Surviving Regret (13 page)

Landon slams the door shut and walks around the truck. I reach for the door handle and open the door. I swing my legs over the seat and I’m about to hop down when he grabs my arm stopping me.

“I’m taking you home,” he says in a voice so cold I freeze. He’s never spoken to me like this before. Landon puts the keys in the ignition but doesn’t start it. Turning his head to the side he takes me in.

My body trembles and I run my hands up and down my legs. “Let’s go. Take me home so I can get out of these soaking wet clothes.”

“I’ll show you wet,” Landon mumbles under his breath.

I gasp, my eyes finding his, and I see the seriousness in them.

“In your dreams,” I huff sitting back adjusting my shirt. I try to hide from him. There is no hiding though. Landon sees the hurt, the pain, the darkness. Landon leans over, his body like a magnet, and slips his hand around my neck. I don’t move, don’t pull away. I should but I don’t. I’m the biggest idiot on the whole entire planet.

I tremble. I hate this. I thought after my pep talk to myself earlier that I would be able to check my feelings but I should have known better. Landon has an unbreakable spell over me.

He places a hand on my knee and kisses me. His tongue slips into my mouth as his hand inches up my thigh.

Stop him, Macy. Don’t let him do this.

Landon reaches my panties and pushes them aside. I can’t do this.

I push Landon’s arm. “You can’t do this after you just had your fucking hand up that bitch’s skirt, Landon.” I see my words burning him as they sink in. I’ve never told him no when it came to anything sexual before. “If you want some go back to that piece of trailer trash. You seemed to have been having a good time with her. You weren’t thinking about me, obviously.”

He doesn’t say anything at first. Just stares into my blue grey eyes that used to be so full of light, so carefree. But he dimmed them, damn near made them pitch black.

“You, Macy. It’s always you.”

I suck in a breath, shocked by his admission. “I wish I believed you, Landon.”

He nods, “I wish you did too.”

I sit there in my seat, quiet. I’m contemplating everything he just said to me and I’m pissed at myself for giving into him, for allowing him to give me that little bit of pleasure. Pissed I let myself feel. The power he has over me regardless of how fucking angry I am at him is almost overwhelming. I yearn for what was, yet I’m reduced to being satisfied with what we are.

I reach for the door handle. I’m about to run. I have to get away from him or I’ll just let him take me home and let him have his way with me.

Landon stares straight ahead when he says, “You running to Cash now?”

This time it’s me who smirks, “Maybe I am.”

His eyes train on the streetlights casting the tree shadows over the hood. “Are you fucking him and not me?”

Huffing and shaking my head I open the door. I turn my body so my legs are dangling over the seat. “I’m fucking whomever I want, Landon. The dead fish that you seemed to have turned into isn’t quite doing it anymore. At least Cash is about something. At least he’s
trying
to live his life.”

And then I’m sliding out of the truck and running down the street back toward the party.

The rain has fizzled to a mist. As I approach Tim’s house I see Declan wrap an arm around Heather and they go back inside. I don’t want to ruin her night after probably ruining the game for her earlier. I don’t want to go home yet either so I sit down on the front steps.

A little while later I spot Cash out front. He sees me and a warm smile presents itself. He’s exactly what I need tonight. A friend.

“You okay?” He asks bumping into my shoulder.

When he asks it’s like a dam opens up. “I’m going to kill Landon. I hate him so much sometimes.”

Cash looks scared, like he doesn’t know what to say to comfort me but he doesn’t need to say anything, him just being here is enough.

“I know of a party!” he says a little too loud. Cash is well on his way to being drunk. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s a riot. And it’s exactly what I need.

We go three houses down to another party. A party I know Landon’s not going to be at.

Cash gets us beer and we sit down on the steps that lead upstairs. My mind drifts back to Landon and Madison on prom. It’s always that night for me. It’s a memory that will never go away.

Could that have been Cash and me in that closet finding comfort? Could I ever turn off my feelings enough to be with Cash like Landon was going to do with Madison?

“Do you ever think about us together?”

Cash looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and at this point I think I have.

I shrug. “What?”

“Me and you?”

I nod.

“No,” he answers a little too quickly. “Never.”

I shouldn’t be surprised by his answer but it hurts a little bit. I’m just like Madison in appearances. Why couldn’t he think of me like that?

