Sunlit Shadow Dance (10 page)

So, even
though Vic told her to say to people they did not know that they
were married, and she had agreed, it could not be true. She
understood it was said to explain the children and stop the
questions. Now, as she thought of those men and women she had seen
going to the church to get married, she thought this would be a
nice thing to do with Vic. But she did not know how one decided to
do it, what arrangements were needed, whether it was something a
woman asked a man to do, or the other way around, or whether it
just happened when the time was right.

Anyway now it
was time to stop thinking about these complicated things. Her
friend in a nearby caravan, Thea, had given her a cooking book, and
she wanted to try the recipes from it. In her mind she knew, from
when she first remembered, how to make toast and tea and cook eggs,
sausages and other simple things like that. But she did not know
how people made fancy food. Now that she had been given this recipe
book she realized she could learn to do this; it was time to move
beyond things out of tins and toast. It appeared that cooking nice
food was a thing that a woman did, apart from minding her babies,
when the man went to work.

Vic was due
home from work in about an hour; he was working some days as a
labourer for a local builder a few miles away. So she wanted to
have this recipe, a dish called Lasagne, ready waiting for him when
he came home. The thought of his smile, and the praise that would
come when she served it, made her feel warm inside. So she set to
work, feeling upwelling excitement as she waited for him to come
home.

Tomorrow she
would ask the Thea what other things she could do to please a man,
apart from cook him nice food and stroke his hair as he lay beside
her. She knew Vic really liked those two things but there must be
something more. She needed someone to tell her what else there was
and, as Thea was her best friend in this place, she would ask
her.

Just after she
finished preparing the dinner and setting it in the oven Vic was
home. She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, wanting to
convey her joy in his presence.

He looked at
her and grinned. “Well, I loved that, give me more, more!”

At that moment
David and Anne came running up and he picked one up in each arm.
Both giggled with delight. Then he smelt the dinner cooking and
looked at her inquiringly.

“
It is a dish called Lasagne. I got the recipe from the book
Thea lent me. I hope you like it!”

Dinner was a
great success and the toddlers shared it too, smearing as much over
themselves as went in their mouths. After this Vic helped her bath
them. Then they all sat and played together for a while before they
went for a walk along the beach in the fading light. After ten
minutes they were each carrying a sleeping child. So they returned
to their cabin and lay together on the bed, quiet for a moment.

It came to
Jane in a flash of clarity; they needed to move beyond this point
to something closer. Maybe Vic could help her instead of asking
Thea.

She took his
hand and touched it to her face, saying. “Vic, I need to begin to
know who I am. I have tiny fragments of memories, but not enough to
put together by myself. I also need to know so many other things,
such as why you and I call ourselves married and are not, why the
church tells me it is sinful for a man and woman to live together
when they are not married, but yet we live together and it feels so
right. I also need to know how a man and woman should behave when
they are together alone.

“
There are so many things I should know but do not know. As I
watch other people I start to see how many holes there are in my
life, things I should know but do not. For instance, when I met
you, I only knew how to cook toast, sausages and eggs. I have no
memory of meals from before, what things I liked or how to make
them.

“
The things I don’t know are the ordinary things of life. I
know how to work a computer, how to do figures and ordering, nobody
needed to show me that. But that stuff is just there in my head, I
don’t have to think about it to know it. Whereas, when I try to
think about the ordinary things, like what to wear or how to do my
hair, I just do not know.

“
Where I lived before I met you I was lucky because Ruth was
my friend and showed me many things. So when I did not know
something I would just ask her. She never seemed to mind. So I
thought it was normal not to know things and have to ask her to
show me.

“
It is only since I have come with you that I have started to
realize all the things that I don’t know but need to. At first,
when we came away together, I was happy just to be with you. I did
not think about knowing these things, it was like something that
happened to another person I do not know. But, even if I cannot
remember a life before, I know there was one. It must be full of
things I did and people I knew. And I think you know some parts of
it.

“
So, even though thinking about these things scares me
somewhere deep down inside, I think I must begin to know who I was,
in part to know how to behave better towards you. I feel there are
things I need to do for you to make you happier and I do not know
what they are.

“
Tomorrow I was going to ask Thea to tell me about the things
a woman should know and do to please a man. I would do them for you
if I knew, and I think they would please you like the dinner did.
That is why I must discover them by asking others.

“
But then I thought,
You are my best
friend; you are the one I trust the most.
So, before I ask others, first I should ask you to tell me
about who I have been, about how I should be with you.
Please tell me these things?”

Now Vic put a
finger to her lips. “You are so perfect the way you are. I could
not imagine how you could be better for me and make happier than
being the way you are now. So I would rather be with you, the way
you are, than be with anyone else I have ever known. If there were
a thousand people in a room I would pick only you.

“
If it would make you happy to be married then, of course, I
want to be married to you the way other people are. But it would
make little difference to how our life is together, our taking joy
in being with each other and being with your children.

“
What being married is about is making a promise to the person
you marry that you will love them and care for them always, in any
way you can. When I asked you to come away with me I was making
that promise to you.

“
When you said you would come with me you trusted me to keep
my promise, and so you were making your own promise as
well.

