaps he would see the blue colour
she saw when she sang; she really hoped so. So she had she had
invited him to come and hear the singing. It was not something she
had ever done before, to invite anyone to anything, though Ruth had
organized and invited people to a couple things for her, like the
baptism and birthday party of her children. But this time it was
she who had wanted him to come and the invitation popped out of her
mouth. Now she was glad it had. She hoped he would come to see and
hear the singing and that he would like it, his opinion mattered to
her.

She was
feeling comfortable and happy thinking about this as she finally
drifted off to sleep in the late night, with her children’s bodies
pressed into her. Then she woke with the dream, like she had
before, where there was another body in the bed and she did not
know it or anything else. She had felt the shape. I was a hard and
angular shaped; a body of elbows and bony protuberances. It must be
a man.

This time she
had really wanted to see it, to see a face and to know who it was.
But she was so afraid, afraid to know this person and the story
that went with it, lest it tear her apart and destroy her. So her
fear had stopped her. Instead she had buried her face in the pillow
and tried to hide it from her mind. But, in forcing herself to pull
away, she was so lonely, so utterly alone; her insides feel
desolate.

Now, as she
woke in the morning and as her new memories came back, she knew it
was only a dream. Yet the sense of a great loss of something
remained. It was a something she must find. But she knew she could
only reach it through this dream and this dream caused her
terror.

Her children
were now stirring. So she washed and fed them then dressed them for
church. As she was getting ready to leave her house she heard a
roar of something which was flying overhead. David rushed to the
window, pointing, making a sound for some unintelligible word. She
realised he was trying to say, helicopter, helicopter. She glimpsed
it flying away.

She felt sharp
disappointment. She had invited the pilot, Vic, to church to hear
her music and she thought he would come. He had not said he would
come but his demeanour suggested it. Yet he was already taking off
and leaving, so he would not be there. The colour in her mind faded
back to grey.

Vic went for
an early morning walk in the dawn to still his impatience to see
Jane again. He found his mind had given a new identity to this
person, the name she wore. Perhaps she was Susan still, but his
mind had begun to call her Jane. As he walked he found the
surrounding bush with its screeching parrots and the thump of
kangaroos, which hopped nervously away as he came into shooting
range, helped soothe his jangling nerves. This was like how he felt
at the outset of a new romance. He thought of this woman as a blank
canvass waiting for the painting to be drawn.

As he walked
past the petrol station and shop on his way back to town he could
see a light on in her cottage and hear little children noises. It
gave him an inner glow of anticipation. He went back to his room
and packed up his things and found some breakfast which he ate. As
he had nothing more to do he decided to go to his helicopter and do
the pre-flight checks. He worked his way through the list. As he
did he noticed a small gathering of black bodies, first three then
four and soon there were eight. They were watching him with bright
eyes and questions.

He found
pleasure in their enthusiasm, like when he too was a child at
stations around Alice Springs, remembering these magic machines
come and go. With this came the memory of his first ever helicopter
ride as a child of eight, around the age of this little gang. He
remembered the way the world below had unfolded, as if seen through
the eyes of a bird, a new picture seen from the helicopter that
took him into the sky.

He looked at
his watch. He had full fuel, more than enough to get to Normanton
where he would top up. He had half an hour free before it was time
to go to the church. He would treat these kids to the same treat he
had been given all those years ago.

“
Anyone want to go for a ride?”

All nodded
furiously. He separated them into three groups, two groups of three
smaller children and one group of two larger ones. He told them
they all had to stay together where he could see them, only those
coming for a ride could come closer. He loaded the first three and
started up, going skywards with a cloud of dust. Five minutes a
trip gave him time to fly over the houses, sweep down along the
creek for a mile before coming around over a small hill behind the
yards and setting down again. He swapped the children and did it
twice more. He checked his watch, realizing he would have to hurry
to get to the other end of the town in time for church.

He remembered
there was a clear area just next to the church. It would be faster
to fly there and it would also speed up his departure. As he came
over he saw the figure of a woman with two small children walking
along the road, coming towards him, a hundred yards away. He landed
and walked to meet them. The greeting was a big smile from one big
and two little faces.

Jane looked at
him seriously and said, “When I heard your helicopter take off
before I thought you had decided not to wait, I am so glad you are
still here.”

He shook his
head, “No, I just took a few of my local admirers for a joy flight.
If you have time I hoped you might come for a quick one too before
church begins.”

Her face came
alive as she nodded. He brought them over and showed them their
seats, strapping David in tight with a belt in the middle while
Jane held Annie on her lap. Then he looked across to her asking if
she was set. Her face was tense but she gave him a mouthed,
“Yes.”

