Surviving Regret (12 page)

I nod, “Yeah. He stopped me in the hall after class and asked if I was going to his game.”

Heather shakes her head and looks around the stadium.

The Ducks aren’t having a great first half. They fumble the ball three times but manage to score twenty points in the first quarter and another fourteen in the second. They’re winning thirty-four to twenty-four.

Holden is playing his ass off tonight. He’s kind of pulling this team along for the first half.

“Jesus,” Heather says. “Is it always this intense?”

I laugh because it is. “Most of the time. They’re not playing a hundred percent just yet. They’re more of a second half team so just wait.”

Heather grabs her stomach. “I need a Tums or something.”

I laugh. There are days when I needed one too. Watching Cash get sacked and when he was carted off of the field on a stretcher was one of those days. I’ve watched these guys get sacked more times than I can count so that part doesn’t faze me anymore.

“I’ve been watching Landon, Cash, and even…” My eyes tear up just thinking about him.

Heather wraps her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. “It’s alright.” Heather says soothingly.

I know it is, it’s just the way it is. It’s not fair that he was taken from us but we’re here and we’re breathing. I should be thankful for that but it doesn’t lessen the pain. Years later it hasn’t lessened it. I still wonder when this will ever get easier.

I let Heather comfort me until the half time show is over and the guys come back out on the field.

Cash finally found Landon in the third quarter and was able to complete a pass that scored them another touchdown. At the end of the third Cash was able to hand the ball off to Holden and he scored another touchdown right as the quarter ended.

Heather and I get to our feet cheering them on.

“See, I told you. They always seem to play better in the second half.”

Heather sits back down and grabs her stomach again. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”

I laugh and bump her shoulder with mine when Declan turns to her and blows her a kiss.

I turn and stare at Heather in shock. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

She blushes.

“Heather?”

She looks away briefly, “We may or may not have hooked up recently.”

My jaw hits the floor. I didn’t see that coming. Declan is the complete opposite of Heather’s type.

The crowd groans. The Ducks fumbled the ball and the Cougars ran it in for a touchdown. The score is now forty-eight to thirty-one.

“You’re giving me the details after the game,” I tell Heather, watching as Cash drops back in the pocket looking around to see who’s open.

“Nothing to tell really. We were at a party, one thing led to another, I went back to his room, he kicked Jet out, we went at it and I left.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“Have you talked to him since?”

She laughs, “Is this twenty questions?”

I look away embarrassed. I’m never like this, I never get into other people’s business.

“No, I haven’t seen him since,” Heather answers.

I look over at her, “How do you do that?”

Heather laughs again like I just asked a funny question. “I’m sure you can figure that part out, Mace.”

I roll my eyes, “Smartass.” I watch as the ball sails down the field and one of the Cougar’s players’ bats the ball away from Landon before he could get his hands on it.

“Oh, shit,” I hear someone behind me say.

Oh, shit, is right. Landon grips the guy up, they are helmet to helmet, exchanging words I’m sure, and then a player from both teams break it up.

“Temper much?” Heather snorts.

“You have no idea.” Landon runs back to the team and they huddle up again. “What I meant was how do you sleep with him and then not talk to him for a few days? Don’t your feelings get involved?”

Heather regards me for a minute. She’s thinking about what to say to me. How to answer the question so I’ll understand it. “Landon slept with other girls, right?”

I nod.

“Did those girls mean anything to him?”

I shake my head. “He said that no one mattered but me.” I look away. “I don’t know if that’s true though.”

Heather smiles sadly at me. I hate that she pities me. “Well, it’s the same for me. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m here to have a good time. I’m leaving my emotions out of it.”

I let that sink in for a few moments. She doesn’t put her emotions into it. She doesn’t feel it. She doesn’t let it. She’s just having a good time. Is that how Landon thinks? I know he’s messing around with Madison even if he says that he’s not. I know they’re still friends and they hang out a lot. I’ve even seen him countless times over the years flirting with other girls at parties while we were “taking a break.” I’ve watched him tease girls when he doesn’t know I’m in the same room as him. Hell, I’ve seen him kiss a girl or two right in front of me.

