Surviving Regret (11 page)

I make one quick pit stop to pick up beer after I got a text from Madison reminding me to get some because what’s pizza without beer?

“You really do love me, don’t you?” Madison says as she opens the door for me.

“Funny, Madison.”

We’re sitting on her bed with our back against the wall and the pizza box laying between us. We just finished studying but I think it went in one ear and out the other.

“I just don’t get it,” I groan, “She’s like my fucking mother at times.”

“You know what I don’t get...” I see the hurt in Madison’s eyes. “I can’t blame Macy for hating me for what happened but what hurts the most is that she forgave you and not me. I don’t get it.”

“Did you sleep with Madison?” Macy asked as we sat on her bed the next day after the disaster that prom was.

“No, I didn’t have sex with Madison. Alexa walked in before that happened.” I answered honestly.

“Would you have if Alexa didn’t walk in?” She said through a cry.

I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already had but I can’t lie to her either. Instead of answering her, I just nodded my head.

Macy gasped before a strangled cry escaped her. “Why Landon? Why are you running to Madison instead of me? Why?” she cried.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. “You’ll never understand, Macy.”

“And Madison does?”

I nodded. “She understands the pain.”

Macy pushed me until I was almost falling off the bed. “I was there too. I saw the whole fucking thing happen and there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done to stop it. It was an accident, Landon. An accident. You didn’t burn him on purpose with that joint. You didn’t swerve the car into an oncoming car to get back at anyone.”

I know that there is a slight chance that I didn’t cause the accident because the guy driving the other car was drunk. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.

“If I wasn’t smoking I wouldn’t have dropped the joint. Steven would still be here!” I yelled back, frustrated that she doesn’t understand. “See, this is why I run to Madison.”

Macy just cried and I let her. I didn’t comfort her because she had every right to be mad at me. After a while she settled down.

“I don’t want to lose you too, Landon,” she said with a scratchy, raw voice.

She didn’t realize that she already had but I don’t tell her that. If she needed me to be able to cope then so be it. It’s all I could do to make this a little bit better for her.

“Will you go to sleep with me?” she asked while yawning.

I didn’t answer her but I did lie back in her bed with her. She wrapped her body around me. “Please don’t leave me,” she said sleepily.

Before I even had a chance to answer her she was fast asleep and I’m leaving her to sleep alone because this is too hard to deal with being sober.

Madison hands me the joint back that we are smoking. I inhale and ask Madison something I’ve always wanted to know. “Would you have let me?”

“Let you fuck me?”

“Jesus…” I laugh. Madison is always so blunt about things. I love that she keeps it real and doesn’t try to add the fluff all the time. “You’re so fucking crass.”

“So…”

Madison shrugs, clearly avoiding my question. By the way she’s staring at her hands, she doesn’t want to answer it, or she’s thinking about something else entirely.

“Answer it.”

“Answer what?”

I roll my eyes. “Stop avoiding the question.” I need the answer. I stone my expression so she knows I’m serious. “Would you have let me?”

Madison thinks for a second and I’m curious what she’s going to say next. It could be anything knowing her. “I probably would have let you stick it in.” I shake my head, she’s fucking kidding around. “But then I would have stopped you.”

“Oh, man,” my head falls back against the wall with a thud as I laugh, “that would have totally sucked for me.”

I wonder what would happen if I did have sex with Madison. We’ve had so many opportunities that had we really wanted to, we could have.

I’m not gonna lie, I have thought about it. She’s so different than Macy that I wonder.

That’s all I ever do though. Wonder.

I can’t bring myself to do anything more because she’s
not
Macy. She’s not my shining star.

I would have done just that too. I would have taken anything she would have given me that night. It’s what I did back then. Madison is one of the very few people I trust completely. She understands me on an emotional level that I don’t let others see. She knows me almost as much as Macy does. The only difference is that Macy gets the physical side. People may see me around campus and at parties with other girls but they don’t know what happens between them and me. Only I know. Yeah, I’ve kissed other girls, I’ve felt them up, I’ve stuck my hands down some of their panties but that’s all that has happened. The second I get close to going further Macy flashes into my mind and it’s like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on me. And whether I want to admit it or not, Macy has my heart wrapped around every possible side of her so much so that no one will ever be able to separate us.