“Oh.” I roll my head side-to-side feeling like an idiot.

“Well, fuck, I didn’t mean it like that, Macy but it’s the whole bros before ho’s thing.” Cash throws an arm around my shoulder trying to soften the blow. “I just meant that you’re like my sister in so many ways that it would be weird to think of you as anything else.”

Saylor, Cash’s roommate, and Austin, another teammate of Cash’s, find us and we start doing shots. We’re carrying on having a good time when my phone beeps. I pull it out of my pocket and see it’s a text from Landon.

Landon 11:38 pm: How’s Cash?

Landon 11:39 pm: Fuck. I’m sorry.

Landon 11:40 pm: I need you.

I look up to see Cash looking at me. He knows it’s Landon texting me. “There’s always a choice, Macy.”

“Sometimes there’s not, Cash.” Because really there isn’t. It’s not often that Landon says he needs me. I want to run to him. I want to be there for him but then I think about that girl with her legs wrapped around him. It should have been mine but they weren’t.

Cash and I walk into the other room where it isn’t so loud. The alcohol is flowing through my veins now and I’m feeling a little braver.

I smile, “Would it be totally inappropriate if I sent him a text that says I miss his penis?”

“Probably. But that’s pretty classy. I want someone to send me a text saying they miss my penis.”

I type the message out to Cash instead. “Done.”

Cash’s phone beeps. He takes it out to see my text. “You’ve never seen my penis?”

I laugh. “How would you know?” I’ve seen Cash naked a few times, his ass mostly. He doesn’t know that though.

“Have you?”

My cheeks flush, “No. I’m teasing.”

Cash winks at me. He’s in a playful mood. “Do you want to?”

Oh my God.
“Cash!”

Cash holds his hands up. “I’m teasing!”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, sure you are.”

“Mostly, I was,” Cash says with a wink.

Cash and I are standing next to the wall and a P!nk song comes on. I can’t help but sing along. Once the lyrics start it’s like something in me clicks and I come in tune with it.

I’ve always loved to sing, mostly in the shower, but nonetheless I love it. Not many have heard me because honestly it kind of embarrasses me. Cash, Madison, Landon, Alexa, and of course my parents are probably the only ones who have ever heard me. Madison and I used to get our hairbrushes out after our showers when we were little and would have a sing off. Madison couldn’t hold a tune to save her life but it was fun. I secretly think the only reason she did it was to hear me sing. She’d ask me any other time and I couldn’t do it. I hate the spotlight.

A couple of times when Landon was sick he’d ask me to sing to him. He said it was soothing and he’d always fall asleep. I don’t know if that was a bad thing or a good thing.

“You should get on that
America’s Got Talent
or
American Idol
… whatever that shit is called.

I wave him off because it would be a cold day in hell that I could do that. I don’t have the balls.

“You need to, Macy. You have the talent.”

God, not him too. Madison said the same shit. Landon knows better than to bring it up anymore after one horrible fight we had. It gives me anxiety. “Cash…drop it.”

We stand together holding the wall up for a few more minutes before he leads me to the dance floor. We’re dancing when “Blurred Lines” comes up. I throw my arms around Cash, “I love this song!”

I never dance unless it’s with Landon. I never felt comfortable enough, it kind of feels like cheating to me so I don’t do it. Cash’s hands wander down to my ass. I don’t push him off because I’m safe with him. It’s Cash, it’s my best friend. We dance like this for a few seconds before I turn and press my back into his chest.

I look around, people are staring. Mostly the girls. They wish they were with Cash, I can see it in their eyes. I start working my ass up against Cash. I look over at one girl, her eyes trained on Cash. His hands are on my hips matching my moves. The girl bites her lip. She looks over at me, her expression changes from lust to jealousy. This should feel wrong to dance like this with Cash but it’s not. He’s my best friend.

I feel Cash step back a step but he leans in. His chest pushing against my chest. “Stop, Macy. You’re making me hard.”

My cheeks burn with embarrassment. I didn’t mean that but he is a fucking guy, guess I should have known better. “Sorry.”

He slurs his words, “I’m not trying to be a dick. Just…I’m drunk.” He lips brush over my cheek lightly. “You keep that shit up and I’ll do something stupid.”