He pulled a
straight up climb until they reached a couple hundred feet, the
helicopter effortlessly soaring in the cool morning air. He looked
across, she was wide eyed with enthusiasm, so like that day more
than two years ago when he had soared skywards with Susan and Mark.
Just for this instant he had an unshakeable belief that it really
was her. He looked at them all questioningly and asked,
“Ready?”

“
For what?” she asked.

“
For the thrill of your life,” he said.

She nodded;
eyes serious.

With a flick
of his hand he turned the helicopter sideways and plunged towards
the ground, like a falcon diving. As the ground rushed towards them
he dialled on the power, using all his mustering trick skill to
zoom amongst the trees as if chasing a bull. As he raced forward,
skimming the ground he pulled the stick up, using power and speed
to pull hard into the sky. He felt the weight in his stomach. Then
down amongst the trees again as he wove his way along the creek
before breaking skyward to come back around over the town and land
smoothly alongside the church.

She was
breathless and flushed. The children were clapping their hands. He
worried he may have scared her. She turned him, eyes glisteningly
bright and oh so blue. Her smile was radiant. “I think that was the
most exciting thing in my life. Thank you so much.”

Vic took a
deep breath to calm his own breathlessness. “When you look at me
and smile like that, I think that look in your eyes is far more
exciting than a helicopter ride.”

She blushed
and looked away, uncertain.

Then she
looked at the watch on his wrist. “I must fly,” she said.” The
choir needs to do a quick practise before the church service
begins.”

Vic walked to
the church once had had finished his machine shutdown. The pastor’s
wife was waiting for him, minding the two children. She brought him
to sit next to her near the front of the church, introducing him as
she went and making polite conversation. They sung an introductory
hymn and the pastor talked and led some prayers. Then the choir
came forward for its performance, Jane standing in the midst of
aboriginal women, with men standing behind them.

The first song
sounded like a negro spiritual. He did not know it but it was
lovely with blending voices, though he could not distinguish any in
particular. Then came a song with a familiar sound, he realized it
was one of Gurrumul’s songs, sometimes he listened to this lovely
voice when feeling a bit low. He looked up, he realized it was not
Gurrumul but Jane, singing as the other women hummed.

“
I was born blind, I don’t know why.

God made me
blind, because he loves me so.”

As she sung he
was transfixed by her loveliness. She was glowing, as if with a
shimmering light, she was so beautiful. He wondered if she was an
angel. She was singing about him and she was singing about her. He
knew it was her, his own lost Susan, she had become lost and blind
and without her he was lost too. But now it was OK. It did not
matter if she knew or remembered him. In her blindness she had
found peace and escape and that was enough, it was a complete
goodness in its own strange way.

He found her
eyes, they had tears and his own eyes had tears too. He did not
want the song to end. He just wanted to keep looking at her.

The rest of
the service passed in a blur. Then it was time to go and she was
walking with him back to the helicopter, her hand resting lightly
on his arm. She asked, “Will I see you again?”

He said, “I
hope so, I will make it so.”

Then suddenly,
he wanted to know, he needed to know. He took the photo of his
Susan, taken from before, and showed it to her. He asked her if she
knew this person.

She looked at
it intently and shook her head. It looks like me but it is not me.
She had a different life spirit inside her to that which is inside
me. I think that person has gone now and cannot come back. Are you
looking for her?

Vic nodded,
mutely silent.

She said, “I
hope you can find her, but I don’t know if you can ever bring her
back.”

She paused,
silent for a minute, as if searching for words of comfort, perhaps
looking for something buried deep inside herself.

She said, “I
think she would want you to look for her, to try to find her, even
if she does not know it and may not be able to return, so good
luck.”

Suddenly Vic
was unsure. Half an hour ago he was sure he had found his Susan and
would find a way to bring her back. Now he was unsure on two
fronts, whether it was really her and, even if it was, whether he
could ever reach her again and bring her back to him and the others
who loved her.

He said
goodbye. She touched a finger to her lips then to his lips. It felt
and tasted of an inexpressibly precious life essence.

Then he took
off and flew away, looking back at her as her form dwindled into a
miniscule dot and finally vanished into the horizon.

As the tiny
person on the horizon faded from view Vic’s thoughts returned to
what to do about his discovery of this person, Jane. His gut
reaction said she was Susan but his logical mind just did not know.
And, even if it was her, he had a whole lot of conflicting things
to resolve.

He did not
feel he had the right to drag her back into the awful situation she
had been in before she vanished. She had fought so hard to hide the
other side of Mark to protect her children and also to protect her
own sanity which had started to come apart at the seams as it all
unfolded. In one of their nights of loving she had told him she was
but seconds away from ending it all when he had arrived in
court.

This thought
had chilled him to the bone then, and it scared him even more now
that he had seen her and her children again. He thought this new
apparent demeanour of calm vacancy was not real. It was like that
thin layer of ice which forms on frozen water in an Alice Springs
winter dawn, but where one knock shatters it into fragments which
never reform.