October 17, 2013

I met Jay at our normal spot before heading over to the party. I could have brought Madison along with me but she needs to stay the hell away from him.

When I arrive, Jay isn’t here yet so I lean up against the tree and out of the rain to wait. I adjust the hat on my head and then pull my hoodie up.

The quiet of the night is interrupted when I hear someone whimpering. I glance around wondering where it’s coming from.

“I told you I wanted my money.”

Jay.

I stay hidden in the shadows, out of sight, and listen.

“I’m gonna get it for you. I just need a couple more days,” the kid begs.

“And I told you no.” Then suddenly I hear Jay’s fist connect with the kid’s face. “Tomorrow, that’s all you get. Don’t make me come looking for you.” He follows that up with another punch and the kid cries out.

Freshman year when I first met Jay I knew he was bad news. I knew then not to fuck around with him, never to get in too deep with him. I was walking to my dorm one night after a late class and heard the cries of someone getting hit repeatedly, an eerie sense of déjà vu overtakes me because this is exactly what I just heard again. I walked around the side of the building and stopped in my tracks. Jay was standing over some guy who was curled up in the fetal position. He brought his arm up; in the light it looked like a pipe of some kind. He slammed it back down against the guy’s side and he screamed out.

Not wanting Jay to think I’d heard what happened I slip my headphones on but don’t turn the music on. I pull my phone out of my pocket to look busy when he approaches.

Jay stands before me and I look up in surprise. “Hey, man.” I greet him keeping my tone nice and even not giving away that I know he just beat the shit out of some kid.

He doesn’t answer me, never does. Jay hands me what I asked for in my text and I reach into my pocket to pull out the money I owe him. I never owe him, ever.

Jay tucks the money in his right pocket and pulls out a napkin or some shit from his left and wipes his bloody knuckles off.

“You gotta leave Madison alone,” I blurt out before I even realize what I’ve said.

Jay stops wiping his hand but doesn’t look up. He never does, it’s beneath him to look someone in the eyes. No one is good enough for Jay. He laughs bitterly, “What are you, her fucking boyfriend?”

“Fuck no, I’m not her boyfriend.” I try to laugh it off. Damn this guy makes me so uncomfortable and that’s a hard thing to do.

“If you know what’s best for you, Landon Hayes, you’ll mind your own fucking business.” He throws the napkin on the ground and walks away without another word.

Well, that went fucking great. I just pissed a drug dealer off more than he already was. Awesome start to the night, Landon.

Chapter Four

October 17, 2013

Macy

I haven’t seen Landon, except in passing, in weeks. We exchange an occasional text, nothing too deep. There is a wedge between Landon and me after I told him that he stole my heartbeat that last night with him. He threw my words back in my face telling me that he didn’t steal something I just keep giving him over and over again.

Well, screw him.
I don’t think I can try anymore. I’ve given him everything hoping he’d come around and want me as much as I want him but clearly he’s blind. I can’t keep trying. It cracks my heart every time I let him in and this last time hurt the worst. I can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

“Hey, Macy,” Will McDaniel says as he takes a seat next to me in class.

I smile politely when all I want to do is give the world the finger. “Hey, Will.”

Will is a really nice guy. He’s adorable in a nerdy sort of way. Tall and skinny, his dark brown hair sticks up all over the place. His brown eyes shine through his dark-rimmed glasses that rest on his perfectly straight nose. He normally dresses in a button down shirt that he always has tucked into his jeans with a pair of Converse. His assignments are always done on time, never misses a class and most of the time he has his nose in a book.

“Did you finish your assignment?” he says, eyeing my books.

I nod, “Pretty much.”