“
Getting married in a church is just a way of making these
promises while your friends, family and God are all looking on, so
everyone knows they are true.

“
But, as to telling you what I know about you, you are right,
there are things from the past that you need to know, simple things
like about your mother, father, brother and old friends. There are
also things that it may be better if you do not know, things that
hurt you before and could hurt you again, the things that caused
your memory to go away.

“
There is too much for me to tell you all I know at once, and
there are many things you will want to know that I do not know and
so cannot tell you, even if I wanted to.

“
As for how to please me, you please me so much already. The
other things you want to know are things that only a woman can
know. So perhaps those are things that Thea can tell
you.

“
Right now, I want to hold you close, to feel your breath on
my cheek, to feel your body touching mine, to feel you inside the
circle of my arms; that is the way it is meant to be between
us.”

As they lay
together in a still place, Vic said. “Perhaps I should start by
telling you about how I first met you, the girl in the
picture.”

She said,
“Yes, tell me, but not tonight. Tonight I want to first tell you
something. That is, I want to be married to you, that that is what
I most and really want to do. Tonight I want you to show me and
teach me how it is to really be married to you, to behave with each
other in the same way other married people do.

“
It is, like you say, that if there was a room with thousands
of other men in it, all rich and handsome and nice and I could take
my pick, the only one I would choose is you. I cannot imagine
wanting to be married to anyone else, but it is what I most want
with you.

“
It seems to me that when people get married they make a
promise to try and be the best they can for the other person. I
want to make that promise to you, like the way you made it to me
when we came away.

“
It feels right that I should do it in a church where I know
God is listening. But that part can wait. For now I want to know
what it feels like to be fully married you, not just where you have
made a promise to me, and I have trusted you, but where I have made
the same promise to you and given all I can of me to you. I know I
can give more, but I don’t know what. So now I need you to tell me
and show me.”

“
After that, when we have finished that part, then, I want to
know about my family. I did not know I had a brother and I most
want to know of him.”

“
But to begin with, before you tell me or show me other
things, I want you to first tell me about you. I need to know about
you to know best how to please you. So please tell me about you,
you must have a family too. I want to know where they live, what
are their names and the things you remember from when you are
little. Perhaps we can go to the place where your family lives and
get married there. Then I will start to feel like have a new family
which is your family. Once I have discovered who you are from you
telling me about you, I think I will start to know better how to
please you, and once I know that I will be ready for you to begin
telling me about myself.”

So, as they
lay together in the night he told her about his family and himself,
his mother and sister. He told about all except for Mark, up until
just before the time when he first met her. She had barely moved as
he talked, just asked questions along the way.

Now she looked
into his face with a dreamy smile, which transformed into a wicked
grin. Very slowly and deliberately she kissed him on the lips, a
long and lingering kiss, which went on and on. His body felt on
fire with the intimacy of her touch.

At last she
broke away and asked, eyes crinkled in a smile. “Did you like that?
I have seen married people do that after they get married. I wanted
to try it and see how it felt with you. It was so much better than
I imagined. Now I want to do it again and again.”

Vic answered,
“For someone who doesn’t know what to do to please a man you seem
to be working it out pretty fast. My whole body feels on fire with
desire for you. Soon we really will be living in sin if you keep
doing that. I won’t be able to stop myself from having all the
rest.”

Jane gazed
intently at him in a puzzled way. “If you liked it why do you want
to stop doing it? If you desire me this way why stop? I don’t want
to stop you doing anything with me or having any part of me. I
don’t care what the man in the church is talking about.”

Vic felt
himself drowning in the sea of her eyes. He wanted to keep kissing
her; he wanted to do much more, to fully join his body to hers.

And yet; and
yet; he did not want to abuse her childlike trust by taking her in
this way without her understanding of what this act was or meant.
He had to find a way to give her an understanding of what she was
offering so she could choose whether this was what she still wanted
when she knew what it signified.

He willed
himself to block out his awareness of her closeness, to only focus
on what he thought was best for her. She needed to know who she was
and from whence she came so she could make a real choice about
whether to go to this next place with him.

That was what
they had started to do before the distraction of her mouth joining
to his had intervened. So he put his finger back on her lips to
break the spell and stop her going back to this place of
intimacy.

He said, “I
don’t want to stop this anymore than you do. But I think we first
need to talk some more about who you are. Then you can decide if
this being really married is still what you want.”

An
uncharacteristic look of annoyance and hurt came over her face, as
if she felt rejected as a woman by his not taking her fully right
now.

Vic felt torn,
he wanted her so much, he both desired to have her body and did not
want to hurt her self-esteem; yet it just did not feel right to
consummate their togetherness without her understanding.

He felt her
pull away, as if to leave the bed. He put his hands firmly on her
shoulders to stop her going. He looked at her with all the
intensity that was burning inside him.

“
I have loved you since the day I first saw you. Tonight I
want so much to keep doing what we were just doing together,
kissing and more. But please, trust me, don’t pull away or leave
me. Just let me hold you and tomorrow we will start the telling of
your other life.

“
When enough parts are told for you to know from where you
came then you can decide where you want to go from here, and if you
want me there with you. Then, once you have chosen with real
knowledge, I will go with you wherever you want, as far as you
want, without limit.