Does he leave his feelings out of it like Heather does? Does he numb himself with them? I know he doesn’t care about them. He sees right through them. I see it in his eyes. The only time he’s not looking through someone is when he’s with Madison and me. My stomach turns. My sister. It makes me sick to think that he can find comfort in her. He finds comfort in me too and he tells me it’s only ever me he feels but why can’t I be enough? Why can’t he just see me?

Fuck.

Why am I still with him? Why can’t I be strong enough to walk away? Hell, why can’t I turn my feelings off and just live my life the way he is?

“You okay?” Heather asks nudging me in the side.

I blink a few times clearing the tears away that were doing their damndest to form. “No. I’m never okay.”

Heather’s sad eyes meet mine. “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, Mace.” Heather hugs me to her side. “I’ve told you before. Play a game he understands.”

“I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that,” I whisper and I’m not even sure she heard me with the cheers from the crowd.

“You are, Macy. You don’t see what I see. You’re stronger than most of us here.”

It’s then that I let a single tear fall. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated. I feel sacked.

Heather and I don’t really talk the rest of the game but she finds little ways to comfort me. She knows I’m hurting. She knows that she opened up my eyes and I’m seeing things in a different light. I’m seeing things through the darkness. I’m seeing things that Landon sees. I’m caving. I’m locking my feelings away. It seems like it’s the only way.

Take what I have now or leave it.

I barely pay attention to the rest of the last quarter but the Ducks won sixty-two to thirty-eight.

Word travels around that there is a party at Tim’s house tonight. Heather and I walk back to our dorm after the game to change and get ready but my head is a mess and I need to clear it. When we get back to the dorms I feel like the walls are caving in around me.

“I’ll be back,” I say to Heather and slip my shoes on.

Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. She just got out of the shower and she’s standing in our room in a towel. “Are you going to the party?”

I nod because I know I will. “Yeah. I just need to clear my head.”

“Mace,” Heather whines.

“I’m fine. I promise. I just have to get some air.”

She sits on her bed, “I didn’t tell you that stuff earlier to fuck you up. I’m sorry I brought Landon into it.”

I shake my head. I’m not sorry she did. “It’s not that.” I open the door and step into the hallway before she can say anything else. I didn’t mean to make her feel like shit but now I’m confused.

After walking around for a while I head back to the dorms to get ready. I stayed out long enough that I knew Heather would be at the party by now.

I get dressed. Although I don’t even know why I’m really even going to this party. No, that’s not true. If Landon wants to mess around, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my feelings off like he does? Like Madison does?

I decide to wear the short jean skirt that Landon loves and the flowing black, off the shoulder top and a pair of black boots. I sweep my hair up into a messy bun and leave a few strands of hair out. I apply just a little makeup and I’m ready to go in twenty minutes. Grabbing my light jacket with the hood since it’s raining, I’m out the door.

The walk is short to Tim’s. When I get there the party is in full swing. Holden is out on the front lawn talking to a bunch of the guys from the team. I look around and don’t see Landon.

“Hey, Macy,” Declan says as I walk past the group.

He’s talked to me a time or two but he never went out of his way to say anything to me before and it takes me a few seconds to catch up.

“Hey.”

The rest of the guys turn to look at me. Holden, who is by far the best looking one of the group in front of me, smirks. He nods his chin in a greeting.

I smile and look back to Declan. “Landon in there?”

Declan’s eyes fall to the ground and gives a little nod. A shiver comes over me and I wrap my arms around myself needing the warmth. The protection.

“Thanks.”

I walk away and I hear one of them say, “Landon’s a fucking idiot.”

I step into the house and my eyes take a second to adjust to the darkness. The bass of the song matches the thump in my chest. I walk into the living room and stand behind the couch looking around for Heather or Landon, hell, even Cash at this point.

My eyes scan the room.

My hands rest on the back of the couch.