He goes to take a seat next to me and almost misses the chair. Will’s cheeks flush and I want to laugh, have to stifle it in fact because I know it’s not appropriate. “How about you?” I know his is done; it’d be a cold day in hell if it wasn’t.

He goes to tap his pen on the table but it flies up in the air nearly hitting the guy in front of us. The control I had over him almost missing the chair and now this, well, I can’t help but start laughing and Will’s cheeks are blazing red with embarrassment.

The guy in front of us turns in his seat and glares right at Will. Poor guy starts shaking but before Brent or Brian, whatever his name is, says anything, I speak up. “Sorry about that.” I smile sweetly, hoping to distract him.

He nods once, “No problem.” He hands me the pen then turns around.

I reach over and slide the pen across to Will. “Thanks,” he mutters under his breath.

Our fingers graze each other’s and Will quickly pulls away like I’ve burned him. I tuck a piece of my brown hair behind my ear and look away to the professor standing at the front of the room.
What the hell was that?

The rest of the class passes in a blur. Will and I keep exchanging glances but not saying anything else to each other. When class is over we walk out together. We’re walking down the stairs and he trips over his shoelaces but thankfully catches himself before falling over face first. I’m not sure I can hold back the laugh if he does something else because I’m barely containing it now.

Will looks up at me and I lose it. Like stomach clutching, bent over, belly laughs. His glasses are sitting crooked on his nose and his hair seems more of a mess now than before class started.

“Are you alright?” I ask between laughs.

He adjusts his glasses and wipes his hands down his jeans. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

We walk out of class and down the hall but Will’s steps falter. I glance back, “What’s the matter?”

Will looks past me and I follow his direction. Landon is walking down the hall toward us. When I turn back to Will he’s gone. He’s nowhere in sight. What. The. Fuck?

Sighing, I continue walking. As cute as Will may be he’s a little weird. The closer I get to Landon my palms start to sweat and my heart sinks into my stomach. I’m not sure if I should stop and talk to Landon or keep walking and act like he’s not there.

Landon stops in my path.

Thankfully, I don’t have to make that decision.

I don’t look up at first and he doesn’t talk until I do.

“You coming to my game Saturday?”

I shrug, “Do you want me to?”

Landon studies me for a second, “Yeah, I guess.”

I roll my eyes, “You guess? No, I’m not coming then I’ve got plans.”

Landon raises an eyebrow.

I sigh. Of course he knows I’m lying.

Landon shifts his weight to his other foot, “I want you there.”

“Okay,” I answer simply. It’s all I needed to hear.

He tips his head to the side, “Okay, you’ll go?”

“Yes, Landon, I’ll be there.”

And I mentally curse myself. Why can’t I be strong enough and not cave into him. He hasn’t spoken to me in weeks and the first thing he asks of me I practically fall at his feet in obedience.

Landon tilts my chin up and places a lingering kiss on my lips that make my knees go weak.

“I’ll see you Saturday.”

I blink and try to settle my heartbeat. When I open my eyes he’s walking away with yet another piece of my heart. One I most assuredly just handed to him on a silver fucking platter yet again.

You’ll never learn, Macy.

October 19, 2013

Heather and I go to Landon’s game against the Washington State Cougars. It’s perfect football weather, the sky is clear and it’s around sixty degrees or so. The football players are wearing their pink helmets, cleats, and socks for Breast Cancer Awareness month. After tonight’s game they are planning on donating some of the equipment to help raise funds for a basketball coach who passed away a few years ago who coached at the University of Oregon.

The stadium is packed tonight. Sitting in the stands you can’t help but get caught up in the excitement of the game. I’m dressed in jeans, sneakers, a hoodie and my number ten jersey on top to show my support for Landon. My hair is swept up to keep it out of my face since it’s a little breezy.

“What changed your mind about coming to Landon’s game?” Heather asks, taking a sip of her drink.

I shrug, “He asked.”

She gives me those ‘are you fucking kidding me’ eyes. “Really?”