I’m drunk too and I just don’t give a shit what he says. I’m shutting my feelings off. I’m living in the moment. I push back and grind back into him.

I look over to the girl who was watching us. She grabs hold of poor Saylor and pulls him a few feet away from where Cash and I are. She turns so her back is to him and then she grabs his hands and puts them on her hips and grinds into him.

Saylor looks over to me with wide eyes and mouths, “What the fuck?”

I throw my head back and laugh.

The song changes to “Rake City,” the tempo slows down and the bass takes over my body. I turn in Cash’s arms and throw my arms around his neck, “I’m so drunk.”

I know Cash is too. His cheeks are flushed, his eyelids drooping but he’s got that smile that tells me he’s had too many.

He slides a leg between mine and it changes my movements. It’s friction. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong to grind against his leg but I do it anyway. And it feels good. Wrong but good.

My heartrate picks up. I’m feeling brave, braver then I ever have. This is Cash I try to tell myself, it’s not Landon. Is this how he feels when he had that girl pushed up against the wall? Does he lose himself in the moment?

I look into Cash’s eyes. They’re glazed over.

“Do something stupid,” I whisper into his ear still grinding against him.

A look comes over Cash like he’s unsure what my words even mean. He grabs me by the wrist and leads me down a hall where there are a bunch of people fucking around. Did I push him too far? Can I do whatever is about to happen?

Cash stops and backs me up against a wall. Something is about to really happen and I’m not even doing a damn thing to stop it. He pushes himself against me. “Is that what you want? Me?” Cash whispers in my ear. “I’m not Landon, Macy. I don’t fuck like him either.”

My eyes widen at his admission. I don’t know how anyone fucks. I’ve never been “fucked,” never even thought about it. Cash takes a step back and his eyes soften. He’s waiting for me to push him away. He’s begging me to push him away.

I shift on my feet from the sudden change. “I wouldn’t know…”

Cash’s eyes roam from my chest to my eyes. “Know what?”

“How you fuck.”

Cash looks away for a second, “Fine,” his hand that he’s leaning near my head goes to the button on his jeans. “Wanna find out…right now?” His lips are moving and he’s saying something else but I can’t hear him. All I see now is him. It’s like my brain shuts off for a moment.

Cash’s lips are so close. I can feel his breath against my lips. I let my mind wander.

How would he fuck? It’s like I’m lost in a daydream and my mind creates this vision of what it would be like to be with Cash.

I see him unbuttoning his jeans. I feel his hardness against my center. I see him lifting my legs up and wrapping his hands around my ass and the feel of what it might be like.

He presses harder, his fingers curling around the edge of my panties as he yanks hard. The fabric digs into my skin and they give as he rips it away.

“You wanted this. Take it.” One hand moves to my neck around my throat and squeezes. My heart thumps against his hand, his eyes are dark and never like I’ve seen before. I know now why my sister has always been drawn to him. Cash is warm and comforting but he doesn’t hold back with anything when it comes to passion. At least not on the field. I know now him having sex is no different. I would crave it, should I give in. Could I give in?

I see the appeal that Madison sees, he possesses you. He’s a monster. He’s not the golden boy everyone thinks he is. Cash makes you see him and the passion that pours out of him flows like water. You give yourself over to him because that’s all you can do.

If I give in to Cash physically there is no doubt that I would not survive. There would be no more Landon. He would be a distant memory. There would be no more Macy. Cash would have destroyed me and everything that I am. I’d no longer be the girl who wants the soft, gentler side that Landon gives me. No, that wouldn’t work anymore. Cash would change everything I know with that all-encompassing passion he exudes.

I look at him and a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips because he knows what I’m thinking. I try to push his arm away but he just squeezes my neck tighter.

“This is what you crave, I know it. I see it in your fucking eyes.”

I try to talk, to tell him this isn’t what I want but I can’t. The pressure he has on my throat stops me. No, it’s not that. I just can’t say the words to tell him that I don’t because a small side of me wants it. He’s fucking possessing me. He’s wiping all of my memories away. He’s showing me what else there is. It’s like he’s a drug and I know I shouldn’t take it but I want to. I’m craving it. Why Madison wouldn’t want this addiction for the one she pays for is beyond my understanding. Cash is all that and more.