My heart is hammering.

I can feel the room shifting.

My body leans against the couch for support.

My hands grip the back of the couch tighter. They turn cold and clammy.

I spot Heather in a corner talking to a few girls. She doesn’t see me just yet.

I see people flowing in and out of the kitchen with their cups full of beer laughing and carrying on.

My breaths start coming in shorter bursts.

Then my eyes spot the number ten jersey. I see his lean body; I would know that figure anywhere. I let my eyes roam down his body. I gasp when I see a pair of tan legs wrapped around his waist.

The music fades.

My heartbeat stops.

All the air from my lungs rushes out.

Landon has some girl pushed up against the wall. His hands are on her thighs under her skirt.

Landon must feel my gaze burning into the back of his head because he turns and his eyes land on me. I let the anger take over. I replace it with the heartache he is causing. He’s cut me deep, so deep once again.

The memories of prom flash through my mind.

Landon moves his hands and her legs fall from around his waist. I see her lips moving but Landon is already walking away. He’s not hearing her or maybe he’s just ignoring her.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t let him near me. I open the front door and step outside. It’s raining harder now. Declan, Holden and the rest of the guys are standing on the porch.

“You okay, Macy?” Declan asks.

It sounds muffled like he’s talking through a tunnel. I look up to the sky. It’s dark like my mood, like my life. Where the fuck is my shining star? Where is my light in this stormy night? Without answering Declan I start running down the stairs on the way to the street. I pull the hood of my jacket up shielding myself from the rain, the cold. The bitterness from the cold slips into me and starts to crystalize the blood pumping through my body. Aiding me in shutting my emotions off, the torment of what I’ve seen, an image that can’t be unseen. How would he feel if these roles were reversed? If that was Holden or Will who had my legs wrapped around their waist, their hands up my skirt. How dare he…how fucking dare he?

A car coming down the street heading in the direction I’m going lights up the street. I step into the street making the car slam on its brakes as they spot me. I take off when I hear the door to Tim’s slam shut. I dash across the street toward the park that I passed on the way here. My heart starts pounding. I hear the swooshing in my ears.
Fuck!
The park is dark and eerie, somewhere I shouldn’t be by myself. I know this but I go anyway.

Landon catches up to me anyway though. “Macy.”

I don’t stop running. I go quicker, needing to flee.

“Macy, stop.” The wind picks up and pushes my hood off my head.

I spin around, my eyes narrow, body taut, ready for a battle. I start to shake my head. “You stop, Landon. Just go back to whatever her name is.” I huff. “Do you even know her name?”

He tries to look innocent.
“I wasn’t doing anything.”

I fold my arms across my chest and laugh dryly, “Yeah, it didn’t look like you were doing anything. Did you feel how wet she was? How wet you made her from just giving her the time of day?”

I’m livid. He’s a fucking idiot if he thinks he can tell me he wasn’t doing anything.

“Yeah, she was wet. So what? Does it hurt
you
to know I made her wet?”

He wants to be the cocky asshole to me that he is to everyone else. Well, fuck that. Turning away from him I start to walk away. I’m not playing his game. Not anymore. I take a few short steps but Landon blocks my path.

He nods in the direction of his truck, “Let me take you home. You shouldn’t be walking out here by yourself.”

I shake my head, “Fuck you. I’d rather be out here in the rain with my chances of being raped than be anywhere near you.”

Landon nods, agreeing. “You hate me that much?”

I scrunch my nose up in disgust. “I hate you more then you will ever know, Landon.”

He smirks, “Good, we’re getting somewhere.”

I try to step around him but he blocks me again. I try again when he reaches forward, grabbing me around my waist. I try to bat his hands away but he lifts me off the ground and throws me over his shoulder.

I pound on his back screaming, fighting, to get down. “Put me down or so help me God, Landon.”

We reach his truck that is parked just a little bit away. He opens the passenger side door and places me on the seat. I try to get up but Landon pins me with a look.

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I repeat for what seems like the hundredth time.